new child - upset X W

[TeaandCake8]

AIBU? DP was married for 11years they had 2 DC -pregnancy wasn't planned they decided to do right thing & marry to give it ago- but in the end they divorced.

I've been with DP for 20years now & just had our 1st DS together, x w is pissed as hell , his DC have stopped talking to him (admit their relationship has been rocky 4 few years due to stirring by xw) the DC haven't meet our new DS .

I feel terrible his fallen out with his DC , but should it upset his xw after all this time? think it's been a reasonable amount of time they have been spilt up for!

I wonder if you're reading a lot more into this comment that the ex is unhappy about the baby than is really there.

It stands to reason that the children, whether they be adult or not, would tell one parent that the other was having another baby. Even more so after twenty years together tbh, and that the other parent may make a comment about it, especially to adult children, and that the children may have relayed that comment back to their dad, and for whatever reason you have taken it to heart.

The reality is that your relationship was unconventional. I haven't read all the posts so I don't know whether you were the OW, but the fact you were only eighteen when you got together and he would likely have been in his 30's given he already had an eleven year old at the time doesn't exactly show him to be a paragon of integrity. In fact if you were to write his bio it would read along the lines of "married my ex because she was pregnant, we were so unhappy we continued to have sex and had another baby and stayed together for eleven years. then I decided to leave and got together with an eighteen year old, just seven years older than my eleven year old.

I wonder how much in control you feel of your life OP? You were taken advantage of by a much older man when you were still young, and became a step parent to children who weren't young enough to be your children. It can't have been easy, but equally I imagine you may have felt that you had to make it work in the face of opposition from everyone who would have told you both how unwise it was to get into a relationship of this kind.

And now that you're older and in a better position to know what you want from your life you find yourself pregnant and the children who you became step parent/surrogate sister to at the age of eighteen have rejected their dad and your baby. And you're still trapped.

Is this really where you want to be?

Boxofsnails that is an incredibly infantile and devisive view of the parent child relationship. Duty of care is no longer applicable when the 'children' are fully grown adults living their own lives. No wonder there is so much entitlement swirling around society when people subscribe to that view

OP I agree with pp's, what the ex thinks or does is entirely irrelevant to you. Do not waste headspace on it. The adult children will make up their own minds all you can do is leave the door open.

Focus on enjoying your precious little one, they deserve all the love and attention you can give them. The rest is beyond your control.

Think his kids may feel they just saw their inheritance disappear! Can't think why else adult children would be miffed by a new baby....

Personally, you aren't being unreasonable - they've been separated a long time, so it isn't her business to be involved in anymore.
Plus, the children have grown up. Could be an inheritance thing? Idk. But the youngest is 3yrs older than me and I ain't that bothered about my inheritance just yet!
My mum and stepdad had a new baby when I was 18, and I have no issue with it, that said my stepsister hasn't ever met my sister and has nothing to do with my mum or my family as she's bitter (poss attachment and jealousy issues) as she didn't speak to the family once my mum announced she was pregnant. Only sees my stepdad for 30 mins at Xmas or her birthday for her presents/money, and don't hear from her for 12mths despite my mum offering her to go round for Sunday lunch, Xmas/Boxing Day and my sisters birthdays etc...

However, I'm 22, and my DP is 32. I have a 3yo, he has a 6yo. His X-w hates me, which I find hilarious but she is 10yo than him (so 42), they split 4.5yr ago.. Could just be that X-w of your DP is jealous that he has got a younger wife and she's resenting that you're still able to have children.

Could be a possible number of things! But congrats on new baby xx

Haven't read through all thread yet but I reckon it's all about money..... exW and kids are miffed inheritance is going to be (a) less overall (because new child will be drain on existing resources, resources which are presumably not going to accumulate much more as husband is older) and (b) split three-ways rather than 2-ways

Love your own DP, and your child, enjoy being a new family, together. Be civil to xw and welcome the grown up children to your home as you always have( whether they visit or not). You have nothing to reproach yourself for. Do not be swayed by other people's poor behaviour. There is very little you can do to change a hostile xw and disgruntled adult children attitudes and so you should acknowledge they are unhappy and then cease trying to please them( the key point they are ADULTS and live in the real world and so need to move on).
My guess is that as XW and older children, possibly with partners and families of their own, , rather revoltingly, they are looking beyond dp's life and towards inheritance. Another long term partner and another biological child rather dilutes the funds you see.
There will also be some jealousy as the 'new' child will clearly have everything it wants now, where as they all had a thoroughly terrible time as children. That's it. It's just the green eyed monster and greed. It says so much more about them, than you.
Focus on the good, and let go of the things you can't change, goodness knows with a new baby, you've enough on your plate. Good Luck x

AndTakeYourPenguinWithYou
It happens. My uncle's ex wife kick my uncle out and did use my cousin as aneeded info source, quizzing her when she got back. She regretted it and wanted him back but he had met someone else. They lived together for 15 years before getting married and his xw did everything in her power to destroy the wedding. Imagine what she would have done if they had had kids (in their 50s and 60s now)

Maybe ex-wife is just jealous of the whole new baby thing. Perhaps menopause has kicked in and your pregnancy was a reminder that she'll never get to do that again. Not that it's an excuse, of course.

