DH has hidden some heavy stuff...AIBU to want to separate?

[mummymalta]

3 weeks ago DH revealed some very personal things which I feel I should have known before we got married. To be honest, we are all entitled to secrets and personal experiences I suppose, but where do you draw the line?

DH and I have been together for 10 years and married for 7. He's my best friend, I feel like I knew and loved him so much. Affirming these things is very strange to me. We were solid.

A "friend" of DH from the country he used to live in came to a party of a mutual friend of ours. Lets call him Bob. I don't know Bob, DH has only mentioned him briefly and my friend knows him but not well. He came with my friends brother who he is sort of close to. DH didn't want to come to the party (long day) and didn't know Bob would be there. I kissed the kids and ran out the house desperate for freedom on a friday night went to the party.

Get to the party and was enjoying child free time when my friends brother came over to say hi with Bob. "Bob you haven't met DH's wife have you? it's been about 12 years right? "
Bob: "Holy shit - you know I barely remember those days"
He then made a slick comment about him and DH being on coke half the time. I really cant remember what he said verbatim but I sort of nervously laughed (was shocked and he was drunk) and excused myself.

Naturally went home and curiously prodded DH the next morning in bed who waffled about trying it a couple of times and said Bob was a royal prick with a big bouth. I was uneasy that he didn't tell me but nothing divorce worthy. I ask why he didn't tell me and prodded as you do (smelled a rat, wife spidey sense) and then he told me:

He had a coke habit when he went to live abroad in his early twenties right before I met him. He said it was just a bit of fun and just when it started getting a bit out of control he met a girl who he really loved. They had a real relationship and spent a year getting high. Only god knows how he kept his job, but of course drug addiction doesn't necessarily have a face. Anyway she had previously had a heroin addiction and they started doing heavier stuff. He freaked out and ended it. She stopped picking up her mobile and he went to check on her she's dead in flat. Huge drama with her family/ police / drug debt I wont get into it but its fucking insane. He comes home tells no one traumatised. We meet about a year and a half later.

I didnt sense one thing - he spoke of his couple of years abroad quite normally but rarely looking back. I thought nothing of it why would I?

I'm still in shock, not just from the incident, but of the fact that he didn't tell me. I was so shocked that I just said he needs to give me time to digest it. We haven't spoken about it since because I've just shut down. I don't know what's wrong with me - I feel nothing. It's like he's a stranger now. We had a very happy and passionate marriage. Such a great banter affection. Even the kids sense something is off. He keeps trying to talk about it but i don't even hear a word he's saying. I just keep on thinking who are you?

AIBU to want to separate for a bit? I have had no time to digest this?! He said lets send the kids to their nans for half term and deal with this so off they go tomorrow.

How would I react? I'd say I was so sorry, I'd be sympathetic. I'd understand.

You would be very rash to throw away what you say is a good marriage for this.

I agree with most posters. OK it was a bit of a shock just hearing it like that but your DP was honest and told you everything - he didn't try to hide anything, unless I've missed something and I might have as I've skimmed the posts. Can't see why you want to separate - talk about it yes but separation is a bit OTT

No, maybe he wasn't ever going to tell you, so what? He doesn't have to!
and maybe he's regretting doing so now, given your reaction.

But it's your marriage, not ours

thanks guys for giving me a reality check. Shit - I've bloody freaked out and made it about me.

What's done is done.

At what point woukd he have told you? On your first date? Just after he proposed?

I think you need to support him and let it go.

You said it was the "lying" you cant get over. But I dont see that he lied.

He didnt tell you, but at no point did he lie. And although he appears to not be traumatised by it, that doesnt mean that he isnt. He put it in a box in his head and left it there, until it was dug up by "bob" saying those things to you.

If you are truly happy with him and as supportive as you say, why cant you be guided by him with this? He clearly wants to leave the past where it was, so I think you should do the same.

This isnt about you. It really isnt. This was something he did before he met you, he had no obligation to tell you, and you must accept that.

There are parts of my life from years ago that are too painful to keep in mind so I just bury them and move on. It's how we cope and go on living. I accept it's a big shock for you but this is not about you, support your DH.

