To think it's ok to be naked in front of your teens?

[Blackearlgrey]

DP and I have always been very carefree about nakedness and as our DC (all girls) have got older I have picked up that they're no longer all totally happy about this. Recently this has come to a head with the youngest (18) saying that she really doesn't like seeing her dad wander round without clothes on. He's a bit resistant to changing his habits--he exercises every morning, then puts his sweaty gym kit in the wash, before working his way to the shower in the altogether. Our other two, who are older, are a bit more relaxed about it, in fact the oldest one says she's glad this was our practice, so that she knew from an early age what adult bodies looked like. (I can identify with that, as I didn't know until several years after I DTD for the first time!) I've been happy to try to avoid the DC seeing me without clothes on if it makes them feel uncomfortable, but AIBU to think that as this is our home, me and DP are entitled to live as we choose. NB. No nakedness in communal areas when we have house guests of course.

I'm guessing I'm going to get responses from all parts of the spectrum here, from "It's no problem, everyone in the family gets their kit off at the earliest opportunity" right the way through to "Actually, I have never seen my husband's body with the light on". But interested to see what the overall view is. AIBU?

What if more than one person pays the bills and they don't have the same pov about something?
Dp and I share the bills, we agree on stuff.

Anyway the op should turn the heating down. This will have two effects one that his knob will shrink and the daughter will be less uncomfortable but the more preferable would be that he is too cold nekkid so puts some clothes on.

AtSea1979 Sun 22-May-16 14:31:24

"Who pays the bills? In my house that's the person/people who set the rules. If the rest don't like it then good luck finding somewhere cheaper to live."

That sounds absolutely fine. As long as you have no particular feelings about them keeping in touch once they have left.

I actually like my teenagers and want them to feel that they are being heard and considered.

The bills argument seems rather nasty. My friend is disabled and has been unable to work for many years: does that mean that her husband gets to set all the rules?

I'd be extremely worried if my husband insisted on wandering round naked in front of our teenagers. It's not just monumentally selfish and totally disrespectful but his dismissal of her feelings portrays him as an authoritarian and totally self absorbed. Not a nice person at all and a rather unpleasant parent methinks. Why would you deliberately want to make your child feel uncomfortable in such a way?

I find the 'uncomfortable' trumps all argument very wrong. All someone had to say is 'i feel uncomfortable' and their wishes should be bowed to?

At least the 'bill payer argument' has some quod pro quo. The 'uncomfortable' argument just makes the most sensitive person the most powerful.

Why can't a compromise be reached? He is nude for as little a time as possible. She allows her father a certain area of the house after his exercise.

So DD opens her bedroom door, her dad is walking past, she closes it. No big deal.

How about: DD is in the hall, her Dad has just taken his clothes off and chooses to walk through the hall while she is there despite knowing she dislikes. Still no big deal?

Who pays the bills? In my house that's the person/people who set the rules. If the rest don't like it then good luck finding somewhere cheaper to live.

And good luck having an ongoing relationship with your children and grandchildren.

Think about this for a moment...

DD's friend to teacher/parent: "I'm a bit worried about my friend, she told me a secret. She says her dad keeps flashing his willy at her, she's asked him to stop, but he keeps on doing it, and she's really upset."

Teacher/parent: "Er... thank you for telling me, you did the right thing."

I'm very, very surprised at some of the responses. An adult male needlessly makes a teenage girl feels uncomfortable and she just needs to put up with it because he pays the bills?

larrygrylls, I don't think anyone is saying that "uncomfortable" trumps all. I think the point is in any household there is a reasonable degree of consideration for other people. As pointed out, an awful lot of teenagers - I suspect the vast majority - would not be happy about regularly encountering their father's genitals in full view, so it's not as if OP's DD is being unusually fussy. And the inconvenience to him of taking his clothes off in the bathroom instead of wherever the washing machine is is so minor that really it does have to come second to causing distress to his daughter.

I can't imagin being married to a man like this.
Your poor daughters.

"AIBU to think that as this is our home, me and DP are entitled to live as we choose"

It is your children's home as well - children whom you chose to have. If you want to please yourself what you do in your home, regardless of how that makes your children feel, then you shouldn't have become parents in the first place.

My DH (who sleeps in the nude) developed a habit of going into DS1's bedroom last thing at night to tell him to tidy his room. Naked. DS objected and said 'You are like a naked OCD Tarzan'. He wasn't wrong.

There's a time and a place for nudity. Otherwise stick a bathrobe on.

AugustaFinkNottle Sun 22-May-16 15:10:35

"larrygrylls, I don't think anyone is saying that "uncomfortable" trumps all. I think the point is in any household there is a reasonable degree of consideration for other people. As pointed out, an awful lot of teenagers - I suspect the vast majority - would not be happy about regularly encountering their father's genitals in full view, so it's not as if OP's DD is being unusually fussy. And the inconvenience to him of taking his clothes off in the bathroom instead of wherever the washing machine is is so minor that really it does have to come second to causing distress to his daughter."

This really does sum it up. It's about reasonable consideration. As parents there are also things we ask our children to desist from, not because they cause any actual physical harm or monetary loss, but simply because we find them annoying or they make us uncomfortable. At other times we accept that we cannot interfere and have to put up with it. Reasonable give and take- and that includes recognising when somebody actually is troubled by a particular thing and when they are just using it as an opportunity to throw their weight about. Openness, give and take, a mutual desire to see the other members of the family comfortable.

YANBU. Am shocked at the people saying that the father is authoritarian! It's the daughter being authoritarian imo - trying to dictate what others in the house can and cannot do! There is no shame in a naked human body. I don't agree that the parents pay the bills and therefore make the rules, but I do think a person has a right to be naked in their own home if they want to.

Kitsa, does that also apply to a family with an au pair?

How about a comprimise that when he's going to walk through the house naked he shouts a warning, gives anyone chance to vacate the area who wants to and they can hide in their room for ten minutes?

Not ideal, but it's better than inflicting unwanted nudity on someone.

It's not normal to see your dad naked. I'm Happhy going to nudist beaches and spending the day infront of lots of people totally naked but I wouldn't not want to see my dads willy.

FFS just put some sodding pants on, nobody likes to gaze at the last turkey in the shop.

There is shame In a naked human body if you expose it to somebody who doesn't want to see it and who can't live elsewhere.

Kitsa, do you think people have a right to be naked in front of people visiting their houses?

I mean, DS is 18. He's doing A levels. He can't just move out and get a house.

I cannot,imagine why the father would choose to continue doing this after having been told that the daughter finds it difficult. As others have said, being uncomfortable doesn't in and of itself, give you the right to restrict others behaviours. But there is no great benefit to the father by walking around naked - it's not exactly a basic human right, is it?!
Therefore her discomfort means that he should be considerate and put it away. Tbh, I'd be slightly concerned that there is something unhealthy in a father almost insisting on exposing himself to his daughter. Mmm, slightly creepy or what?
But then I find it bizarre that women in the changing room at the gym, naked and spread eagled, drying themselves after shower/swimming, expose their privates to all and sundry. Maybe I'm a prude but I don't see why it is necessary.

"It's the daughter being authoritarian imo - trying to dictate what others in the house can and cannot do! "

So if my husband asks me not to pick my nose because it makes him uncomfortable or I ask dd not to chew with her mouth open, that would be authoritarian and trying to dictate what others can do? Surely living together in a house means everybody has to be prepared to modify their behaviour at times out of consideration for others.