DH has hidden some heavy stuff...AIBU to want to separate?

[mummymalta]

3 weeks ago DH revealed some very personal things which I feel I should have known before we got married. To be honest, we are all entitled to secrets and personal experiences I suppose, but where do you draw the line?

DH and I have been together for 10 years and married for 7. He's my best friend, I feel like I knew and loved him so much. Affirming these things is very strange to me. We were solid.

A "friend" of DH from the country he used to live in came to a party of a mutual friend of ours. Lets call him Bob. I don't know Bob, DH has only mentioned him briefly and my friend knows him but not well. He came with my friends brother who he is sort of close to. DH didn't want to come to the party (long day) and didn't know Bob would be there. I kissed the kids and ran out the house desperate for freedom on a friday night went to the party.

Get to the party and was enjoying child free time when my friends brother came over to say hi with Bob. "Bob you haven't met DH's wife have you? it's been about 12 years right? "
Bob: "Holy shit - you know I barely remember those days"
He then made a slick comment about him and DH being on coke half the time. I really cant remember what he said verbatim but I sort of nervously laughed (was shocked and he was drunk) and excused myself.

Naturally went home and curiously prodded DH the next morning in bed who waffled about trying it a couple of times and said Bob was a royal prick with a big bouth. I was uneasy that he didn't tell me but nothing divorce worthy. I ask why he didn't tell me and prodded as you do (smelled a rat, wife spidey sense) and then he told me:

He had a coke habit when he went to live abroad in his early twenties right before I met him. He said it was just a bit of fun and just when it started getting a bit out of control he met a girl who he really loved. They had a real relationship and spent a year getting high. Only god knows how he kept his job, but of course drug addiction doesn't necessarily have a face. Anyway she had previously had a heroin addiction and they started doing heavier stuff. He freaked out and ended it. She stopped picking up her mobile and he went to check on her she's dead in flat. Huge drama with her family/ police / drug debt I wont get into it but its fucking insane. He comes home tells no one traumatised. We meet about a year and a half later.

I didnt sense one thing - he spoke of his couple of years abroad quite normally but rarely looking back. I thought nothing of it why would I?

I'm still in shock, not just from the incident, but of the fact that he didn't tell me. I was so shocked that I just said he needs to give me time to digest it. We haven't spoken about it since because I've just shut down. I don't know what's wrong with me - I feel nothing. It's like he's a stranger now. We had a very happy and passionate marriage. Such a great banter affection. Even the kids sense something is off. He keeps trying to talk about it but i don't even hear a word he's saying. I just keep on thinking who are you?

AIBU to want to separate for a bit? I have had no time to digest this?! He said lets send the kids to their nans for half term and deal with this so off they go tomorrow.

I'd be divorcing him TBH

If you want thinking space, that's entirely reasonable.

I think your reaction is completely understandable.

I'd be so shocked to find out my DP had a drug problem, let alone the rest. And drug addictions are one of my bottom lines where I'd just walk away immediately, so I'd be annoyed that he was a druggy and I'd not known, nevermind the rest.

However, he's obviously completely beaten the addiction he had, which is to his credit. I think I'd see that with some time to process it all.

I also think that YANBU.

He might not be the person he was then, but that fact that he had even been that person would disgust me.

If he'd genuinely changed then he would have remorse for the things he had done in the past.

Drugs are no excuse. If an alcoholic gets into a car and kills a child do we say "well, it was the alcohol, alcoholism is a disease y'know,". Of course we don't.

yes, drugs can be personality altering, and of course it's entirely likely that the things you do when you're under the influence of drugs bear no resemblance to the person you are when clean. But that doesn't make it ok, it doesn't mean it's ok to rape someone under the influence of drugs and blame the drugs.

There is no way I would be able to get past this. And OP has every right to make this all about her. She's been lied to, deceived, the man she married is not the man she thought he was.

wombthereitis I'm sorry but your MN Name as made my morning and has really cheered me up. Womb There It Is.

Am I missing something? Is he traumatised and thats why he sounds like its just a bad memory nothing more? Am I being a cold evil bitch who doesn't understand that the addict is a victim too. I grew up on a horrid estate and I'm really sorry after being on the receiving end of what selling and taking drugs does to community I'm really shocked and don't see him the same.

Am I cold for not instantly thinking: "drug addiction is horrid and I'm so sorry you went through that"

I'm just thinking about all the people he fucked over and his lack of remorse.

Again, is he shell shocked or did i marry a privileged prick?

Lord.

This place shocks me sometimes. There was a thread a few weeks ago about whether someone should leave their dp for seeing a prostitute before they met - very little 'ooh, everyone has a past' on that thread...

I can understand not telling you straight away, but surely in the course of ten years enough would have been drip fed out naturally to build up a picture. I have a bit of a past but my husband knows all about it.

I can see why you are shocked - your husband has kept something very major from you and it's something that doesn't fit in to the image of the man you are married to.

He sounds like he's changed and he isn't the man he was in those days. Hold onto that thought.

I don't think you should separate but talk it through with someone neutral - a counsellor perhaps,.

Again, is he shell shocked or did i marry a privileged prick?

But surely after a fairly long marriage, you know if he is a privileged prick or not.

Is your marriage, generally, a happy one? Is he a good person, husband and father?

Only you know that. Not us.

WannaBe Thank you so so much !!!!!!! I'm not articulating myself well on here because I cannot think straight but thank you so much for saying that!!! That's how I feel!!

