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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it's ok to be naked in front of your teens?

904 replies

Blackearlgrey · 22/05/2016 08:12

DP and I have always been very carefree about nakedness and as our DC (all girls) have got older I have picked up that they're no longer all totally happy about this. Recently this has come to a head with the youngest (18) saying that she really doesn't like seeing her dad wander round without clothes on. He's a bit resistant to changing his habits--he exercises every morning, then puts his sweaty gym kit in the wash, before working his way to the shower in the altogether. Our other two, who are older, are a bit more relaxed about it, in fact the oldest one says she's glad this was our practice, so that she knew from an early age what adult bodies looked like. (I can identify with that, as I didn't know until several years after I DTD for the first time!) I've been happy to try to avoid the DC seeing me without clothes on if it makes them feel uncomfortable, but AIBU to think that as this is our home, me and DP are entitled to live as we choose. NB. No nakedness in communal areas when we have house guests of course.

I'm guessing I'm going to get responses from all parts of the spectrum here, from "It's no problem, everyone in the family gets their kit off at the earliest opportunity" right the way through to "Actually, I have never seen my husband's body with the light on". But interested to see what the overall view is. AIBU?

OP posts:
Myinlawsdidthisthebastards · 22/05/2016 11:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dodobookends · 22/05/2016 11:37

This is possibly the most bonkers thread I have ever read on here. I cannot for the moment think of anything a teenage girl would want to see less than a view of an adult male relative's genitals. It is beyond embarrassing at that age.

If he wouldn't dream of marching around starkers in front of his teenage niece, his SIL, his dd's friends, or guests in his house, then surely he could show a bit of consideration for her feelings. It isn't a lot to ask.

SoupDragon · 22/05/2016 11:37

If you are simply going about your business and someone doesn't like it, that is their problem. You are not doing it to them

Thus it is, presumably, OK for your teen to play explicit rap music at full volume all day as part of their going about their business of being a teen.

Living in a house with others requires compromise. Why someone would deliberately continue to do something unnecessary that they know a loved one finds uncomfortable?

NeedACleverNN · 22/05/2016 11:38

NN was he doing it with the intention of shocking people? Bit different to just walking past your window naked

I don't know as I didn't know my neighbour apart from knowing he was a bit of a twat.
Whether he did it to shock or did it because he wanted to is no different really.

He can walk round his house as naked as he wants but to stand in the window twice a day and therefore exposing himself to little kids is not on

Myinlawsdidthisthebastards · 22/05/2016 11:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PUGaLUGS · 22/05/2016 11:39

Why can't he go straight upstairs from the gym and undress in the bedroom? He can then when he comes down fully dressed after showering put his gym stuff in the wash.

If my teens walk into MY bedroom or ensuite knowing that I am in there then they or I have no problem with this however I see no reason why he has to walk around the house naked knowing it makes her feel uncomfortable.

FutureGadgetsLab · 22/05/2016 11:40

Bastards no. That's abhorrent and autonomy should always be respected. No one should violate someone else's space. No one should touch someone who doesn't want to be touched, whatever the reason. But when the act doesn't affect anyone else, for example walking around naked, that isn't anyone else's business.

Augusta it would be nice of him to respect her wishes, however she's perfectly free to leave if she objects to that and he wants to do it regardless. In his own house he can dress how he wants.

I wouldn't dream of going to a friends and demanding they put clothes on! How rude I would be if I did.

Dinkiedoo · 22/05/2016 11:40

sounds wrong to me. My dad liked to walk round naked but when we objected he stopped.Think we were about nine.

almondpudding · 22/05/2016 11:41

'Almond he is just walking naked. If they happen to see him, they happen to see him. I don't think he is deliberately finding them and then walking naked? If so that is different.'

No, he is walking naked in the place that they live. That is his intent.

It is rational to believe that if you do something in the public areas of a house someone lives in, they will frequently witness you doing that thing. So rationally, his intention must be to expose himself to other family members.

FutureGadgetsLab · 22/05/2016 11:41

bastards yes, because as a society we are prudish about nudity. It's a shame.

Myinlawsdidthisthebastards · 22/05/2016 11:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FutureGadgetsLab · 22/05/2016 11:42

Almond I would argue his intent is to do what he wishes and he doesn't care whether he's seen or not. Slight but important difference.

FutureGadgetsLab · 22/05/2016 11:42

Bastards again your view is not the only view, your view is not objectively right, stop talking to me in a condescending manner because my view on parenting is radically different to yours.

AugustaFinkNottle · 22/05/2016 11:43

Future, I just don't understand why you think being naked in front of someone who you know finds it uncomfortable isn't intentionally doing something to them. The fact that it's previously been your normal practice is really irrelevant once you know that you are habitually making them feel uncomfortable.

