To be surprised that foetal gender stereotyping is a thing?

[MrsPickwick]

Or maybe I’m just naive. DH and I are expecting a baby boy in September. When we found out he was a boy, we thought a plus was that we wouldn’t have to be constantly combating all the lazy sexism we that is directed at girls from every angle. With boys, the stereotyping is still very much there of course, but we somehow thought of it as more benign and easier to bat away.

But it’s already starting to grate on us, and our baby hasn’t even seen the outside of my uterus yet. Example: my mother asked about his movements and I commented that he’s more active after I’ve eaten, to which she replied ‘he’s a typical boy – loves his food’. (So I suppose a female foetus would naturally demur from exhibiting biological responses to the stimulus of calories being transferred to her through her umbilical cord ). There have also been comments about how he 'can't wait to get on the football pitch' and so on, though maybe she’d say that about a girl too (though I doubt it). The in-laws are equally guilty of comments like this – boys are like this, girls are like that etc (I keep having to remind myself that they’re talking about foetuses and newborns).

Similarly, a friend of mine who has been having trouble breastfeeding her newborn was told by her health visitor that the reason she’s struggling is because her baby is a boy and therefore ‘lazy’. I’ve heard of cases where reduced foetal movement has been put down to the foetus being a ‘lazy boy’ too.

AIBU to find it irritating? I know the comments on their own are silly and harmless, but there’s a drip-drip effect going on. Already certain expectations of him are shifting into position.

WIBU to just direct my mother and in laws to Delusions of Gender and related material, or would that seem uppity / precious / hectoring? Both DH and I have called out these attitudes before, many times, but it never seems to get through.

Also, please share any examples of similar, it would help to know it’s not just us

YANBU, in my opinion. And gender stereotyping isn't harmless. It's massively problematic for all kinds of obvious reasons that effect people's lives as they grow up. (i'm sure I don't need to list them all!)

However, dealing with it from family, is tiring and I'd say just pick your battles, mainly because it doesn't win anyone over. I did once buy a family member 'Delusions of Gender' by Cordilia Fine, and they loved it!

I tend to go with the 'Don't think of an elephant' theory. Instead of 'correcting' people or getting annoyed (and then often accidentally repeating and reinforcing their stereotypes) counteract it with different ways of talking to and relating to children.

For instance my fave game when my Dad says 'Oh, she'll be fighting the boys off soon,' about my daughter is to say 'Or the girls.' And smile. And then making sure you just get into the habit of not reinforcing stereotypes to other children - there's a whole heap of info out there on how to talk to kids without doing the whole 'you look pretty/you're so boisterous stuff! GOOD LUCK :-)

the main one I got was "big boy", and she was actually right given he was 9.5LBs!!!!

You're overthinking it. Just enjoy the pregnancy.

People will always stereotype it's engrained in many. However my 2 pregnancies are completely different (33 weeks with ds2) ds1 was incredibly quiet and few movements. When he was born at 37 weeks he slept all the time and had jaundice and was teeny at 5lbs 7. At 3 months old the sleeping stopped and was a nightmare sleeping until 14 months. He's a very boisterous child however even compared to other boys the exact same age. Being a boy has nothing to do with it he's full on regardless of his gender. My current pregnancy is totally different he's active and awake pretty much all day he proper bashes himself around my uterus so I'm not sure what to expect when he comes out hopefully less jaundice than b4 and a bit bigger but totally different boy boys

I personally am fully signed on for a lifetime of challenging gender steroetyping aimed at my son, and so is my husband. If you want it to be different that's what you need to do.

(and I don't think you're at all U to find it offensive, OP. i also agree with whoever said that this can be even more of an issue with boys, as it often goes completely unchallenged.)

I think that you are just over reacting to harmless excited grannies making conversation.
i think we forget that our parents are a different generation ( whatever age posters are everyones parents are a different generation ) and probably grew up when such comments were the norm . I really could not get my knickers in a knot over it. Its really not that important. When your ds is born and wants to play with a doll and you dm or dmil takes it off him saying ' boys do not have dolls' thats the time to have a conversation about gender stereo typing, but a few comments during a pregnancy...relax it wont harm him but you saying something might harm your relationship with dm and dmil.

