To think it's ok to be naked in front of your teens?

[Blackearlgrey]

DP and I have always been very carefree about nakedness and as our DC (all girls) have got older I have picked up that they're no longer all totally happy about this. Recently this has come to a head with the youngest (18) saying that she really doesn't like seeing her dad wander round without clothes on. He's a bit resistant to changing his habits--he exercises every morning, then puts his sweaty gym kit in the wash, before working his way to the shower in the altogether. Our other two, who are older, are a bit more relaxed about it, in fact the oldest one says she's glad this was our practice, so that she knew from an early age what adult bodies looked like. (I can identify with that, as I didn't know until several years after I DTD for the first time!) I've been happy to try to avoid the DC seeing me without clothes on if it makes them feel uncomfortable, but AIBU to think that as this is our home, me and DP are entitled to live as we choose. NB. No nakedness in communal areas when we have house guests of course.

I'm guessing I'm going to get responses from all parts of the spectrum here, from "It's no problem, everyone in the family gets their kit off at the earliest opportunity" right the way through to "Actually, I have never seen my husband's body with the light on". But interested to see what the overall view is. AIBU?

Leaving aside all other considerations, it's not terribly good manners for an adult male to walk around with his knob out when there are teenage girls present, is it?

BoomBooms, we have precisely that situation in my family: I am the only Christian and teen ds is very uncomfortable around my religion. I have no problem saying my thank-yous silently or before we sit down to table. I do not allow him to be rude about my religion (which he tries from time to time), but I also respect his feelings and his need to feel comfortable about mealtimes in a home that is as much his as mine.

This is different from e.g. communal hymn singing at school: this is the only home he has and he has a need to feel comfortable here, and part of this family, in a way that he doesn't need anywhere else.

And I also need to remember that I am an older and more experienced person, so it is far easier for me to negotiate this question without getting upset than it is for him.

larrygrylls
And his 'autonomous agency'? You seem comfortable removing that.

I agree with MyInLaws

As his autonomous agency is harmful in this case, I would feel very comfortable removing it.

He can wear a dressing gown.

BoomBoom I can see your point but I feel that walking about naked falls into an 'unwanted behaviour' category all of it's own .

There are people who do use deliberate imposition of their body functions (e.g. loud burping) as a means of showing that they have power: pissing on their territory.

That seems a stretch. Reminds me of those GCSE English papers where you put more thought into one line than the author ever did.

Myinlaws nudity isn't illegal "anywhere else" than his own home. That's simply not the case. There are no laws that criminalize the simple fact of being nude somewhere.

BoomBoom in the Christian/atheist/ grace at the table scenario the most reasonable compromise would surely be for grace to be said, and the atheist to join the table immediately afterwards.

Cory do you think that is the only reasonable way for a parent to respond to a child requiring them not to participate in a religious practice?

My mum did not care about my feelings when I was growing up, and it damaged our relationship. I don't want to spend time with her, and don't really feel loved by her. It is a bad enough feeling, as an adult. As a teenager, it was awful.

^this with bells on.

OP I just don't understand why your DH would want to keep doing something that he knew made his DD uncomfortable.

I agree that it sends a message about how unimportant he sees her feelings and that they are not valid.

And because of the nudity element it also has a slightly perverse overtone to it.

I would have died if I had seen my dad naked at 18!! At a time when you are becoming self aware as a sexual woman and perhaps embarking on sexual relationships I agree that nudity=sex in the majority of teenage minds.

future very interested to learn you have Aspergers. I found your posting towards me on the sleep thread about the 6 month old ebf baby quite aggressive and lacking in empathy towards the baby. Makes sense now. I agree with inlaws that you need to address this somehow or I fear you could emotionally damage your DS.

