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To be fed up of feeling like I'm a second-class member of society

763 replies

Mummyme1987 · 29/05/2016 02:11

I had a serious car accident a few years ago, and have various medical complications too. I use a wheelchair. I'm fed up with this feeling that because I have mobility and medical problems, I'm not a full member of society. I overheard a now non friend imply that I was a drain on society because I don't work. Lately I've had issues with people talking over me, at a checkout I'm ignored and even though my hand is out for the change it's given to my husband. Little things like people moving my wheelchair so I'm facing the wall. Even moving me so I bash my toes. And then there is the parking issues, comments about being too young to have mobility problems, like being young stops car accidents. I've put on weight since the accident, so i get a lot of too fat to walk comments. Why do people do this? My family are fab, we have other disabilities in the family, and at home I don't feel this way. Im now finding I don't enjoy leave the house unless I have too. Im fed up with other people's attitudes. When I have talked to these people about the attitude, they always try to lay it at my feet with the dont be so sensitive, maybe you are depressed (I'm not), I'm actually really happy, I just am fed up with your attitude! Im not even sure why i am writing this but it has boiled ever today.

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NigelMolesworth · 31/05/2016 10:01

My friend is a wheelchair user and the rubbish she has to put up with is enough to drive anyone insane. The comments I've had when I've been out with her have given me the rage and a brief insight into what it's like for her all the time. So Flowers of support for you all.

MothertotheLordsofmisrule · 31/05/2016 10:21

I just wanted to say I have read this thread and I am gobsmacked that people still do the talking to the able bodied partner/friend thing!?!

I let my kids take the lead at the docs as they know how they feel - not me!
Same in restaurants, they know what they want.

Just wanted to say this thread has opened my eyes a bit more and I am saddened that these attitudes exist still.
Agree about the spending time experiencing life with a disability, it may make some people rethink their views.

MollyRedskirts · 31/05/2016 10:27

The general public collectively have the brains of a mollusc sometimes. I'm so sorry for everything you've all experienced. It's beyond words.

I'm in an odd position where I'm classed as disabled and will be for the rest of my life, but actually I'm ok for the most part, except when my medication kicks off a period of fatigue. I had cancer and successfully went through treatment but cancer is one of the conditions specifically stated as a disability under the Equality Act, and you're covered (in theory!) from discrimination for the rest of your life even if your cancer is gone. In practise, hahahaha.

I used a wheelchair for about six months last year and only one person grabbed my chair, but I let him off as he genuinely thought I was out of control, when in fact I'd been looking forward all day to freewheeling down that massive slope. Heh.

It did open my eyes to how the world just isn't designed for disabled people. Hospital appointments held in rooms with doors that weren't wide enough to get the chair through, uneven pavements, everything at head height if you're standing, and dropped kerbs made so steeply that I had to go streets out of my way to cross roads safely because I was scared I'd tip up if I tried the 'dropped' kerb.

I think I was very lucky not to experience people talking over me, or about me like I was an object, but I used the chair for such a short time that I'm certain it would have happened had I needed it longer.

For anyone reading who may be interested, the British Red Cross hire out wheelchairs for up to eight weeks for a very small fee if around £40. That's less than the day rate for all of the private mobility companies I looked into.

Foofoobum · 31/05/2016 12:36

Thankfully I'm not yet a wheelchair user (I have a few years left in these legs!) but the bums comment gave me an idea...
I've noticed a lot of builder's style cracks that are just calling for a cold penny to be dropped down them. Maybe cointoss as a form of entertainment at crossings?

ScarlettSahara · 31/05/2016 13:07

Mummyme and other posters. I am shocked to read your experiences. It makes me feel ill actually.
A lot of people do behave badly and selfishly in general. I agree with the poster who relayed experience of having artificially induced disabilities at school - it would seem a good way to learn.
Sadly many people will always lack empathy,common sense and imagination. I hope that the ones who do care will shine through Flowers

ohtheholidays · 31/05/2016 13:08

Like other posters there are times where I've refused to use my wheelchair just because of the attitudes of others when I'm in the wheelchair,my Drs at the Dr's surgery and the specialists I'm under at the hospital would go mad at me if they found out.