Sometimes, when relationships end, the children involved can be emotionally traumatised by the event. It is not unusual for them to feel that it was their fault. Your step children are now adults but you're having a child may possibly have brought up some unresolved issues for them that they are struggling to deal with. As I said, they are adults; give them time and space and I am sure they will get their head around things.

My ex has a 40 + year age gap between him and the youngest siblings. It did create a LOT of emotion for the older DC and the ex wife didn't mind at all.

In your case I suspect she has an opinion but I think the older DC are probably using her as an excuse while they work through some uncomfortable emotions.

Omg those adult children need to grow a pair and accept that there is a lovely new addition to the family. Xw should get over herself. Ignore all of them and enjoy new motherhood

OP: I'm impressed with your poise in the face of some real provocation on this thread!

I used to feel judged by XW. Then I started concentrating on those I loved and just ignored the 'observation' repeated by my (lovely) step children. Felt much more relaxed as a result. If you can, just ignore everything except your lovely new baby and DP.

If his adult children can't deal with a new half-sibling, that's their (huge) loss.

Thank you for posts ,it's good to get a perspective on a situation.

Could be a number of things, (hate to think it could be about money but it could very well be a concern) I'll take the advice and not push/be upset/ leave door open/ take on board their emotions / try and support them and definitely enjoy what have now got!

I think there being an xw (and step children) gets you used to letting things go over your head and keeping your poise!

Lookibg at the references to inheritance. Friends of my parents had a baby (unplanned) & married when his DCs from previous marriage were 18, 20 & 22. Only the middle one bothered with the new baby from the beginning- the others came around to the idea later but only to be civil & are not regular visitors.
When they got together, they had nothing & she found out he had a love of whisky. He sorted himself out and 30yrs on they now have a lovely home and a decent pension but when he had a cancer scare the first Q from the older children was 'have you done your will & what's in it for me'. Nowt as strange as folk🤔

Snoringlittlemonkey sorry to take ages to reply to you - if you read my post I'm coming from the position of the OP not the stepchildren - my consideration for the wellbeing of the children DH already has overridesy desire to have a child. So there's no entitlement here. However, "duty of care" may have been the wrong phrase - duty of love, of consideration, of interest in the wellbeing of.

OP I am sure you do care about your stepchildren but unfortunately actions speak louder than words and what they may be hearing by you having a baby now once they are adults is probably very different. You might feel that's tough, and they'll come round, and maybe they will. Actions have consequences though, and maybe they won't.

Box

Or maybe they should get over themselves? My dad is widowed, if he married and however unlikely it is - had another child - I'd be happy and supportive of him. You see, it's not all about me now. He's done his job, I've reached adulthood safely, and mostly well rounded too. Should he only live his life now to please me? Only do things that won't upset me? Even though I am an adult? I'm sorry, but that's very very weird.

He has dated, and yes was alittle hard for me at first but those were my issues, and I certainly didn't make him feel guilty for moving on with HIS life, he has a right to be happy now. Just as the OP and the OP's DH do.

Why is 20 years to long to have a child?

Perhaps the OP's DP spent all this time financially supporting his first DC through university and starting adult life?

Perhaps he took on the mortgage and debts of the family when they spilt.

Perhaps it was a mutual decision.

I imagine it's a shock thing more than anything op. And how to take a much younger sibling into consideration.

What can you do but stay in touch and key them know the door will always be open...?

Just try and be the bigger person. Congratulations on the baby!

Boxofsnails yes maybe they wont come round only time will tell. I'm happy for you upon your decision not to have your own children.

Wallybanterjunkbox and tippytappytoes
good points thank you

Your right DDRMUM nowt as strange as folk

Thank you for your posts much appreciated

Consideration works both ways Snails if you've brought your kids up right. Your adult children should show the same respect to their parents in their life choices that they expect their parents to show to them. Otherwise it's an unhealthy stunted relationship.

Love and consideration don't mean you don't move on in your life, it means being there for each other when they need support. Having another child doesn't prevent that.

Love isn't a finite resource, it grows to accommodate new members of the family otherwise you'd never have more than one child. New relationships grow and evolve between the siblings and family ties can get stronger if everyone has a healthy relationship built on mutual respect.

I understand the consideration for the wellbeing of the children DH already has, but if 25 and 30 year old grown ups rely on daddy not loving another child they have serious issues.

They wanted money and now there is less of it and a younger stepmum who they can no longer pigeon hole as dad's girlfriend and nothing more. A lot of the potential inheritance will be needed to raise the baby. Should the worst happen and dad dies before this child is grown up, more of the funds will remain with stepmum because she has a child to bring up still. Otherwise the inheritance is now split three ways rather than two. Who knows, OP might have another child, the 25-30 year old "kids" can't be sure he is done yet.

They need to act a little more grown up, and I bet they will. If it is purely shock, they'll be back soon once they recover. If it is greed, they will be back too because otherwise they endanger losing all their inheritance. XW is irrelevant, if she has even said anything and the kids didn't just use her as an excuse safe in the knowledge there is no contact and it won't be found out.