For seething that we are the only ones ever asked to help elderly parents?

[Roonerspism]

I'm increasingly cross about something but have no idea if I'm being selfish. Go gently, please...

Parents in law live a 2 hour round trip away and both chronically unwell. Constant medical appointments and procedures and investigations. I get on well with my MIL. FIL is a rather unpleasant, controlling man who treats women like cretinous idiots (hence the reason for the following I think)...

We have four young kids and DH's sister has one.

I have just received the following call from MIL "Jonathan (who is FIL) will either come out of hospital on Friday or Saturday so [RoonerDH] should be there 2000 on Friday or Saturday afternoon. We will let you know on Friday morning". Never a request. Or to see if it suits. A simple demand.

This call happens a lot. We might have a few weeks off then it starts again. The hospital is 70 miles from us so the whole pick up for DH takes 4 hours. Sometimes it's two/three times a week. If FIL is in hospital them it's daily visits.

There is free hospital transport provided but FIL refuses it as he says it takes too long. MIL can't drive.

Im utterly worn out by this. Every time, I have to cancel things, beg friends to help take one of my kids to something (because of a clash), we miss family time, cancel arrangements. DH had to miss DD's dance show two weeks ago and we were both shouted at as he was 1/2 hour late. We both work, are exhausted and have no family support as it is.

DH's sister drives too, and has never been asked to assist nor does she offer. She has a willing DH and only one child. She is currently on mat leave.

I'm increasingly seething that she can't take turns on this.

I have no family support nearby. I phoned FIL and said we were struggling for Saturday due to a clash. He said we would have to do Friday night.

DH has forbidden me from either asking his sister or suggesting it as he doesn't like conflict.

I'm fucking fed up of the whole lot of them!

Is this unreasonable? Normal? It might help if I liked FIL but he is a PITA. As I like MIL so much I try to put up but there is no end in sight.

My marriage is already rocky due to us struggling as it is with work/kids and we have absolutely zero time together. In a bad week he is doing this three times whilst SIL goes out for dinner and posts reviews on Facebook.

Some good suggestions above about working out what needs to be done to help the parents-in-law

They need to start by helping themselves.

If they're living a long distance both from their potential support and from the hospital, they need to move to be closer to one or both. If they refuse to, then that's their problem.

Nannybeach, there's a list of abbreviations under Mumsnet Stuff.

They need to start by helping themselves

Surely taking the lead and setting expectations is helping themselves? No one is suggesting OPs family actually takes on anymore as a result of this, everyone is universally agreed the outcome should be that they do less.

they need to move to be closer to one or both

Actually in reality, this would be the worst possible outcome. Whatever you do OP do not encroached this unless it's absolutely necessary. They would be moving with the sole expectation that the closest DC would be there to do everything for them, away from any network they may have built locally, they would depend on the nearest DC for everything (including company).

At least with the benefit of distance they're not on your doorstep (since it sounds like in this situation that isn't what OPs family would want... Lovely when it does work however) and you always have the distance as a reason for saying no instead of getting personal.

You def have a DH problem rather than a SIL problem. My parents are chronically unwell, and live 78 miles away. Dad would love it if I ferried them around, but apart from emergencies, and if mum has to go to the big hospital (she has dementia, and can't walk far, dad needs a wheelchair too and so can't push her through huge hospital) I don't do it as I have enough on my plate with work and my own family. Instead he uses the volunteer car service for routine appointments of which he has many as you just pay petrol cost rather than taxi fares, or hospital transport to come back from an admission.
He wasn't keen on this, or on accepting the care they need generally, but wasn't given a choice by me (my brother doesn't do anything for them) in the matter.
If your DH doesn't stand up to them, it will get worse and worse with things they 'need' him to do.

I agree with beenaroundawhile. Your DH has to initiate some changes otherwise this could carry on for years and it will get worse and worse. Maybe worth getting in touch with ILs' local social services or GP practice to see if help is available. And I really don't think that you should be giving up your time for this. I would be extremely resentful if I were in your place. Good luck

Is DH likely to get the 'bad son' vibes from FiL if he fails to prove constantly that he does what FiL expects? Or is he worried about his mum getting the fallout if he provokes FiL? It sounds like there's something in this area that he dreads a lot more than missing the dcs' events, driving all hours or falling out with you, the dread is so bad that those other costs are currently to him the lesser problem to handle.

