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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it's ok to be naked in front of your teens?

904 replies

Blackearlgrey · 22/05/2016 08:12

DP and I have always been very carefree about nakedness and as our DC (all girls) have got older I have picked up that they're no longer all totally happy about this. Recently this has come to a head with the youngest (18) saying that she really doesn't like seeing her dad wander round without clothes on. He's a bit resistant to changing his habits--he exercises every morning, then puts his sweaty gym kit in the wash, before working his way to the shower in the altogether. Our other two, who are older, are a bit more relaxed about it, in fact the oldest one says she's glad this was our practice, so that she knew from an early age what adult bodies looked like. (I can identify with that, as I didn't know until several years after I DTD for the first time!) I've been happy to try to avoid the DC seeing me without clothes on if it makes them feel uncomfortable, but AIBU to think that as this is our home, me and DP are entitled to live as we choose. NB. No nakedness in communal areas when we have house guests of course.

I'm guessing I'm going to get responses from all parts of the spectrum here, from "It's no problem, everyone in the family gets their kit off at the earliest opportunity" right the way through to "Actually, I have never seen my husband's body with the light on". But interested to see what the overall view is. AIBU?

OP posts:
WhoTheFuckIsSimon · 22/05/2016 15:38

The problem is if he carries on as she gets older she will look back and think that her father cared so little about her feelings that he couldn't cover his penis infront of him. That's best case scenario. Worst case scenario she starts wondering if he got a kick out of it.

Neither of those thought processes will be conducive to them having a decent relationship.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 22/05/2016 15:46

"I actually like my teenagers and want them to feel that they are being heard and considered."

This is exactly it, cory - I couldn't have put it better myself.

Lynnm63 · 22/05/2016 15:47

I think the very least he could do would be the humerous "naked dad coming through.. No peaking" that way dd wouldn't get an eyeful I now have the lyrics to the streak in my head "don't look Ethel ...too late she'd already got an eyeful"

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 22/05/2016 15:53

My mum did not care about my feelings when I was growing up, and it damaged our relationship. I don't want to spend time with her, and don't really feel loved by her. It is a bad enough feeling, as an adult. As a teenager, it was awful.

apple1992 · 22/05/2016 16:03

If he carries on despite her stating she feels uncomfortable, it feels a bit perverted.

dodobookends · 22/05/2016 16:04

"Don't look Ethel...! I was thinking that too Grin

MariaSklodowska · 22/05/2016 16:06

HOnestly I cannot imagine what sort of dad would think it OK to walk around in front of his teen daughters with his wedding tackle flapping about.

Janecc · 22/05/2016 16:09

SDTGis. Ditto same with my mother. Same with the teen years. She still couldn't give a flying fuck about my feelings and goes out of her way to be cruel to me.

Palpatine · 22/05/2016 16:22

We're no prudes in our house and my DH and I usually work around (half) naked. That being said if one of our children told us seeing us naked made them uncomfortable, I'd either put on some clothes or cover up with a towel (depending on the situation).

If one of our children had an illogical/irrational fear of something, I wouldn't continue to expose them to whatever scares them either

As the parent my children should respect me and my rules, but I should also respect and address if they raise concerns.

FutureGadgetsLab · 22/05/2016 16:23

I've been thinking about this but I'm with Larry - if just gives the most sensitive person the most power. If you don't apply logic to it where does it end?

Your dress sense makes me uncomfortable. Your perfume makes me uncomfortable. Your makeup makes me uncomfortable. Your music makes me uncomfortable.

This isn't meaning to be obtuse. I'm just saying that discomfort alone doesn't seem to be a strong indicator.

The easiest option is for him to put some pants on. I don't think he should HAVE to though.

Palpatine · 22/05/2016 16:27

And tbh if the father in this situation continues to be naked around his daughter after she voices her concern, he is being an arse. At least he could keep on his underoos until he gets to the bathroom.

