new child - upset X W

[TeaandCake8]

AIBU? DP was married for 11years they had 2 DC -pregnancy wasn't planned they decided to do right thing & marry to give it ago- but in the end they divorced.

I've been with DP for 20years now & just had our 1st DS together, x w is pissed as hell , his DC have stopped talking to him (admit their relationship has been rocky 4 few years due to stirring by xw) the DC haven't meet our new DS .

I feel terrible his fallen out with his DC , but should it upset his xw after all this time? think it's been a reasonable amount of time they have been spilt up for!

Also, the first child was unplanned, but they went on to have another so it can't have been that much of a nightmare for him, can it?

why is it odd after 20 years to then have a DC? DC aren't always the reason for a relationship surely love is?

I find that mildly unusual too,but not outlandish.

TBH it makes a bit more sense now we now the 20 year relationship started when you were 18 and you are still only 38.

It must have been pretty difficult for kids of 11+ to have their parents split up and then their dad get a teenage girlfriend nearer their age than his. I wouldn't assume they're estranged because of the ex wife.

Thank you for your support kittensandknitting

There's few reasons thrown up eg inheritance/ being unique as mother of DC, control and then peoples experiences that shed light on things, thank you

To the disbelievers, after 20 years of knowing my DP and having 1st hand experience of the xw I think I know the situation well enough to comment on the past. They did have 2nd DC and said child was loved however that doesn't make the relationship right.

After having my DS yes I wish it had happened b4 but that's the way things go sometimes. Was happy just being two for all that time.

DP is devastated there is no contact with his DC but as posters have suggested don't push things have a way of working themselves out - hopefully!

I appreciate that LittleNelle they may of found that odd but it's never been brought up and always (thought) got on with them b4

There might well have been a lot of "it'll not last" over the last 20 years. That "she doesn't want children, she's a career woman/not interested in them." That you haven't got married might have meant that they (exW and DSC) haven't had to face that yes, this is real, and this isn't just someone Dad's dating, but the person who he'll spend his life with.

If your DP and his exW had their DCs very young, then I can believe easily it was unplanned and he felt forced into marriage, if he was a 'reluctant dad', seeing him planning and being happy about a baby with you after all these years, being a doting dad might be very hard for everyone to cope with.

DinosaursRoar that's a fair sum up of it really, thank you for reading my post & taking it in....which is more than I can say for Andtakeyourpenguinwithyou who has actually been quite aggressive about the whole thing, once again....

As I've stated (couple of times) his been told by his DC his xw is upset , which was my main question as to y

He was told this while DP & his DC where still talking

If you see no point in the thread why would you still be commenting

Forgive me as I haven't read the whole thread so just suggesting that maybe she isn't angry or upset about her ex having another DC but that her ex has fallen out with her kids / doesn't have much of a relationship with them but yet has a new family...

Similar happened to me and it made me angry for my DC, not myself. I dealt with it. It kind of feels like 'Oh carry on your life over there whilst you leave us behind then'.

But even still if his DCs don't want a relationship with him or they're having difficulties right now, then he and they have to work it out. It can't be one-sided.

Maybe your husband should ask his ex directly what she thinks?

It's better than all this 'he said/she said' business.

I know a fair few adults who belive they should have a say in their divorced parents' love life. They fall into two categories; the infantile "but what about meeee, I am his baby and I want him with my mum" or the greedy "new wife and kids are blowing my inheritance". Both versions discount the parents' wishes, understandable perhaps, but tongue biting is probably the best cure for both.

It is of course possible that he was a dreadful dad or is such a terrible man his kids are on the stately homes thread. We don't know him, OP does. I'll go by her word, because otherwise the thread would indeed have been pointless. As for the ExW's feelings, they should be irrelevant to OP or her DP after 20 years.

Either way, none of this is OP's fault who should be focussing on the baby and her family unit of 3 until the DSC come back.

I have to ask OP, having posted in support of you earlier, why you are not married.

Are you planning to marry? Just curious (and nosey!).

I wouldn't worry about the XW, she's irrelevant to you. Unlike the hurting, confused adult children who your DP has just as much of a duty of care to as he does your DS. This was fairly predictable tbh that it would be tough for them.

I'm in a similar position but I think the wellbeing of the children DH already has must come first, before my desire to have a child of my own. It's probably pretty obvious to your partner's existing children that he and you do not feel like this and probably never considered it.

Her DP has a great duty of care to their little baby, but surely not much to 25 and 30 yr old adults.
The relationship shouldn't be frozen in time as parent-dependent child, but instead developed to become a hopefully close relationship between independent adults.

..... unless his adult children wanted the Bank of Dad for ever, rather than just dad.
Has your DP updated his will, to prioritise supporting a dependent child for his first 21 years ?
I hope your current financial position is protected too, OP.

Boxofsnails please read my earlier post

I care about them both very much and hate the thought of them being upset -** does sum up feelings

DP DC have alway been highly consider .

Thank you Bogeyface for your support , my parents divorced and so the guest list for a wedding became harder as I didn't want to upset anyone tbh we've spoken about it again recently

I think your right paxillin that

tongue biting is probably the best cure

My DS has brought me much happiness and will indeed focus on him

Thank you

I used to work with a woman who hadn't quite got over her exH leaving her, he didn't leave for someone else, which I think she'd have found easier as then there would be a reason that wasn't "I don't want to be with you." In her mind, he wanted to be free and single and not have responsibilities. She found it very hard when he got married again, it became clear that it wasn't that he didn't want to be settled down, it was that he didn't want to be settled down with her.

It could be your DP's exW has told herself he was rejecting being a family man. There might have been similar angst if you had got married as that would have also made her/the DSC face up to that you aren't "just dad's girlfriend".

Yes you have stated more than once that the DC that aren't talking to him told you that she was upset.
So which half of that statement is true? Either they are talking to him now and she IS upset, or they are not and she may have been upset sometime in the past, for some unknown reason.

Andtakeyourpenguinwithyou you
When DP broke the news of my pregnancy to DC they where still talking, in between talking & not talking he gathered from them xw was upset with this** news

I fear you may never win with some people on here OP bangs head against wall in support

Dinosaursroar that's interesting & something to bare in mind, thank you.

I've always understood DP had a family life before & have tried to respect that, so maybe this has come as a shock to them

That made me laugh...I was thinking the same kittensandknitting