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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I unreasonable to be p***ed off with my daughter and her wedding?

1000 replies

kathycraig79 · 29/05/2016 09:00

My daughter's wedding is this summer, we've been planning it together for months and we have genuinely had a good time doing so. However, my daughter is a vegan, and she is adamant that the wedding also must be vegan. This is fine with me, I support her wish and this is for her to decide. We sent the invitations (and I thought it would be a good idea to include the information about vegan catering on the invitations) and we have had many RSVPs basically saying they will not be coming if the food is vegan. I have to say this was unexpected, many of the family are quite traditional, meat-and-two-veg, but I did not expect this to be such a problem.

The thing now is that many of the guests are refusing to come, and my daughter is not willing to budge. I personally don't see the big deal in catering for everyone's tastes, it was a bloody nightmare to book the vegan caterer. I'm really getting frustrated, yesterday my daughter said she was thinking of cancelling the whole thing and thinks the guests are being unreasonable. Maybe I should not have put this information on the invitations?

OP posts:
MrsJoeyMaynard · 03/06/2016 19:15

OP, I know people are curious about the menu - I am too - but seriously, now this has appeared on the Daily Mail website, I wouldn't post menu details.

Your DD's unlikely to be the only person ever to have planned a vegan wedding that's put off guests with more traditional tastes, so if your family see this, they might be suspicious, yes, but well, it could be some one else hosting a similar wedding that's posted.

But the menu would be a dead give away if they see this thread and then decide to ask what the menu is in case it's not as unpalatable as they've been imagining.

clairesamuel · 03/06/2016 19:16

I can understand your point of view as I'm guessing you're not Vegan. My mother would feel the same as you do. However being a vegetarian I can tell you that it is very hard to be around people eating meat, even if it's their choice, and seeing meat being eaten by people sitting close to me makes me feel ill. I'm sure your daughter doesn't want to feel this way on her wedding day. If it was my wedding I wouldn't have put it on the invitation. I don't think there's anything you can do now. Tell your daughter not to cancel but to go ahead with whatever guests there are and know these are the real family/friends, not the unreasonable ones who don't want to come. Take lots of photos of the great food and show them all what they missed out on.

derxa · 03/06/2016 19:21

kathy I hope it all goes well. The most important thing is that he is good enough for your daughter. Grin good luck.

BurningBridges · 03/06/2016 19:29

So basically the OP has come back and said exactly what she said in the first post, but in a slightly different order.

spankhurst · 03/06/2016 19:43

I enjoy food as much as the next person and have the waistline to prove it, but I find it genuinely staggering that a grown adult would refuse to attend a wedding because of the food. I don't think your daughter should have to compromise and I think you were right to mention it on the invites.

HSMMaCM · 03/06/2016 20:12

Your DD shouldn't compromise. Of course all the guests will be able to eat her food. I have been to weddings where I didn't like the food, but that's not why I was there, so it didn't matter.

Original poster
kathycraig79 · 03/06/2016 20:14

My daughter has the put the following rough menu together:

  • mini baked tofu 'bites' with a variety of dips to circulate at the beginning
  • for the starter, grilled vegetable kebabs with a salad
  • for the main, baked thallium with fried potato salad
  • for the dessert, chocolate mousse and coffee

She is having second thoughts about the starter, but it doesn't sound too bad to me. I don't tend to eat a lot of vegan food but it wouldn't be off-putting to me.

OP posts:
MrsJoeyMaynard · 03/06/2016 20:22

Thallium has to be a typo surely? Thallium is a highly toxic heavy metal.

QueenJuggler · 03/06/2016 20:24

I'm sure she's not serving baked thallium. I'd definitely refuse to eat that!

Halo84 · 03/06/2016 20:24

No, you are not being unreasonable.

You are hosting a wedding. As a host, you should always try to make your guests comfortable, be it in your home, or at a wedding.

Weddings are not inexpensive events, both for those hosting the wedding, and for guests. I wouldn't have an issue with a vegan wedding, but I would find it rude on the part of the planner to impose her own beliefs and dietary restrictions on everyone there (I assume this is because your daughter feels strongly about eating meat).

I think you were right to place that restriction on the invitations. I wouldn't worry too much about those who refuse to attend, just go ahead without them.

Roussette · 03/06/2016 20:24

What the heck is thallium?