Drugs are no excuse. If an alcoholic gets into a car and kills a child do we say "well, it was the alcohol, alcoholism is a disease y'know,". Of course we don't. yes, drugs can be personality altering, and of course it's entirely likely that the things you do when you're under the influence of drugs bear no resemblance to the person you are when clean. But that doesn't make it ok, it doesn't mean it's ok to rape someone under the influence of drugs and blame the drugs

It's desperately difficult for you. The whole drugs world is a total nightmare and when you get sacked in you lose all sense of morals. But he should be shocked now.. Maybe he has buried it so deep he has emotionally cut off from it. I wouldn't be surprised if a much bigger reaction comes from him in the next few days as he has opened a can of worms. It sounds a callous thing to say but the reality is people who have been involved in drugs have seen people die and have had some of their best mates in that life die. Does he live in that life forever or does he try and move on? I have huge admiration for him for moving on. I believe he had good stuff underneath possibly from childhood to do that but for you its a tremendous shock especially getting it all in one go. Ye will need help with this l think. My heart goes out to both of ye as he deserves happiness and understanding but you are reeling.

YABU op sorry. I thought for some reason you were going to say he'd been in a relationship with Bob.

Everyone is entitled to a past. It sounds like he has been completely traumatised by it. So rather than leaving him, support him.

"Am I cold for not instantly thinking: "drug addiction is horrid and I'm so sorry you went through that"" no. Drugs are a choice which he made. Nobody falls into drug addiction, you choose to take heroin or Coke, the addiction follows, but the initial decision to take those drugs in the first place is a choice which he consciously made.

I suspect he sees him-then as a totally different person to him-now, hence the lack of remorse.

I have a bit of a past and went through a stage of feeling horrendous guilt about it - then acceptance, in a 'I can't change the past' sort of way. That person genuinely feels like someone else now and it's hard to feel guilty when you know in a million years you would never do the same thing again.

I don't think having a past is a problem. Lying about it (by omission or otherwise) and having no remorse or ownership of it, THATS a fucking problem.

I get it OP, I do, and I'm thinking, given he's been your husband for the last 10 years, that your assessment of him being a privileged asshole who's just merrily gone on his way, is accurate.

I don't know if I would be getting a divorce, but I sure as shit would be considering my options.

readytorage not leaving just need a break

This puts a very different perspective on my earlier post. No I'm very naive about all the stuff you just revealed. I was more thinking along the lines of stealing stuff from shops and fencing it to pay for debts. I was thinking in the hundreds of pounds of debt because you said it was mainly a coke habit not crack or heroin.

I would feel very differently then. I do t know if I could get past that. If I felt potentially there was a way forward, I would want in depth couples counselling. Yes, separate for a while if it will help to get your head straight. YANBU to make it all about you.

So for all those saying that everyone has a past, if the man had revealed to the OP that ten years ago he did time for raping an ex while entirely sober, would you still say "well, everyone has a past." If he admitted that in a previous relationship he'd been guilty of domestic violence towards his partner would you all be saying "everyone has a past, it's what he's like now that counts."

Just because drugs were involved doesn't make rape and violence less rape and violence. He's still a rapist who beat up his girlfriend and who was involved in other criminal stuff. The drugs don't make that less so, they only provide a reason why this stuff happened, not a justification.

The girlfriend could never have him charged with rape because well, she's dead. Bit convenient that, isn't it? How many other girls did he rape while under the influence I wonder.

Frikonastick he really looked like that! I'm working class he is upper middle (parents have a cringey amount of money) and it's never mattered until now. He is really down to earth etc but I could smell the privilege when he told me a bit of what happened. It bothered me. The DH I know would be ashamed and disgusted. This guy seemed irritated that Bob let his past slip.

And for those saying that he's obviously traumatised by it, so he fucking well should be. .

YANBU, in fact I'd be divorcing him. Of course everyone has a past but when your past involves drug addiction, dead ex girlfriends, hurting other people and drug debts I think you owe it to the other person to be honest about t.

If this was me I'd be no longer recognising the man I married. If he'd been honest about it before then I'd possibly have worked through it. At 10 years into a marriage I'd have expected honesty and since he didn't even tell the OP the truth until he was outed I don't think he deserves an awful lot of sympathy.

OP this is all about you, he made those choices and then he ran away and pretended as if it never happened. Now you're supposed to ignore it all too? I know I wouldn't. If you heard this story from someone else then you'd make a judgement on what kind of person he was, now I don't think I could ever marry someone capable of those things let alone someone who had actually done them.

Actually I am with you. There are elements of his past I just couldn't overcome.

Take what time you can.
Think and make sure you have your facts straight.

Whatever you decide is fine. It's your life and you don't need excuses to leave or to stay. Although if you do stay you may well need counselling to restart the relationship.

He raped someone?
I'd be leaving, no question.

Janecc He was coke in the start which he could afford, and it wasn't street stuff it was really pure he told me and cost more. He said they called it "corporate coke". As it got worse the crowed he was around naturally got worse but he always took the expensive stuff.
It started with the coke and she introduced him to heroin and crack. He said the heroin wasn't his thing in the end but the crack was scarily good and turns you into a fiend. He was also buying her drugs too and would pay her debt etc just a mess a big fucking mess.

WannaBe Fell sick after reading that

But he hasn't lied has he? He has just omitted to tell you something about his past that was painful and shameful.

I think yabu sorry