To think it's ok to be naked in front of your teens?

[Blackearlgrey]

DP and I have always been very carefree about nakedness and as our DC (all girls) have got older I have picked up that they're no longer all totally happy about this. Recently this has come to a head with the youngest (18) saying that she really doesn't like seeing her dad wander round without clothes on. He's a bit resistant to changing his habits--he exercises every morning, then puts his sweaty gym kit in the wash, before working his way to the shower in the altogether. Our other two, who are older, are a bit more relaxed about it, in fact the oldest one says she's glad this was our practice, so that she knew from an early age what adult bodies looked like. (I can identify with that, as I didn't know until several years after I DTD for the first time!) I've been happy to try to avoid the DC seeing me without clothes on if it makes them feel uncomfortable, but AIBU to think that as this is our home, me and DP are entitled to live as we choose. NB. No nakedness in communal areas when we have house guests of course.

I'm guessing I'm going to get responses from all parts of the spectrum here, from "It's no problem, everyone in the family gets their kit off at the earliest opportunity" right the way through to "Actually, I have never seen my husband's body with the light on". But interested to see what the overall view is. AIBU?

"This is why I really dislike most people. Emotive, irrational, and unable to let others get on with their lives when they are not hurting you."

If you take on the role as a parent you take on the possibility that your children will grow into teenagers who do not react in the same way as you do, and that you have taken on the responsibility of supporting them and appreciating them for the people they are, rather than what you would like them to be.

My dd is a very different person from me, far more emotive, far more clingy than seems natural to me. Sometimes this is quite hard to deal with. But I am her parent, it was my decision to take that job on knowing that she wouldn't necessarily grow up exactly like me. Since we live in the same house there are times we can't just "get on with our lives" disregarding the other person because our needs clash. So we take it in turns to meet each other's needs. At times I gently indicate that I need a little quiet or cannot take more bodily contact, at other times she makes it clear that she needs a hug and a listening ear.

I agree that in the present case something like "I've always done this so it'll be hard to change but I'll give you a fair warning so you can go somewhere else when I'm doing it" sounds a very good way of doing this. But that is precisely because it does acknowledge her feelings as important, at the same time as explaining his problem.

I have never been in a situation where "I am going to do this just because your feelings are not logical" has improved any situation with a teenager. And if something doesn't work you don't carry on doing it, right? That's logical, isn't it?

If I have observed that a certain attitude leads to bad feelings and lack of willingness to listen to parents in families with teenagers, then I try to avoid that attitude. Just as if I had noticed that eating a certain food gives me indigestion, I avoid that food if I don't want indigestion. I don't carry on eating the food anyway and then moaning that this is so wrong and it shouldn't be happening because it isn't logical.

No law is being broken by being naked. This is what I'm emphasizing - there is no law in the UK that says you have to wear clothes - anywhere. Not wearing clothes only becomes criminal* because it breaches social norms - just as breast feeding or gay kissing could/have in the past - and even then, only in public.

*Other than the case where you intentionally flash someone in order to upset them.

*Could be/ has been in the past.

You are being very unreasonable.

They want privacy from YOU.

Larry

Given our previous exchanges, Boom's post was phrased as if the standard of "alarm and distress" rather than "being uncomfortable" was the more stringent condition that meant those arrests didn't happen.

I'm sure she will clarify if she meant something else.

Myinlaw I don't think just doing what she requests without negotiation teaches her how to live in a relationship with someone who will sometimes have different views to her about things.

Being upset isn't a reason in itself to make someone change their behaviour when it's none of your business

Interesting point - society evolves to include those in its society - people are expected to accept others differences and tolerate them to live in a harmonious society

By saying we should all carry on regardless of the feeling of those around us - and particularly those we love does not make us tolerant - it makes us arrogant.

If my children come into a space where I am naked (bathroom, dressing in my bedroom etc), then I consider that is fine as they can leave if they are uncomfortable. But I wouldn't enter their space naked (waking them up in their bedrooms etc) as they have no choice about this.

