For seething that we are the only ones ever asked to help elderly parents?

[Roonerspism]

I'm increasingly cross about something but have no idea if I'm being selfish. Go gently, please...

Parents in law live a 2 hour round trip away and both chronically unwell. Constant medical appointments and procedures and investigations. I get on well with my MIL. FIL is a rather unpleasant, controlling man who treats women like cretinous idiots (hence the reason for the following I think)...

We have four young kids and DH's sister has one.

I have just received the following call from MIL "Jonathan (who is FIL) will either come out of hospital on Friday or Saturday so [RoonerDH] should be there 2000 on Friday or Saturday afternoon. We will let you know on Friday morning". Never a request. Or to see if it suits. A simple demand.

This call happens a lot. We might have a few weeks off then it starts again. The hospital is 70 miles from us so the whole pick up for DH takes 4 hours. Sometimes it's two/three times a week. If FIL is in hospital them it's daily visits.

There is free hospital transport provided but FIL refuses it as he says it takes too long. MIL can't drive.

Im utterly worn out by this. Every time, I have to cancel things, beg friends to help take one of my kids to something (because of a clash), we miss family time, cancel arrangements. DH had to miss DD's dance show two weeks ago and we were both shouted at as he was 1/2 hour late. We both work, are exhausted and have no family support as it is.

DH's sister drives too, and has never been asked to assist nor does she offer. She has a willing DH and only one child. She is currently on mat leave.

I'm increasingly seething that she can't take turns on this.

I have no family support nearby. I phoned FIL and said we were struggling for Saturday due to a clash. He said we would have to do Friday night.

DH has forbidden me from either asking his sister or suggesting it as he doesn't like conflict.

I'm fucking fed up of the whole lot of them!

Is this unreasonable? Normal? It might help if I liked FIL but he is a PITA. As I like MIL so much I try to put up but there is no end in sight.

My marriage is already rocky due to us struggling as it is with work/kids and we have absolutely zero time together. In a bad week he is doing this three times whilst SIL goes out for dinner and posts reviews on Facebook.

This thread has been really, really helpful for me. I often feel like I have lost confidence in my ability to work out what is right.

Firstly, we also have a toddler, and I spent a lot of weekends when on mat leave on my own for this reason. That is why I feel so resentful (our youngest is only 14 months). Our baby had some health issues and didn't sleep and I feel utterly exhausted at the time. Yet DH was still summoned. At that point SIL was pregnant although this issue goes back years.

That said, I do see more clearly now why I can't demand that SIL do more and the fact she doesn't want to is up to her and not necessarily wrong, given her not great relationship with her parents (especially her mother).

DH feels guilty - rightly or wrongly. FIL is a very controlling man and MIL has had a desperately unhappy life with him. She is lovely but a total doormat. I am very supportive of MIL and often stand up for her to FIL.

Our house, the hospital and PILs are in a triangle in terms of distance. So a visit to PILs is 50 mins. But to go to the hospital then PILs then home is an absolute PITA doing all sides of the triangle. The worst is when MIL needs picked up and taken to hospital and back again. Takes most of the day!

I feel sorry for DH to an extent but he as usual puts us last. And criticises me for spending too much time with my own family (who are no picnic either). I have long felt we need marriage guidance counselling for our communication but ironically, have no one to babysit!

Sorry for acronyms - that was a fair point!

I haven't got a solution but I somehow need a message to get to FIL that we can't always do it.

what tipped me over the edge today was the absolute nature of the demand "you will be here Friday".

If I am ever lucky to be old, I really hope not to put my kids through this shit!!!!!

The worst is when MIL needs picked up and taken to hospital and back again. Takes most of the day!

Is the problem with paying for taxis "can't" or "won't"?

Would your giving them some of the cost be enough? That removes the "can't", and if it's then "won't" you can shrug your shoulders with equanimity.

I feel enraged about DMiL tbh. Why the hell can't she take a taxi? Do they not have friends who can help?

Yes - it's v expensive. The council shut the local hospital so it's miles away. Makes you wonder how many other families have the same issue.