Take the example of someone who is in the habit of occasionally humming while they work, Totally legal practice, nothing wrong with it. But then a colleague with sensory sensitivity to noise moves to the next desk and tells them that the humming is extremely uncomfortable for them and they can't concentrate. The hummer decides that they're being illogical and carries on despite knowing the other person is being caused discomfort every time. Are they then knowingly and deliberately causing problems for their neighbour, or just carrying on with their normal business?

almondpudding · 22/05/2016 11:44

'Almond I would argue his intent is to do what he wishes and he doesn't care whether he's seen or not. Slight but important difference.'

Factually that is not that case. He does not expose himself to other people in other situations. He does care about being seen naked by other people.

corythatwas · 22/05/2016 11:45

FutureGadgetsLab Sun 22-May-16 11:32:30

"Cory Again though that is "doing something" to someone. If this girls dad was running into her room in the buff unannounced then that is flashing, it's done with the intent to shock and isn't on.

But doing an innocent act, naked, is nothing sexual or to get worked up about."

The difficulty with the scenario I was raising is that there is no guide to recognise when a certain behaviour slips into the non-innocent. The girl does not have access to the inside of her father's head, how can she know whether an act is intended to be totally innocent, or to shock her, or to demonstrate that "I am the boss around here, your feelings don't count and I intend to remind you of that"? She can't. The only way she can judge this is if he generally appears to respect her boundaries.

The thing with having teen children is that you need to recognise that not only do people do things differently, but that your teens are people in their own right, that your house is their only safe place, and that therefore their differences also need to be respected.

My 16yo can't move out tomorrow if something about us makes him uncomfortable: he is still at school, has nowhere to go and no money. It is my duty to provide a home where he can feel as comfortable about himself as I do about myself.

almondpudding · 22/05/2016 11:45

What about in a shop trying on clothes? Is it okay for people just to strip naked on the shop floor?

ForalltheSaints · 22/05/2016 11:47

Asking dad to put a towel round him does not seem unreasonable.

AugustaFinkNottle · 22/05/2016 11:47

Peeing everywhere harms others. It is unclean and it damages their property.

But, Future, the example I gave was of a man peeing in his own house despite knowing his family didn't like it. You suggested that, because it's his house that he's wandering round naked in, that's OK. Surely he can choose to dirty and damage his own house?

FutureGadgetsLab · 22/05/2016 11:50

Augusta the sensory sensitive person can't close his ears. A better example would be for hummer to hum maybe for an hour maximum.

The sensory sensitive person could take his lunch break for that time.

Doing it constantly would be unfair.

Almond perhaps he feels comfortable around his family?

Cory I agree she can't see into his head and she only has whether he generally respects boundaries to go on.

I agree with the latter bit within reason. But I don't think walking to the shower is as big a deal as people are making it out to be.

AugustaFinkNottle · 22/05/2016 11:51

Augusta it would be nice of him to respect her wishes, however she's perfectly free to leave if she objects to that and he wants to do it regardless. In his own house he can dress how he wants.

I very specifically didn't suggest in the scenario I gave that he would be in his own house. The problem is that if your son's friend objects to him taking his clothes off in front of her and he refuses to accede to her wishes, her next step may well be to go straight to the police.

FutureGadgetsLab · 22/05/2016 11:51

Augusta not when it's other people's property that he is dirtying.

I go by the harm principle. If you aren't causing harm to anyone else, it's fine. Being offended isn't harm.

corythatwas · 22/05/2016 11:52

Augusta's example of the hummer is not a bad analogy (though of course the workplace is a less sensitive place than the home). I have a colleague who is sensitive to bright light. Before we shared an office I used to have the blinds pulled up all the time. It didn't actually mean anything to me, it was just something I liked doing. It causes her discomfort. If I carried on doing that when we both know that she is severely inconvienced by blinds pulled up and I am very minimally inconvenienced by blinds in use, then I would be sending a very clear message that your great inconvenience doesn't matter as much as my small inconvenience. And every time I pulled up those blinds I would be reinforcing that message. Once I knew that it troubled her and she knew that I knew, it simply couldn't be a neutral act any more; it would become part of a power play.

RortyCrankle · 22/05/2016 11:52

I think its yukky and never saw either of my parents naked but then I'm old and I guess people didn't go naked in those days.

I think your DH should be understanding of your DD and either leave his pants on or use a towel - it wouldn't kill him would it.

FutureGadgetsLab · 22/05/2016 11:52

Augusta you said if she comes to visit. So I thought it would be his house.

In someone else's house you respect their wishes. In mine you respect mine.