For seething that we are the only ones ever asked to help elderly parents?

[Roonerspism]

I'm increasingly cross about something but have no idea if I'm being selfish. Go gently, please...

Parents in law live a 2 hour round trip away and both chronically unwell. Constant medical appointments and procedures and investigations. I get on well with my MIL. FIL is a rather unpleasant, controlling man who treats women like cretinous idiots (hence the reason for the following I think)...

We have four young kids and DH's sister has one.

I have just received the following call from MIL "Jonathan (who is FIL) will either come out of hospital on Friday or Saturday so [RoonerDH] should be there 2000 on Friday or Saturday afternoon. We will let you know on Friday morning". Never a request. Or to see if it suits. A simple demand.

This call happens a lot. We might have a few weeks off then it starts again. The hospital is 70 miles from us so the whole pick up for DH takes 4 hours. Sometimes it's two/three times a week. If FIL is in hospital them it's daily visits.

There is free hospital transport provided but FIL refuses it as he says it takes too long. MIL can't drive.

Im utterly worn out by this. Every time, I have to cancel things, beg friends to help take one of my kids to something (because of a clash), we miss family time, cancel arrangements. DH had to miss DD's dance show two weeks ago and we were both shouted at as he was 1/2 hour late. We both work, are exhausted and have no family support as it is.

DH's sister drives too, and has never been asked to assist nor does she offer. She has a willing DH and only one child. She is currently on mat leave.

I'm increasingly seething that she can't take turns on this.

I have no family support nearby. I phoned FIL and said we were struggling for Saturday due to a clash. He said we would have to do Friday night.

DH has forbidden me from either asking his sister or suggesting it as he doesn't like conflict.

I'm fucking fed up of the whole lot of them!

Is this unreasonable? Normal? It might help if I liked FIL but he is a PITA. As I like MIL so much I try to put up but there is no end in sight.

My marriage is already rocky due to us struggling as it is with work/kids and we have absolutely zero time together. In a bad week he is doing this three times whilst SIL goes out for dinner and posts reviews on Facebook.

[blitheringbuzzards1234]

This is horrible for both of you. You know what they say, "the willing workhorse is always asked to take on more, but the lazy* man is never asked". You and DH are the polite and willing ones but others aren't asked to put themselves out and that's not right. None of us mind helping but your help is disproportionate and is wrecking your own home life. You must find a way of taking it in turns, hospital transport, etc. What does it matter if it goes to various villages? He's not going anywhere else, is he?
*I'm not saying SIL is lazy by the way.

[BarbaraofSeville]

What is the reason for not asking SIL? She lives closer, has fewer DCs, doesnt't currently work and this is the sort of thing that usually disproportionately falls on women, not that that is fair either.

Why can't they take turns - that would be fairest all round. Nothing you have said suggests that she can't do it, apart from maybe being main parent for baby, but that wouldn't necessarily stop her anyway.

[TheNaze73]

Your DH needs to police this. It's so wrong

[derxa]

I have no words

[kitkat1968]

I have a very similar situation to your DH.My parents are elderly and my dad has multiplke serious health issues.I would be pretty fucked off with a selfish partner who tried to ban me from helping out my sick parents. He is the one doing the driving.You are young and healthy , the 2 of you have the rest of your lives together.
Surely you are not so selfish you can't spare your DH for a few hours some weekends.
When you are old , frail and feeling dreadfully ill, I hope you will be happy to bounce along for hours in a minibus stopping at every lamp post.

[diddl]

My dad has just had to accept that he uses the transport available when necessary.

He accepts that it'll probably be a day gone for a 10 minute appointment & tries to look at it as a day out.

And as he says, what else would he be doing?

Sibling & I are both abroad & most neighbours busy at work.

[Bolograph]

What is the reason for not asking SIL?

Presumably if the OP is right and the FIL treats women as "cretinous idiots", then she might not be that interested in helping someone who holds her in contempt.

[HidingUnderARock]

I'm afraid I don't know the answer, but I do have some understanding of the situation, unfortunately.

I agree the problem here is DH, and he is being guilt tripped by a parent who may die soon. I am sure that gets mentioned. DH feels he is in an impossible position, and is taking the line that gives him less pain, or pain that is easier to put off.

I imagine if you asked SIL she would quite rightly refuse on the grounds that FIL should get the bus and stop being a demanding pita. That is why neither DH nor MIL bother to ask her.

DH doesn't want you to ask her because not only will she not take turns, she will probably also tell him he shouldn't be doing it either. He probably feels that having yet another less weak person tell him he is wrong (whatever he does) will make his head explode.

Likely the only thing that will change his mind is if it hurts him more to continue than to stop. That means you changing how you deal with the demands, and would put you into a very real battle of wills with FIL, who is probs meaner and more committed than you. Best case, you both lose...

See I did say I didn't know the answer

[diddl]

Tbh if I was an hr away, my dad wouldn't dream of asking me to take him to appointments-let alone assume/demand.

[Roonerspism]

Ha hiding that is exactly it all round. A pretty accurate summary! It actually made me laugh.

To be fair to SIL, she lives near us and I get on pretty well with her but she is naturally less giving... It wouldn't occur to her to offer.

kitkat I have to confess your post made me wince. This is why I have bitten my tongue so long. However, my real gripe is why two siblings can't take these things in turns.

cjt I know for a fact that DH would not be remotely sympathetic to me were roles reversed. This is a source of further irritation to me! Is whinges when I spend family time counselling my sibling who has issues right now.

