To leave my drunk vomiting crying husband to it?

[Whyiseverynameitryinuse]

Husband has been in a grumpy mood (swearing at the sat nav, overreacting to annoyances) all day. This evening he drank a bottle of red wine (minus one half glass I drank) then started on the whisky.

Then he started criticising me. I figured it was mostly the drink and tried not to get drawn, just saying I didn't want to talk about now and leaving the room. Apparently he then drank another half the bottle of whisky.

Next thing I know I hear him crying in the bathroom, so I go up to see if he's ok, and end up patting his back while he throws up. I try to look after him, and then he starts laying into me calling me a 'bitch' etc. I tell him if he doesn't stop attacking me I'll leave. He says that's 'emotional blackmail', then starts insulting me and I leave. The crying starts again, so I go back up. He cries about his (deceased) parents, I hug him,comfort him, he talks about life being too hard and wanting to die. I tell him I love him, and he has lots of friends and family that love him.

Then he starts attacking me again calling me an evil bitch who's ruining his life. I told him to please stop, but he wouldn't, so I said I was leaving but if he needed me to call. He said nobody that loved him could leave him like that and it proved what a horrible person I was.

I'm downstairs but I can hear him being sick and crying. I feel awful, I don't want to leave him suffering, but I don't want to be sworn and shouted at either. I'm terrified he'll hurt himself. Am I being a terrible person staying down here til he becomes less belligerent?

Dhs cousin has strangled his mother half to death twice that I know of, Hit his father and went to prison for that - I do imagine this was on a backdrop of a litany of offences, smoked dope daily, forced his mother to steal circa 20k from his grandma, couldn't hold down a job.

He stopped talking/eating and was assumed catatonic. He spent two weeks in some kind of respite facility in France and spent the two weeks chatting with a lad recovering from a car accident and smoking weed. He refused to participate in all counselling then and since.

I assure all those questioning, this is a very very troubled man, fucked up from birth by an ocd violent bully and an enabling, battered mother. DH and I tried to get him away from them. He refused.

Mental health problems come in many forms and are far more prolific than we could possibly imagine.

He drank too much and got emotional, it doesn't mean he's depressed even if he said he wants to die. If he is depressed he needs to quit the alcohol because it's just makes it worse. The OP doesn't have to put up with abuse no matter what his mental health status is. I think she was very kind to go back as many times as she did. Letting him sleep it off and addressing the issues raised once sober will do far more good than arguing with a drunk. I hope there are no children and the OP can get to the root of this with a sincere apology coming her way.

If he does have depression it may be that he's taking it out on the OP, no excuse but he needs to make sure he is addressing his illness and changing this behaviour. I've been through it myself, being angry and getting annoyed over little things, especially towards DH. But I recognised it was depression and it doesn't happen now. He may need support and understanding but that isn't endless.

This man is saying he wants to die folks.
To be fair, that has been said by many when puking their guts up after mixing alcohol and drinking too much. I can see why some would be taking that bit with a pinch of salt.

Otoh, he could very well have unresolved issues with his parents' deaths. It's not like people just forget those they were close to and live happily ever afte when those people pass on. Especially if there were some traumatic circumstances surrounding the deaths.

As for the making shit up thing, OP if he concedes he was completely wasted and obviously not the one with the best recollection of events last night, there may be hope for him yet. If not, divorce it is then.

Whatever his issues, it doesn't excuse him behaving like that towards you. Just because he may have mental health issues or other stuff going on doesn't necessarily mean he isn't aware that his behaviour is not on.

God, the fucking ignorance on here is shocking.

It really is. I thought we had come a long way in understanding it, obviously not.

Mental illness is not an excuse for poor behaviour and NOBODY is under any obligation to stay with someone just because they are mentally ill.

Well clearly not. However, if he is unwell the OP might actually want to stay with him and support him while he gets help. If she doesn't then of course that is her choice.

Mental illness is often a reason for poor behaviour if they are untreated.