I'd be tempted to mess with their minds. Every time they came up with the "typical lazy boy" or "he wants to get out on the football pitch" type of comment I'd be saying "Oh, haven't you heard, they decided they made a mistake on the scans and actually it's a girl." Then once they've got that into their heads and start talking about "Typical girl, dancing around" and how she can't wait to get to ballet class, do the reverse. Preferably, tell different friends and relatives different things so if they get together they'll be even more confused.

I agree that the stereotyping of boys is harder to combat, because of course traditionally male pursuits are higher status. So it's fine for a girl to be encouraged to climb or play sport, but it's a bit suspect to encourage a boy to play with dolls. I mean, he has the advantage of being born male and therefore an inbuilt capacity for these male activities so why drag him down to the level of a girl?

YANBU. A (supposedly feminist ) friend once sent me an Internet quiz she'd done in a 'light-hearted' attempt to identify whether her foetus was male or female...

I know exactly what you mean and it massively annoys me as well! I'm due to have my little girl today and for the whole pregnancy since we've found out she's a girl, people have been making "sexist" (not actually sexist, just stupid throwaway) comments. I know it's ingrained into us as a society at an early age and people just don't think, but it's really annoyed me when people make ridiculous comments and hope they don't say them to my daughter when she's born! Both myself and my husband are really into restoring cars, and as soon as people hear we're having a girl - the amount of times I've heard "Oh, you'll have to try for a boy next time so he can pass his car knowledge on" My husband was doing it for a while too, saying "I bet she'll be good at baking like you" I assured him she'll be good at whatever she wants to do, whether it's baking, car maintenance, football, DIY or stacking bloody shelves...

Now when people ask/mention whether something is suitable for a girl, I've started replying with "Unless she's operating it with her genitals, I'm sure it'll be fine for a girl OR a boy". The look on people's face's is priceless

I also picked up a really cute little band t-shirt at a carboot sale the other day and the girl selling it heard me say to my husband "She'll love this" to which she replied "Erm, it's for a boy"... WHAT!? It's a god damn t-shirt...

YABU to be surprised...look around you - people are only too keen to define what a person should or should not do based on their sex, why should a little thing like still gestating stop them?
I think it would be much better if people didn't find out the sex of their babies in pregnancy, at least you'd have 9 months free of this nonsense.

YANBU. It's ridiculous and unnecessary. I'm not sure I'd distribute reading material but I would make it clear that it's not appreciated, otherwise it will just continue.

Sadly it does get worse once they're born and it's not a giant leap from casual gender stereotyping to the casual sexualisation of children. My biggest peeve is when baby boys who breastfeed well are described as "boob loving, just like Daddy" (snort chortle snort). It's also shocked me that most "girl shorts" for my 2yo DD are the length of hot pants, whereas "boy shorts" tend to be around knee length.

Sadly it's so prevalent and very damaging. It drives me insane. I have a DS and a DD who do not conform to gender stereotypes as that's the way they are: so I see it every, as where as do my DC. They so often don't want what society tries to make them want and do but they are very aware of it and have been since about age 2.
They still however talk about certain colours and toys being for boys or girls generally. My DD hates pink and princesses so asks for 'boy stuff' - ie superheroes and football. At 3 and 4 she 'knew' that shops thought she should have the pink stuff and she was not a 'normal' girl. She didn't identify as being a girl in that sense for a long while. Only later did she get it clear in her head that girls can like anything with much telling her that by me.
The scary thing is that she didn't get that from nursery and they don't watch that much TV.... It's people around them and comments made

YANBU at all. It drives me nuts, and it's one of the reasons we decided not to tell anyone the baby's sex until it was born.

Delusions of Gender is great, but it might be easier to spring The Gender Police on reluctant parents/PILs as a "oh I found this book in children really interesting and thought you might like it"

OP, I warn you the gender stereotyping doesn't go away either :(
It can be very negative for boys. E.g. lack of concentration = typical boy; running and climbing = typical boy, spilling stuff = typical boy.

