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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh in hospital and loosing his temper with me constantly

51 replies

PiratePink · 25/05/2016 11:46

He's had complicated surgery for a long term condition and is in a lot of pain. Constant morphine going and it's still not hitting the spot.

He's basically immobile and unable to eat. So all things considered I understand he's not going to be at his best. I'm spending all the 6 hours of visiting time by his side and feel like I'm being constantly picked at, snapped at and told off by him.

He's a heavy smoker and is having to do without completely which doesn't help.

Yesterday after being once again snarled at (for refusing to wheel him out for a fag) I just left early and said I shouldn't be spoken to like this. He texted a sort of apology later on. Saying 'sorry you left on a bad note, grumpy old me'.

Given the circumstances should I just accept he's going to be a grumpy git or should I not put up with it?

OP posts:
Original poster
PiratePink · 25/05/2016 12:29

He's got a fully charged iPad and headphones.
I've got to cut back the visiting hours now as our toddler is coming home (my sister's had him) and if anythings going to crank up the grumpy levels it's an excited toddler on a ward!

OP posts:
SpotOfWeather · 25/05/2016 12:29

6 hours is a very long time. Is it justified? Do you feel like you really need to be there for so long?

AyeAmarok · 25/05/2016 12:30

I wouldn't take him out to smoke Confused, this is the perfect time for him to quit and help his health. Especially as part of the reason he's in there is because he's a smoker. If he has nicotine patches then there's no excuse.

And if he started to have an attitude with me when I was going out of my way to spend 6 hours a day with him then the second he started I'd be up and go straight home.

Of he's not doin it to other people, he shouldn't be doing it to you.

PigletJohn · 25/05/2016 12:33

It's possible the morphine is affecting his behaviour.

It seems to me it can make people inconsiderate or unaware.

I have no sympathy with smokers but they can get more unpleasant than usual when withdrawing.

EveryoneElsie · 25/05/2016 12:33

Please buy him Alan Cars book Easiway to Quit Smoking and wait til he leaves hospital.
It is a non smokers opinion that its the 'perfect time' for him to quit. In reality, no its not.

www.amazon.co.uk/Allen-Carrs-Easy-Stop-Smoking/dp/014103940X/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1464176019&sr=8-3&keywords=stop+smoking+with+allen+carr

Original poster
PiratePink · 25/05/2016 12:36

spot he wants me there the whole time. If I'm late he'll have a go. If I try to leave a minute before 8 pm he'll have a go / sulk. I think hes just really bored and I'm a good distraction.

ayeI'm not a fan of the smoking and helping him out to do it but it'd cause more stress not to and as other posters said it'd be mean not to.

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 25/05/2016 12:39

If he'll have a fucking go regardless then you've nothing to lose.

HazelBite · 25/05/2016 12:40

My Dsis was an absolute cow to me, and her DH and kids when she was in hospital recently, she was also vile to the staff.
She really was not herself and we cut short the visits.

VulcanWoman · 25/05/2016 12:50

It's possible the morphine is affecting his behaviour.
My mum and aunty acted odd but not aggressive, I suppose every ones different though.

LaBelleOtero · 25/05/2016 12:53

Six hours is too much. I'd cut it back straight away, using the valid reason that he needs to rest. Two hours is plenty to bring him anything he needs, check he's comfortable and speak with the staff if you need to.

VioletBam · 25/05/2016 13:04

Amarok you obviously have no idea about how people give up smoking successfully.

Having the person they're meant to trust, refuse to take them when they can't walk is NOT the way.

You (or rather OP) deciding "Oh now is the perfect time to give up" FOR the poor man is NOT ok!

OP refusing is awful. He will just start again when he can walk.

queenMab99 · 25/05/2016 13:08

My husband was completely batshit after having surgery , being on morphine, and not smoking. Not just grumpy and unreasonable but a completely unregognisable egotistical, domineering, character. I kept apologising to other patients, nursing staff, etc. for his high handed behaviour, and explaining that he was not usually like this. One specialist nurse advised me to report his behaviour to a Dr. as it was beyond the usual confusion due to medication etc. I did this and they brought in a psychiatrist, he liked her and was very amenable, but he was angry that I 'tried to get him sectioned'.
After ten days in hospital, he came home and gradually returned to normal, he also never smoked again, which was a big bonus for me!
I think the morphine and other medication, combined with the stress of the situation just had a strong effect on him. I just had to weather the storm, but it was awful while it lasted.

