DH has hidden some heavy stuff...AIBU to want to separate?

[mummymalta]

3 weeks ago DH revealed some very personal things which I feel I should have known before we got married. To be honest, we are all entitled to secrets and personal experiences I suppose, but where do you draw the line?

DH and I have been together for 10 years and married for 7. He's my best friend, I feel like I knew and loved him so much. Affirming these things is very strange to me. We were solid.

A "friend" of DH from the country he used to live in came to a party of a mutual friend of ours. Lets call him Bob. I don't know Bob, DH has only mentioned him briefly and my friend knows him but not well. He came with my friends brother who he is sort of close to. DH didn't want to come to the party (long day) and didn't know Bob would be there. I kissed the kids and ran out the house desperate for freedom on a friday night went to the party.

Get to the party and was enjoying child free time when my friends brother came over to say hi with Bob. "Bob you haven't met DH's wife have you? it's been about 12 years right? "
Bob: "Holy shit - you know I barely remember those days"
He then made a slick comment about him and DH being on coke half the time. I really cant remember what he said verbatim but I sort of nervously laughed (was shocked and he was drunk) and excused myself.

Naturally went home and curiously prodded DH the next morning in bed who waffled about trying it a couple of times and said Bob was a royal prick with a big bouth. I was uneasy that he didn't tell me but nothing divorce worthy. I ask why he didn't tell me and prodded as you do (smelled a rat, wife spidey sense) and then he told me:

He had a coke habit when he went to live abroad in his early twenties right before I met him. He said it was just a bit of fun and just when it started getting a bit out of control he met a girl who he really loved. They had a real relationship and spent a year getting high. Only god knows how he kept his job, but of course drug addiction doesn't necessarily have a face. Anyway she had previously had a heroin addiction and they started doing heavier stuff. He freaked out and ended it. She stopped picking up her mobile and he went to check on her she's dead in flat. Huge drama with her family/ police / drug debt I wont get into it but its fucking insane. He comes home tells no one traumatised. We meet about a year and a half later.

I didnt sense one thing - he spoke of his couple of years abroad quite normally but rarely looking back. I thought nothing of it why would I?

I'm still in shock, not just from the incident, but of the fact that he didn't tell me. I was so shocked that I just said he needs to give me time to digest it. We haven't spoken about it since because I've just shut down. I don't know what's wrong with me - I feel nothing. It's like he's a stranger now. We had a very happy and passionate marriage. Such a great banter affection. Even the kids sense something is off. He keeps trying to talk about it but i don't even hear a word he's saying. I just keep on thinking who are you?

AIBU to want to separate for a bit? I have had no time to digest this?! He said lets send the kids to their nans for half term and deal with this so off they go tomorrow.

[StrictlyMumDancing]

I don't think YABU at all, possibly against the grain of what's here. I saw your words separate for a bit. I think if I were in your circumstances I'd want the same. Its not about not having empathy for your DH, its about something rocking your foundations. I would feel I'd need some time to evaluate and then time to relearn my DH. It doesn't mean permanently splitting at all, just a recognition of adapting.

for you and your DH though. I can understand why he didn't want to reveal it, but I also understand where you're coming from too. Not sure there is a right answer other than to say go with your gut.

[WannaBe]

Well I'm going to go against the grain and say yanbu. And actually I think that you could get different responses on any given day on here. Recently there was a thread on here where people discussed drug use and how it would be a deal breaker for them.

On some level no, he doesn't necessarily owe you an explanation of his past. But on another level, he had a serious drug habit, not just a few lines of Coke, but what essentially amounts to a heroin addiction during which time he apparently found his girlfriend dead in her flat, and this never came up? Never? I'd be wondering what else he lied about. I'd be wondering what he was capable of, I'd be wondering how little respect he could have for another human being, someone he claimed to love, that she could die, he find her body, and he obliterate that from his thinking.

For me, he wouldn't be the person I thought he was, and it would put a serious question mark over the future.

[BeautifulMaudOHara]

Good luck with it OP

[Wauden]

Just give him some time and yourself some time; he did see something most people don't. Men and women returning from wars sometimes never spoke about what they saw. You need to work through this together and get stronger. No reason to dump him now.

[Pidlan]

Oh ffs give the OP a break.
Of course we all have things we'd rather keep in the past, and we don't have to share anything we don't want
to. But the OP is probably imagining where her DH's head was when he met her, whether he thought of the dead ex a lot etc. I'd feel a bit sad that my DP had carried that for all that time and hadn't felt like sharing it. It must have been a horrible, traumatic time for him.
He hasn't BU for not sharing, but you're not BU for being upset.

