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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

new child - upset X W

146 replies

TeaandCake8 · 23/05/2016 11:51

AIBU? DP was married for 11years they had 2 DC -pregnancy wasn't planned they decided to do right thing & marry to give it ago- but in the end they divorced.

I've been with DP for 20years now & just had our 1st DS together, x w is pissed as hell , his DC have stopped talking to him (admit their relationship has been rocky 4 few years due to stirring by xw) the DC haven't meet our new DS .

I feel terrible his fallen out with his DC , but should it upset his xw after all this time? think it's been a reasonable amount of time they have been spilt up for!

OP posts:
murmuration · 23/05/2016 15:01

A couple being childless for 20 years suddenly change their minds?

Actually, DH and I were together for 18 years before kids (although only married 11 of them, but we had been co-habitating for 17 years). We got together when I was early 20s. Then it was many years of various levels of training positions, etc., before we started talking about having kids, and by then I was mid-to-late-30's already (him nearly 50, as he's older). A few years past that we finally had a child. I admit I went through a panic thinking I'd missed my chance and wished I'd woken up to it earlier, but we actually had a plan and were only about 3 years off that anyway on starting to try.

I don't think 20 years together before kids is really that unusual nowadays. Of my childhood friends, there seemed to be two waves: right now a number of my friends have teenagers (born when the parents were in their early 20s) and another bunch have newborns and toddlers (born on closely on either side of 40). And while some of the second wave have only just found (sometimes second) partners, most have been together just as long as the rest.

LittleLionMansMummy · 23/05/2016 15:08

Why is he even still in contact with her if the 'children' are 25/ 30?! I mean I understand that there would be times when their paths cross (births, weddings, funerals) but it's not like he needs constant contact with her for maintenance or contact reasons. I don't get it. Who cares what her reaction is? The children are now adults too, it seems like a bizarre reaction after so long separated.

paxillin · 23/05/2016 15:19

Maybe it is the "kids" claiming mum is upset. Voicing any sort of opinion on the family planning of an Ex of 20 years would be a sure fire way to look bonkers on her part after all.

NannawifeofBaldr · 23/05/2016 15:22

We'd been together 17 years before we had DC.

Ladymuck · 23/05/2016 15:26

But the OP will have essentially been the stepmother to a 5 and 10 yo. It isn't as if a childless couple has decided after 20 years to suddenly have a baby. They'll have presumably had a lot of time together with his children, her stepchildren - that's why it seems a bit unusual.

Original poster
TeaandCake8 · 23/05/2016 15:26

Well I asked for opinions!
Sorry if you feel im drip feeding/ not being honest (really??) but whether you think that or not these are the facts of the matter.

Few things to reply to, they were spilt up when I meet him/ im now 38/ he hasn't had contact with his xw for years / the DC have been the only point of contact & yes they stopped contact when I had my DC (no big stand off just stopped communication)

Many thanks for the replys - it's good to know there are other family's with age differences and (some) of you think I'm NBUR to wonder why xw should b upset after all this time.

I do understand the stand point of can't all be a happy family but like one poster said why can't all be decent about it at least

OP posts:
LittleNelle · 23/05/2016 15:47

But the ex wife hasn't actually done anything has she Confused She's not in contact, you don't know how she feels. Your DP has had a rocky relationship with his adult children for years and they have stopped contact.

frobskottle · 23/05/2016 15:48

I have a friend in a similar situation to the ex wife...although maybe not such a long wait for the child to arrive. She's upset (leading to angry) maybe bitter or cross for her kids is the right way of putting it because her ex seems to be a much better father to the new child and enjoying himself more and now is upset he wasn't like this with her kids and unfortunatly sometimes points this out to them so makes them have some resentment. Think best thing is to leave it all to settle don't force them to meet your son as they'll love him eventually I'm sure if they love their dad but make she he still contacts and meets them even if it's without you two

foodiefil · 23/05/2016 15:50

TeaandCake8 I'm also in an age-gap relationship, my DP has two older teens. I'm worried how they'll react when we have children so have read this thread with interest. I feel like I have a good relationship with them. I care about them both very much and hate the thought of them being upset - I want the big higgledy piggledy family! Nothing's ever perfect though. ExW sounds like a loon. Poor woman not getting over things. The kids will hopefully come round. Enjoy your baby Flowers

Original poster
TeaandCake8 · 23/05/2016 15:56

Fair point Frobskottle & yes hopefully it will settle down & they can enjoy a relationship again...given time. Life is too short

Sorry not to put the name of poster but why is it odd after 20 years to then have a DC? DC aren't always the reason for a relationship surely love is?

As I've stated (couple of times) his been told by his DC his xw is upset , which was my main question as to y

Thank you again for replies

OP posts:
Lelloteddy · 23/05/2016 15:58

What exactly has his Ex wife 'done'?

