To think it's ok to be naked in front of your teens?

[Blackearlgrey]

DP and I have always been very carefree about nakedness and as our DC (all girls) have got older I have picked up that they're no longer all totally happy about this. Recently this has come to a head with the youngest (18) saying that she really doesn't like seeing her dad wander round without clothes on. He's a bit resistant to changing his habits--he exercises every morning, then puts his sweaty gym kit in the wash, before working his way to the shower in the altogether. Our other two, who are older, are a bit more relaxed about it, in fact the oldest one says she's glad this was our practice, so that she knew from an early age what adult bodies looked like. (I can identify with that, as I didn't know until several years after I DTD for the first time!) I've been happy to try to avoid the DC seeing me without clothes on if it makes them feel uncomfortable, but AIBU to think that as this is our home, me and DP are entitled to live as we choose. NB. No nakedness in communal areas when we have house guests of course.

I'm guessing I'm going to get responses from all parts of the spectrum here, from "It's no problem, everyone in the family gets their kit off at the earliest opportunity" right the way through to "Actually, I have never seen my husband's body with the light on". But interested to see what the overall view is. AIBU?

Yes, that is why compromise is important, taking two people's opinions into account.

But when the compromise on one side is being made to feel increasingly uncomfortable, whilst the compromise on the other side is taking your clothes off in the bathroom rather than the kitchen (or wherever the washing machine is), it's a bit unequal, isn't it?

Me too.

What victimhood is it referring to? Weird weird thing to say.

I 'd respond by saying that the dad's only leverage is "I am the dad". Or dare I say it "I am the man of the house".

(Let's not forget, the mum likes walking round naked, think she should be able to, but recognises her responsibilities as a parent so doesn't any more)

She's said it makes her uncomfortable, no one has denied her that. The question is whether her discomfort gives her a right to require a particular change in behaviour from her father when that request is an imposition on him.

Why is it an imposition to take his clothes off in the bathroom and not by the washing machine?

And the OP hasn't mentioned his knob and bollocks swinging anywhere

If they don't swing or bob around when he walks around naked, he would have pretty strange genitalia.

yabvu indeed. why is it not ok in front if guests but ok in front of your children? you need to respect your children as much as anyone else.

Cory Why would you think his intentions had changed just because her feeling have? It's far more likely that the values he has around the normalcy of nakedness, have not changed even though his daughter's feelings have.

I agree about the ignoring her feelings bit if it's what routinely happens. But I don't agree that parents should always adjust their habits and practices when they conflict with what their children prefer/feel comfortable with/etc.. That's a matter of balance. Living with people is a negotiation and that's something that children, especially young adults need to understand gradually. We don't know if he runs roughshod over the DD all the time. If he does I think that's unreasonable. If this is one of a few times when he decides that he isn't going to acquiesce but he is generally responsive than I think that's a totally different issue. And even in this case I think he should be talking with her about it and coming to a compromise.

In the case of the exchange student - it would certainly be prudent to let someone know in advance if you engage in practices that you know may be a surprise and possibly unwanted. I was only pointing out that it wasn't illegal because someone upthread had said it probably was. But the father in this instance hasn't walked naked around an exchange student or suggested that he should and the implications of what someone doing that would mean by it is entirely irrelevant to this OP.

In my opinion, your husband walking around naked in front of teenagers/children who do not like it is a form of pushing himself on them and is abusive. It really is.

I don't know what the law says, but that is what it may well feels like to them.

I'm afraid so far I've only got to page 14 and I have to go out again now. There are some posters, too numerous to mention, who have really made very good points which will help me address this situation in the family--thank you to those people! The comments about whether seeing this may be triggering some unpleasant memories for my DD; and also if she objects whether she can then justify going out "dressed as she pleases" are aspects I hadn't thought of. Thank you whoever made those, as well as many other sensible comments and suggestions. Just wanted to clarify that my original post was worded in order to fit the "AIBU" format, rather than implying that I think it's OK for this to continue, because I don't. Leaving out the troll-y bits, it's been a very interesting sociological discussion and makes me reflect that times have possibly changed. We are older parents who date from the latter end of the hippy era when people were more relaxed about this.

