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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it's ok to be naked in front of your teens?

904 replies

Blackearlgrey · 22/05/2016 08:12

DP and I have always been very carefree about nakedness and as our DC (all girls) have got older I have picked up that they're no longer all totally happy about this. Recently this has come to a head with the youngest (18) saying that she really doesn't like seeing her dad wander round without clothes on. He's a bit resistant to changing his habits--he exercises every morning, then puts his sweaty gym kit in the wash, before working his way to the shower in the altogether. Our other two, who are older, are a bit more relaxed about it, in fact the oldest one says she's glad this was our practice, so that she knew from an early age what adult bodies looked like. (I can identify with that, as I didn't know until several years after I DTD for the first time!) I've been happy to try to avoid the DC seeing me without clothes on if it makes them feel uncomfortable, but AIBU to think that as this is our home, me and DP are entitled to live as we choose. NB. No nakedness in communal areas when we have house guests of course.

I'm guessing I'm going to get responses from all parts of the spectrum here, from "It's no problem, everyone in the family gets their kit off at the earliest opportunity" right the way through to "Actually, I have never seen my husband's body with the light on". But interested to see what the overall view is. AIBU?

OP posts:
AugustaFinkNottle · 22/05/2016 11:53

I would argue his intent is to do what he wishes and he doesn't care whether he's seen or not. Slight but important difference.

And I would argue that his intent is to do what he wishes and he doesn't care if the people he loves are upset by it. Much more important difference.

FutureGadgetsLab · 22/05/2016 11:54

Once I knew that it troubled her and she knew that I knew, it simply couldn't be a neutral act any more; it would become part of a power play.

I see that argument. However the light was actively causing harm. Being offended isn't harm. I won't drop the Stephen Fry quote as we all know it but offence in itself means nothing.

FutureGadgetsLab · 22/05/2016 11:55

And I would argue that his intent is to do what he wishes and he doesn't care if the people he loves are upset by it.

I agree with that.

IcedCoffeeToGo · 22/05/2016 11:55

How peculiar.

Your daughter finds her fathers nakedness uncomfortable and his response to that isn't to immediately stop, as any decent father would. How inconsiderate, selfish, disrespectful and a bit ewwwwww.

Pinkheart5915 · 22/05/2016 11:55

I think it's unreasonable especially if it makes your youngest uncomfortable

I wouldn't want to see my Dad walking around with no clothes no.

Myinlawsdidthisthebastards · 22/05/2016 11:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

almondpudding · 22/05/2016 11:57

"Almond perhaps he feels comfortable around his family? "

So you agree with me then. It is his intent to expose himself to his family but not to others.

FutureGadgetsLab · 22/05/2016 11:57

I care. But he obviously doesn't about this. That doesn't make the act the wrong.

AugustaFinkNottle · 22/05/2016 11:58

Augusta the sensory sensitive person can't close his ears. A better example would be for hummer to hum maybe for an hour maximum.

The sensory sensitive person could take his lunch break for that time.

No, it isn't a better example, because you're avoiding the question I asked. What I asked was: if the hummer carries on humming despite knowing it is causing discomfort to his neighbour, is he doing it to his neighbour or is he just going about his normal practice?

In the same way, if a man carries on wandering around naked despite knowing it causes discomfort to his daughter (who is just as entitled to be in the communal parts of the house as he is), why isn't he doing it to her?

FutureGadgetsLab · 22/05/2016 11:58

Almond no. His intent isn't. His intent is he is neutral to whether is family sees him or not.

corythatwas · 22/05/2016 11:58

FutureGadgetsLab Sun 22-May-16 11:51:44

"Augusta not when it's other people's property that he is dirtying.

I go by the harm principle. If you aren't causing harm to anyone else, it's fine. Being offended isn't harm."

I think you are missing something here. The young girl is not offended, she is uncomfortable. That is different from being offended. It means she can't relax, that she feels less at ease in her own home. Teenagers do very much need to have somewhere where they can escape and feel relaxed.

