To think it's ok to be naked in front of your teens?

[Blackearlgrey]

DP and I have always been very carefree about nakedness and as our DC (all girls) have got older I have picked up that they're no longer all totally happy about this. Recently this has come to a head with the youngest (18) saying that she really doesn't like seeing her dad wander round without clothes on. He's a bit resistant to changing his habits--he exercises every morning, then puts his sweaty gym kit in the wash, before working his way to the shower in the altogether. Our other two, who are older, are a bit more relaxed about it, in fact the oldest one says she's glad this was our practice, so that she knew from an early age what adult bodies looked like. (I can identify with that, as I didn't know until several years after I DTD for the first time!) I've been happy to try to avoid the DC seeing me without clothes on if it makes them feel uncomfortable, but AIBU to think that as this is our home, me and DP are entitled to live as we choose. NB. No nakedness in communal areas when we have house guests of course.

I'm guessing I'm going to get responses from all parts of the spectrum here, from "It's no problem, everyone in the family gets their kit off at the earliest opportunity" right the way through to "Actually, I have never seen my husband's body with the light on". But interested to see what the overall view is. AIBU?

Cory in your living room, no. It's your room. In their room then I don't see the problem. I wouldn't do it, however there isn't something intrinsically wrong with it.

Same applies to you and your DH.

I think you've hit the nail on the head with ticking along smoothly. I don't see the need for social graces, and I don't see the need to smooth things over so to speak. Things are what they are and if people are precious then that is not my problem.

I'm sure people think that makes me insensitive and they may be right. However it doesn't make me wrong.

FutureGadgetsLab Sun 22-May-16 12:20:10

"Cory not if you teach them about autonomy."

Well, what is autonomy if not knowing that you are allowed to say "look, I do not want to experience this so please stop because it makes me uncomfortable"?

If you can't say it to your own dad, how can you say it to the vicar when he takes you aside and shows you his genitals? Or do you think sexual grooming is only about penetrative sex? Or your boyfriend when he wants you to witness something that you find disgusting but may not actually involve harming anyone?

No, it isn't the emotional one who has to back down. It is the one who would be least inconvenienced. On the one hand, you have someone feeling discomfort which is not going to change (and is probably going to get worse) if her father persists in wandering around naked. On the other hand, you have a father who could avoid the problem by taking his clothes off in the bathroom rather than by the washing machine. It really is very easy.

The face washing analogy is a good one. There is no logical reason why someone would feel uncomfortable with seeing me washing my face. But, if they do, I wouldn't dream of continuing to wash my face in front of them because it would be so easy to avoid.

Jorah so if I decide to be made uncomfortable by someone waving at me, and I tell them and they do it again, they are affecting me? Or do I need to grow up and stop getting bothered by benign actions?

We are naked in front of our D and S. They are pre teen. I've always gone with view when it becomes uncomfortable - for any of us - we cover up. I suspect this will happen with me and DS sooner than me and DD - hope it never happens with her. And vice versa for dad and kids. I dont want them not to see us naked - or me them - but understand it might happen.
Same with toilet. When little they barge in and I put up with. When a bit older pointed out I didnt like it and they should knock then come in, which became knock and speak to me outside and then to leave me alone I'm having a pee! It's more about two mins peace I think than the act! I'm thinking of going that way with showers now again not because nakedness more of leave me alone I'm in shower I can't find your shoes/favourite sweatshirt or tell you what's for tea.
Tell your husband to pop a towel or robe on.

Can somebody fill me on the detail I must have missed, please?

How long does this walk from laundry basket to bathroom take, and why is the 18-year-old so often in the same place at the same time?

It doesn't seem to make a lot of sense on the logical front ...

No, it isn't the emotional one who has to back down. It is the one who would be least inconvenienced

That would be nice of them however they're under no obligation to do so as they're logically in the right.

So the whole argument boils down to whether the hallway of a man's own family home is an appropriate place to be naked.

It's a perfectly appropriate place for him to be naked if everyone else in the house is happy with it. As soon as someone is unhappy - whether it's a guest or his daughter - it stops being appropriate.

Cory autonomy is controlling your own body. Not controlling someone else's.

Jorah so if I decide to be made uncomfortable by...

You're just taking the piss now aren't you? You don't decide to be made uncomfortable by something, you just are!

I don't see the need for social graces, and I don't see the need to smooth things over so to speak. Things are what they are and if people are precious then that is not my problem. I'm sure people think that makes me insensitive and they may be right. However it doesn't make me wrong.