My parents never validated my feelings and always told me I was 'too sensitive' and it was quite the head fuck growing up

I saw my own mum naked until she passed away really. Had no issue with it and nor did she. I never saw my dad naked - he never walk around with it hanging out(!) wasn't his style. DD isn't keen on seeing me totally naked so I will put undies on, she also doesn't tend to be starkers in front of me, certainly the bottom half! DS doesn't care, he likes to let it all hang out, but as he's 12 I tend to at least wear undies around him now, although it wouldn't bother me if he saw me naked, nor him. DH hasn't been totally naked around DD for ages. Prob same with DS, neither would be that bothered. I think it's what works for you and your family, so nothing wrong with nude or covering up, as long as you're not giving out the message that bodies are 'dirty'. Sometimes it's just a question of being 'modest'.

It is not that ds can dictate to me about any Christian practice: it is more that I have seen it as my job as a parent to think around the issue and find a way that does not make either of us feel a stranger in our own home. We are not equals: there is no reason why we should need to even argue it out if I can see there is a problem and solve it in a way that does not impinge on my needs or his.

I was the only Christian in my family as a child as well: my parents are atheist and had always been atheist. I did not insist on praying aloud in communal areas, they made sure I could get to church, e.g. by planning Sunday lunch around it. We didn't need any stand-off or posturing about it, just a little consideration of who is most inconvenienced at what particular time.

cory

yes. it's literally swinging his dick about to show he's in charge. now he knows she doesn't like it

I think it's a weird opposite sex thing: I stopped walking around naked when my son was around 8, because it felt uncomfortable and I didn't want his first memory of a naked woman's body to be his mum's, but my husband wanders around naked and it doesn't seem to phase DS. They have this biological familiarity and there is no weird underlying tension.

Yes, someone has Asperger's, let's bring it up when it's irrelevant and criticise their parenting when it's also irrelevant because we are neurotypical and neurotypical people are always right and anyone non neurotypical is wrong yay neurotypical

And abs I wasn't the only person who thought you were being PFB either.

It's a curiously British thread. I remember being a bit younger than the OP's DD and being absolutely horrified, scandalised, shocked, and above all, deeply embarrassed, on a trip to Germany to stay with relatives. We went on a boat trip and the mum, dad, teenage boy and teenage girl all happily stripped off and started swimming, sunbathing, etc. in the nude. I sat there clutching my one-piece swimming costume, not knowing where to look.

The worst was when the lunch was served - a plate of Wurst and hanging next two them, my male relatives' own remarkably similar-looking Wieners. I have never found a meal less appetising!

But they were all completely fine with it. And now I'm an adult, I can see the advantage of my German relatives' nonchalance about nudity compared to my own uptight Britishness.

I'd like my dcs to be more relaxed about what real bodies look like and more comfortable about what their own bodies look like as they age, have children etc, than I was - probably even more crucial in an age of social media, where all they see is wall-to-wall airbrushed perfection.

Obviously you shouldn't force anything on anyone, but I think a child who grows up seeing their parents are unashamed of their imperfect bodies will hopefully grow up to have less angst over their own.

BoomBoomsCousin Sun 22-May-16 18:19:20

"Cory do you think that is the only reasonable way for a parent to respond to a child requiring them not to participate in a religious practice?"

Of course not. But I do think it is the responsibility of the parent to think around the issue and try to find a solution that does not leave the child thinking that their feelings are less important or that the home is not equally their home.

My parents' behaviour around my religion was always very balanced and considerate and that was what their behaviour in general was like. And a big reason why I have always wanted to consider their feelings too, even in matters where I do not particularly understand them. It became the default position that if one person can do something small to help somebody else with something bigger then they will do so cheerfully and ungrudgingly.

If you've never come across someone with Asperger's on a forum before then you haven't been on much of the Internet have you.

By the way there are people out there a lot more unempathetic than me. I wouldn't venture off this site if that bothers you.

Is this a joke?! Of course YABU!

fidelix

They have. They grew up like those lovely Germans. But she doesn't like it now.

I really hate being criticised for being British. I can't help it!

I'm reminded of the thread about bare feet that had a different consensus over how much someone's dislike of anothers' body should be considered.