DH has hidden some heavy stuff...AIBU to want to separate?

[mummymalta]

3 weeks ago DH revealed some very personal things which I feel I should have known before we got married. To be honest, we are all entitled to secrets and personal experiences I suppose, but where do you draw the line?

DH and I have been together for 10 years and married for 7. He's my best friend, I feel like I knew and loved him so much. Affirming these things is very strange to me. We were solid.

A "friend" of DH from the country he used to live in came to a party of a mutual friend of ours. Lets call him Bob. I don't know Bob, DH has only mentioned him briefly and my friend knows him but not well. He came with my friends brother who he is sort of close to. DH didn't want to come to the party (long day) and didn't know Bob would be there. I kissed the kids and ran out the house desperate for freedom on a friday night went to the party.

Get to the party and was enjoying child free time when my friends brother came over to say hi with Bob. "Bob you haven't met DH's wife have you? it's been about 12 years right? "
Bob: "Holy shit - you know I barely remember those days"
He then made a slick comment about him and DH being on coke half the time. I really cant remember what he said verbatim but I sort of nervously laughed (was shocked and he was drunk) and excused myself.

Naturally went home and curiously prodded DH the next morning in bed who waffled about trying it a couple of times and said Bob was a royal prick with a big bouth. I was uneasy that he didn't tell me but nothing divorce worthy. I ask why he didn't tell me and prodded as you do (smelled a rat, wife spidey sense) and then he told me:

He had a coke habit when he went to live abroad in his early twenties right before I met him. He said it was just a bit of fun and just when it started getting a bit out of control he met a girl who he really loved. They had a real relationship and spent a year getting high. Only god knows how he kept his job, but of course drug addiction doesn't necessarily have a face. Anyway she had previously had a heroin addiction and they started doing heavier stuff. He freaked out and ended it. She stopped picking up her mobile and he went to check on her she's dead in flat. Huge drama with her family/ police / drug debt I wont get into it but its fucking insane. He comes home tells no one traumatised. We meet about a year and a half later.

I didnt sense one thing - he spoke of his couple of years abroad quite normally but rarely looking back. I thought nothing of it why would I?

I'm still in shock, not just from the incident, but of the fact that he didn't tell me. I was so shocked that I just said he needs to give me time to digest it. We haven't spoken about it since because I've just shut down. I don't know what's wrong with me - I feel nothing. It's like he's a stranger now. We had a very happy and passionate marriage. Such a great banter affection. Even the kids sense something is off. He keeps trying to talk about it but i don't even hear a word he's saying. I just keep on thinking who are you?

AIBU to want to separate for a bit? I have had no time to digest this?! He said lets send the kids to their nans for half term and deal with this so off they go tomorrow.

[EBearhug]

YANBU.

When I was in my mid-20s, I discovered before she got clean and met my father, my mother had been a heroin addict. I can understand why no one had ever told me before, particularly the drugs stuff (when wold be he right time? There never reallyis a good time for it)... but... BUT...

It does make you question everything - if someone really close to you can hide something that big, what else has been hidden from you? It really shook my trust in pretty much everyone for years. And because of that, I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. It is a shock, if you've never had the slightest hint before. You need some time to yourself to think things over, and then you may need some time with just the two of you to talk things over, and then you will need to get on with life again. And that will happen.

Good luck.

[houseeveryweekend]

Also id just like to add that though its understandable you are in shock its not true that you dont know him anymore, or that he is a 'stranger' You know who he is now and see that everyday. You can know someone without knowing everything that has happened to them. This is part of his story but it doesnt change who he is.

[Iknownuffink]

Who had the drug debt?

Money is a drug too

[SusanneLinder]

Erm...I personally think YABVU. Yes its a shock, but my DH and I agreed that anything that happened before we met is none of each others business...unless it is going to directly affect our lives now.
I found out something about DH that happened before we met. It wasnt nice, but was none of my business and doesnt affect the man he is now

[meowli]

I don't understand why you're upset about this. Everyone has a past.

Well, yes, but there are pasts.....and pasts. As the op says, this is quite heavy stuff to be hearing out of the blue.
You're going to need a bit of time to process all of this, op, but I would have thought the best way forward for you is to be completely frank with your DH about how this has made you feel, and to keep the lines of communication open, rather than to separate and risk a breakdown of your relationship.