Original poster
PiratePink · 25/05/2016 13:14

violetbam I am taking him out as I explained in my post to amarok. I don't like it but I'm doing it. I've said twice on this thread now that I'm taking him out apart from that one time at handover.

OP posts:
abbsismyhero · 25/05/2016 13:14

violet the op does take him out she just couldn't at that moment as he was asked to stay for handover it wasn't her fault

Jitterybug · 25/05/2016 13:47

Definitely cut short the visiting; you deserve a medal for doing 6hr stints, I was itching to go after an hour Smile. Just say sorry but I haven't come here to be your verbal punch bag, if you can't be more pleasant then I won't be staying very long.

VagueIdeas · 25/05/2016 14:12

Six hours really is far far too long. You must have nothing to talk to him about for that length of time every day! That boredom and resentment between both of you can only be making things worse.

Chasingsquirrels · 25/05/2016 14:20

I've just brought DP home today after being in hospital for 13 days.
Visiting hours were 8am-12 noon & 3pm-9pm. I've been there from around 9.30am most days and stayed within that time frame. Some days I haven't left the ward at midday either. Last Friday he was having a procedure and I was there from 7.45am - 4pm then 6.30pm - 9.30pm.
It's fucking exhausting, and my DP is a total sweetheart and despite just having received a terminal diagnosis followed by his stomach entrance completely closing up leaving him unable in take in any food or fluids and being in pain has remained so.
I honestly don't know how I'd have coped if he'd treated me like your DH is.
I hope he gets better soon, that you get him home and that this is just a temporary hospital stay related situation.
xx

Original poster
PiratePink · 25/05/2016 16:10

chasingsquirrels Flowers. Life sounds so tough for you and your family. It's exhausting isn't it.

I've taken the advice to cut down on visiting hours and only going in now. If he gets arsey about it I'll just be nice but firm and won't let it affect me

OP posts:
Thinnestofthinice · 25/05/2016 16:50

I did this to my mum when I was in hospital at 15- no idea why really except she was the person closest to me. I am really ashamed and embarrassed about it now! Being in hospital is horrible but tell it to him straight that he can't upset you that way- it would have worked with me. Sorry to hear about your bad time.

Stratter5 · 25/05/2016 17:33

For the sake of everyone else on his ward/bay, 6 hours is waaaaay too long. I HATE visitors, they are loud, intrusive, and I can't sleep or rest whilst they are there.

Please keep it to two one hour slots, and tell him to do one.

shovetheholly · 25/05/2016 17:39

Gosh, you sound amazing! That's a lot of visiting, and a lot of putting-up-and-shutting-up.

Being in constant pain so bad that even morphine isn't really working is hell, though. It would make a saint snappy and an ordinary mortal unendurably grumpy and selfish. I'm sure he doesn't mean to be as awful as he's being.

I just wanted to second what PPs have said in terms of you needing time for yourself. And I don't mean time for the washing machine, the toddler, your relatives and friends - I mean for YOU! If you don't look after yourself, who will there be to take care of everyone else? It's not selfish to do it, it's absolutely brutally necessary to get through a tough time like this.

I am sending you Flowers and Wine. I hope things get better really soon. Hang in there!

ratspeaker · 25/05/2016 17:43

Try getting him some of these. DH gets them in Tesco or Asda
www.nicorette.co.uk/products/inhalator?utm_medium=cpc&utm_source=google&utm_term=nicorette-inhalator&utm_content=text&utm_campaign=mec---brand---product---inhalator-(e)&gclid=CMOPoJPV9cwCFSsz0wodAgQE6w

They mimic the hand to mouth use of a cigarette whilst giving a nicotine hit. They also dont produce vapour so can be used indoors and even on airlines.

wannabestressfree · 25/05/2016 17:45

Last time I had major bowel surgery my heart kept stopping and the doctor from intensive care came to assess me. My partner said I was unrecognisable as I was in so much pain and I ranted and attempted to leave the bed and the ward. Morphine in large doses can have side effects.
Instead of being nasty I seem to have settled for over emotional and panic stricken on codeine instead. The pain is relatively well.controlled though..
As someone who spends a lot of time in hospital six hours is way too much and he is being very unreasonable expecting you to be there that long. He should be resting. Little and often is better.

Chasingsquirrels · 25/05/2016 19:35

Hope visiting was OK this evening Pirate.
xx

Original poster
PiratePink · 25/05/2016 21:30

It was a bit better and I only stayed for about 3 hours till he'd had enough of ds's shenanigans (he's only 2) and said he was stressing him out. Glad to be home now Smile

OP posts:
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