I have offered to pay the taxi fayre (to save our weekends) but you can imagine the result. "Oh well, if you can't do it, I will have to get the bus. And I'm so sick".

"DH has forbidden me from either asking his sister or suggesting it as he doesn't like conflict."
It does sound as if your husband is enmeshed in FOG - Fear, Obligation, Guilt. It's hard to get your head around it when you've been brought up by normal parents, but essentially he has been brainwashed since childhood to do what his controlling father demands of him, and even in adulthood that conditioning kicks in. Perhaps being dismissed as a 'cretinous idiot' was the saving of his sister .

Perhaps, instead of talking to SIL about taking turns, it might be worth asking about their childhood? How they were treated, disciplined, encouraged, discouraged? It might give you an 'in' to discuss with your husband and help him to get out from under his father's influence?

derxa they have no friends. Weird, huh? There is a brother who would gladly help but they don't ask him.

I said to MIL recently I thought DH was heading for a physical breakdown but she didn't get the hint!!!!!

I have offered to pay the taxi fare..."Oh well, if you can't do it, I will have to get the bus. And I'm so sick".

Is there an emoticon for a shrugged shoulder?

What is it about old people and taxis? That summoning their own children is OK, but summoning someone who does it for a living is unthinkable?

Do you have the option of saying, once, "That doesn't work for us, however I have booked you a taxi" and doing it, without DH knowing. So he can see what the difference between him rushing around for an ungrateful sod who is capable of booking their own taxi, and spending some quality time with his family?

There is a brother who would gladly help but they don't ask him. God-all-fucking-mighty! I suppose I'm used to my dear old dad who was over 90 and built a solid network around him and were glad to help him out. We were 350 miles away.

I agree with those who say leave SIL out of it, in the sense that she is probably likely thinking the exact same thing as you, and asking will just result in a family spat and you will end up with the blame.
I too would not drop anything of my own to do this, and see how long it takes for DH to wear himself out doing it alone.
It's very hard to tell someone they are wrong for trying to do the right thing. All you can do is stop being so obliging yourself and put your children first like you want to.
The bus isn't ideal but it's free and completely untraumatic to sit on a bus for a while

I said to MIL recently I thought DH was heading for a physical breakdown but she didn't get the hint!!!!!
of course she didnt, as far as she in concerned he is duty bound to do her bidding, in her mind that is the natural and inevitable order of things

I have had a belly full this week of selfish old people "refusing" help so that they can impose on their already stressed out, middle aged children.

(I am the grandchild here.)

In my family a love woman in her 60s ended up in hospital weeks after her mother "refused respite".

The respite wasn't for you , you selfish cow. It was for the people who are working themselves to the bone looking after you.

Seriously, your FIL is being a dick to refuse the transport provided, your MIL is being awful to her son nylon demanding he dance attendance on his Dad ar tge expense of living his own life, and your DH is being a twat to allow his own family life to be disrupted to that extent on an ongoing, long term basis.

Your kids could be grown up before this shit stops.

And there is NO NEED for any of it.

All these people's lives messed up so a man can refuse to use door to door transport he is bloody lucky to have..

I don't know how old your MIL and FIL are and I know you said they're very ill but what if this goes on for another 10 years plus OP?

Unlike another poster suggested I get from what you've wrote that you know there is the fear of loosing your DH's parents,I lost my DM 2 years ago.I am seriously ill and disabled and not likely to make it to old age but hand on heart I would never want my DC and they're familys to live like your having to to help me!

Like others have said your DH is making matters worse,of course he needs to be able to put you and his family at home first some times,that's only normal.
So from now on if he wants to have to move things around for them let him,he's not listening to you or respecting how your feeling,you need to let him sort it out for himself.

So if he's running around after them you shouldn't need to sort people to have the children,change your plans ect.
It might be the only way OP to make him see that this can't go on any longer.