I'm supposed to be in it all the time,part of the reason is I suffered a rare form of brain damage(that's what set all the problems of)and my left side of my brain sometimes forgets to send messages to the right side of my brain.
Twice it's caught me out and been quite severe when it has,once I fell in the road(no cars coming,I didn't endanger any one else I never would)really buggered my self up then and another time was in our garden I fell but fell onto bent my bent legs(God only know's why my body thought that would be a good idea)I managed to deflate my left lung that time,it's never recovered.

Another poster said about the way you can look changing the way people treat you when your disabled,it reminded me of the worst time I ever had because of that.I had only been out of the hospital a few weeks,we had 5DC and our youngest was just over a year old.We took our 5DC to a lovely wildlife park we'd gone to many times over the years.
I was feeling exhausted by the time we sat down for lunch but was doing okay,we start to eat and I get the shakes,struggle to feed myself and the right side of my face and my right eye dropped a bit.

The young women on the till says to 3 other members of staff so we could hear here "How disgusting fancy coming out with your children and your bloody drunk" The bitch presumed I was drunk,my DH and the older DC went mad,my DH went and gave her what for and reported her,luckily enough a couple of the members of staff she'd said it to were already having a go at and going of course she's not drunk she's ill the poor woman.
The supervisor and manager came and said sorry,told her off in front of everyone and took her out the back with them.
Needless to say I stopped eating,my DH wheeled me to the toilets whilst our DC finished eating and I sat in the disabled toilet and sobbed for 10 minutes.I felt so guilty towards my DC,I felt like I'd let them down and made them feel embarrased because they're Mum didn't look normal to anyone anymore.

The just I talked about above(not wanting to be in the wheelchair just because of peoples reactions)that just has made me feel suicidal more than once in the past.

And MummyMe 1987 can I just say thank you so much for starting this thread,it's really helping me,I don't feel so alone anymore Flowers

wherethefuckisthefuckingtuna · 31/05/2016 13:20

Ohtheholidays - your post has brought a tear to my eye.

I am so sorry to hear of your experiences. And the consequences of them too.

You're never alone.

Especially the part about not looking 'normal' for your children really hit a nerve for me. I have MS which is degenerative. For now I 'look' pretty normal (apart from the nerve damaged eye which frequently has a mind of its own). But I know that in the future things may change. Limb spasms, slurred speech and various other delights await me.

I worry I won't be able to look after my dc the way I want to in the future.

I've been seeing a CBT therapist to help me come to terms with it. I've found it extremely helpful Flowers

NameChangeMum456 · 31/05/2016 13:27

I'm incapable of using a wheelchair unless I'm with a carer so I use a mobility scooter. Since losing my mobility I've gained weight, rather a bit because most of my exercise was walking even after I became disabled, and I've yet to find another activity to suit. The number of times I've overheard people talking about lazy fat people using scooters being ridiculous and they should just lose weight because being a fatty isn't a disability whilst I'm the only person around in a scooter is depressing.

lozster · 31/05/2016 13:39

Wow. I'm amazed and depressed that you experience this. I had an obviously incorrect idea that a wheel chair is such a visible sign of disability that joe public would take extra care not less. I am agog that someone would have the cheek to move you out of the way?! Words fail me though I was also agog at recent reports of visually impaired people being refused entry with a guidedog. I thought everyone knew that guidedogs are allowed in places pet dogs are not. Has there been some form of collective amnesia in the last 10 20 years?

I'm sorry disabled people experience such poor treatment Sad

Mummyme1987 · 31/05/2016 13:48

Holidays that made me cry. I'm so glad my ranting post has helped you. We are stronger together. Now only if a paper (other than the daily fail) would pick this up and show the country what being disabled in 2016 is like.

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Mummyme1987 · 31/05/2016 13:49

I fear it's just not interesting enough.Angry.

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Mummyme1987 · 31/05/2016 13:51

Molly you made me snort my tea out of my nose with the brains of a mollusc comment!Grin

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LurkingHusband · 31/05/2016 14:21

"How disgusting fancy coming out with your children and your bloody drunk"

One of the reasons MrsLH chose to use a wheelchair (sadly no longer a choice) when she was first DXd with MS was because people assumed she was drunk (MS can make your gait unsteady and shaky).

burblish · 31/05/2016 14:40

I hope I didn't inadvertently offend with my earlier comment. For the avoidance of doubt, I wasn't suggesting that any particular insulting behaviour is more or less twattish than others. Rather, whilst I have sadly seen examples of, eg, ignorant failure to address a disabled person directly or poor access in buildings, it never even occurred to me that anyone might try to move someone's wheelchair. I'm outraged by all the shit that has been thrown at you all but that one left me utterly flabbergasted. Flowers Thank you for starting and contributing to this post. Nowhere near enough attention is drawn to these issues.