Was the friend called 'Conifer Bob'?

Sorry.

I think it was probably a painful time your husband wanted to forget and also didn't want people to judge him about his drug habit, especially after quitting drugs.

It doesn't make you look cold and shallow. It makes you look hurt and confused by why he hasn't told you and that's totally reasonable. It can't be nice to find something like this out.
But - still think he had a life before you . It's a pretty major event but when should he have mentioned it??? Not easy to answer. Too early and I'd think " who are you and why you telling me this" and then when would be the the right time???

Why do you need space?

It's not any of the other things I listed - it's a tragedy and a previous drug habit, long ago.

He isn t the person he was. He is the person he is now and for the last 10 years. try and move on. I think most likely the death shook him up made him re evaluate his life and he grew up. I think again may be he was too a shamed to admit what happened.

I've done some things I've never told DH. I can see this seems like a major episode to you but I can see how he could have found it difficult to talk about.

Take your time and be really measured before you react to this. You may find with a bit of processing you are a bit more able to integrate what happened with the man you know and love and less inclined to do something drastic.

BeautifulMaudOHara I havent ranted or raved or made a fuss I've barely said anything I'm in shock. I wont get into the drug debt shit on MN but it was pretty grim on both sides. He did some horrid things in those days and it's caught me off guard. I told him I was sorry and genuinely was mortified at what he had been through. I'm just in shock but you are right.

You're 'reeling'? I'm tempted to invite you to get a grip and have a read of what some women here go through. His past is his to share or not as he sees fit - he owes you nothing from it. You seriously need to step back from this. It is not your business unless he chooses to make it so.

First of all, OP nobody can tell you yabu to want to separate. Nobody. Not ever. This is your relationship, your life, you can do what the hell you want.

The only thing I'd say is that you've known this man for 10 yrs - he's clearly got a past that you've been unaware of until now - but it sounds like he was sucked into something horrendous, more than anything else. Sometimes things happen to us that we want to forget.

Bogeyface you are right x

Op, I hope you don't think I'm / we are being horrible, I'm just posting bluntly and saying what I think. I honestly would be sympathetic if it were my Dh.

Do you think there is something about this for you that brings up your feelings about something else? :amateur psychology:

Oh gosh what a horrible shock for you Definitely if you're able to have some time together just the two of you to talk I think that would help. I wouldn't say yabu for suggesting separation but hopefully it won't come to that and you'll be able to work it out. Sending you good vibes! X

TheDuchessOfArbroathsHat Of course.

A young woman died and he's relieved he hasn't been dragged down by it. I'd find that shocking in an acquaintance, never mind DH.

The shit stirring 'friend' hasnt done him or you any favours either.

I think he was well within his rights to not tell you tbh. He didn't lie, unless you went, "hey, have you ever had a drug habit? Have any of your exes died?" and even then I'm not sure it's fair to expect him to tell you. I never told my husband I was raped before we met despite it impacting me as a person and changing who I was previously. Whatever came before you is not yours to know. I understand that it's a shock but it has literally no effect on you, and doesn't mean he's a different person from the man you married. You just know a bit more about his journey to become that person you met.

X posted OP, have we talked you down a bit?

BeautifulMaudOHara I don't know why I feel like this I just do. All of your responses are giving me a reality check and it's good to hear other women assure me that it's okay to have a past. I wish I could go into more detail but some of the shit that went down is a bit much and he did some horrid shit morally that bother me. Yes he was on drugs but some of the stories that experiences that came with that did have me reeling.

I cannot see the lying OP. I always expected as I got older that my partners had a past.

I think YABU to be honest.

I think YABU to be honest.

It must have been a truly terrible time for your DH, but he dealt with it and he, quite understandably, probably doesn't want it all being dragged up again. It happened more than 12 years ago and sounds like it should be left in the past.

Personally, i think you need to let it go and accept that everyone has a past. He isn't taking drugs now and from your OP, he sounds like a lovely man and your relationship sounds great.

Talking about this could have caused dark memories to resurface. Let him know that you love him and that you are there for him if he needs/wants to talk about it. Don't push him for details and be supportive.