If someone is psychotic for example then they have no control over their behaviour. That's just a fact. Even if someone isn't psychotic a deep depression that hasn't been treated can change your personality and they can't help that any more than someone can help the physical changes that goes along with a physical illness. Of course, once diagnosed you can start treatment and learn to handle things better and no one has to stick around if they don't want to, but to say mental illness isn't an excuse for poor behaviour is shockingly ignorant.

I am totally with U2 and penguin on this, the man was saying he wants to die ffs.
No, the OP doesn't have to put up with this behaviour but I did exactly this when I was in the deepest darkest place of depression and therefore it is quite possible he IS having some sort of breakdown. The advice from some to dump him/divorce him/call the police straightaway is bollocks, would any decent, suppportive partner (man or woman) really think that's the answer unless a person is doing this continually?!
NONE of us know if this is a one off or a pattern until the OP tells us, so lets not totally lynch the poor guy just yet.

I don't think people are explaining it very well.

Yes, mental illness can make you behave horrifically and very out of character.
That doesn't mean you're a bad person, it means you're ill and need help.
But you can't expect people to tolerate abusive behaviour regardless of whether it was caused by mental illness or not.
The abusive words aren't any less painful just because they're caused by illness. It's not pleasant to be spoken to like that and OP does not have to stay with him if she doesn't want to.

It's very hard to be in a relationship with someone who is mentally ill. There are lots of threads on here where posters have struggled with depressed/bipolar partners and where people have said it's okay to leave. It's a very draining way to live (I say that as the person who's been depressed and the person who's dated someone with a mental illness) and if it becomes too much you have to put yourself first. It's not healthy to ignore your own mental health to support someone else.

If other people's partners have stayed with them through mental illness, that's amazing, but you cannot expect everyone else to do the same.

Even if he's genuinely mentally ill to the point where he can't be held responsible for his actions, OP is not obliged to take abuse and be destroyed herself. It's not her responsibility to fix him at the cost of herself. Abusing her won't make him better anyway.

It's not the description of the husband that stick out for me: I agree that they could well be the signs of mental illness.

It's what the OP tells us about herself: that when her husband gets drunk and calls her names while she tries to comfort him "she feels so guilty". How is that a normal reaction to a situation like this? It suggests to me somebody who is in the habit of being "in the wrong".

If he's having a mental health crisis and is in the middle of a psychotic episode, I expect the OP will find out tomorrow when he has to go back to work.

yes with them through mental illness, that's amazing, but you cannot expect everyone else to do the same.

No one has.

My husband has never treated me awfully due to his illness. We just got lucky that his mental illness doesn't work that way and even at his lowest moments he has always been nothing but lovely to me. If he did treat me like shit when he got ill I wouldn't stick around for long. However, if OP's husband is ill treatment could mean he would never do it again.

Right now this is all hypothetical of course and I would never advise anyone to stay in a marriage with a mentally ill person who is going to abuse them, but I have known many people who were awful to people when they first got ill, they got treatment and never repeated their behaviour again.

No one here expects anyone to tolerate abusive behaviour. DH knows that if his mental illness ever manifests that way and happens more than once I'm out. I will always protect myself and my children first.

Right now, there is nothing to say that this behaviour would continue if he is unwell and if he got treatment.

Of course op has a choice to stay or leave the relationship. No we cannot categorically say he has mh issues but I would like to quote the stats:

"1in 4 people in the uk will experience a mental health problem each year." MIND

All I would say is I think know that if my DF could go back in time and leave the first time this happened, she would.
Many years later she has realised she can't help him and the situation continues on a constant cycle, but now she's in too deep.
I've been there too. Don't have DC with this man, he won't change and you'll be entangled in it, trying to protect your DC from it, and worrying about the example it is setting them and emotional impact it will have forever.

OP is not obliged to take abuse and be destroyed herself.

Just as well no one said that isn't it?

Not one person has said she is obliged to take abuse. I would be the first to leave my marriage if my husband's illness manifested that way.