Really appreciate all commend here. Really do.

I think I need to put my crumbling marriage first here.

[cjt110]

Rooner I wasn't being mean in what I said, just saying what if the roles were reversed. Perhaps give him a taste of his own medicine in that case.

[Roonerspism]

I know you weren't being mean - your comment was helpful.

[GoblinLittleOwl]

Sorry, but this sounds just like the situation with my father and his brother over their mother. Father supported her entirely and was at her beck and call all his life, brother came two or three times a year and did, and paid for, nothing. Cause of huge friction between my parents but my father was incapable of standing up to his mother, years and years of conditioning.
Then I married a man who was totally in thrall to his father, who sounds just like your FIL.
You could try talking to SIL but you will find that she has totally refused to do anything, and will stick to it, and you won't sway your husband. No helpful advice at all, sorry.

[derxa]

When I said 'I have no words' I mean I don't know what the solution is. You sound absolutely worn out. Is FIL able to pay for taxis?

[glassgarden]

To be fair to SIL, she lives near us and I get on pretty well with her but she is naturally less giving
can you watch what she does and emulate so that you are also 'naturally' less giving
sounds to me like she's found a strategy that works for her and she's sticking to it
you have as much right to look after number one as she does!

[glassgarden]

I think I need to put my crumbling marriage first here
put you first
why should you do the maintenance for your marriage?
indeed, how can you when husband is actively sabotaging it!

[Brainnotbrawn]

Ronner your DH is fine with conflict. He had no problem upsetting you. You need to ask him why? It sounds like classic fear and obligation stuff looking from approval from FIL.

I would personally put my foot down and say he needs to start setting reasonable boundaries not never do it but get a balance.

[nannybeach]

Been in a similar situation unfortunately, lasted 20 years, MIL, although I hd the most kids (4) worked the longest hours a week, all down to me. We have now cut all ties. My sons gave me a book by Wayne Dyer American guy, one chapter said if you are being bullied into doing stuff by relatives, its your own fault by allowing it. it was very difficult to say no, especially as originally my Hubby didnt back me up, I felt if he wanted to do the favours, it was his desision because they were his family, then it went too far, he realised what they were like, and told me to cut all ties with them. Wish I had done it years ago. it is very difficult to stand up to a bully when its a relative, I should have years ago, I dont really want to go into stuff that happened on here. One thing folks, I dont understand what a lot of the abreviaions stand for on this site so it makes readin the posts rather complicated!

[glassgarden]

DH has forbidden me from either asking his sister or suggesting it as he doesn't like conflict
rather than upset his sister (by asking her to do her share) he prefers to put an unfair burden on you
you're just the donkey here, the beast of burden, your needs are way down the list

[EweAreHere]

YANBU.

Your MIL and FIL and DH are being unreasonable.

Your DH's inability to say no or deal with conflict has repercussions for YOU and your children. If he can't step up and say no, as he should, he can't prevent you from doing so. You need to tell him your marriage is in jeopardy because of HIS decision not to speak up and tell his parents to get a grip and spread out their requests or sort it themselves.

[KnickerBockerGlooooory]

hmm this is familiar, although my FIL isn't quite such a PITA - however my DH is at his beck and call much of the time, and nothing I say really makes a difference - it seems he can't see past the fact his dad won't be here forever, although I do keep pointing out that his own DC are growing up fast and he should prioritise time with them more often... I understand, you are stuck between the devil and the deep blue sea but my FIL is only 10 mins down the road, so DH is often gone no more than an hour. A 4 hour round trip every time is really hard work. Could you manufacture a reason to invite SIL and BIL over one evening so you can sit an have a reasonable discussion about it? pps are right, your DH can't dismiss your concrens out of hand, it's not fair.

[TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams]

Just to gently point out that she's on mat leave not on holiday. She presumably would have to cart a small baby on a 4 hr round trip?

It's not your place to demand that her SIL and her husband do more [though morally you are quite correct in that they should, assuming no extenuating circumstances].

Given that your DH does not reciprocate in kind towards your own family then I would feel quite happy to simply say that we are not able to collect when I answered the phone. 2-3 times a week is untenable over that distance. While I accept KitKat's view, the hospital is presumably not 2hrs from FIL's home and transport would be provided if they did not have the means??

[HidingUnderARock]

Glad to have made you laugh at least :)

I like glassgarden's: suggestion can you watch what SIL does and emulate so that you are also 'naturally' less giving

[BarbarianMum]

What your SiL does or doesn't do is rather beside the point. The point is that you and your dh have to agree on what you can offer , then offer that and no more. They won't make him walk home if your dh isn't there.

[Cornishclio]

Seems the issue is with your DH and doing the hospital run on the odd occasion is reasonable but doing it up to 3 times a week when a round trip is 4 hours is most definitely too much given you have 4 kids and both work. Sharing it would be ideal but if SIL unwilling or unable to do it due to having young baby (difficult if BF if it takes hours) then compromise by FIL using hospital transport at least sometimes. It is usually a local car owner so won't take hours and stop frequently as rather unkindly put by Kitkat.

Seems your DH does not like to say no to FIL which may be to do with his bullying tendencies.