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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex husband rewashing all the DC's clothes

142 replies

HollysStupidHair · 23/05/2016 09:19

The DC wear clothes home from ex husbands house. I wash, fold, bag them and send them back the next time they go.

DD mentioned that she hadn't been able to wear a top to a disco as it was wet. I said well I sent it back dry why was it wet, she sheepishly said 'the clothes all get washed again when we take them back'

I phoned ex and asked him if he was rewashing the clothes, he said yes. I asked if there was a problem with my washing? He said 'I don't really see why it matters to you, its not you re-washing them it's not really any of your business'

I think it is my business since the only reason to re-wash clean clothes is if you are making some kind of judgement as to how they've been washed in the first place.

AIBU to just send the clothes back unwashed from now on? What a massive waste of time!

OP posts:

TheSockGoblin · 23/05/2016 09:45

Oh cross-post.

Well maybe he is being territorial about clothing then. But again his issue not yours..let him wash the clothes.

BlueFolly · 23/05/2016 09:45

If I generally washed clothes before I sent them back to him I wouldn't suddenly stop doing that as a result of this or you risk your DD feeling like she has caused a problem by telling you.

I wouldn't take what he's doing as a comment on how I'd washed the clothes unless I'd actually hand washed them.

Micah · 23/05/2016 09:46

Yep, don't wash them.

I rewash/rinse SD clothes as her mum uses a lot of detergent/softener. They smell very very strongly and I dislike it. It's not brand, it's the overpowering smell.

cakedup · 23/05/2016 09:46

I must admit I do this when DS stays with my mum and sends back washed clothes. I just don't like the way her house smells which transfers on to the clothes. She is a smoker, and although she smokes out of the window as a non-smoker I can detect the slightest whiff of cigarette smoke. She also sometimes uses those E cigarette things which I hate the smell of. On top of that, she uses way too much fabric conditioner (which I don't like the smell of) and uses those horrible artificial automatic room spray things. All of those smells transfer on to DS' clothes.

On top of that, I am a bit OCD very fussy about certain things, so if for example, she has put the clean laundry on the sofa, I don't like to put it away in his draws where I need to feel it's absolutely clean, not where it's been on the sofa where every man and their dog have been sitting on.

BillSykesDog · 23/05/2016 09:47

If he had made an issue of it and told you I could see the problem. Then he might have been trying to make some point to you. But he didn't so it's not worth worrying about. If he wants to do it that's up to him. I think it should only really be a problem if he's actually saying to you that it's not good enough.

gamerchick · 23/05/2016 09:47

And so I smelt of dog, smoke and innocence I wouldn't mind smelling of innocence.

Just send them back unwashed OP. I tend to stick clothes straight in the washer when they've come from the exs. His house is jumping though.

Fourormore · 23/05/2016 09:47

You're assuming it's a judgement. It probably isn't.

BarryTheKestrel · 23/05/2016 09:48

Both DM and MIL wash DDs clothes when she is there. The second she comes home they go back in the wash as I can't stand the smell of those bloody lenor unstoppables they are both addicted to and I have washing powder allergies. I've asked them to not bother, they still do it every time. I know they are trying to save me a job but they aren't.

I do think he's just being petty though. Send them back unwashed :)

AdoraBell · 23/05/2016 09:48

Yep, just send them back unwashed and don't let it get To you. As others have said it might be something as simple as the perfume in the washing powder.

Personally I was always temped to wash step son's stuff when he visited because his DM's house had a wierd smell, despiste her being clean, non smoking and no pets. I never did though because I didn't want step son to feel awkward.

Original poster

HollysStupidHair · 23/05/2016 09:49

Four, if I redo something you've already done wouldn't you think I had a problem with the way you'd done it in the first place?

OP posts:

MulberryWilllow23 · 23/05/2016 09:50

I wash my stepson's clothes that come from his mothers as they smell of smoke/damp. As soon as we collect him I can smell the clothes and it makes me cough.

Fourormore · 23/05/2016 09:51

No, not necessarily.
This is just so not a big deal, I think if YABU about anything it's how much time you're wasting on it.

NannawifeofBaldr · 23/05/2016 09:55

My very lovely friend gives me clothes for my DC that her's have grown out of.

