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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it's ok to be naked in front of your teens?

904 replies

Blackearlgrey · 22/05/2016 08:12

DP and I have always been very carefree about nakedness and as our DC (all girls) have got older I have picked up that they're no longer all totally happy about this. Recently this has come to a head with the youngest (18) saying that she really doesn't like seeing her dad wander round without clothes on. He's a bit resistant to changing his habits--he exercises every morning, then puts his sweaty gym kit in the wash, before working his way to the shower in the altogether. Our other two, who are older, are a bit more relaxed about it, in fact the oldest one says she's glad this was our practice, so that she knew from an early age what adult bodies looked like. (I can identify with that, as I didn't know until several years after I DTD for the first time!) I've been happy to try to avoid the DC seeing me without clothes on if it makes them feel uncomfortable, but AIBU to think that as this is our home, me and DP are entitled to live as we choose. NB. No nakedness in communal areas when we have house guests of course.

I'm guessing I'm going to get responses from all parts of the spectrum here, from "It's no problem, everyone in the family gets their kit off at the earliest opportunity" right the way through to "Actually, I have never seen my husband's body with the light on". But interested to see what the overall view is. AIBU?

OP posts:
AugustaFinkNottle · 22/05/2016 12:08

Oh, come on, Future, when you say that OP's daughter is only "claiming" to be uncomfortable, your argument is getting desperate. Do you think she's screwed herself up to raising this with her parents just for the fun of it? Do you not accept that the various people on this thread who have said they would hate it may be telling the truth?

For the sake of discussion, accept that she does feel uncomfortable. Why should a parent's (putative) view that that is illogical give them the right to continue deliberately making her feel uncomfortable?

FutureGadgetsLab · 22/05/2016 12:09

I don't think she's making it up Augusta, in saying that on its own without logical reasons to back it up it doesn't mean much.

almondpudding · 22/05/2016 12:10

Future, what about if I kept saying that you are a child and your opinions are not as valid as others.

Would that be okay for me to do?

After all, it doesn't matter if we make people uncomfortable or offend them, and my intention would just be to say that in general. I'm neutral as to whether or not you happen to be reading the thread and see the remark, so my intent would not be to offend you or make you uncomfortable.

I don't think you're a child or all your opinions are invalid, by the way.

corythatwas · 22/05/2016 12:11

FutureGadgetsLab Sun 22-May-16 12:01:14

"Cory well then the issue here depends on why she is uncomfortable. You have a valid reason."

A normal reason might be because she is hormonal and finds it difficult to disengage sights of opposite sex genitals from associations with sex, and that makes her very uncomfortable when it's her father she sees.

Another perfectly normal reason might be because she knows that it is the norm in this society to respect teenage feelings in this area and knows that her father knows this too, so has to wonder exactly what message he is trying to send her by ignoring this norm.

And a third might be that she does have some triggering reason in the past which she cannot talk to her parents about. And shouldn't have to.

Amy214 · 22/05/2016 12:11

Im ok with my 2 year old daughter seeing me naked as i want her to know its perfectly normal and i want her to feel comfortable with her own body, but i would never walk around naked when shes a teenager

FutureGadgetsLab · 22/05/2016 12:12

Bastards because yours are emotive.

Almond throwing knives has the potential to harm someone. Being naked is not a harmful act. It's like saying you're uncomfortable with someone washing their face.

Cory misogynistic language contributes to the institutional sexism that women experience. It is harmful.

Myinlawsdidthisthebastards · 22/05/2016 12:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EDisFunny · 22/05/2016 12:14

You and your husband are being unreasonable, your poor daughter.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 22/05/2016 12:14

Being offended may not be, in and of itself, harm - but when someone deliberately carries on doing something that they KNOW upsets another person, the message that gives is "I don't care you are upset!". And the more that message is repeated, the more damage will be done to the relationship between the two people.

The bottom line, for me, is this. Which matters more to this man - his 'right' to walk around his house naked, even though he knows it upsets his child, or his child's happiness and comfort?

FutureGadgetsLab · 22/05/2016 12:14

Almond you can say what you want about me. It doesn't affect me. Confused

Cory

The first reason can be used as a reason to make women cover up with regards to dressing though...

Why not just talk about it? Why not ask him why he walks around naked?

AugustaFinkNottle · 22/05/2016 12:16

Future, if someone says that a practice like this makes them feel uncomfortable, that's all they have to say. They don't have to come up with a list of logical reasons that you or anyone else will find acceptable. You can't decide that you will ignore what they say because you don't think they have good reason to feel uncomfortable.

corythatwas · 22/05/2016 12:16

"Cory misogynistic language contributes to the institutional sexism that women experience. It is harmful."