So what's wrong with the compromise of telling her when he's walking to the shower naked?

He isn't offering that compromise. Plus it sounds as if his naked walk to the shower is a general naked potter around. Why should his daughter hide herself away in her own home till he's finished pottering?

Couldn't the dad also think "her aversion to nakedness is more important to her than how I feel"? It goes both ways.

No, it doesn't. He clearly doesn't feel uncomfortable wearing clothes, otherwise he'd be naked all the time. She does feel uncomfortable every time she sees him naked.

It is considerate but it doesn't mean it makes sense. I personally go for the truth/what is right above people's feelings.

Don't be surprised if you drive the people you love away, then. But if this were my daughter, I would be distinctly pissed off if my husband insisted on driving her away.

Cody,

Yes, that is why compromise is important, taking two people's opinions into account.

He is not flashing her! As far as I can tell from the OP, he is walking quickly between two rooms at the same time every day, making it easy for her to avoid seeing him.

If this is the case, it seems like she is trying to control his behaviour, using victim hood as the lever.

BoomBoomsCousin Sun 22-May-16 17:29:06

"No law is being broken by being naked. This is what I'm emphasizing - there is no law in the UK that says you have to wear clothes - anywhere. Not wearing clothes only becomes criminal* because it breaches social norms - just as breast feeding or gay kissing could/have in the past - and even then, only in public.

*Other than the case where you intentionally flash someone in order to upset them."

But in the case where a parent carries on being naked after his dd has said it makes her feel uncomfortable, you do have to wonder what his actual intentions are. Because it can no longer be sheer ignorance of the possibility of upsetting someone. To show her that her feelings don't matter? To establish that he is the person with power?

Not illegal, certainly, but for dealing with teenagers I would say very unwise. The message sent is "I am not very fussed about your feelings". And the logical answer to that would be "fine, and I am not very fussed about yours. The next time I might have stopped myself from doing something that would upset you I won't bother". As parents of teenagers, a lot of what keeps them safe, seeing that they tend to believe in their own invulnerability, is the thought that mum and dad wouldn't like this.

In the case of the exchange student, the message sent is "I do not care about normal boundaries when around strange young females who are in a position of potential vulnerability in my home". As a 14/15yo in a foreign country, I would not find that terribly reassuring. And frankly, if you invite a young person from abroad to live in your home, knowing how vulnerable that makes them and how absolutely they have to be able to trust you, that is a very unkind message to send.

She's said it makes her uncomfortable, no one has denied her that. The question is whether her discomfort gives her a right to require a particular change in behaviour from her father when that request is an imposition on him.

And the OP hasn't mentioned his knob and bollocks swinging anywhere

"using victim hood as the lever."

Charming.

IT is merely being considerate of others. I can't see why anyone would persist in doing something that makes someone else uncomfortable.

You are really setting the bar low if all that is required for mutually respectful family relationships is that no law has been broken

"recently this has come to a head with the youngest (18) saying that she really doesn't like seeing her dad wander round without clothes on. "

This from the OP. The "if it makes them feel uncomfortable" was further down the post, in OP's description of herself as being ok to not wander round naked any more.

I can't think who would want to see their parents naked after a certain age- my friend's father used to garden naked, not a pretty sight!

Myinlaw I don't think just doing what she requests without negotiation teaches her how to live in a relationship with someone who will sometimes have different views to her about things

I strongly suspect this girl has had ample opportunity during her upbringing to learn all of that. However, she won't learn it if she makes a reasonable request that her father take minimal steps to avoid causing her discomfort, and he outright refuses to do so because he pays the bills, or because he's always done it.

Fresh,

So if you worked with a religious Muslim, you would dress modestly merely because he felt 'uncomfortable' and told you so? Or would you think your autonomy trumped his right to comfort?