Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

new child - upset X W

146 replies

TeaandCake8 · 23/05/2016 11:51

AIBU? DP was married for 11years they had 2 DC -pregnancy wasn't planned they decided to do right thing & marry to give it ago- but in the end they divorced.

I've been with DP for 20years now & just had our 1st DS together, x w is pissed as hell , his DC have stopped talking to him (admit their relationship has been rocky 4 few years due to stirring by xw) the DC haven't meet our new DS .

I feel terrible his fallen out with his DC , but should it upset his xw after all this time? think it's been a reasonable amount of time they have been spilt up for!

OP posts:
Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 23/05/2016 12:52

His children being upset. I can't come up with any reason for that. I mean they're allegedly mature adults. Not stropy hormonal teenagers.
His wife however. If she's upset that you have had a baby with her ex h. After they've been split up for 20 years. I think that tells anyone, that. She still holds a torch for him, and has never stopped loving him

AndTakeYourPenguinWithYou · 23/05/2016 12:53

No-one is saying that exw is right and he's automatically wrong. Just that there is clearly a lot more to it than what the OP started with.

For one thing, if the kids aren't talking to him, how does he know that the ex is pissed off? Why would you be talking to your ex of 20 years anyway, when there is no practical reason to do so?
And WHY is she pissed off? It's all rather vague.

t4gnut · 23/05/2016 12:59

Oh for goodness sakes. They're all grown ups and need to get a bloody grip.

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 23/05/2016 13:02

And the only child in this is the baby. The baby doesn't need to grow up with ADULT siblings who resent him and also their toxic mother who is pissed off about his existence. They all need to get a grip.

foodiefil · 23/05/2016 13:05

Have you never had a relationship with his kids?

I can understand feelings of insecurity when a new half brother/sister comes along but not displaying them in this way. That's totally out of order and unusual.

Original poster
TeaandCake8 · 23/05/2016 13:11

Quick back story- they spilt, he saw the DC every weekend, he supported them through university & up to last year when they stopped contact. It was through them DP gathered xw was upset.

Yes they are old enough to make their own minds up re contact ...Xw is very much involved in their adult life's still, however as they don't talk to him now there's no firm reason been explained as to why.

OP posts:
Nousernameforme · 23/05/2016 13:11

Actually I think whether or not she is the OW and the circumstances around the beginning of her relationship and the end of her husbands previous one have a lot to do with the op's original question.

Which was, so far as i can make out, AIBU to think after 20 years Dh's exw should have gotten over them splitting? Now in a normal ended relationship YANBU.
However one in which the love of her life and a young woman ran off together leaving her with 2 children and a shed ton of shame at being the source of the local gossip, which having been lived down once has probably now all been brought up again YABU to think she should get over it.
Adult child wise I'm 33 and if either of my separated parents announced they were having a baby i would find it a bit grim and embarrassing regardless of the situation but would probably come around. So perhaps keep the door open for them and give them time.

Dowhatyoulove123 · 23/05/2016 13:20

As someone who's dad has just had a baby, it can be really really difficult for adult children to connect with (in my case) half siblings. I'm pregnant at the moment and the whole thing is a little odd as there will be 6 months between my baby and my half sibling. I'm 27 btw for context.

I don't really have anything to do with my Half siblings due to my relationship with my dad and I think I find it pretty hard to connect as a 'sibling' as I'm old enough to be their parent. I'm not sure if you've ever considered this side of it..

paxillin · 23/05/2016 13:23

New children can upset ExW/ExH. Even a long time after a divorce. It can be quite irrational, her status as mother of his children is no longer unique, she might be worried about inheritance (as might the adult kids), they might have hoped for help with buying a house or weddings and dad's money is now needed to raise a new family. They have of course no right to such expectations, but maybe they nonetheless had them.

Count your lucky stars they are grown up, unless there is a huge back story they may well make contact again soon (especially if money was what they wanted, no contact, 0 money after all). Enjoy your baby and concentrate on your new family Flowers.

AyeAmarok · 23/05/2016 13:26

I'm not sure everyone involved here is/has been honest...

ThenLaterWhenItGotDark · 23/05/2016 13:32

So they stopped contact with their father when you became pregnant?

At best they are embarrassed by a bloke in his 50s starting a family again I guess.

How did you find out the ex is annoyed? Why does he still have any contact with her?

murmuration · 23/05/2016 13:41

Something like this happened in my extended family. Some 10 years after his divorce, a distant cousin met a younger woman (he was in his 40s, she 20s) and married. That was a scandal, I guess because of the age difference (she was about the same age as his first kids), and then when she had a baby another 5-6 years or so later it was another outpouring of horrified reaction. I never understood it, as it seemed just some kind of weird huffiness regarding what the proper age difference for love is, and you shouldn't have a 'do over' for raising children or something, never mind that they were all well adults by then. A few years later, however, when the whole new family went missing for a over a week in a natural disaster (they lived abroad), everyone was concerned including the elder sibs and it appeared all the judginess had disappeared.

