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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it's ok to be naked in front of your teens?

904 replies

Blackearlgrey · 22/05/2016 08:12

DP and I have always been very carefree about nakedness and as our DC (all girls) have got older I have picked up that they're no longer all totally happy about this. Recently this has come to a head with the youngest (18) saying that she really doesn't like seeing her dad wander round without clothes on. He's a bit resistant to changing his habits--he exercises every morning, then puts his sweaty gym kit in the wash, before working his way to the shower in the altogether. Our other two, who are older, are a bit more relaxed about it, in fact the oldest one says she's glad this was our practice, so that she knew from an early age what adult bodies looked like. (I can identify with that, as I didn't know until several years after I DTD for the first time!) I've been happy to try to avoid the DC seeing me without clothes on if it makes them feel uncomfortable, but AIBU to think that as this is our home, me and DP are entitled to live as we choose. NB. No nakedness in communal areas when we have house guests of course.

I'm guessing I'm going to get responses from all parts of the spectrum here, from "It's no problem, everyone in the family gets their kit off at the earliest opportunity" right the way through to "Actually, I have never seen my husband's body with the light on". But interested to see what the overall view is. AIBU?

OP posts:
corythatwas · 22/05/2016 10:16

FutureGadgetsLab Sun 22-May-16 10:05:09

"Cory my personal feelings are that public nudity should be legal, as they aren't, those things are likely being done with the intent to offend."

Ok, and what are the intentions of a father who refuses to deal with a problem that makes his 18yo daughter uncomfortable and would require minimal effort on his part?

AlmostStace · 22/05/2016 10:17

As with almost any household dispute, compromise is the answer.

He respects her feelings enough to not walk around in the buff all day.

She respects the entirely sensible wish to not dirty clothes or towels unnecessarily by putting them on his sweaty body for the short time it takes to get from the washing machine to the shower/bedroom once a day.

It really needn't be a big deal. As a PP has said, he can even bellow "Naked Dad coming through!" as he goes and make a joke out of it so she has fair warning.

She is at a awkward age nudity-wise, for sure. And it's his house. Both valid points. So compromise.

FutureGadgetsLab · 22/05/2016 10:17

Walking to the shower doesn't take long Augusta.

JorahTheExplorer · 22/05/2016 10:18

bastards because when two people clash, the illogical one should back down.

But who's definition of illogical are we using here? Because your definition and the definition of many on this thread appear to completely different.

FutureGadgetsLab · 22/05/2016 10:19

Explorer the majority agreeing doesn't make it logical.

Cory his intentions are to walk around naked. You could say he's not considering the feelings of others. But he may have considered them and decided they are not relevant.

OutToGetYou · 22/05/2016 10:22

Being carefree and naked when they're kids is one thing, but 18 is adult, so it needs to stop. Especially if she's uncomfortable.

Can't believe it's an issue for him. Buy a dressing gown.

Myinlawsdidthisthebastards · 22/05/2016 10:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

corythatwas · 22/05/2016 10:23

FutureGadgetsLab Sun 22-May-16 10:10:28

"because when two people clash, the illogical one should back Down"

The friend I mentioned above, the one who had been abused, felt extremely uncomfortable about seeing any nudity on the part of her family members after that. Illogical, no doubt: they weren't going to hurt her. So her feelings didn't matter?

Logic isn't everything. As a parent I don't want my children to run the roost, but I do want them to feel comfortable and safe in their home. If there is a small thing I can do easily, which does not upset me but which means a lot to them, of course I will do it. Being able to prove that I am right doesn't matter more to me than my children's happiness. Why should it- logically? If I give way out of kindness, it won't make me any less or more right, will it? So logically giving up on proving my point takes nothing from me and gives something to them.

OutToGetYou · 22/05/2016 10:23

Why can't he just take his sweaty stuff off in the bathroom anyway?

HermioneJeanGranger · 22/05/2016 10:23

I can't believe people are defending the "rights" of an adult man to wander around naked when it makes his young daughter uncomfortable. She shouldn't have to hide away from the communal spaces in her home just so she doesn't see her dad in the nude!

OP, if your DH wants to be naked, he can be naked in his bedroom. It's not fair to parade around the house with your bits out when it clearly makes other people (especially your own child) so uncomfortable she felt the need to speak out about it.

Why would he want to make his own child hide away in her own home? She should be able to wander around her house knowing she won't see her dad's penis flapping around in the hallway!

Sallystyle · 22/05/2016 10:24

I often walk around naked, if I'm going to my room from the shower or need to go downstairs because I forgot someone from the drier or whatever.

My teen son is now uncomfortable with it so if he is around I cover up. I respect his feelings and it takes seconds for me to cover up with a towel when he is at home.

GinAndSonic · 22/05/2016 10:25

She is not consenting to see him naked. He needs to wear clothes. At least boxers. For fucks sake.

Myinlawsdidthisthebastards · 22/05/2016 10:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AugustaFinkNottle · 22/05/2016 10:26

Walking to the shower doesn't take long Augusta.

But the OP's first post strongly suggests that her husband doesn't do that, Future. He wanders around naked and works his way to the shower.

And you're ignoring my question about why it wouldn't be easier for her DH to wait till he gets to the bathroom before taking his clothes off.

Aussiemum78 · 22/05/2016 10:29

She's an adult, it's entirely inappropriate for him to walk around naked.

And unnecessary.

corythatwas · 22/05/2016 10:30

Cory his intentions are to walk around naked. You could say he's not considering the feelings of others. But he may have considered them and decided they are not relevant"

And if his teens decide his feelings are not relevant- is that fine too? Because there are plenty of things I wouldn't want to see or hear from my teens and this is a happy household precisely because they respect that.

Nothing wrong with them having loud sex on the living room settee, of course: sex is natural and they are both over the age of consent. They could easily argue for the logic of that. But I wouldn't be comfortable hearing it, so discretion is employed to spare my feelings.

The point is that our feelings matter equally.

whois · 22/05/2016 10:31

You can be naked in bathroom and bedroom by no 18 year old girl wants to see her fathers dangly bits as he struts from the washing machine to the shower. Put some boxers on FFS.

TheUnsullied · 22/05/2016 10:31

Well he's setting a horrible example to her of how men should behave, isn't he? Something he can easily not do has made her uncomfortable and his response equates to "tough shit, it's my house".

I'm guessing he curbs this for guests so that he doesn't make them uncomfortable? Despite it being easier for a guest to leave than it would be for his DD to leave home? Would he think it was alright if his DD moved into a shared house and the male occupants went around naked despite your DD's protests?

Being naked in any situation is fine...providing everyone around you is fine with it! It's about mutual respect and personal boundaries. Your DH should have learned this a long time ago but instead he's taking the "my shlong isn't offensive and I'll get it out whenever I like but only if I'm comfortable "

FutureGadgetsLab · 22/05/2016 10:33

Augusta it's irrelevant if it would be easier. His nakedness harms no one. It offends someone. That's different.

Cory I suppose it depends how much it distresses her? I assume OPs DD isn't in tears over this more mildly annoyed.

Only1scoop · 22/05/2016 10:33

Op stop being your DH cheerleader....

Use your pom-poms to hide his tackle.

Your dd feelings should get your vote.

AugustaFinkNottle · 22/05/2016 10:33

Explorer the majority agreeing doesn't make it logical.

When the whole of society accepts that we don't wander round naked in public, I think it does make it pretty logical.

You could say he's not considering the feelings of others. But he may have considered them and decided they are not relevant.

You can't just decide to ignore the feelings of your children, and the suggestion that you can do so because you in your wisdom decide that they are "not relevant" is incredibly patronising. Suppose children tell their parents that they don't like them using racist language, or kicking the cat, or getting drunk and incapable every night - is it OK for the parents to decide that that isn't relevant and ignore them?

JorahTheExplorer · 22/05/2016 10:33

He's aware his nakedness makes her feel uncomfortable and is continuing to do it anyway. That makes making her uncomfortable an intentional act. Not his sole intention by any means. But as he is aware that the DD being uncomfortable is the end result from her seeing his cock it is intentional, not to mention incredibly selfish.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 22/05/2016 10:34

Future I think you're getting a rough ride a lot on MN because you don't caveat your opinion with the facts that you have Aspergers. Maybe you shouldn't have too, but if you don't, it's very difficult for anyone to understand how you've got such emotionless opinions. You could maybe make life easier for yourself if you mentioned it before? Then people might not try to change your mind and you can deal with the emotions of your children b when they are older. It's entirely up to you of course.

As for this... I just don't think it's necessary to upset your children like this. Why would you want to make someone uncomfortable? The idea of him running is worse, somehow. I don't want to see him walk around naked, and he's not my dad! Generally the only naked bodies you want to see are the people you're attracted too.

corythatwas · 22/05/2016 10:34

Should add: if there is one sure way of making your teenagers rebel against you and go non contact in later life, it is telling them that "I have considered your feelings and they are not relevant". The logical answer to that is "I have considered your feelings about ever wanting to see me or speak to me again and decided they are not relevant- goodbye".

shiveringhiccup · 22/05/2016 10:35

This isn't about prudishness, whose house it is, or learning about the adult body.

This is about her father exposing his genitals when she has very clearly said NO.

You are teaching her that her no means nothing.

This is not ok. Why is your DP unable to respect your daughter?