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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex husband rewashing all the DC's clothes

142 replies

HollysStupidHair · 23/05/2016 09:19

The DC wear clothes home from ex husbands house. I wash, fold, bag them and send them back the next time they go.

DD mentioned that she hadn't been able to wear a top to a disco as it was wet. I said well I sent it back dry why was it wet, she sheepishly said 'the clothes all get washed again when we take them back'

I phoned ex and asked him if he was rewashing the clothes, he said yes. I asked if there was a problem with my washing? He said 'I don't really see why it matters to you, its not you re-washing them it's not really any of your business'

I think it is my business since the only reason to re-wash clean clothes is if you are making some kind of judgement as to how they've been washed in the first place.

AIBU to just send the clothes back unwashed from now on? What a massive waste of time!

OP posts:
BillBrysonsBeard · 23/05/2016 13:00

It is weird OP and his replies sound twattish, but don't think anymore of it. Just don't waste your effort from now on.

LookJustCancelTheCheque · 23/05/2016 13:04

Didn't he care that his DD couldn't wear her top? Did she mention that to him, or just keep quiet and mention it only to you?

He shouldn't be point-scoring with you, especially not if it impacts on the DC like this.

memyselfandaye · 23/05/2016 13:06

OP Aren't you glad you don't have to live with an arsehole like that anymore? Grin

WorraLiberty · 23/05/2016 13:07

I know I'm reading between the lines, but his replies make me think that he thinks you're a bit of a pain in the arse?

And I agree that the kids probably wouldn't notice, even with the wet top she might have just assumed it was a mistake.

I really think you need to move on and try to forget this.

cannotlogin · 23/05/2016 13:16

I wash all clothes that come back from my ex when they are no longer fit to wear I might add I don't know why I do it really. It just seems like the right thing to do. It's no reflection on him. I just throw stuff out of the plastic bag and into the wash. Confused

DancingHippo · 23/05/2016 13:31

How old are the DC OP? You said your DD wanted a top for a disco so I am presuming they are of an age where they are quite capable of choosing their own clothes?

I think it's rather fucked up that they are being made to change clothes as soon as they step foot in their father's house, and from clothes that they want to wear as well.

That is a much bigger issue than him re-washing clean clothes and I would be thinking about it quite a bit!

2ticks · 23/05/2016 13:36

You don't think that the DC will grow up thinking its a bit weird that their dad immediately re-washed clean clothes just because they came from their mothers house?

Yes, they may well think it's a bit weird. However that is not within your control, and is between them and him. If your dc want to wear something that you are sending back with them that has been washed, then they will have to let their Dad know, and talk to him about it. They may also think it's a bit weird if you choose to send them back with a bag of dirty clothes. That one is up to you. You have to do what you feel is right for you - you have zero control over what he is going to do.

OutToGetYou · 23/05/2016 13:42

I must be the only person in the world who doesn't notice/can't smell fabric conditioner/detergent etc on clothes.

Anyway, dss asked us to use different detergent because his mum didn't like the smell of ours. I assumed he was joking so just laughed and said no, we just buy the Aldi basic one, and that's the one we will keep buying. Apparently it has to be some tip top brand followed by some tip top conditioner stuff to make them smell 'nice' - well, we spend about £3 a month on laundry detergent and I'm not changing that to £10 a week.
I bet the daft woman uses those ironing sprays too.

I certainly wouldn't be washing something I knew someone else was going to wash anyway. So I would definitely send them back unwashed.

It was a bit mean of him since it made his dd unable to wear the top she wanted for the disco, he should have checked first when things would be needed.

justmyview · 23/05/2016 13:43

I think you should wash clothes. If he wants to wash them again, that's a matter for him. Don't give him the satisfaction of saying he HAS to wash them because you always send the children to him with dirty clothes.

plantsitter · 23/05/2016 13:45

Was he ever a bit obsessive when you were with him? Maybe he's developing OCD (like proper OCD not the exaggeration kind)?