Myinlawsdidthisthebastards · 22/05/2016 16:27

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FutureGadgetsLab · 22/05/2016 16:30

We should make reasonable adjustments to accommodate those with whom we live and whom we love.

I don't disagree but I do think you have to apply a bit of logic to what's being asked otherwise someone could ask for anything on the grounds of being uncomfortable.

I have the food thing too. I give people the choice of eating away from me or me vomiting uncontrollably. It isn't illogical to choose the first.

corythatwas · 22/05/2016 16:31

FutureGadgetsLab Sun 22-May-16 16:23:51

"I've been thinking about this but I'm with Larry - if just gives the most sensitive person the most power. If you don't apply logic to it where does it end?"

In compromise. In a general attitude of "my dad respects my feelings and listens to me so I want to do the same for him and my mum". In an attitude of "I don't want to push this argument (which actually isn't that important to me) into absurdum just to prove that I am right, because that is not how my parents deal with me". In a household where we are not constantly in competition with each other over who is right, but take it in turns to let the other person feel listened to. At least that seems to be where we have ended up.

Having 4 adults (or near adults) in a household is a little different to having just the 2 + small children, or being a single parent with small children. It sets up a different dynamic and requires different handling. But it is also hugely interesting and enjoyable.

Myinlawsdidthisthebastards · 22/05/2016 16:32

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AHellOfABird · 22/05/2016 16:32

Future, taking his clothes off in the bathroom and putting them in the machine after his shower is not an unreasonable adjustment, though.

What would your view be if the family had an 18 year old female au pair saying similar?

Myinlawsdidthisthebastards · 22/05/2016 16:33

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

apple1992 · 22/05/2016 16:35

I think your father walking around, flaccid penis flapping, is totally different to disliking a perfume or food smell or whatever.

apple1992 · 22/05/2016 16:36

What would your view be if the family had an 18 year old female au pair saying similar?
Or teenage exchange student.

Myinlawsdidthisthebastards · 22/05/2016 16:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 22/05/2016 16:38

I get your emphasis on logic, Future - but do you understand the damage it can do to a relationship if one person carries on doing something they know is upsetting the other person?

How we treat people send messages about our attitude towards them, and if someone repeatedly does something they know upsets me, I see that as meaning they don't care about me or my feelings.

I would not want any of my children to believe that I don't care that I am upsetting them, so if they told me something I was doing was offending/upsetting them, my love for them would make me modify my behaviour.

The OP's daughter could well be thinking 'Dad knows this upsets me, but is carrying on doing it anyway - his desire to walk around naked is more important to him than me' - and that message would be reinforced every time she meets her naked dad 'working his way towards the bathroom'.

Reinforce that message often enough, and it will damage their relationship.

Which does he want more - a good relationship with his daughter, or to walk around naked? To me, that question is a no-brainer.

titchy · 22/05/2016 16:40

Future - I don't disagree but I do think you have to apply a bit of logic to what's being asked otherwise someone could ask for anything on the grounds of being uncomfortable.

No - you don't. When you love someone, even if what they are asking is illogical, if it makes them feel uncomfortable you don't do it. Because you love them. However illogical they are.

FutureGadgetsLab · 22/05/2016 16:41

Cory

So what's wrong with the compromise of telling her when he's walking to the shower naked?

Bastards I've never said I'm devoid of fears/phobias. Ive said I don't expect other people to change their behaviour based on it.

Anyway it isn't illogical. I have sensory issues thanks to my ASD. It causes an involuntary vomiting. That is medical.

WhoTheFuckIsSimon · 22/05/2016 16:42

OP, what is your Dh planning to do?

FutureGadgetsLab · 22/05/2016 16:45

STDG I understand that. I understand that she might think he considers being right more important than her feelings (an argument I've had a few times with my dad as it happens) however if she really falls out with him over this that's quite petty.

Couldn't the dad also think "her aversion to nakedness is more important to her than how I feel"? It goes both ways.

Of course the whole issue is petty. He could put some pants on. But I don't see why he should, theoretically.