[NickiFury]

But what lying? He just didn't tell you and really why should he? It was a horrible part of his life and he wants to move past it. There are things that have happened in my life that I would never share with a future partner because it doesn't affect a future relationship and it's precisely none of their business. I wouldn't want to relive all that stuff again. You're making it all about you and you've no right to do that with someone else's past.

[Katie0705]

Your husband must have been deeply traumatised and perhaps compartmentalised what happened, so that he could cope. I appreciate the difficulty you are facing, but I don't feel separation is the answer. What about seeking professional help as trauma can be so difficult to talk about? Think about war veterans who can't talk about what they experienced, even if it was many years ago. Your DH needs love and support rather than judgement, and you need to understand what happened too, so some time together on your own sounds a good way forward.
Best wishes

[1Catherine1]

I think you really need to get your head around the fact your husband has not lied to you. He kept a part of his past hidden from himself and everyone else, it had no relevance on his present. When you questioned him on it, he told you. If he had denied it at that point, then he would have lied, but that doesn't seem to be the case. If the rest of your relationship is good and you have been pretty solid up to now, I'm sure you will get through this. I understand why you might feel like you need a separation but perhaps that is extreme and will cause questions (with your kids that neither of you want to answer) where simply a weekend away on your own to get your head straight would be enough? Then return and have an open and honest chat then move on.

Good luck!

[ExtraHotLatteToGo]

YANBU

I think a lot of posters must have missed the bit where you said about 'drug debt drama' and 'horrible things' he did.

Not telling you about a serious drug habit, or about finding his overdosed dead girlfriend, or about the morally corrupt stuff he did...that's all a bit more serious than how many people you really slept with before you met.

I don't hold truck with 'he didn't lie'. Yes he did. He lied by omission. Things this big are not 'everyone has a past' stuff.

That feeling of 'if he can lie about this, what else has he lied about' is awful. The things he did 'for drug money' were awful. Not telling you he found his girlfriend dead...that's so cold & weird. I mean, he's had 10 years to tell you, the fact he didn't would definitely make me think I didn't actually know this man I was married to.

You have every right to be reeling. I bloody well would be. Do what you feel you need to.

[Iknownuffink]

Grow up OP.

Life is not a fairy tale.

There are highs and lows and hidden family secrets.

[laidbackneko]

Bit harsh there iknow.
OP has been knocked back by this revelation. No need to be quite so brutal.

[Baconyum]

Iknownuffink your posts are unnecessarily harsh.

Yanbu

It has clearly been a big shock plus I think several posters may have missed the fact that the op isn't even telling us the worst of what she now knows.

A lie by omission is still a lie. A marriage is built on trust, he didn't trust you enough to tell you and now your trust in him is in question.

In addition there may be current health ramifications if the girlfriend that died was using intravenously.

A pp mentioned a friend with a drug past who now has hepatitis.

Has your husband had himself checked out?

[darksideofthemooncup]

I get that this has been a big shock OP but I do feel for your Dh. It sounds to me that he is deeply ashamed of his past and given your reaction to this information after being with him for 10 years I'm not surprised that he didn't tell you sooner. Would you have given him a chance if he had told you when you first met? This does not define who he is now, he cannot change the past but from what you have said he appears to have learnt a bloody hard lesson from it and turned his life around. Try not to judge him to harshly

[SomeDaysIDontGiveAMonkeys]

I think YABU to want to separate but ANBU to feel shocked and disappointed he didn't feel able to share this with you. I can only imagine he was horribly traumatised to find his recent ex at the time, dead from a drugs overdose. Given the police investigation, inquest etc I can understand how he hasn't wanted to taint the wonderful happy relationship and marriage he has with you. It would be like creating a beautiful garden from scratch, lovingly tending to it everyday, watching it grow and flourish and then flooding it with gallons of chemicals and seeing it ruined. Probably a crap analogy but sometimes things from the past are just too awful to want to bring into the present, especially if life is now happy.

He probably felt a huge amount of shame and guilt at the time and since then. My ex told me after we'd been together 5 years that he'd killed a woman who stepped off the pavement when he was driving. He was prosecuted for having a faulty horn but the court did say he actually wouldn't have been able to stop in time given the point at which she stepped in front of the car. He had been so affected by it he hadn't felt able to tell me but not just that he just wanted to keep it in the past. I like you initially felt almost betrayed that he hadn't shared something that big with me. It was only when he explained why, I realised it wasn't a negative reflection on our relationship. It was because he valued our relationship so much, he didn't want anything to ruin it.

