new child - upset X W

[TeaandCake8]

AIBU? DP was married for 11years they had 2 DC -pregnancy wasn't planned they decided to do right thing & marry to give it ago- but in the end they divorced.

I've been with DP for 20years now & just had our 1st DS together, x w is pissed as hell , his DC have stopped talking to him (admit their relationship has been rocky 4 few years due to stirring by xw) the DC haven't meet our new DS .

I feel terrible his fallen out with his DC , but should it upset his xw after all this time? think it's been a reasonable amount of time they have been spilt up for!

The whole "mean exwife kept him from his kids" trope is often trotted out by wife no2 to excuse very poor behaviour from the man. Much easier for her than admitting he was a shit husband/father possible cheat, maybe didn't pay maintenance etc etc.

^^ This might be true. I know Dsis ex does this with new P - who then get cheated on and find if they have DC with him he'll not pay maintenance.

Doesn't mean at 50 he'll be a bad husband and father now - just that his children may have good reasons to stay distant and not just ex-w spite.

I think it would be nice to just sometime take the OP's word for it

Then you do that.
Sounds a bit fishy to me though.

She's being a complete tit, TeaandCake. Ignore her. It's very sad that the older children have fallen out with your DP, hopefully they will come round. Enjoy your new baby.

Well 40 years on my dad's ex wife, who he had left and unusual for the era, took the children with him due to her alcohol addiction, still tries to cause trouble! She's a vindictive woman who will never leave it be until the day she dies!

Why does it sound fishy? It is entirely possible that the exW in this case has been exactly as the OP has described, she's lived it for 20 years.

I understand responses will be based upon personal experiences, but I think the generalisation jumping to conclusions is a tad frustrating.

The whole "mean exwife kept him from his kids" trope is often trotted out by wife no2 to excuse very poor behaviour from the man

Yes but its often true to.

Who has told you that she is upset?

Maybe she's upset for her kids?

Nothing to do with my personal experience. I'm just thinking: older man, much younger woman, kids not talking to him, but its all the exwifes fault, who is still upset about things 20 years later? She must be pretty pissed off with him for something he did.

So your DP and his EXW are about 50? You are about 40? And his DC are 30 and 25?

So you've been together since you were 20ish and DP was 30ish?

You can see why a baby would take them by surprise after 20 years TBH. It doesn't explain why she's being nasty, though.

Could she have some concern about inheritance? Or is it emotional nonsense about her being the only mother of his DC?

Or maybe the older DC have been struggling to adjust to the idea of a baby sibling and she's gone lioness++++ ?

You've left far too much info out OP.

Why is the ex upset? What has she said?

Why is your DH's relationship with his DC rocky?

Or maybe she just isn't a very nice person.

Were you the other woman?
The whole "He never loved her only married her as she was pregnant" etc etc smacks of "The Script"

If the OP is not much older than her partners children, they may find it pretty horrid. I am not judging btw OP, just an idea as to why his kids may not want a relationship with their father.

Actually Just5 makes an excellent point about inheritance- it's a valid concern but one which the children might find difficult to raise.

I should also say, I had a friend whose (happily married) parents had a late baby when she was 23yo. She loved her parents and the baby but she found it extremely hard to start with.

DHs parents split when he was 9, 2 younger sibs. He remarried within a year of their divorce... he left because of her cheating, he met wife 2 after they split. He remained married for 10 years then left and met a much younger woman, wife3. Both wives had kids by him. He is now 75ish and alone again. He isn't all that pleasant, prone to anger, misogynistic and just not nice.

But his 2 younger kids hated wives 2 + 3, resent their half sibs and have, for about 40 years, been utterly unpleasant about it. DH has little contact but does keep in touch with his dads family, including his half sisters. Their mum always hated the idea that their dad could be happy, always jogged their elbows if they mentioned him pleasantly. DH seems to be the only one who could ever recognise that both parents were wrong, had their faults (mind you he is NC with his siblings and his mums family as they just sort of forget he exists).

Teaandcake8 all you can do is get in with being a happy family unit. his kids are adults and are what they are and will/will not come round in their own time, regardless of what he has done/is doing.

Good luck letting it all flow over your head.

There must be a huge backstory to this because at 30/25 the DC from the previous marriage are well able to make up their own minds and how do you know what the ex wife thinks . I really doubt she is upset although if she considers that your dp was a shit parent to her DC she may well think / have commented about his shit parenting which she is entitled to do . Congrats on the baby .

Crikey I'm only a year older than his youngest 'child' and I can't seriously imagine falling out with my dad because he had a kid with someone else and I felt 'replaced'. I'm an adult, I have a whole life of my own... It possibly would have affected me up to teen years but not in my mid twenties! They're being ridiculous.

Also the exw sounds a bit unhinged. Two decades have passed and she's not over the end of the marriage yet? Therapy needed! Your DP doesn't need to talk to her anyway does he? Now the youngest is seven years past 18.

"The whole "He never loved her only married her as she was pregnant" etc etc smacks of "The Script""

I was wondering.

I mean they had another child & were together 11yrs so it can't have been all bad!

She needs to get a grip. She's "pissed off"?

Bloody hell.

Yep I just want to throw in it is very frustrating when the xw just is a toxic knobhead which does happen!! Ofcourse sometimes the ex wife gets blamed unfairly too but after personal experience on this I can sympathise op. When I came on mn for help posters were falling over themselves to prove the poor ex wife was being blamed etc etc when it quite genuinely wasn't that.
As others have said op the 'children' are adults and your husband will have to speak to them as adults and really it's not got a thing to do with his ex wife has it?? X

How old is your DP?

Well guess she can be upset if she wants to & the kids are old enough to make their own decisions.

The whole "He never loved her only married her as she was pregnant" etc etc smacks of "The Script"

Very true.

I'm not surprised the OP has disappeared quite frankly, as now she's the OW, the exW can do no wrong and her DP/DH of 20 years is completely in the wrong. cbigs I've had exactly the same experience as you. The DC "mother" sees them once every 12-18mts I see them every day and she was still defended!

Who knows why the exW and OP's DP/DH stayed together, maybe it was "easier" maybe they lived separately in the same house, maybe they did it for the children and then realised they were bloody miserable and wanted to be with someone who loved them. Nobody here knows!

The OP has asked for some advise or maybe just wanted to even vent and as always with these threads rather than giving support all sorts of conclusions are reached and the OP made to feel bloody awful.

Yep I just want to throw in it is very frustrating when the xw just is a toxic knobhead which does happen

I've seen that as well - but you'd hope that the grown DC would have seen though that - though perhaps contact with their Dad isn't worth having to endure bad behaviour from mother in response to it or they've just never considered the other side of things.

Either way ex is irrelevant - and the children are adults and in control of their own relationships.