[BeautifulMaudOHara]

Btw a friend of mine was a heroin addict in her 20s. Needles, hepatitis, the lot. She's now in her late 50s and is solidly respectable, happy and well. It's been over 30 years since she took drugs but she doesn't tend to tell many people.

[TheCladdagh]

Listen, OP, I can sound pretty chipper about being abused too. Sometimes. Although it was 33 years ago, I was 10, and I can remember every detail about what I was wearing. People deal with stuff in different ways. We have this cultural ideal of total disclosure, and that therapy is a cure-all. It isn't true. I only told DH because I was lying on the floor of a consultant's room getting sick, nine months pregnant. Otherwise I probably wouldn't have. It doesn't mean I don't love him or trust him. Cut your DH some slack.

[bakeoffcake]

I don't have any experience of drugs so if this were my H I'd be bloody scared by the whole thing.

OP, I imagine you're thinking about the stuff he did whilst he was a drug addict and thinking it's not the person you know and love. If it were my H I'd also be wondering if he could behave like that again, so I do get why you're "reeling".

It may take some time to fet your head round this but hope you can because it sounds like you've got a good marriage.

[Miso104]

YANBU in my opinion.
My husband kept a huge secret from me for 13 years and 3 years after I found out, we are on the verge of splitting. The damage has been pernicious. It has made me question everything about him and why he's presented an edited version of himself to me. I no longer look back on our shared past with happiness. I've got rid of all our wedding photos as I can't look at them without thinking 'you took your vows with secrets in your heart'. He doesn't seem to understand this, making himself out to be the victim and me to being self-obsessed. I think it's splitting hairs to say he didn't lie because you didn't ask him. I mean, why would you ask him something as specific as that? This is going to take a lot of effort on both sides to make sense of and to limit the damage its going to cause to the trust at the heart of your relationship.
I really do wish you luck with this. Please don't end up bitter and separated like me

[MatildaTheCat]

I will swim against the tide and say YANBU. Your dh isn't who you thought. Serious drugs, a dead ex and more...that's not the usual 'past relationship so irrelevant,' stuff. It's major.mit will have involved the police, inquests and all bee a massive deal. I would very definitely have expected to have known about it.

It sounds as if your dp has changed, moved on and quit his former life which is all good. However, feeling completely blindsided by this bolt from the blue is very reasonable and you deserve time to digest the information and he owes you answers to any questions you may have.

[Xmasbaby11]

I think it would take time for me to get my head round it, and I'd want to know more. I wouldn't feel that he'd particularly done anything wrong.

I don't think I would want to separate as you want to become closer, not further apart.

[houseeveryweekend]

I kind of think you are being unreasonable because obviously this is an incredibly traumatic thing that has happened to him that he has not felt comfortable discussing with you. I can see why you are hurt but he has not actively lied to you to hurt you so i cant see why you would be angry or need to punish him etc. I think if you do care about him you should try and support him. I cant imagine how id feel if i found someone dead and i dont know if i would really want to talk about it that often even with the people i was closest to. There are a couple of traumatic things that happened to my DP that he didnt discuss with me until we had been seeing each other quite a while. Its not lying its just waiting to feel comfortable enough to talk about difficult events. Its sad he didnt feel comfortable enough to tell you straight away and i get that that is hurtful but this is not the same thing as lying at all. x

[MudCity]

OP, it's ok for you to feel the way you do. Please do not feel bad for it. You have found out things you didn't know about your DH which have caused you to question his character. You thought you knew everything there was to know about him, then found you didn't.

My mother once told me that you can never really know another person and she is right. You only know what they choose to tell you. I can understand why this has shaken you. Let him talk about it while your DCs are away as it may help you understand the whole situation and his reasons for not disclosing it sooner.

Have to say my DH would be annoyed if something like this came to light about me and I'm pretty confident he would feel that he didn't know me as well as he thought he did, I don't think you are alone on that score.

Think about going for counselling if you struggle with this. It's ok to be upset. It's ok to question. It's ok to feel the way you do.

[mummytime]

I'm sorry but I don't agree with the majority.
I would say YANBU to want some space to think and consider.
To be honest I would want to use some of that time to make sure that I had been told the whole truth. If my DH had kept a secret like this for 10 years, I would want to do my best to double check I knew the full story now.

[PhylumChordata]

I think I'd be pretty shocked too OP. And need time to digest it all.

Your dh isn't who you thought he was and not mentioning a dead ex girlfriend does sound callous.

Take care And I think he does owe you a bit of explanation.

[Kallyno]

Your shock and sense of disorientation are entirely understandable, 100%. But he sounds like he lived through some awful stuff that he likely feels grubby about and didn't want to air, not the same as lying, imo. This is the stuff that makes or breaks relationships: you can slink off and lick your wounds alone or you can do it together and hopefully be all the closer for it. I would advise sending the kids for a nice break at Nana's and use the time to try and draw closer together and understand each other all the more.
for the shock tho, but this is where you get to really become close.

