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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dh in hospital and loosing his temper with me constantly

51 replies

PiratePink · 25/05/2016 11:46

He's had complicated surgery for a long term condition and is in a lot of pain. Constant morphine going and it's still not hitting the spot.

He's basically immobile and unable to eat. So all things considered I understand he's not going to be at his best. I'm spending all the 6 hours of visiting time by his side and feel like I'm being constantly picked at, snapped at and told off by him.

He's a heavy smoker and is having to do without completely which doesn't help.

Yesterday after being once again snarled at (for refusing to wheel him out for a fag) I just left early and said I shouldn't be spoken to like this. He texted a sort of apology later on. Saying 'sorry you left on a bad note, grumpy old me'.

Given the circumstances should I just accept he's going to be a grumpy git or should I not put up with it?

OP posts:

VioletBam · 25/05/2016 11:50

Why wouldn't you wheel him out? It's his body...refusing to do that is cruel.

My sister smokes and after she had surgery, I wheeled her out! I don't agree with smoking but I'd never, ever not do what she asked in that way.

HeyMacWey · 25/05/2016 11:51

I'd just tell him that you know it's in pain and suffering with tobacco withdrawal etc but could he please try and curb his grumpiness.

Perhaps reduce the hours of visiting - 6 hours is an awful lot - perhaps he needs to rest more. Or does he have any other people who could visit to help share the load?

silverpenny · 25/05/2016 11:51

Surely a good time to quit smoking post major surgery?

Original poster

PiratePink · 25/05/2016 11:51

Because the nurses asked that he stay for the handover. I've wheeled him out before.

OP posts:

Lweji · 25/05/2016 11:52

Were his health problems caused by smoking?

I'd think wheeling him out to get some fresh air and a change of scenery would do him good anyway.
Had you done it already?

Lweji · 25/05/2016 11:53

Sorry, cross post.

Is he getting any sort of psychological support?

Original poster

PiratePink · 25/05/2016 11:55

It's him that wants me there. I'm exhausted by the end and just want to get home. No one else lives close enough to visit regularly but he's had other visitors.

OP posts:

juneau · 25/05/2016 11:55

I'd get him some nicotine patches and tell him to either stop being a grumpy bastard with me or I wouldn't be visiting any more. But I have no patience with people being arsey with me when I'm trying to do them a favour! None of this crap is your fault, so why are you accepting being his whipping boy? Perhaps he should be sorting out his addiction while in hospital, rather than blaming you for it?

EveryoneElsie · 25/05/2016 11:55

I'm so sorry to hear this. I'm afraid its absolutely normal behaviour for people stuck in hospital long term to take it out on their loved ones.
An old fashioned ward sister would have had a quiet chat with you and warned you what to expect.

Try to take him out for a couple of fags even if you dont approve. Or get him a vape machine.
Try to have a couple of jokes or comments ready to defuse the situation. I realise its tough but try to let his comments be water off a ducks back.
Also, take in a small item each visit. You need to take something home as well or he wont be able to move for bedside crap. Take in an item or photo to give him something to talk about or look at. He may well ridicule you or the item, let him.

Its shit being in hospital, he probably isnt being well fed or getting enough rest. He cant even get a up of tea when he wants one.
I do know its also tough for you - I've been in your shoes.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 25/05/2016 11:56

I'm sure some will say. In marriage you take the rough with the smooth. In sickness and in health and all that. However. It's not that easy. You're a human being. My dad's the same. A real PITA at times. And he's always in and out of hospital. Many times I've walked out. Ive had to before I've lost my temper.
Yes I do appreciate its hard for him. But It's certainly no walk in the park for you either

A1Sharon · 25/05/2016 11:56

YANBU!
My DS aged 9 was in hospital for a month recently, very unwell. I had so much sympathy, and empathy for him. Stayed with him every night and most of day. But the way he started speaking to me. i put it down to the illness, which it was,I suppose. But everyone has their limits.
He started talking to me like I was a piece of shit. I want allowed to touch him, hug him, stroke his head...but then all of a sudden he would turn on me, I didn't care if he was in agony, I was just sitting there!
I wasn't allowed to go and get food for myself, he didn't want to be alone, but I was ordered to go and get things for him-and be quick!
This went on for days until I snapped. I told him I had had enough, just because he was ill he couldn't talk to me like that. He didn't speak to DH or anyone else like that, so he could help it if he wanted to. I really gave him both barrels tbh.
It worked. he rediscovered the words please and thank you, and if he did snap at me at times after that, apologised quickly afterwards-and meant it.
Tell him to stop or you won't come in anymore.

fuffapster · 25/05/2016 11:56

Can't he have nicotine patches, or gum? Nicotine withdrawal often causes irritation.

A1Sharon · 25/05/2016 11:57

Oops, should have proof read that.

Original poster

PiratePink · 25/05/2016 11:58

Not caused by smoking but exacerbated by it. He needs to give up but he needs to want to.
He's not the sort of bloke to go in for psychological support unfortunately.

OP posts:

VulcanWoman · 25/05/2016 11:58

You shouldn't have to put up with that, I'd cut the visiting time if he can't be civil, as soon as he starts just leave. My mum has been in hospital and in pain many time, she doesn't carry on like that.

VulcanWoman · 25/05/2016 12:01

Don't forget to look after yourself too.

Original poster

PiratePink · 25/05/2016 12:02

He's got nicotine patches already. I love the idea of having a little something to take in every day.

OP posts:

Graceymac · 25/05/2016 12:04

Could you get him prescribed a nicotine inhaler for now. I am a nurse and it seems to be most appealing to pre giving up as it is used and held in same way as a cigarette plus you can still smoke with it without risk of nicotine overdose.

Original poster

PiratePink · 25/05/2016 12:05

Sharon that sounds tough. Yes, dh has managed to reign it in for other visitors. It's just me that gets it.

OP posts:

Original poster

PiratePink · 25/05/2016 12:06

Ooh, never heard of nicotine inhaler. I'll ask his nurse later.

OP posts:

VioletBam · 25/05/2016 12:11

Nicotine inhalers are gross if you smoke. I understand if he couldn;t go out that time due to handover OP. But if he wants to go out when you visit ordinarily, you really need to take him. It's very upsetting to have someone else control you.

Kittyrobin · 25/05/2016 12:12

Hmmm, I've been through similar. I said to my dh, look I'm not going to stop being here for you but you are treating me like shit.
I felt like my dh was pushing me, I wanted him to know how he was treating me was wrong but also that I wasn't going to stop caring for him.
Could you buy a decent vape for him.

HermioneJeanGranger · 25/05/2016 12:14

Tell him to pack it in. He might be in pain and uncomfortable and fed up, but he has no right to treat you so badly.

He's an adult, he can control it. He just needs to pull himself together.

Dailymailbastards · 25/05/2016 12:24

I can't comment on the smoking but can understand the bad temper due to pain. It's awful and you feel that the pain will never end, however it's not fair that you are there for hours every day. You need time to yourself.

Can you download films or box sets to a tablet for him to watch with a set of decent headphones or audio books?

ElspethFlashman · 25/05/2016 12:25

6 hrs is too much. If he won't "let" you leave, then I would have a word with the sister. Tell her he's treating you like a punching bag and you can't keep visiting for that long.

Hospital wards prefer visitors to have short visits. Usually 2 hrs max. They make exceptions of course but are not keen. Patients don't rest whilst visitors are in and tend to get very worked up/cranky.

So you could request that she politely reiterate their visiting hours to him, and thereafter you could just "comply" with the rules and get the Hell out after 2 hrs max.

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