Mummyme1987 · 31/05/2016 15:39

I knew what you meant burblish x😊

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OnceThereWasThisGirlWho · 31/05/2016 16:19

Molly one person grabbed my chair, but I let him off as he genuinely thought I was out of control, when in fact I'd been looking forward all day to freewheeling down that massive slope

Grin
AcademicOwl · 31/05/2016 17:24

holidays made me tearful too! 💐

I've had periods of being (much!) less mobile due to severe spd whilst pregnant. Walking with a frame or being in a scooter seems to actively encourage people to skirt in front of you... Tricky when I'm on my feet, as I nearly fell several time; almost amusing on a scooter, because the stopping distance isn't great, so I nearly hit people in shopping centres!
And, yes, people think it's ok to say the most outrageous things. At 7months pregnant, in a mobility scooter, a server in a cafe insisted I should have the skinny latte that he'd mistakenly made me.. Having looked me up and down and pronounced that "it would be much better for you" with a sneer & wave of the hand. Overweight, yes. Also pregnant...
People being kind can also be frustrating; one colleague asked if I wanted sugar in my coffee and proceeded to add it and stir it in on the desk in front of me. I did gently point out it was my pelvis that wasn't working, not my hands...
[from that you can tell my life revolves around hot drinks!!! All decaf!]

Mummyme1987 · 31/05/2016 17:29

Owl it's like it's a game to them, let's get in the way. Unfortunately ramming them in a manual chair just hurts my feet.

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AcademicOwl · 31/05/2016 17:38

Oh. And as for hospitals, don't get me started! New build one near me, Physio dept is at least 600m from the door. Which is about a 10min walk (for normal ppl) from the car park. This equals agony of walking - and weirdly, people doing that whole 'look' of 'you're too young/pregnant to have a real problem'. What's that all about? Hmm
I'd make anyone planning a hospital walk around it for a day, with their legs bound at the knee and some kind of implement attached that hurts (not sure what, don't want to permanently damage them). So they got a feeling for what accessible in a medical setting really means. Oh. And Drs. I'd make them do it during med school too Grin

NameChangeMum456 · 31/05/2016 17:52

I usually grab a hospital wheelchair when they are available, so long as I have someone to push it for me.

boo2410 · 31/05/2016 18:09

Lurkinghusband I've had MS for about 11 years now and in the last month I've been told I'll never walk again. Being measured up tomorrow for an electric wheelchair so when that turns up I expect the reality will start sinking in because it hasn't yet. I am expecting to experience exactly the same as the OP and everybody else on here. I'm so fucking angry at the moment so God help anybody who ignores me when I get Chorlton (as in Chorlton and the Wheelies-) silly name I know but you've got to smile somewhere. Take care everyone.

JoInScotland · 31/05/2016 18:53

Can I just say that my first job was in a nursing home when I was 18, and over the years I worked at several others. Not everyone was elderly, there were plenty of MS folks in there, etc. So I learned early on to treat others with respect, whether they were elderly, in a wheelchair, had memory problems, and so on. I would NEVER treat someone the way you have been treated. I too think that the demonization of people on benefits has a lot to answer for. I think the idea of a photo essay of what a typical day in your life is like would be interesting, or a blog about what life from a typical wheelchair user looks like would be good.

Originalfoogirl · 31/05/2016 18:55

When people are ignorant and walk in front of Our girl's chair, I "accidentally" catch their heels with the wheels. They are always so embarrassed and apologise profusely 😄

Mummyme1987 · 31/05/2016 19:14

Some days I just can't face the onslaught. I am much more likely to send dh than go out these days. I feel safe at home.

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Janey50 · 31/05/2016 19:46

OMG holidays - I can't believe you have had to encounter this kind of shit. How awful. My heart goes out to you.Flowers