Rather than distance between the two of you, I think supporting each other is what's needed. It sounds ideal that the children will be away; I hope you can use this time to explain to DH how it's made you feel and not be too harsh on him.

Good luck!

[ChaChaChaCh4nges]

Of course he lied. By omission, but he lied.

Drugs are a deal breaker for me, past or present. And that's without throwing in the morally corrupt drug debt crap.

And of course it's all about the OP right now. He's had 12 years to process his actions; she's had 12 hours.

[crje]

if he had told you earlier on in the relationship would you have stayed?

I think he needs you and rather than this being a test of his character it's a test of yours.

[AnotherTimeMaybe]

Maybe he was actually traumatised and he didn't want to talk about it so that he forgets
He deserves that you know ....

[Frikonastick]

Wow. I am super surprised at some of the responses.

Forget the drugs, your husband found his girlfriend of a year DEAD in her flat and this never came up in 10 years?!

Far out OP, I would be bloody shocked too.

And you aren't making this about you and being selfish, and fuck that bullshit about not owing anyone eveything about your past. This was a major bloody life event.

And it would seem that your upset and reaction has been in response to how he has related this to you. How he has described the events. I would be wanting some time apart to readjust my view of him too.

[Janecc]

I think Somedays sums this situation up well. It sounds as if he was traumatised and compartmentalised his shock, guilt and grief. Yes, he did some really shit stuff and by the sounds of it, the drug taking caused other pretty bad issues. The drugs and debt in themselves probably would have been acceptable topics to discuss. However events spiralled out of class control. He wasn't responsible for her death, it was a suicide. My cousins ex committed suicide 20 years ago leaving his baby in the house and a 10 yr old from a previous relationship to find her body. He was really traumatised but never talks about it. Her mother blames him. She took a cocktail of paracetamol and alcohol. The irony is they were talking about getting back together and he came to see the baby every evening and this evening was the same as all others so he has many many unanswered questions. He's a lovely man, the way he deals with it is not to truly commit to a relationship. Your DH has dealt with it differently it doesn't mean he is any less traumatised.

I understand your shock but can you imagine the relief for him at you knowing and the dread he is likely feeling that it may change your marriage forever?

[Sparrowlegs248]

Whether you call it separation or time to think, I don't think Yabu for wanting some time to yourself. Yes it sounds traumatic for him, but how on earth does someone conceal something like that? For so long?

[youarenotkiddingme]

Try looking at it from another POV. Your DH.

You say he's a wonderful DH and father.

Well he's managed to beat addiction and cope with finding his dead gf and I presume get out of the debt. That's good going. It's his past. Are you really going to allow it to affect your future?

My friends DH has a dodgy past. He's an amazing bloke - hardworking and top if what he does in our area - headhunter for jobs etc.
When my friend tells me stuff, or he tells me stuff etc (same as when he shares thing with my friend) the reaction we give is how amazing it is he's turned himself around.
Most statistics would have him on his 4/5th prison sentence by now.

[Sparrowlegs248]

And yes, to me this is less about the drugs and more about the dead girlfriend.

[timelytess]

The coke-habit-now-overcome could be put aside, no need to mention it, its over.
But finding a dead girlfriend - that's an issue. He should have mentioned it.

Having said that, someone told me what I assume is full detail about his past, including his having been a gang member in another country. Thereafter, common sense told me we couldn't be together. His background was worse than that your DH has admitted to, OP. So maybe he kept it quiet because it might, reasonably, have put you off.

[Frikonastick]

Err yes, but you are missing that HE didn't tell her! The two examples above, they were honest with their partners. Completely different.

And from OPs description,mot me it doesn't sound at all like he was hiding or omitting because he was traumatized and compartmentalising, it sounds like he was minimising and justifying.

[idontgiveafuck]

I did drugs in my early twenties and had a couple of personal tragedies which my close family know all about. I don't wish to talk about it to anyone as its my business and no one else's. I've not told my husband but if I did he would be shocked but he would also be supportive not considering separating!
I came out of it physically unscathed, emotionally not so much but I am lots better now.