[Emilyfarnsbarns]

I don't think he has lied to you. I understand how shocked you must feel, but i do think talk of (even brief) separation is OTT. Yes you both need time to talk but i think he also needs to know you still love him and want to put this behind you.

Fwiw, I'm in my 40's and lead your average married with kids respectable life. I rarely drink, no longer smoke, i'm quite boring! Throughout my twenties however, i had the morals of an alley cat. I took various drugs, coke included, got involved with extremely dodgy characters, had risky affairs.....I was out of control. However, i got it all out of my system and within a year had stopped all the dodgy behaviour, a year after that I met my DH and I've never looked back. He knows i had a racy past but he doesnt know everything, i haven't lied but some of it has never been relevant to bring up. It's not who i am. I am totally devoted to my DH and children.
Not sure whether that helps, but thought it might be useful to have the other viewpoint.
I really hope you both work it out.

[Gowestyoungmum]

I don't think it's at all unreasonable for you to be shocked and upset. Of course there can be unpleasant things about one's past, but this is an enormous matter to have kept hidden. Seeing as it's in the past, rather than a current dangerous habit, I'd hesitate to separate, as it could make your children feel less secure in stability of the relationship. However, I think it's to be expected that you will need to do a lot of thinking this over, and it may take a lot of work to regain confidence in your dh. I hope it goes well for you. I'd be knocked for six.

[kiki22]

I can see both sides of this I would be totally shocked if I found out something like this, my dp done lots of drugs in his youth but never anything as hard as heroin I knew about them from the startish so it was fine but if I ever found out he had been on something more id be shocked.

However there are things that have happened to me ive not told him about I cant talk about these things with anyone I don't think about them and have totally detached like it was someone else, if dp found out I'm sure he would be shocked too (though my things were not of my own doing)

Its like a nightmare situation you love him you know hes a good person but you have been totally blindsided by this huge revelation its going to take sometime for it to wear off. I get what you mean about the lying my first instinct it to say he shouldn't have lied but when Ive kept my secrets I done so to protect myself not to keep dp in the dark.

[VoldysGoneMouldy]

It sounds like he's never really dealt with the trauma, just suppressed it, and it's been thrown up in his face - and yours - before he could even consider addressing it. It doesn't matter how long ago that trauma was, it can leave life long dents.

Be kind to him as well as to yourself.

I have some awful things in my past, and in the last week have told DH some of them in frank detail. Probably sounding as detached, removed, blunt, and any manner of things that were not 'appropriate' to what I was describing. It's easier that way.

I can understand why you're feeling shocked but YABU. His trauma is his.

[Iknownuffink]

Op you are making this new found 'gossip' all about you. That is self centred and selfish.

You have a past.

Your husband has a past.

Do you really want to deal with the consequences of bringing up what may be his worst life experiences?

He had a life before you.

You are being selfish IMO.

[peacefuleasyfeeling]

I think this is also about your feelings about drugs and addiction. Bakeoffcake suggests your DH isn't the man you know and love, but I'm not sure I agree. You say yourself that he held down a job at this time and, by the sounds of things, also kept a roof over his head. In my teens and 20s I had several friends with serious addictions. All were functioning in society, some had meaningful, loving relationships. Their addictions (alcohol, cocaine and heroin) didn't make them bad people. But their lives were so much harder. I suppose what I am saying is that your DH is the very same person now as then, shaped and moulded into being this beautiful man, friend and husband you describe. This event in his past, however disturbing to you in the present, has made him who he is today. There are some things in my own past which, if I think about them, I know would make DP faint, but because the memories of them are now so enmeshed into the very fabric of who I am, I don't really think about them anymore, any more than I walk around contemplating the size of my earlobes or similar. Integration. I think that's where your DP is at.
Good luck!

[Just5minswithDacre]

What IS a 'drug debt drama' exactly? Going on the run from dodgy characters? Doing dodgy stuff to repay dodgy characters?

[Just5minswithDacre]

I wont get into the drug debt shit on MN but it was pretty grim on both sides. He did some horrid things in those days and it's caught me off guard. I told him I was sorry and genuinely was mortified at what he had been through

Ah okay, I missed that post at first.

I think the gap between your reaction and the MN reaction is probably right there.You've found out something much worse than his addiction/using and the fact that his gf ODed, haven't you?

[peacefuleasyfeeling]

Not as succinct as I thought I was being, but I will have another stab at it; addiction doesn't necessarily turn people into gurning, writhing, grasping monsters.