Limon

Another strange argument. Would you fart in front of a guest? What about family? There are different standards required.

How much of an imposition is it to put a dressing gown on for a few minutes a day for a year or two until his daughter leaves home? Seriously, what are other fathers like for this to seem a major thing? In my home, the normal attitude if one person asks somebody else a favour is to do it if it does not cause major hassle or upset.

In our family, life is a constant streams of minor asks: Dw could you put the phone back for charging when you've done with it please, ds could you put the kettle on please, dd could you bring your mugs down please, dh could you pass me a plate please, dad could you get me some stamps when you go into town, mum could you please not call me by that pet name in front of my friends. How exhausting if every ask had to be met with a long discussion about how the person asked is perfectly within their right not to do as they have been asked.

Myinlawd,

And his 'autonomous agency'? You seem comfortable removing that.

All these comparisons to other things. Not listening to the facts of this situation

I think as parents we listen to our kids and modify our behaviour if it pertains to privacy or sexuality. And especially if it's really easy to do so.

No way would dh continue to do something that makes any of his children any of his children feel uncomfortable in their hime just to prove a point or because he's always done it. He would not deliberately be around our dd naked if she said she felt uncomfortable seeing his penis, be that running from bathroom to washing machine, or doing the housework. He said he'd out a towel around his waist.

As it is, dd (10) is starting to want privacy as her body changes and has started locking bathroom door when changing, she once walked in on dh in the bathroom and didn't know where to look, he said he felt awful as she didn't know where to look and she was massively uncomfortable, that was an accident, he said he couldn't ever imagine intentionally putting her in that situation again.

You say the other dc don't mind, did you ask them after your dd told her she's uncomfortable, and would he have stopped if all three girls minded?

"Just wanted to clarify that my original post was worded in order to fit the "AIBU" format, rather than implying that I think it's OK for this to continue, because I don't."

That's good OP,

Liesel

Good point

larrygrylls Sun 22-May-16 17:54:27

"Limon

Another strange argument. Would you fart in front of a guest? What about family? There are different standards required."

I very much prefer my family to avoid farting in front of me if it can be avoided. Also burping and nose-picking and various other things which I find unpleasant. Of course I don't cavil about accidental farting or burping, but if they know I don't like it and insist on doing it on purpose in my presence, then I do think that is rude. And that they are probably trying to give me the message that they don't have to show me the same consideration as they would other people.

Myinlaw

I agree. I think it is extra relevant that this is a girl

Cory Where there is no conflict between the things that one person wants and the things another person wants there is no need for negotiation. But where this is conflict negotiation is generally the way to go in a respectful family atmosphere.

A different example might be what if the DH was Christian and had said grace before every meal since before the kids were born, though none of the rest of the family bother anymore. But DD becomes an ardent atheist and decides she is uncomfortable with grace being said at the table so she asks her him to stop saying grace. Should he automatically stop without discussion? Change their family norm and avoid something that makes him feel good because it makes her uncomfortable? Or, should she just suck it up given that it's always happened and her beliefs about religion aren't superior to his? Or, given the conflict, would a conversation be in order to try and find a suitable compromise be a reasonable approach?

There are people who do use deliberate imposition of their body functions (e.g. loud burping) as a means of showing that they have power: pissing on their territory. This has nothing to do with a loving family being comfortable around each other. It is about showing who is in charge. It rarely means that the other person gets to be equally free and unrestrained when it comes to something that annoys the territory-pisser.

My ds has tried it on from time to time. It is about flexing his muscles, showing that nobody can tell me what to do. It is not an invitation to his old mum to feel equally free and unrestrained in her body language around him.

MyInlaws he sounds lovely. Why is he your ex?