Do you not see the difference between "social graces" and being considerate to your nearest and dearest and deciding not to cause them distress

In the OP's scenario, being right and not being "precious" (in the father's eyes) isn't going to be of much use to him if he drives his daughter out of the house and damages his relationship with her for the future. And if I were OP I would be really unhappy with my husband deliberately making my child feel uncomfortable.

'Almond surely there is a difference between intending to be seen by x and not caring if you are seen by x.'

They are completely different things, but generally people have to experience both at the same time.

Intention is the name given to the planning part of taking action. It may be informed by emotions and morals but it is not itself an emotion.

Caring or not caring about the impact that has others is about an emotional state.

When an adult female asks an adult male to put his penis away because she doesn't want to see it, then he should cover up.

Nudity is perfectly normal and natural and there is a time and a place for it. Call me old-fashioned, but I think that getting your dick out in front of your embarrassed teenage daughter is not one of those times.

FutureGadgetsLab Sun 22-May-16 12:27:30

"Cory in your living room, no. It's your room. In their room then I don't see the problem. I wouldn't do it, however there isn't something intrinsically wrong with it.

Same applies to you and your DH.

I think you've hit the nail on the head with ticking along smoothly. I don't see the need for social graces, and I don't see the need to smooth things over so to speak. Things are what they are and if people are precious then that is not my problem."

But I have teenagers. If they are precious= if they feel unhappy or uncomfortable in their own home, then that is my business because by having them I took on the responsibility of providing a home where they could feel safe and at ease. It's my job as a parent.

Also, I am very aware that in a few years' time, it will be entirely up to them whether they ever want to have contact with me again or not. If I want that, then I need to ensure that they want it to. And if I dismiss their views and opinions as precious and maintain that only my own views matter- well, why would they want to?

I do understand that with your Aspergers a lot of this does sound like useless social graces. But sometimes with teenagers you do need to show an awareness that their point of view is as important as yours: I am sure that kind of language can be learnt to some extent.

I decide to be made uncomfortable by someone waving at me, and I tell them and they do it again, they are affecting me? Or do I need to grow up and stop getting bothered by benign actions?

You could try. Or, if the other person is your father and he loves you, maybe he could decide not to do the thing that is bothering you, and (given that this one really is illogical) decide to look into whether you need help.

'Cory autonomy is controlling your own body. Not controlling someone else's.'

No. You're confusing autonomy with specific autonomy over your own body.

All this boils down to a parent deciding that their child's feelings are (in their new) "illogical" and therefore irrelevant, and so can be ignored.

Nice attitude for a parent to hold towards their child.

"That would be nice of them however they're under no obligation to do so as they're logically in the right."

But who says to their child, "I'm not going to do X, to be nice to you, because it is my RIGHT to do Y"? Because that's the message that the dd will be getting from her dad's actions. 'He knows it upsets me, and carries on doing it anyway - so he doesn't care about upsetting me!'

"Being naked is not a harmful act."

No - but deliberately and repeatedly doing something easily avoidable, that you KNOW upsets someone IS a harmful act!

This man is deliberately choosing to do something he knows upsets his dd - his right to walk around naked is more important to him than his love for her - that's the message his actions are giving. How can it not be harmful to give your child that message, over and over again?

I thought I'd clicked on this thread, but opened one about breastfeeding by accident. Got extremely concerned about the direction this thread had gone when the last post (on the other thread) was about men being able to induce lactation

In their view, not new.

No, it isn't the emotional one who has to back down. It is the one who would be least inconvenienced

That would be nice of them however they're under no obligation to do so as they're logically in the right.

Future, can you really not see that in human relationships logic isn't the final decider? Would you really make a deliberate decision to continue making your child feel uncomfortable just because in your view she is logically in the wrong?

And, anyway, how do you know she is logically in the wrong? As pointed out upthread, she may have very good personal reasons to feel uncomfortable.

FutureGadgetsLab Sun 22-May-16 12:31:10

"Cory autonomy is controlling your own body. Not controlling someone else's."

In that case should young choir boys who had the vicar expose himself to them in the vestry just get over it? Because they had no right to control his body? And as long as he didn't touch theirs, everything is hokey dokey?

I can see what you are saying, but it seems to lead down some very dodgy paths.

But ... but ... is he "walking around naked" or passing briefly through on his way to the shower?

OP gave the impression of the latter. So why can't the DD avoid the hallway for 4 minutes after he gets out of the gym?

Mutual consideration works both ways.