We had this to an extend with my GF when he was reaching the point of no longer being able to cope alone at home and sat down with him to say gently but firmly, "we can't do this any more". Not the several times a week appointments many of which were long drives away, not the coming out to help him have a bath/ sort out a problem/ manage a fall which was becoming a nightly expectation. We loved him to bits but we all worked, the needs were steadily increasing and he was rigidly refusing to look for help anywhere other than us. We had to state clearly that we couldn't keep up with this any longer and we needed to look now at other ways to get him what he needed. Carers visiting. Hospital transport. Or looking at living in a place where he had more support. An advisor - I think from Help the Aged - dropped in to talk to him with one of us there for moral support, about the options he had for HIS independence. And then he made his choices, and things got calmer. We'd still always go for emergencies but we had been sliding into doing day to day care and that was his expectation.

He wasn't a difficult man at all (I know that's not your situation!) but in his case he'd seen his grandparents be cared for by his parents, he'd looked after one of his PiL in his home until the end, it was the way of things - except in the time he was remembering, they all lived within a few minutes walk of each other and every household had at least one full time stay at home adult, all the services were local with many home visiting and there were plenty of people other than the breadwinner to help. Times are very different now, there wasn't one stay at home person in the entire family!

except in the time he was remembering, they all lived within a few minutes walk of each other and every household had at least one full time stay at home adult

And, more to the point, few people lived beyond 75, and few lived long enough to develop serious dementia; they had died of lung disease, heart conditions or just plain old age by then, and a stroke or pneumonia were pretty much sure kills.

It's one thing to have expectations that daughters children aged perhaps 45 or 50 look after their 75 year old parents who are relatively robust and then die rapidly. There's all sorts of reasons to decry that, but in its own terms it is at least workable. What we're now talking about is the potential for 90 year old parents with advanced dementia being looked after by their 65 year old children at the end of 20 years old progressively declining health. That's an entirely different situation.

Perhaps, as part of the solution, write down times.
How much time does your DH spend at work and commuting to/from work, weekly.
How much time has he spent running to his DPs, on taxi duty or other reasons (and split out taxi v helping in the home). Include the times as:
"I spent X amount of time physically with you, but left work at y time and got home at Z time".

How much time has he spent at home doing his own household/family chores (eating, helping cleaning, DIY etc, parenting - e.g. helping with homework, bedtimes etc)
How much time has he spent "at home" (wherever that may be) having some relaxation time alone/with you/DCs - even just to watch tv or play football with the DCs.
How much sleep is he missing out on?!
Perhaps also try to pin down how many times he has missed bedtimes, important events for DCs or you, that you have had to change arrangements/appointments/miss events, or cancel social arrangements (I would try to look at necessary events separately to social ones - to make the point).

Just to try and show up the imbalance of it.

Pie charts can be great to illustrate!

He can then ask his DPs if they think it's fair.
He should also think about whether the situation is the same or different to his own childhood (particularly in relation to his DCs experience). Not that he should be under pressure to do so much, but as a way of pointing to whether they themselves had to do the same for their DPs in turn and are now just expecting a return of the same. Which may mean approaching it in a different way - not that it shouldn't be approached.

He can then ask his DPs if they think it's fair.

It doesn't sound like they'll give a shit, though.

Pie charts can be great to illustrate!
if someone presented me with a pie chart of my life I would definitely sit up and take notice:o

Time for strategic sickness. As of now you have some sort of back pain which means you can't drive for more than short journeys. No argument, no explanation. What a pity. It might mean your husband lifting and carrying for you for a bit. It means you certainly can't do anything till you see the doctor, and surprise...he recommends no long drives for a few months.

That is your no. You can't do it. Leave it to the rest of them to sort out how it works.

I agree with pps. You will need to draw boundaires at some point so why not now.

And join us on the elderly parents board. It's a long haul and it may be the most supportive board on MN.

or some existing low level health issue that you can amplify and resurrect

if someone presented me with a pie chart of my life

The single greatest article ever written on powerpoint:

www.newyorker.com/magazine/2001/05/28/absolute-powerpoint