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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it's ok to be naked in front of your teens?

904 replies

Blackearlgrey · 22/05/2016 08:12

DP and I have always been very carefree about nakedness and as our DC (all girls) have got older I have picked up that they're no longer all totally happy about this. Recently this has come to a head with the youngest (18) saying that she really doesn't like seeing her dad wander round without clothes on. He's a bit resistant to changing his habits--he exercises every morning, then puts his sweaty gym kit in the wash, before working his way to the shower in the altogether. Our other two, who are older, are a bit more relaxed about it, in fact the oldest one says she's glad this was our practice, so that she knew from an early age what adult bodies looked like. (I can identify with that, as I didn't know until several years after I DTD for the first time!) I've been happy to try to avoid the DC seeing me without clothes on if it makes them feel uncomfortable, but AIBU to think that as this is our home, me and DP are entitled to live as we choose. NB. No nakedness in communal areas when we have house guests of course.

I'm guessing I'm going to get responses from all parts of the spectrum here, from "It's no problem, everyone in the family gets their kit off at the earliest opportunity" right the way through to "Actually, I have never seen my husband's body with the light on". But interested to see what the overall view is. AIBU?

OP posts:
molyholy · 22/05/2016 09:38

Omg. Yes. He should cover up. Can't believe people think your dd is being precious. I can't think of anything worse than seeing your dad walking about with Steven and the Twins on show. It's fucking gross.

FutureGadgetsLab · 22/05/2016 09:38

Yes. I have Asperger's. Posted about it on here a few times.

Only1scoop · 22/05/2016 09:38

Future

Jump ahead in time you find, yourselves in this situation with your ds feeling uncomfortable around your nakedness and he confides this in you.

What do you do?

FutureGadgetsLab · 22/05/2016 09:40

I'd tell him not to look. I'd respect his feelings by wearing a dressing gown when going into his room (his room his rules) but I wouldn't stop walking to the shower naked.

I would tell him I was going to do it though so he had time to remove himself from the situation.

sepa · 22/05/2016 09:40

To people who say the dad should continue with his junk out, would you be happy to go to your parents house and see them naked? - genuine question

Myinlawsdidthisthebastards · 22/05/2016 09:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Spartak · 22/05/2016 09:42

Would it really be that much of an inconvenience to him to take his sweaty gym clothes off in the bathroom? It's hardly a huge imposition or effort for the sake of his child.

FutureGadgetsLab · 22/05/2016 09:42

Sepa I wouldn't care. I don't see nakedness as a problem.

Janeymoo50 · 22/05/2016 09:43

He walks around naked in front of teen daughters?? He knows they feel uncomfortable. What a knob.

FutureGadgetsLab · 22/05/2016 09:43

Bastards I know that. I don't think that's "right" though. I think it's daft.

He's too young to know yet.

HooplaLoopla1 · 22/05/2016 09:43

Am I really the only person wondering why he needs to strip off, put the washing on, then got to shower? Could he not, go to the bathroom, strip off, shower then put the washing on?

JorahTheExplorer · 22/05/2016 09:43

Explorer because logically there is nothing wrong with nudity.

So by that logic I wouldn't have grounds to feel uncomfortable with, say, my driving instructor turning up to my lesson naked then? After all there is nothing logically wrong with nakedness and only logical feelings should be respected.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 22/05/2016 09:44

Hmm.

It's his house but she's your daughter and she lives there too. It is completely understandable that she doesn't want to see her fathers genitals and I'm amazed she's made it to 18 without mentioning this - she's probably felt like it for a while now.

Its a tough one but if your DH was naked in front of a stranger who didn't want him to be, he'd be guilty of indecent exposure at least. As a society, we've deemed it appropriate to cover up in general.

I also think it's a bit sad that it's more important for him to walk around naked than for his daughter to be comfortable. If someone was uncomfortable with me being naked, I'd get dressed in a heartbeat.

Like most situations in life, this requires logic and emotion.

I think if he carries on being naked around her, he's sending a clear signal that his preference for nudity is more important than his relationship with her and that could damage the relationship indefinitely. I'd imagine she'll move out as soon as she can and she won't forget that he wouldn't cover up for her.

LadyReuleaux · 22/05/2016 09:44

Social constructs are real though.

There is nothing "logically" wrong with nudity but actually, because private parts are private and not supposed to be shown to everyone, people do find them upsetting. That social construct is also law - if a man gets his willy out and waves it at an 18yo against her wishes in any other setting, he could be prosecuted for exposing himself.

The social construct arises from stuff that is logical and does make sense. Genitals and excretory organs are generally kept hidden and are taboo hidden because they are associated with uncleanness and germs (totally logically). Unwanted sexual approaches are seen as wrong (totally logical) so the social construct says you don't show your bits to people who don't want to see them.

So there is something wrong with nudity, in specific contexts.

If you ignored anything that is an illogical social construct, you couldn't function in society, you'd be behind bars pretty soon.

I probably have mild ASD myself and I see what myinlaws is saying but even if you can only see things logically, you can still see that there a reasons why people can get uncomfortable about nudity.

