To think it's ok to be naked in front of your teens?

[Blackearlgrey]

DP and I have always been very carefree about nakedness and as our DC (all girls) have got older I have picked up that they're no longer all totally happy about this. Recently this has come to a head with the youngest (18) saying that she really doesn't like seeing her dad wander round without clothes on. He's a bit resistant to changing his habits--he exercises every morning, then puts his sweaty gym kit in the wash, before working his way to the shower in the altogether. Our other two, who are older, are a bit more relaxed about it, in fact the oldest one says she's glad this was our practice, so that she knew from an early age what adult bodies looked like. (I can identify with that, as I didn't know until several years after I DTD for the first time!) I've been happy to try to avoid the DC seeing me without clothes on if it makes them feel uncomfortable, but AIBU to think that as this is our home, me and DP are entitled to live as we choose. NB. No nakedness in communal areas when we have house guests of course.

I'm guessing I'm going to get responses from all parts of the spectrum here, from "It's no problem, everyone in the family gets their kit off at the earliest opportunity" right the way through to "Actually, I have never seen my husband's body with the light on". But interested to see what the overall view is. AIBU?

Ive said I don't expect other people to change their behaviour based on it.

Yes you do, you expect people to eat a specific food item where you want them to and not where they do. You could, of course, simply move away yourself or ask for warning soy can, like the teenage daughter, avert your eyes/nose.

This is a house of 5 adults who have all lived together with the same habits and arrangements for 18 years. It is only now that 1 of them has voiced any sense of discomfort. I don't think it is as clear cut as capitulating to a sudden attack of societal modesty as dictated by the youngest DD.

We are having the reverse issue at the moment as DH is concerned about his teenage DDs' lack of modesty because, as evidenced by this thread, he sees it as being out of kilter with current societal norms. He is fighting a losing battle to impose the closing of bedroom and bathroom doors and the wearing of wraps when naked in the hall.

Myinlaws I cannot cope with the sight or smell of tinned rice pudding. When DH and DDs break out the tin I leave the kitchen with my cup of tea rather than expecting them all to eat their pudding away from the dining table.

When you love someone, even if what they are asking is illogical, if it makes them feel uncomfortable you don't do it. Because you love them. However illogical they are.

Sorry but that's a load of bollocks.

Luckily my partner doesn't ask ridiculous things of me because "you would if you loved me"

He could put some pants on. But I don't see why he should, theoretically.

Because it's the considerate thing to do.

So what if the 18 year old left her pants off and made the Dad feel uncomfortable?

Soup I do move away. I just ask them not to come near me while they're eating it. But I do move, I don't expect them to change.

Simon I think it was mentioned earlier that the OP is now out for the day with no access to MN

FutureGadgetsLab Sun 22-May-16 16:41:21

"Cory

So what's wrong with the compromise of telling her when he's walking to the shower naked?"

Fair enough, if he is able to do that sensitively and kindly and makes it clear that this is important to him for some other reason than just to show her that he is right.

And of course he can do that with any visiting house guests too.

It is considerate but it doesn't mean it makes sense. I personally go for the truth/what is right above people's feelings.

Luckily my partner doesn't ask ridiculous things of me because "you would if you loved me"

Yes, because that is exactly the same thing isn't it? Showing consideration, which is part of the social niceties of living in a family, is not the same as being a bully. FFS?

Fair enough, if he is able to do that sensitively and kindly and makes it clear that this is important to him for some other reason than just to show her that he is right.

I agree. Something like "I've always done this so it'll be hard to change but I'll give you a fair warning so you can go somewhere else when I'm doing it".

Seems fair to me. And I agree with guests.

It isn't petty to fall out with someone on the basis that they are ignoring your wishes when the change to their own behaviour is minimal.

Thoughts on the au pair/exchange student?

I think the most powerful point made on this thread was by the poster who said that as soon as the dad realised that this was making his DD uncomfortable, it is nothing to do with whether it's OK to be nude in front of your teenage DD or not but all about power. If you carry on doing something which you know makes another person uncomfortable (not just offended) you are just showing them who's in charge and how little they or their feelings matter to you.

Soup saying you do anything your loved one asks even when it's illogical is close.

I personally go for the truth/what is right above people's feelings.

How lovely.

You don't seem to understand the principals of consideration and living harmoniously with others.

^"but do you understand the damage it can do to a relationship if one person carries on doing something they know is upsetting the other person?"

This is true but this isn't issue isn't the sum of his relationship with his daughter and it applies in reverse too. If the dad never takes his daughters feelings into account then this would be one of many things that would show her he didn't have any respect for her. But if he normally acquiesces, then a one off assertion that on this occasion he's going to let his own comfort take precedence since it is of no danger to her, then I don't think the dire predictions about their relationship are justified. Also, from his perspective this demand is a bit of an accusation. It isn't anything she hasn't seen thousands of times before. It's been fine, no harm has come to anyone, no harm has been intended towards anyone, but now, suddenly, his routine is somehow offensive. That's not a great thing to say to someone you love. She is admittedly his daughter, but she's also an adult and should be able to but her own feelings aside from time to time and accept that her parents are not simply there to make her life perfect.

I don't think it's the no brainier that so many people are saying. And I certainly don't think he's unreasonable to not immediately change his routine. I do think it's good to reinforce for your children that they can set boundaries for themselves. But I t may be that she has to change her routine a little instead or that there is compromise to be had.

" I personally go for the truth/what is right above people's feelings."

There's no absolute truth here, only feelings on both sides. He likes to walk naked from the washing machine to the shower. She would like him not to do so.

Soup saying you do anything your loved one asks even when it's illogical is close.

Except that is not what the poster said at all. They said they would stop doing something if a loved one said they found it uncomfortable.

Hell if there was an exchange student there, then they don't have the right to complain how their host walks to the shower. Unless he's walking into her room, she can't complain he walks around naked in his own house.

Well neither of them are being unreasonable really. He wants to do what he's always done (which is fine) and she feels uncomfortable about it (which is fine too). What I don't understand is why he doesn't want to NOT make her feel uncomfortable, regardless of her reasons. I don't really get that.

howabout Sun 22-May-16 16:46:16

This is a house of 5 adults who have all lived together with the same habits and arrangements for 18 years. It is only now that 1 of them has voiced any sense of discomfort.

They have not been adults living together for 18 years: of course attitudes change as children grow up; that is normal. The OP said as all the girls have grown older she has "picked up that they're no longer all totally happy about this", though it is only the 18yo who is totally uncomfortable with it.