Do vegans actually want to throw up if they see someone eating meat? I honestly think that's extreme and more of an issue than a choice of being vegan.

I think... apart from the thallium whatever it is that menu sounds fine to me!

frieda909 · 03/06/2016 20:27

In some ways I think that my daughter's holier-than-thou veganism is as bad as the family's traditional meat-and-two-veg mentality

That may be the case, but in this instance it's her wedding. Even the most die-hard of meat eaters should be able to go without their favourite food for one day. Heck, it doesn't even need to be the whole day! They can have a full English beforehand and a burger on the way home if they want to.

Unless your family are allergic to tofu or something, then her menu already is accommodating everyone. If a compromise really needs to be reached, then you could ask the family members if there's a particular vegan food that they really don't like, and try to find an alternative vegan option which might work better for them. But even that's more than she needs to do, and, more to the point, I can't think of a single foodstuff I dislike so much that I'd turn down an invitation to a loved one's wedding if it was being served.

For your relatives to say, 'I'm a bit nervous about the vegan menu, can we have more details so we know whether there's anything we'll like?' would be one thing. But refusing to come unless there's meat and two veg is just beyond unreasonable! I can't believe you're siding with them over your daughter on this one, and I do feel like this must be about WAY more than one silly meal.

NerrSnerr · 03/06/2016 20:28

What could thallium be autocorrected from? I can't figure it out?

Roussette · 03/06/2016 20:31

I am torn on all of this. TBH when I was getting married I just wanted everyone to enjoy themselves and eat lots to soak up the drink. I really can't get my head round why the bride wouldn't do veggie food. It's not like guests are eating meat in front of her. It's vegetarian, tasty, nourishing, enough for everyone to enjoy. Why does she have to go so far as saying no eggs, cheese, dairy when surely it really won't affect her wedding day that much?

NerrSnerr · 03/06/2016 20:31

And if you're worried your daughter will read it now it's in the paper why make it more identifiable with the menu especially if she's planning mass murder by feeding everyone a very toxic metal

bigbootsandshoes · 03/06/2016 20:31

My husband has just looked up and said this thread is on the daily mail. He said he's on the side of the vegan bride.

Halo84 · 03/06/2016 20:32

Yes it is her wedding. but it's for her guests.

My husband has been a vegetarian for 35 years. He eats no animal products at all. Yet, he has never had an issue with others eating meat. He cooks it for guests. Our son is also a vegetarian, and again, has no issues with meat eaters.

Tofu is very much an acquired taste. Our son won't eat it at all, and he is a vegetarian It's a staple for vegetarians because of its protein content, not its outstanding taste. I'd probably skip it, and serve crudites instead. Unless, of course, the menu is a political statement. :)

frieda909 · 03/06/2016 20:37

I really can't get my head round why the bride wouldn't do veggie food. It's not like guests are eating meat in front of her. It's vegetarian, tasty, nourishing, enough for everyone to enjoy. Why does she have to go so far as saying no eggs, cheese, dairy when surely it really won't affect her wedding day that much?

I'm an omnivore, but vegetarianism and veganism isn't just about not wanting people to eat things in front of you because you don't like them. Many vegans decide to be so because they object to the ways meat, eggs and dairy are farmed and the impact these industries have on the planet. That being the case, it's not hard to understand why someone wouldn't want to support those industries on their wedding day by paying for a hundred portions of steak/cheese/eggs/whatever.

It's not about the bride imposing her diet on others, it's about her not wanting to provide something that she has ethical objections to.

Roussette · 03/06/2016 20:37

I just find it strange. I would not inflict my eating habits onto anyone else. I don't like meat substitutes at all but if I've had a few glasses and I'm starving I would eat something, because I'm starving but I just think the menu is a bit inflexible to be honest.

LauraMipsum · 03/06/2016 20:44

Thallium Confused Grin

Floggingmolly · 03/06/2016 20:49

Whatever Thallium is; it's apparently poisonous... Wtf?

fascicle · 03/06/2016 20:50

Perhaps thallium = allium? (onion, leek, garlic etc).

DuvetDayEveryday · 03/06/2016 20:53

How do you make chocolate mousse without cream or eggs?

LauraMipsum · 03/06/2016 20:55

You can use avocado Duvet

DuvetDayEveryday · 03/06/2016 20:56

Oh. That sounds revolting interesting.

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