How about (too late for you now) but not finding out the sex of the baby!
I have four children, a boy 16, and three girls 12,8,3.
I didnt find out the sex of any of them.
Whats the point - you can't change it.
All this "i need to buy correct colour clothes" "decorate the nursery" "Buy a pram" nonsense, is just that - nonsense.
A new baby needs milk, nappies and some babygrows - i bought a weeks worth of white for all mine, and a "generic" pram - i.e. black or grey.
No stereotyping the pregnancy then, baby is simply just baby.
And FYI - IMO - boys are lazier than girls :-)

It is weird - but the gender is pretty much the only thing they know about your foetus, so it's the only thing they have to try and relate to and/or peg potential character traits onto. Similarly with newborns - they don't really have much of a personality so people try and 'create' a personality for them based on really banal facts or behaviour.

I don't know what the answer is in discouraging gender stereotyping - my hunch would be that if you directed them to the reading mate retail you mentioned you'll be labelled as being a bit precious about it all. Plus as others have said, there really is no escaping it coming from all angles.

My son is 5 and I have chosen to let people say what they like but ds knows his choices will be accepted by me whatever they are without comment. He is not a stereotypical boy, never has been and I have spent the last 5 years facing never ending criticism about it, even if most of it is light hearted.

People have issues with the fact he dances around everywhere, wants to do ballet, is very much a 'little old man' (he doesn't like a lot of noise, rides/a lot of slides are out the question as he proclaims them too dangerous etc), and he is very sensitive.

His dad and that side of the family have a real issue with it (once ds was with me at a friends who had a dd similar age and they came to show us he'd dressed up in her Cinderella outfit - I put the picture on Fb because both of them looked unbelievably cute and it was funny plus they were 3 for heavens sake, and the reaction was ridiculous). I get told all the time that I need to man him up, that he's going to be gay if I don't 'do something about it' etc etc. Son has had some of these comments to his face when he stays with his dad BUT

It is not inevitable that these views affect your child. You combat them however you choose, some people just ignore it, I do what someone else said up thread where I'll just smile and say something short but to the point, such as "you say he'll be gay as if that's an awful thing. I'm raising him to be happy and confident, his sexuality is really neither here nor there" and it really does shut it down.

If ds comes to me with concerns about what people have said I discuss with him that there will always be people who are closed minded (sp?? Close minded?? I don't know but you get my drift) and that the best thing you can do is just ignore them and do what makes you happy. Which he continues to do and he's happy doing it.

You've got a long road of this ahead, I think you have to find a way to relax about it somewhat otherwise it will drive you insane! Congratulations on your pregnancy though

Stereotyping harms both genders...
I have 2 brothers (13 and 15 years younger than I am) and a sister (10 years younger).

Anyhow, some years ago (mabe 6 years) my youngest brother (around 5) was like: "And when I do this, what am I?" And was spreading & waving his arms and legs in a way that made sitting next to him in the car nearly impossible, and was giggling etc.
I said: "Well, little brothers that do this are annyoing boys and give their sisters the right to tickle them".
My other brother looked at me with his huge eyes and asked: "And if it was a girl doing this?".

I answered that it didn't matter and that they'd still be annyoing. He was visible relieved.

Just a little anecdote (I have maany more from all my sibblings relating to stereotyping and how my DSis has always actively fought against it...), and it really showed me once again how much boys and girls get stereotyped (and caused me to remember how often it happened to me).
So, in my experience it's still very much a thing.

gender is pretty much the only thing you know about your foetus

No, it isn't. You know the sex of your foetus (probably). But you have no idea of its personality.

Tbf boys are lazy! I've got 2. My friends with girls hit milestones early my boys not a chance! They also constantly eat. Boys are harder work when they're small but sod having teenage girls!

Cake good for you, he is lucky to have you to combat what sounds like some nasty prejudice from his dad's side. Man him up about a 5 year old - wow.

YANBU OP

you are not over thinking it. I have two boys but didn't find out the sex with either of them - drove people bonkers (ie my mother )

It is insidious. And damaging.
DS1 is incredibly badly behaved at times, and many many people say to me, 'oh, he's just such a boy'. As if being a boy is an excuse not behave himself!

I have been asked many times (by strangers) if DC2 is a boy or girl, so I feel like I'm dressing him successfully

mrsc what utter bollocks. Perhaps you know a boy who is lazy.
My two certainly aren't.