The fact that you've offered to pay for taxis for them is very generous if they say no then that's upto them but they don't get to dictate who can help them and when.

if you are elderly and in need of help from relatives then surely, to stand any chance of them actually helping you then your best hope is to:
1-move so that you are a handy distance from them
2-downsize to some sort of sheltered accommodation so that the help you need is minimal;
3-be a nice kind person so that others will actually want to help you

A slightly different perspective here - but I think in this situation I would be your DH in terms of approach. I can absolutely see why it is frustrating for you but I can also see why it is a no compromise situation for him.

I know that if my parents were very ill I would feel obliged to look after them and do what he is doing regardless of the consequences. I think in my mind it would be a temporary situation so I would just put up with the annoyance/upset from my OH in a 'burying my head in the sand' it won't be forever but my marriage will be forever type way. Be it right or wrong - I would be using the 'for worst' part of the vows here.

I can still see how it is a tough situation and frustrating that his sister won't/can't be involved. I hope it works itself out soon.

if you are elderly and in need of help from relatives then surely, to stand any chance of them actually helping you then your best hope is to:
1-move so that you are a handy distance from them
2-downsize to some sort of sheltered accommodation so that the help you need is minimal;
3-be a nice kind person so that others will actually want to help you
That's far too sensible glassgarden

I guess it is hopelessly utopian derxa!

Still they are employing a very risky strategy which could so easily result in everyone thinking 'hurry up and die so we can all catch a rest'

they are presumably very confident of their ability to manipulate their offspring and play them off against one another?

glassgarden I didn't mean to be snide. They could try at least one of these things.
There is a phrase 'The creaking gate hangs longest'

Did you MIL call you and tell you about the pick up times? Could you say something along the lines of "Sorry but it's very difficult for us to come this time, could you try (name of SIL) or the hospital transport and we will try to come next time?"

Yanbu to you but also Yanbu to your SIL. Neither you, your DH or your SIL should have to drive that far and spend so much time away from your own families to taxi around your parents when there is a free option available. Your PILs are piling on the guilt and it's disgusting that they are willing to use their illnesses in this way. Manipulative doesn't even cover it.
Can you confide in your SIL that you think your DH is spending far too much time away from his family for this when there is free transport? I would imagine her bad relationship with her parents is down to her refusing to be at their beck and call like her brother is. Perhaps she has some advice for you regarding saying no? If SIL can talk to him it may help.
You definitely need to sit down with him and tell him he is losing his wife and his family. If he weren't missing so many important things and leaving you alone so often it wouldn't be an issue but he can't whinge at you for spending time with your sister and her problems and then disappear at every opportunity to be a taxi for his parents. It is not going to kill them to use the free service and it will improve your marriage. You both need more time together before it ends it prematurely. He can put his family first. He is being entirely unfair and his parents are ruining your marriage to make their lives only a little bit easier. A bus will not make their illnesses worse. They can still get help from you guys, just not at the detriment of your marriage and your children.

This sounds crazy. Ludicrous. I imagine it will take your fil an hour to two longer to get home in hospital transport and because HE doesn't want to wait around, he insists on his son wasting a minimum of 4 hours of his day. Fil is retired with grown up children. Dh has 4 young children to parent and be with as well as a full time job. One of his children has medical issues. Both dh and his wife are exhausted. Fil wants to be picked up at 8pm so dh won't get home until what time? 10.30/11 pm? I would be fuming. You need to save your marriage and if that cannot be saved, you need to save you.

I wonder if your husband is so tired that he is not capable of rational thought. I agree with what glassgarden said. Sadly, I however, right now it would appear the only thing that will stop your dh from going would be to remove a vital part in the car engine so it wouldnt start. Any mechanics out there?

Whatever you do, don't involve your poor SIL.

There will come a time when this cantankerous, demanding pair really do need help, and the last thing you want to do is alienate the only other possible source.

She's dead right not to waste her maternity leave being her Dad's chauffeur because the chauffeur service he has been offered for free isn't to his liking.

The fact that your DH wants to give his children a crap childhood so he pander to that shite is not her problem.

DoinItFine spot on.

didnt think you were remotely snide derxa!
I should've added a or a