Do you seriously think that after no issues with contact for many years, adult children are suddenly going to be influenced by their mother about contact with their dad?

Congratulations on your new baby but I would seriously encourage your FH to look at HIS relationship with HIS children and stop blaming his Ex.

Italiangreyhound · 23/05/2016 15:59

Sorry you partner's ex and the kids are not being very nice. There is not much you can do except leave the door open for them. Maybe one day they will their own kids and feel differently.

Just enjoy your child.

Original poster
TeaandCake8 · 23/05/2016 16:16

Foodiefil your comment

I care about them both very much and hate the thought of them being upset -** does sum up feelings. I hope all goes well for you and you can enjoy a higgledy piggledy family - love the idea!

adult children are suddenly going to be influenced by their mother about contact with their dad?

Yep, she still wants absolute control over every aspect of their lives

OP posts:
Dowhatyoulove123 · 23/05/2016 16:17

Teaandcakes, please don't push your stepchildren. I honestly don't think you understand how conflicted they probably feel. Especially if they are of child bearing age themselves.

As for XW - it's not really any of her business if you've been together so long. I feel like your DH needs to concentrate on his relationship with his children and probably put more effort in so they don't feel left out

limon · 23/05/2016 16:31

Ken I was 44 when 8 had my child.

MeMySonAndl · 23/05/2016 16:32

I think it all boils down to inheritance. Simple as that.

They are adults, there have been 20 years since the split, the now adult children may have not liked the situation but after 20 years you would imagine they would have understood their father's partner is now a permanent fixture.

The OP is not married, therefore no inheritance rights, her young child is a financial liability to them.

foodiefil · 23/05/2016 16:38

Control! It will probably be about control. Really screws people up that one. ExW will have felt like she still had some control over him because she was the mother of his children and now that's diminished because you too are now mother to his children (child).

Thank you TeaandCake8 xxx

littledrummergirl · 23/05/2016 16:59

I'm 40, parents divorced when and mum remarried before I was 5. My father remarried and had 2 dc who I never met as father never kept in contact (my Ddad and subs with dm are amazing, I'm very lucky).
My father then divorced 2nd wife.
My youngest dc is 11 and last year I heard on the grapevine my father now has another dc, under a yearShock

Seriously ridiculous situation to be in, should anything happen to father and baby's mother the fallout may well end up on me.
He's a twat.

KittensandKnitting · 23/05/2016 17:19

Good luck OP with your new little one and family. Next time you may find more support on the step-parenting forum, rather than AIBU.

There is an abundance of "what has the ExW done" maybe nothing, maybe lots, maybe it is the children who are "upset" but actually I just waned to say after being on the thread since early on what's absolutely for certain is that you haven't done anything wrong either just decided to have a child after 20 years together, and I hope you have a very happy life together :)

ollieplimsoles · 23/05/2016 17:25

because her ex seems to be a much better father to the new child and enjoying himself more and now is upset he wasn't like this with her kids and unfortunatly sometimes points this out to them so makes them have some resentment

This ^

My dad was useless with us and we had/ have a terrible relationship. He just 'started again' with a new woman, new kids and was dad of the year to them. He's now dumped those kids too.

Its not your fault op but have some sympathy for his other dc, you don't know what resentments they may be habouring

RubbleBubble00 · 23/05/2016 17:28

Suppose I'd be a bit hmm if I was 30 and my dad was having another child esp if I was planning to start a family. You imagine grandparents being a part of it but I'd be wondering how much he wouldn't want to be involved wih a baby of his own.

I think I'd step back a bit and work out how I was feeling

ollieplimsoles · 23/05/2016 17:33

RubbleBubble00

I had to just work it out my head too, my dad's last dc was born when I was 23. I'm 27 now and my six month old dd has a 4 year old uncle Confused

Oldraver · 23/05/2016 17:46

OH was 16 when his parents divorced..he lived with his Dad and his three younger siblings stayed with their Mum.

9 odd years later his Dad started a new family...there is 35 years between OH and his youngest brother...they all get on mostly

His Mum for some unfathomable reason always hated the second wife..its not like she was the OW...perfectly nice woman who has done no harm to the ex. Some people like to hold a grudge

paxillin · 23/05/2016 18:26

It is unusual for grown ups to break off contact without a major blow-up or years of terrible treatment.

It might be uncomfortable to have super young siblings, it might be weird, they might be jealous, but none of that should really cause the end of all communications.

Therefore my money is on greed on part of the grown up children. They kept in contact in the hope of a money source (inheritance or gifts much earlier).

LettingAgentNightmare · 23/05/2016 18:40

I'm in my 30's and would be upset if my Dad had more children now.

He wasn't a great Dad to me and it would upset me if he suddenly became a Dad of the year type to children young enough to be my children.

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