And as I have argued above, teaching young people that their feelings around boundaries of privacy are not valid unless backed up by logic contributes to the institution of sexual exploitation and is therefore harmful. QED.

I am not for a moment suggesting that the father in this scenario is a predator. Nor is my son a misogynist. But it is a question of a) the wider picture b) the fact that a home should be a place where everybody feels comfortable.

almondpudding · 22/05/2016 12:20

'Almond throwing knives has the potential to harm someone. Being naked is not a harmful act. It's like saying you're uncomfortable with someone washing their face. '

I was not comparing degree of harm or level of comfort there. I was comparing intent.

If I wash my face in front of others I do so intentionally. I would take who was there and their feelings on the matter into account.

FutureGadgetsLab · 22/05/2016 12:20

Cory not if you teach them about autonomy.

I agree to some extent that everyone should feel comfortable but when two people clash, you cannot make both be 100% comfortable. Someone has to back down.

In my opinion that is the emotional one.

Ludways · 22/05/2016 12:20

I've always been comfortable being naked in front of the dc's, however at about 12 ds said he was uncomfortable with it, so I stopped. You must take the child's lead on this one.

OutToGetYou · 22/05/2016 12:20

Why should his daughter ask him why he does it, she's not his bloody counsellor!

velourvoyageur · 22/05/2016 12:21

Are you kidding?
Be a bit more considerate and suck it up until she leaves home!
Why should she feel uncomfortable every morning?
This makes me feel sick, frankly, thinking of a daughter having to avert her eyes from her dad's genitals in her own home. This is the kind of thing you accommodate regardless of whether it's your house or not. Would you force it on guests? Then why not extend the same treatment to your DD who among other family members you should love and respect above everyone else?

OutToGetYou · 22/05/2016 12:22

It's not "the emotional one" who backs down. It's the parent. Simple.

And anyway, his response is emotional too. He likes it. That's an emotional response.

AugustaFinkNottle · 22/05/2016 12:22

Being naked is not a harmful act.

It is harmful if a grown man persists in walking around naked in front of his teenage daughter knowing it distresses her.

How would it help her to ask him why he walks around naked? His likely answer is going to be "Because I don't see anything wrong with it, and because I've always done it." But the subtext is "Because I can't be bothered to change my habits despite the fact that it would be very easy for me to do so." What would be interesting, of course, would be for her to ask him why he persists in doing this knowing that it makes her uncomfortable. I suspect that in your view he would answer that it was because she was being illogical. Which, quite clearly, wouldn't stop her from feeling uncomfortable and would inevitably damage the relationship, because she would know he is putting his own laziness above her discomfort.

GoblinLittleOwl · 22/05/2016 12:22

Your teenage daughter is embarrassed because you are old and and she has discovered you do not possess perfect bodies.

corythatwas · 22/05/2016 12:23

Future, you never responded to my scenario of one of my teens having loud sex in the living room. Perfectly natural and fine and legal, and I doubt their main intention would be about my reactions. But it would make me feel uncomfortable. So do they respect that or do they not?

And what about dh and me? Do we keep the noise down out of consideration for teen sensibilities or just go at it: after all, we don't want to send them the message that there is something wrong with sex. And they can always use ear plugs. Or we could give them warning that we are going to have noisy sex for 45 minutes now so you might want to pop out.

Or alternatively, we might all exercise a little consideration for each other just to keep things ticking along smoothly and make everybody feel at ease.

FutureGadgetsLab · 22/05/2016 12:23

Almond surely there is a difference between intending to be seen by x and not caring if you are seen by x.

GarlicShake · 22/05/2016 12:23

Someone standing in front of me with their willy out. I ask them to stop. They don't.

Presumably you don't say "stop being naked", that would be weird. You mean you ask them to put some clothes on, right?

The answer depends on where you & he are. If you're in a mixed shower/sauna, on a nudist beach, in a German park on a hot day or have accidentally walked into the male changing area - you would be unreasonable. Your offence doesn't trump the naked man's right to be naked in an appropriate setting.

So the whole argument boils down to whether the hallway of a man's own family home is an appropriate place to be naked.

I'm on the side of 'appropriate' but don't feel strongly about it. Just somewhat flummoxed about the irrationality of some of these replies!

liz70 · 22/05/2016 12:25

"In his own house he can dress how he wants. "

Arrogant beyond belief. People like this should not have children.

JorahTheExplorer · 22/05/2016 12:26

But when the act doesn't affect anyone else, for example walking around naked, that isn't anyone else's business.

But it is effecting somebody else! His daughter! It's making her so uncomfortable that she has asked for it to stop.

He knows she is uncomfortable with it so every time he does it he is deliberately causing her to feel that way.