So, OP, you can probably be reassured there's some distant cousin somewhere who thinks everything's fine, and also there is a likelihood things will settle down in a few years when things aren't so fresh.

squeaver · 23/05/2016 13:41

Don't you have a relationship with these grown-up kids? After all, you've known them for 20 years.

I know a couple of people who have had a hard time, as an adult, adjusting to a new half-sibling. I think it's a bit like when people get divorced when their kids are in their 20s - it still affects them.

eminthebigsmoke · 23/05/2016 13:42

I think DoWhatYouLove's point is the key. It's a weird position to be in to be grown up and have a baby half-sibling come on the scene. There is definitely a feeling of obligation to develop a relationship, but the conditions aren't really right for it because your own parents are either split up or bereaved, and the age gap means you might never share any common ground.

I think the Ex-W's reaction could be linked to how she thinks her children might feel. As others have said you will just have to let it simmer away in the background and wait for them to find their own way to come around to the idea.

eddielizzard · 23/05/2016 14:00

does sound weird.

i think your step kids need time to get used to the idea. bit of a shock for them probably. step back, let them know you're there if they need you. can't really do anything about the ex wife. she'll get used to it in time too...

20 years for you to be together and then to have a baby, everyone's used to thinking of you as childless.

AndTakeYourPenguinWithYou · 23/05/2016 14:11

So everything was just fine until recently?

Except in the OP: his DC have stopped talking to him (admit their relationship has been rocky 4 few years due to stirring by xw its been bad for years and its all her fault.

Way more to this than being said.

MrsBertBibby · 23/05/2016 14:14

My son has not just adult half siblings but a niece and nephew (his sister's) who were primary school age when he was born. I don't imagine their mum was thrilled, but everyone has behaved perfectly nicely, and my son adores his nephew and niece, who in turn are very sweet to their 'little uncle'.

His big brothers are less interested, but perfectly nice to him, more so as he's now at secondary school so generally more fun for them. Their mum was also perfectly nice to him when they met a few times.

There's nothing hard about behaving decently.

MrsBertBibby · 23/05/2016 14:15

Srry, 'their mum' meant his dad's ex. His sister and he get on fine.

Bogeyface · 23/05/2016 14:29

I dont see why so many people are calling BS.

Couple get PG at 19, get married. Baby comes along when they are 20, second baby at 25. At 30 they get divorced after 11 years of marriage. He meets OP, lets say she was 20.

Now he is 50, she is 40 and they have just had their first child, hardly unusual.

And the same with the ex. My ex MIL was vicious in her hatred of her ex husband and his wife 20 + years later. She sent them threats, abusive letters, all sorts. She wouldnt let the kids tell their dad where they lived, refused access when she had a strop on and did try to poison them against him. It happens!

Bogeyface · 23/05/2016 14:31

Also, the amount of threads I saw on wedding forums when H and I were getting married where parents who had been divorced for 30 odd years were refusing to be in the same room as each other on their own childs wedding day. Its ridiculous, but as I say, it happens.

Kenduskeag · 23/05/2016 14:36

"Now he is 50, she is 40 and they have just had their first child, hardly unusual."

I don't know, isn't this a bit unusual? He's done the two kids thing - let's remember "pregnancy unplanned but got married anyway" which sounds like the usual mantra of 'I never wanted kids anyway' men trot out after leaving their wives - so what's made him suddenly decide 50 is a cracking age to have a third? A couple being childless for 20 years suddenly change their minds? An ex-wife cares after 20 years (and yes, good point - if there's no contact how would you even know her feelings on the matter?)

This could quite possibly be an entirely plausible story but it's a bit drip-feedy. If they know the ex-wife is upset, what words did she use? She's had 20 years to begrudge the new girlfriend, seems odd to do it now.

defunctedusername · 23/05/2016 14:38

Everyone here is an adult. Why is the ex wife even relevant, why is she even mentioned. DH has to repair his relationship with his adult children directly, he has know then all their lives so unless there is skeletons is should be possible. Leave the ex wife out of it.

MoonfaceAndSilky · 23/05/2016 14:41

I feel terrible his fallen out with his DC , but should it upset his xw after all this time? think it's been a reasonable amount of time they have been spilt up for!

The XW seems a bit odd, I wouldn't waste any more time thinking about her. As for your DP's kids - they are adults, they may come around to the idea but if not don't worry about it. Enjoy your new baby Flowers

paxillin · 23/05/2016 14:41

I think there can be a financial aspect to this. We have one like this in the wider family, many 20- or 30 something get quite a lot of money from their parents for a house, a wedding, the grandchildren.

They might have been full of hope for all sorts of help, but of course now dad has started over again, there won't be as much money for 20 years.

ricketytickety · 23/05/2016 14:52

They could be using mum as an excuse and really it's them that are pissed off he's had another child. Why? Do they feel he didn't father them the way they wanted? Why are they angry their father has had another child? Is it a financial thing eg they wanted to inherit/borrow money off your dp but now they see that can't be done because he has a very young child?
I'd forget about the ex wife thing, it's them who are pissed off. What has your dh said about it?

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread