For seething that we are the only ones ever asked to help elderly parents?

[Roonerspism]

I'm increasingly cross about something but have no idea if I'm being selfish. Go gently, please...

Parents in law live a 2 hour round trip away and both chronically unwell. Constant medical appointments and procedures and investigations. I get on well with my MIL. FIL is a rather unpleasant, controlling man who treats women like cretinous idiots (hence the reason for the following I think)...

We have four young kids and DH's sister has one.

I have just received the following call from MIL "Jonathan (who is FIL) will either come out of hospital on Friday or Saturday so [RoonerDH] should be there 2000 on Friday or Saturday afternoon. We will let you know on Friday morning". Never a request. Or to see if it suits. A simple demand.

This call happens a lot. We might have a few weeks off then it starts again. The hospital is 70 miles from us so the whole pick up for DH takes 4 hours. Sometimes it's two/three times a week. If FIL is in hospital them it's daily visits.

There is free hospital transport provided but FIL refuses it as he says it takes too long. MIL can't drive.

Im utterly worn out by this. Every time, I have to cancel things, beg friends to help take one of my kids to something (because of a clash), we miss family time, cancel arrangements. DH had to miss DD's dance show two weeks ago and we were both shouted at as he was 1/2 hour late. We both work, are exhausted and have no family support as it is.

DH's sister drives too, and has never been asked to assist nor does she offer. She has a willing DH and only one child. She is currently on mat leave.

I'm increasingly seething that she can't take turns on this.

I have no family support nearby. I phoned FIL and said we were struggling for Saturday due to a clash. He said we would have to do Friday night.

DH has forbidden me from either asking his sister or suggesting it as he doesn't like conflict.

I'm fucking fed up of the whole lot of them!

Is this unreasonable? Normal? It might help if I liked FIL but he is a PITA. As I like MIL so much I try to put up but there is no end in sight.

My marriage is already rocky due to us struggling as it is with work/kids and we have absolutely zero time together. In a bad week he is doing this three times whilst SIL goes out for dinner and posts reviews on Facebook.

Feeling ultra sensitive today!

I agree you have a dh problem not an il problem.
yes, of course you should help out and take your turn (well, your dh should) but this isn't taking his turn.
Your dh sounds like his father unfortunately, forbidding you to do things.

Ask him if he'd object to this much of a commitment if it was your family?
And make him make the calls, have all the dealings, don't answer your phone to them, they are his parents.

It's a wonder your DH or you haven't fallen asleep at the wheel with all that driving
YANBU at all. Even when the parent or PiL is nice and not demanding, this sort of inequality ends up happening.

agree holograph. my mum told me about my aunt in her 70s taking 4 buses a day to see my uncle in hospital from their capacious house in a naice part of Hampshire I said, why on earth doesn't she take a taxi. Cue horrified gasp as if I'd suggested she go on the game.

*bolograph

Your pil are being selfish. It's understandable that dh wants to help, but it's not fair for them to demand and drive him to breaking point.

Have they looked into www.royalvoluntaryservice.org.uk/get-help/getting-out-and-about/community-transport? Cheaper than a taxi and minimal waiting.

what surprises me most is that the OP seemed to be expecting to be flamed and told that she is BU!

Some of you - all of you - are very astute here.

Yes - jane* that is exactly it. DH gets home at midnight after 6 hours to-ing and fro-ing and waiting. FIL gets home and sits at home. At that point I was up hourly with ill baby....

glass YYY. I said to MIL, many times, they should move near us so when they needed it, we could provide help. So it's not like they weren't warned. They have no friends where they live and no community etc.

Whoever said "cantankerous" is spot on. I'm utterly ashamed to say I have more than once thought how relieved I will be when he is no longer here. I know that sounds callous but after years of this - plus the shit to MIL - you can't help what comes into your mind. They FIL no longer visits us due to his health has been life changing for me.

flander we aren't even given times. DH is put on stand by for days whilst the hospital decides when to release him. We have had days of this before.

To anyone who says it is only short term - it really isn't. We have had years of it and it's getting worse. There is no end and I feel our family time is precious.

Anyway - on a positive note - I have been in touch with SIL who basically said she can't be bothered with it all - as correctly predicted - although they will do Saturday's picnic.

I will check out the transport option but I know for a fact he won't bloody use it. But at least I can suggest it before telling him we aren't able to help all the time.

Thanks everyone - you are all thoughtful and insightful!

Even when the parent or PiL is nice and not demanding, this sort of inequality ends up happening
as if when one person steps up to the plate anyone else who might reasonably be called on to pitch in beats a hasty retreat
as per Altas...once you shoulder that burden it's yours for good

obviously as a modern wealthy society we need to make provision for the elderly but the cost (be it money, time, stress) need to be distributed equitably.
After all it is in everyone's interests (since we will all potentially be old someday) to live in a society where the oldest members of society are not seen as a burden that no one wants to deal with

ah sorry, bit of an off topic idealist rant there from me

I have been in touch with SIL who basically said she can't be bothered with it all
this is doing you in and she's all blase about it
isnt that rather insulting?

I think I might see my way to developing various illnesses of my own if I were in a situation like this...anything to get me off the hook

glass I'm not sure if it's just because I'm worn out but I feel like I have completely lost the ability to read a situation if that makes sense.

I have stopped trusting my judgment. DH has a tendency to be controlling like his dad, yes, and belligerent - but is more self aware. So he is a shit and then apologises!

I have my own toxic mother to cope with and siblings who are struggling with that.

I feel like running away most of the time! My lovely lovely kids are great and I am trying to make them my priority.

I feel either me or DH or our marriage is heading for crack up.

It's not remotely insulting that she is not going to steal time from her own children because her asshole Dad wants his children to chauffeur him around.

She has no moral obligation whatsoever to step in to make up her Dad'said refusal to make use of a viable option.

Her brother's willingness to martyr himself and Sacrifice his family to the outrageous demands of his father creates no obligation on her to do similarly.

This is not a crisis. This is a selfish old prick throwing his weight around.

He does not need lifts from the hospital.

Nobody needs to be on standby.

Nobody needs to be driving around for 4 hours.

All of this is just manufactured drama and opting out of it is smart.

Make sure it is not you that cracks up.

You are the only person even considering putting your children first.

Your marriage to a controlling man might have to be the thing that gives.

I have completely lost the ability to read a situation if that makes sense
makes total sense Rooner!
very hard to look at things clearly and get them in perspective when you are stressed and under attack all the time
thats why they are able to treat you badly, you dont have the mental energy left to gain a good insight into the nature of your exploitation

I think some older people who have never or rarely used public transport or free hospital transport or taxis may find this to be "out of their comfort zone"

However as we all know all of these options of travel are perfectly acceptable

What would happen if you had a family emergency, a holiday or a special occassion like a friends wedding or bad weather eg heavy snow. So that you or husband could not make the 4 hour drive to perform the hospital collection for PILs ?

Being old and ill can be worrying, confusing and affects peoples daily routines, so I do have some sympathy. When people are old their frustrations can manifest in a multitude of ways.

Ultimately it is you and your DH choice whether you offer help in this way or not. If you continue to offer the help, I hope that it is appreciated.

Being old and ill can be worrying, confusing and affects peoples daily routines, so I do have some sympathy. When people are old their frustrations can manifest in a multitude of ways

true, but worried and confused people should not be allowed to dominate and destroy the lives of those around them, they need to be taken in hand and managed, not kow towed to
not given free reign to throw everyone else under the bus

My DH was summoned to do an 8 hour round trip to take his dad to an routine appointment as he refused to consider transport because he didn't want to wait for them!

Her brother's willingness to martyr himself and Sacrifice his family to the outrageous demands of his father creates no obligation on her to do similarly.

Yup SIL isn't behaving badly. She isn't under any obligation to be mrs taxi.

Its not like you're leaving them naked and filthy on the floor, unable to wash dress or eat. Its just a lift home. They CAN get a taxi.

I think some older people who have never or rarely used public transport or free hospital transport or taxis

Who are these people? How many people now aged 70, so born in 1946, were able to buy themselves cars for their exclusive use aged 17, in 1963?, and haven't used a bus or train since? Not many, especially given that a large number of women of that generation can't drive.

And if there are people who are too posh for public transport, there is no need to pander to them. They can get a bus/train/taxi like everyone else, or stay at home.

My DH was summoned to do an 8 hour round trip to take his dad to an routine appointment

So why did he say yes, eh?

OP this is a really stressful situation and I am sorry that you are so exhausted. The tiredness itself creates a bad atmosphere.

Is it always night time your FIL needs picked up? Are they regular weekly appointments? If so you could maybe say something like "I have been up a lot with the little ones not being well so feel unable to drive that distance tonight. Which is true and could be dangerous for you or your DH.

Maybe doing it once a week would be more manageable? Say to your MIL since she seems like a woman you could say it to that you are your husband feel very run down atm with the kids/work/driving around for hours and late into the night, and you feel that you cannot manage the amount you are currently doing. Would this be something you feel you could say?

And with regards to SIL I agree that it would be hard to do all this driving with a baby in tow. And she probably has the view that with the free transport why should people be running around after them. It would be different if it was after an operation and they wouldn't want to be sitting on a bus, but otherwise the bus is acceptable.

Some old people really do feel entitled don't they? My own 60 year old mum started cleaning for an elderly neighbour 2 hours a week, who started being really annoyed if my mum couldn't be at her beck and call 24/7. She refused to use her emergency button if she had a fall and would phone my mum all hours. In the end it got too much and she ended it all. U fortunately this might be heading the same way. There is only so much a person can do when they have so many other commitments.

I think as glass said, it does raise all the problems of caring for elderly now.

FIL is one of these people - who through no fault of his own - must have cost the NHS millions on his own. Every week there is some appointment. The ones at the hospital are when he is sick with an infection and he is outraged he is on the geriatric ward (he is 75!) or numerous - and I mean numerous investigations and procedures. I don't know how he can face it all.

We got lots of calls at 2am for a while for DH to drive over to lift him when he was ill and get him to hospital. FIL would refuse an ambulance and state DH must do it. At that point I simply phoned A and E for him.

I think it's a total lack of compassion by him that others might have stuff on!

fucking that is even worse!!

Sounds a very familiar situation with my Grandmother. My Dad and Mum and me do everything for his Mum. His sister lives 30 minutes away and does nothing. She has hospital appointments at least once a month, doctors at least weekly, washing, shopping, cleaning. How some people can live with themselves not doing their fair share is beyond me.

Before my parents retired I was the one taking her to every appointment. I am a SAHM by choice but I ended up having to drag my children to all these appointments. I love my Grandmother but do resent my Auntie doing nothing to help.

hanban I think if anything I would need to go to FIL directly. MIL is scared of him. Last time there was a pick up she couldn't act as go between in terms of times because FIL yelled at her.

I'm not scared of FIL. I have forced him to stop shouting at MIL more than once. But I fear my direct intervention might lead to bigger problems.

I need to get my head sorted