When I was a young teen, I felt very uncomfortable about seeing my dad's genitals because it triggered thoughts of unpleasant things that had happened to me elsewhere and as a young teen I had far less control over my thoughts than I do as an adult. Fortunately my father was a kindly and considerate man and a quick word, without any need to go into details, was all that was required.

ShebaShimmyShake · 22/05/2016 11:58

Having to see my dad wandering around with his bits swinging everywhere would make me physically sick. And I'm a life model.

Myinlawsdidthisthebastards · 22/05/2016 11:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FutureGadgetsLab · 22/05/2016 11:59

Augusta he's just going about his practice. He's being insensitive but he's not doing anything out of the ordinary.

CodyKing · 22/05/2016 11:59

I agree with the latter bit within reason. But I don't think walking to the shower is as big a deal as people are making it out to be.

Can you just agree you have lower standards than everyone else and walking to the shower loading the washing machine is offensive to the teen DD... She's not you and she is entitled to her views being listened to in her home

AugustaFinkNottle · 22/05/2016 12:00

I go by the harm principle. If you aren't causing harm to anyone else, it's fine. Being offended isn't harm.

Once again, OP didn't say her daughter was offended. She said she was uncomfortable. Sufficiently uncomfortable to raise it with her parents. Deliberately causing discomfort to your child when you could very easily avoid it is causing harm. If my father had done that to me it would have affected my future relationship with him, and I wouldn't have felt able to entrust my children to his care because I would be aware that he would always put his own comfort above everyone else's.

FutureGadgetsLab · 22/05/2016 12:01

Cory well then the issue here depends on why she is uncomfortable. You have a valid reason.

Bastards no it isn't. He's just saying he isn't bothered enough about her feelings to change his behaviour. That doesn't make him wrong, it doesn't make her wrong. It's just a statement of the situation.

Myinlawsdidthisthebastards · 22/05/2016 12:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FutureGadgetsLab · 22/05/2016 12:02

Cody why is being prudish having higher standards?

Augusta but anyone could claim to find anything uncomfortable.

FutureGadgetsLab · 22/05/2016 12:03

Bastards as I said many pages ago in these situations you look logically at the reasons.

Myinlawsdidthisthebastards · 22/05/2016 12:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AugustaFinkNottle · 22/05/2016 12:05

Almond no. His intent isn't. His intent is he is neutral to whether is family sees him or not.

Once he knows that it makes a member of his family uncomfortable, every time he does it he intends to make her feel uncomfortable. He's not "only" being insensitive, and it doesn't matter whether he is or is not doing anything out of the ordinary, he is being nasty.

almondpudding · 22/05/2016 12:05

'Almond no. His intent isn't. His intent is he is neutral to whether is family sees him or not.'

That is completely irrational. If you walk around a shared house naked, your intention is that sometimes people will see you.

If you are trying to say that he would do it whether they are there or not, that is not the same thing. I could say I am going to throw knives around my house and it isn't my intention to hit someone with one (and be telling the truth). It was still my intention to throw knives in a house I share with others, knowing they are likely to be present at some point.

corythatwas · 22/05/2016 12:06

FutureGadgetsLab Sun 22-May-16 11:54:45

"Once I knew that it troubled her and she knew that I knew, it simply couldn't be a neutral act any more; it would become part of a power play.

I see that argument. However the light was actively causing harm. Being offended isn't harm. I won't drop the Stephen Fry quote as we all know it but offence in itself means nothing."

Ok. So if my teenage son wants to use sexist and misogynist language around the house, I have to put up with it, because being offended isn't harm and as long as his intentions are just that he wants to do it, it's fine? The feelings of myself and his sister don't matter as long as this is just something he just feels like doing?

RhiWrites · 22/05/2016 12:07

Can your husband keep a robe in the laundry room to change into when he sticks the gym kit in the wash?

It's a bit of a pain to change his routine but at 18 won't your daughter be likely at uni within the year? Then he can go back to his usual routine.