The bag of clothes us of course clean when she sends them to me. I always reward them, her washing power is very strong and smells (as a pp said) 'wrong'.

If my DC accidentally leave something at Grandmas when we visit she'll generally wash it before returning it. It's very kind of her and I appreciate it. I still rewash it before it goes in the children's drawers.

I love both these women dearly. It is no reflection on their standards, hygiene or anything else. I just like my DC's clothes to smell like "our house".

Your ex may well be an arse but this behaviour isn't necessarily arsey.

If your DD wants to wear something to a specific event she needs to learn to say to her Dad, "please don't wash that, I want to wear it tomorrow".

Oldraver · 23/05/2016 09:58

Just send them back unwashed and dont engage

Though, if your chopping and changing you washing powder depending on the cheapest it could be that they smell heavily of washing powder...most stink horribly...even non-bio

paxillin · 23/05/2016 10:04

Just send them back wearing the clothes from his house.

TheSockGoblin · 23/05/2016 10:04

But even if he did have a problem with the way you wash clothes whny is it your problem?

Is your self-esteem all tied up in being considered a fantastic clothing washer by your ex-husband?

Being a little silly there but do you get my point? It's not like he actually said anything to you, the children told you, he doesn't seem to have been planning on letting you know that for whatever reason he wants to wash them again.

And he is right, it is your assumption he thinks there is a problem with how you wash clothes, not anytihng he has said.

Really, at the end of the day, does it matter if your ex maybe does or maybe doesn't think you are crap at washing clothing? You know the clothes are clean and folded.

Is there other stuff mixed up in this? Do you feel judged by him for the way you parent generally?

SoupDragon · 23/05/2016 10:04

I have to re-wash clothes that come back for XHs house because they stink of detergent/softener. I really really hate it.

I wouldn't expect him to make a fuss about it though as its none of his business, thus it really isn't any of yours what your XH does.

LillianGish · 23/05/2016 10:05

I think your answer is in many of these replies - astonished how many people would re-wash clean clothes - but obviously it is a thing and none of these posters mean anything by it. I would see it as a bonus and save yourself a job.

GoblinLittleOwl · 23/05/2016 10:08

Send them back unwashed, but what a stupid, childish thing your husband is doing; the key is in your daughter saying 'sheepishly' about being unable to wear her clothes because they are wet. Deliberately creating a division.
And be prepared to be called dirty for not washing the clothes.

PurpleDaisies · 23/05/2016 10:09

The best way to deal with most annoying situations with an ex is to start by deciding "is this something that is really worth having a fight over"? I'm struggling to think of a reason to pursue this one.

Send the clothes unwashed. Don't let him get to you.

EDisFunny · 23/05/2016 10:09

I'm with SoupDragon, I reward everything that. Comes back from my ex as he uses heavily perfumed products that make me sick and irritate the children's skin.

It's none of my ex's business, I simply wouldn't engage in any conversation with him about it.

bluejasmin · 23/05/2016 10:10

My Dsd's mum does this to me , she's told me her mum makes a huge deal of my washing smelling funny and that I make things out of shape or don't wash socks properly . Bless her she always says my washing is fine and she doesn't know what her mums on about but it's just her way of putting me down .
It used to really get on my nerves but I just let it go now as if she wants to re wash then it's her time wasted not mine .

user1463231665 · 23/05/2016 10:10

He may just wash everything including clean things as he cannot be bothered to sort them out. It is like my son after a holidya - what needs to be washed from your case; oh everything... meaning I cannot be bothered to check....

I've never considered washing clothes wears them out and restricted the amount of washing of them.

Smokers are the biggest bug bear. I don't think my children would be prepared to stay in a house where anyone smoked.

blindsider · 23/05/2016 10:11

Sounds like a plonker - I would have been enormously grateful to have kids returned with washed clothes.

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 23/05/2016 10:13

Send them back unwashed.

If he's asked you to do the washing and then rewashes it then he is messing you about. But if he hasn't asked you and you do it anyway, then he isn't messing you about because he didn't ask you to do it.
As much as it's a nice thing on your part, he didn't ask you to do it. I don't think he's being awkward tbh, unless like I say, he asked you do the washing.

Going forward just send them back unwashed and if he moans about that then well, you clearly can't win and it would just make him a prat, but at least you'll have saved your time and washing powder!

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