Myinlawsdidthisthebastards · 22/05/2016 09:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OptimisticSix · 22/05/2016 09:47

DH and I are quite often naked in front of the younger children but I try not be naked around eldest DS because I think he is uncomfortable even though he's never said anything. It's a feeling like the others don't even notice really that I'm naked apart from to poke me in the belly and make comments about my "stripes" while he notices and doesn't know where to look.

Myinlawsdidthisthebastards · 22/05/2016 09:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ipsogenix · 22/05/2016 09:49

I think if it's bothering your dd then it needs to stop ASAP. Home needs to be a safe place for her. She has no alternative but to be there.

corythatwas · 22/05/2016 09:49

FutureGadgetsLab Sun 22-May-16 09:34:32

"Explorer because logically there is nothing wrong with nudity. It is socially constructed."

Ok, so if a teacher asks your child to undress so he can take pictures of her there is nothing wrong with that, because nudity is socially constructed? If the child is in the headteacher's study and he suddenly takes his kit off, there is nothing wrong with that because nudity is socially constructed?

When we give our children safety messages concerning sex, we tell them to trust their feelings and never allow anything that makes them feel uncomfortable. The problem is that messages that we have been given on one occasion can then come back and influence our decisions in another, far more dangerous situation. If a young girl is brought up to think that my feelings of unease are only valid if I can prove that they are perfectly logical and not part of a social construct, she could lay herself open to a good many situations which she will regret.

A friend of mine felt so strongly about the need to be fair and logical that she allowed a male relative to have far closer access to her than she felt comfortable with. Because looked at it logically, there seemed nothing wrong. Guess what, he took advantage and abused her. She struggled with MH problems for years.

The message the dh sends his daughter now might influence how she allows boyfriends to treat her over the next few years. Does she feel she ought to go along with anything she cannot logically prove is wrong? Young men can be very persuasive in arguing that anything they happen to want is logical and right and that therefore they ought to have it. But she might not happen to want it. Will she feel she has to bend to logical arguments? Or does she feel entitled to say "no actually, I don't feel comfortable with this and I would like you to respect that"?

It's not about whether this particular man has any dodgy agenda or not: I am sure he doesn't. It's about what he teaches his daughter about her rights to her feelings.

FutureGadgetsLab · 22/05/2016 09:49

Lady but that applies solely to unclean genitals. A clean nude person is fine. It also requires you to sexualise the body.

I can see where it comes from but it makes some assumptions.

corythatwas · 22/05/2016 09:50

FutureGadgetsLab Sun 22-May-16 09:34:32

"Explorer because logically there is nothing wrong with nudity. It is socially constructed."

Ok, so if a teacher asks your child to undress so he can take pictures of her there is nothing wrong with that, because nudity is socially constructed? If the child is in the headteacher's study and he suddenly takes his kit off, there is nothing wrong with that because nudity is socially constructed?

When we give our children safety messages concerning sex, we tell them to trust their feelings and never allow anything that makes them feel uncomfortable. The problem is that messages that we have been given on one occasion can then come back and influence our decisions in another, far more dangerous situation. If a young girl is brought up to think that my feelings of unease are only valid if I can prove that they are perfectly logical and not part of a social construct, she could lay herself open to a good many situations which she will regret.

A friend of mine felt so strongly about the need to be fair and logical that she allowed a male relative to have far closer access to her than she felt comfortable with. Because looked at it logically, there seemed nothing wrong. Guess what, he took advantage and abused her. She struggled with MH problems for years.

The message the dh sends his daughter now might influence how she allows boyfriends to treat her over the next few years. Does she feel she ought to go along with anything she cannot logically prove is wrong? Young men can be very persuasive in arguing that anything they happen to want is logical and right and that therefore they ought to have it. But she might not happen to want it. Will she feel she has to bend to logical arguments? Or does she feel entitled to say "no actually, I don't feel comfortable with this and I would like you to respect that"?

It's not about whether this particular man has any dodgy agenda or not: I am sure he doesn't. It's about what he teaches his daughter about her rights to her feelings.

MNHQ
BeccaMumsnet · 22/05/2016 09:50

Hullo everyone - we've had quite a few reports for this thread and we've taken a closer look behind the scenes. This is a genuine poster who has posted on Mumsnet before and so we are going to leave the thread up.

If people continue to have doubts, please report to us and do not troll hunt on the thread.

Myinlawsdidthisthebastards · 22/05/2016 09:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FutureGadgetsLab · 22/05/2016 09:54

Cory

Obviously intent matters. Why would you want to take a picture of someone naked? And in the context of society generally sexualising bodies, you can see why that is inappropriate.

Also it's a bit different if someone is doing something to you. Then whatever you are uncomfortable with for any reason, you can ask to stop. Bodily autonomy.

However someone being naked that you happen to witness isn't being done to you. They are just going about their business naked.

Without logical reason it is unfair to ask someone to stop doing that based on your feelings.

There is a difference with intent.

corythatwas · 22/05/2016 09:54

FutureGadgetsLab Sun 22-May-16 09:49:54

"Lady but that applies solely to unclean genitals. A clean nude person is fine. It also requires you to sexualise the body. "

A young teenager is likely to be far more prone to strong sexual thoughts and worries than an older person. That is not their fault, and nothing that they can stop by logic: it's about hormones. An older person needs to respect that.