1horatio · 23/05/2016 14:02

Look, if you stop washing the clothes it's obvious to everybody that he has to wash them, so why would your kids be confused about it or feel like he was implying anything about you...?

So, I guess that's all you can do? So just pretend it's normal.

StarlingMurmuration · 23/05/2016 14:23

I have a friend with a little boy who's a bit older than my little boy, and she sometimes gives me hand-me-downs for DS, and I always wash them. I'm sure she gives them to me clean, but I still like to wash them myself. It's certainly not a judgement on her cleanliness or standards. It's just that I prefer to do it myself.

StormyBlue · 23/05/2016 14:24

It does seem slightly hostile towards you, yes. Although it is probably that he has negative connotations with your smell and doesn't want negative connotations with the way his DD smells, and I can sort of understand that as well. Maybe your DD will remember him for it and roll her eyes when she is an adult, or maybe she won't since it (I don't mean this rudely) isn't that big of a deal. There isn't much you can do but I can understand your irritation.

allnewredfairy · 23/05/2016 14:33

It's only a problem if you make it one OP. He's not complained about re-washing has he? So he can't be making a judgement about you...
I always re-washed the stuff I got back when DD went to her dads because it just didn't smell familiar.

WalkingBlind · 23/05/2016 16:35

I do this. Everyone's house has a certain smell and I happen to despise the one from my ex's parents (I don't mind his at all but theirs makes me gag!) I ask over and over to send things home unwashed but she thinks she's doing me a favour and I'm being polite Confused I can't tell them I hate the way they smell so rewash everything. My DD's uniforms are ruined. I think this will be solved by sending it unwashed if he's like me that would actually be a god send. It won't be the way you wash them he just won't like the smell of your house lol

wheresthel1ght · 23/05/2016 17:33

To be fair I rewash everything that comes back from my dscs mum because it smells clean but is always filthy! I have no idea what she does Confused

KittensandKnitting · 23/05/2016 18:35

Febrezze maybe??

wheresthel1ght · 23/05/2016 18:41

Kittens nope it is all pristinely ironed! She has sent stuff back still wet before with an apology that isn't not dry. She can't use wash liquid/powder cos seriously stuff is more dirty when it comes back than it was when they went home wearing it

My mil used to joke and I thought she was being a bit mean but actually she was massively understating it!!

KittensandKnitting · 23/05/2016 18:46

Hand washing/quick wash maybe?

its one of life's mysteries I guess :) that will have me thinking for a while I really need to get out of this house

wheresthel1ght · 23/05/2016 18:58

Haha indeed!!

She irons though which I refuse to do seeing as how it ends up screwed up on the floor!

Janecc · 23/05/2016 19:48

He sounds very uncooperative.
I would probably wash them and not iron them. But it's not u to send clothes back unwashed.

I would tell DD that if she wants something specific shortly after she sees you to leave it at his house and pack something different.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 23/05/2016 20:16

This is the only thing that my now adult step children have ever raised with me as an issue.

Their dad had huge issues with certain smells and one of them was the detergent his ex used so everything from hers used to be re washed.

I feel really bad about it now because all 3 of the children from the same household have at different times said it made them feel like dad thought they were dirty when ever they were in the place they spent most of their time and they all percieved it as a dig against their (quite lovely) mother.

I really do wish I had told him to stop being such a ridiculous fool.

Could you not just send them back wearing the clothes for dads so at least there is a point to him washing them?

nonladyofleisure · 24/05/2016 19:27

I rewash all of my sons clothes when he returns yes they have been washed but then left in a house that has 60 a day smoked in them... So they smell like an ashtray... X

LettingAgentNightmare · 24/05/2016 19:39

Barry so you re wash and that's fine, but he re washes and he's petty Confused

mysteriousbat · 24/05/2016 19:42

Same as nonladyofleisure my ex and his gf smoke and I cannot bear the smell of clothes that come back from his house so i rewash. Actually, even the stuff that hasnt had time to pick up the smell I don't like the smell of so rewash it. I very much dought my 6 year old even notices tbh