To feel excluded from my child's education before it even begins?

[Throwmynameaway]

School has an induction evening in a couple of weeks. The letter says that it's for parents only (bolded and underlined) and children can not be accommodated. Letter also mentions how important the evening is to meet teachers and get first week info. No mention of alternative dates or times to meet the teachers or get this induction info if you can't attend. I'm a single parent and have no one to baby sit so my options are to ignore the underlining and billing and hope they don't make a big deal out of me taking my child or to miss out on the induction. We haven't even started school and already my child is excluded just because I'm a single parent without a family/friend support network. And it's not just single parents. Anyone else who has other children and no babysitter and a partner who works can't attend.

AIBU?

Our school lets children attend. Consequently the meeting is pointless as you.can't.hear.a damn.word.anyone.says.

YANBU.

Even DS3's school, which is the parent unfriendly school I've come across, had induction days where the DC were taken around the school/shown classrooms while we listened to the adult stuff. It really is a bit ridiculous to do it in the evenings when it's obvious the DC will need looking after but cannot be taken.

I struggled with no support network for years with 4 DC (not SP but DH who worked away/to very late in the evenings). Thankfully DD is now an adult so can babysit on the very rare occasion it is necessary but it was a nightmare for years when they were all younger.

It really is hard to just 'find' yourself a support network. It gives me the rage when people, who probably have a great support network themselves, can't imagine how people who don't are in that situation.

Some people are unlucky enough to not have family members/friends living within nearby or who actually give enough of a shit to help out.
Some people find it very hard to make friends, may be shy/socially anxious, and you need a good friend to trust them to look after your DC.
Some people actually cannot afford to pay for babysitters, especially if they are a single parent on a low income living hand to mouth, who can't 'magic' up £30+ for a few hours ad hoc childcare for something which could have been organised better.
Some people don't want to leave their small DCs with strangers.

I would call the school, explain your predicament and ask to come in at a another mutually convenient time (when DC at pre-school?).

Apologiess, my spelling and grammar is atrocious today.

Also this is not very inclusive to the children either, if they are not welcome. Are they not doing something to meet the children before they start, to meet their teacher, show them the school?

Nobody has 'excluded' you op!

If the letter has parents only bold and underlined you can be sure that they are used to parents who won't make arrangements and that they don't want the children there.
What have you actually done to try and get a support network OP?

You are not excluded. I had 7 years as a single parent and no family. In that 7 years I needed (and wanted) to go out. I had to to do what everyone in that situation does and get babysitters. It is the same if you are a couple- there are times that you both need (and want) to go out. Lots of people don't have local family , able and willing.
This is only the start- from now in there will be other occasions where you need babysitters.
It is very good for the child too- much healthier to have the 'it takes a village............' than a little unit of two where both never get a break from each other.
I got my first babysitting job at school when a teacher said 'anyone live in X village and would like to babysit?' and I got a nice family with a 4yr old and toddler. I then went onto babysit for friends of theirs too. I could go, do my homework and get paid.

Agree with everything DancingHippo says.

OP, YANBU. But I think definitely pick up the phone and anticipate the school being helpful, rather than become bitter at how poorly thought out it is. Definitely I can see how it would be inappropriate to have children attending the meeting itself, but this is a meeting targeted solely at parents/carers FFS - you'd think they would provide a crèche. Or better yet some sort of complementary induction for the children.

MN can often be weirdly competitive about self-sufficiency though, and never imposing one's children on other people/ never expecting children to be catered for etc etc etc.

(Speaking as a LP who would have a support network in place for this occasion; but otherwise similar enough to OP to recognise it really isn't as easy as "just get a sitter OP".)

We just our introduction talk for my DDs place for nursery last week. Whilst my DD was babysit and my DS went to his dad's we still took our newborn with us. No one battered an eyelid and to be honest there was several children who were present that would be attending the school with both sets of parents just both sets wanted to attend
(nothing wrong with that as its abig thing that both of them wanted to be involved in) I think they try to discourage it but utilmately people will bring them or not and if you have stuck I would just explain the situation. You would be surprised how accommodating they will be.

No one said it was easy. If she wants a sitter in 2weeks she needs to start now. It is in fact a bit late because you need time for the child and sitter to get to know each other. However it is a wake up call to OP that she needs to start building up a support network. e.g. If she is in bed ill she needs to be able to phone someone and ask them to take her DC to school, if she is stuck in traffic she needs someone to phone to collect her child. She needs someone for the school form for an emergency contact.

Is this common not to invite children to induction evenings? I find it all a bit strange not to include the child to see their classroom, meet their teacher etc. I normally hold an induction afternoon and an induction evening for parents and children. I've never heard of schools not inviting the child along but you learn something new every day.

I don't understand why you can't get a sitter? have you no friends or neighbours or work colleagues? no one with a responsible teen who could get to know your child and help you out occasionally ?

I'm sure that a neighbour would be happy if you asked them.
Of course they have that sort of meeting tooSpring- which is why they don't want the child on this one.
We moved when DS was 8yrs. We didn't know anyone at all and still had to have an emergency contact so we asked our next door neighbour, the one person that we had actually met.

OP it must be tough being on your own.

But if you really have no one to help, you need to pick up the phone and call the school.

I don't see why you think the other two options (ignore the heavily emphasised instruction, or not go at all) would be preferable to calling the school and being honest.

Who do you think they are? You're worried it will "mark you"? Just call them!

I've often thought dds school seems to assume that everyone lives in a two parent set up with one parent working 9 to 5. Phone them and explain.

Once dd starts school it might be an opportunity to find other parents where you can help each other out.

Schools don't presume anything about family set up, it just really isn't their responsibility to sort out your childcare for you.

Would you really want to listen to an induction talk with hundreds of children running around? (As they would then need to open it up to all children - babies, toddlers etc) You wouldn't get anything done or hear any of the information!

Ring them, they'll either make an exception (often letters have a blanket rule to stop people exploiting something, but if you ring they will accommodate) or ask them to put information aside for you.

Our school do this. Ring, am sure they will have come across this before and can hopefully do something to help, possibly an individual meeting or send the pack out. Could a friend have your child for a couple of hours?

Is this common not to invite children to induction evenings?

My DC old school had mornings you could attend with the child and then half an induction day. They also had this one meeting where they went over all the basic - start of school day, lunches, and introducing all teh main staff.

First place I lived with children there were loads of childcare options - second just us. Second was more rural and everyone had family - were we extremely odd not to - and while other parents I knew were sympathetic but unwilling to help when it came to it. Ended up fighting for HB as we really were stuck and all the suggested solutions just weren't there and we really tried.

And the neighbour were very elderly and one that wasn't was a spiteful cow who really had it out for us. DH worked away so we could get teh hell out of the local area of local people we'd unwittingly ended up in.

I find MN a bit weird with things like this. I'm constantly accused on here of being a lax parent because Eg I let my children play out with friends, or I drop and run at birthday parties.

But I wouldn't let a stranger babysit them, even if they did come from an agency where their background was checked. And two weeks is nowhere near enough for me to get to know a local teenager well enough to let them babysit for me. And as for asking a neighbour? My neighbours are lovely but I wouldn't dream of asking them to babysit, it just seems like hugely overstepping the mark in terms of being a decent neighbour.

I do agree that the OP would do well to make a huge effort to find herself a support network, to make friends with other parents so that you can help each other out, but that's not going to happen inside two weeks.

At my DCs school the children go to the induction meeting too. They are taken to their classroom to look around, whilst the parents stay in the school hall for talks on safeguarding etc. It works really well and isn't a massive logistical problem for the school either.

What do they say in the talks on safeguarding?

"But I think definitely pick up the phone and anticipate the school being helpful, rather than become bitter at how poorly thought out it is"

This. This is one thing I have learnt from many years of bringing up children: when you get entrenched in the idea that nothing can be done and they are out to get me you don't get anywhere, when you explain the problem in a positive and non-accusatory way a way can often be found.

Can't you ask a neighbour to babysit? If you worked a couple of extra Saturdays surely you could earn enough to pay someone to look after the child. I'm a single parent and I have often paid babysitting charges for going to evening school events.

The safeguarding stuff wasn't really anything that the children wouldn't be being made aware of anyway. The pants rule and the corresponding leaflets, and that sort of stuff.

Then they talked about health stuff, school nurse, attendance etc. None of it would be upsetting or inappropriate for the children, but they would definitely have got bored and restless if they had to sit through it.