Anyway, I have a ferret to walk

cory is this habitual? I thought op said not. Have I missed something? I really didn't think so

People are talking as though the OP's husband is an alcoholic and this is a familiar pattern of behaviour for him. Neither are true.

Even if he does have MH issues, you can't save him. He has to be willing to address that himself. You can support him, but if he doesn't want to deal with it himself there is really nothing to support.

hownotto I get that and I do t think anyone is advocating that either.

Janecc Sun 22-May-16 13:23:40

"cory is this habitual? I thought op said not. Have I missed something? I really didn't think so"

She has not said it is habitual; you are quite right.

I just think it is odd that her first reaction is to feel guilty. If someone in my household falls ill, that would not be my first reaction, dearly as I love them. And if they were abusive in their language or behaviour in their illness, I might feel sorry for them, but I would not feel I was to blame. She does.

Even if he does have MH issues, you can't save him. He has to be willing to address that himself

You are right. But give him a chance. If he is unwell he might not even understand what is going on himself yet.

There is every chance that if he is ill he will address it.

Why don't people read what the OP has said instead of making up stuff about him suffering psychosis and being depressed.

He drank a bottle of wine and half a bottle of whisky. He was sick and got nasty. He cried and got sentimental about his mum and dad dying. Any landlord of a pub could tell you that's what happens when you drink that much.

Alcohol is a depressant so yes, he will be in a foul mood today. That doesn't mean he's depressed.

The way he's behaved has been horrible to the OP, both today and yesterday and she shouldn't have to put up with it. FWIW I would think again about TTC with someone who can be so nasty.

Do you think the hotel will accept an unwilling guest covered in vomit?
They do where I am. No joke.

As for 101, the local police authority to me encourages people to use it for non-emergency police related matters. From things like kids riding off-road bikes on the road, to providing any information about current incidents they're investigating.
In OP's case, her husband was in distress and drunk and aggressive (although not physically so, yet). Why should someone not call 101 in that situation where another person is potentially a danger to themselves if not others around them?
And if he escalates to making threats if it happens again, then that's certainly a police matter yes? Or is it okay because he's drunk, in the privacy of his own home, and it's only his wife that's on the receiving end of it all?

Janecc I know when you love someone and then they behave in this way, it's a shock and a very natural reaction can be to want to save them. Especially when they appear unable to do so themselves, you almost want to save them from themselves. I've learnt the hard way that what many people told me was true, you can't.
I wasn't meaning to disagree with anyone, my post was purely for the OP's benefit

Why don't people read what the OP has said instead of making up stuff about him suffering psychosis and being depressed.

Why don'y you read the rest, where he had been acting out of character all day before he started drinking?

You might be right, he might just be a nasty drunk person, but it doesn't hurt to mention that he might also be unwell. The OP can dismiss it if she knows that isn't true or likely.

We only kept focusing on him possibly being ill because others said being ill isn't an excuse etc and then it became a hypothetical debate for the most part.

No one is saying he is definitely ill, but it is something to consider.

I stayed upstairs for a bit and he has left the house. I feel relieved.

I really don't suspect another woman. Or that he's just decided he doesn't want kids. If he just wanted out of this relationship I don't think he'd have to make it this hard, iyswim.

Although I've only seen him crying-vomitting-level drunk on one other occasion, he does drink. I'm not much of a drinker, and only ever drink socially so it's hard to say if it's a lot? He drinks a couple of beers and a glass of whisky on weekend nights, but when stressed/upset he drinks more -skips the beers, has several whiskys and puts himself to bed, sort of thing.

He has described his drinking as a self destructive impulse before, but he also just says he drinks 'so he'll sleep '.

He does have form for getting a bit angry when stressed. Not ever at me before, but muttering swears at inanimate objects that get in his way for a few hours til he calms down. He has never been at all violent toward me.

I am worried this is a mental health issue. I have zero idea what to do if it is.

Imperial he drank as a result of his mood. Yes, drink is a depressant so his feelings were polarised and he's still under the influence of alcohol today. Op is clear his moody behaviour started earlier in the day.