To leave my drunk vomiting crying husband to it?

[Whyiseverynameitryinuse]

Husband has been in a grumpy mood (swearing at the sat nav, overreacting to annoyances) all day. This evening he drank a bottle of red wine (minus one half glass I drank) then started on the whisky.

Then he started criticising me. I figured it was mostly the drink and tried not to get drawn, just saying I didn't want to talk about now and leaving the room. Apparently he then drank another half the bottle of whisky.

Next thing I know I hear him crying in the bathroom, so I go up to see if he's ok, and end up patting his back while he throws up. I try to look after him, and then he starts laying into me calling me a 'bitch' etc. I tell him if he doesn't stop attacking me I'll leave. He says that's 'emotional blackmail', then starts insulting me and I leave. The crying starts again, so I go back up. He cries about his (deceased) parents, I hug him,comfort him, he talks about life being too hard and wanting to die. I tell him I love him, and he has lots of friends and family that love him.

Then he starts attacking me again calling me an evil bitch who's ruining his life. I told him to please stop, but he wouldn't, so I said I was leaving but if he needed me to call. He said nobody that loved him could leave him like that and it proved what a horrible person I was.

I'm downstairs but I can hear him being sick and crying. I feel awful, I don't want to leave him suffering, but I don't want to be sworn and shouted at either. I'm terrified he'll hurt himself. Am I being a terrible person staying down here til he becomes less belligerent?

The OP has not said either way if this is habitual. However, I would hazard a guess that the fact she is asking about what to do suggests it's a first. Or recently new behaviour.
I Could of course be totally wrong.

he talks about life being too hard and wanting to die.

Drunk talk?

Or did he get drunk because he is depressed?

Could be either, couldn't it.

I'm glad he's gone out.

Do you have any idea what might have triggered this behaviour Why? Are you worried about him coming back?

U2 I hope so, and I'm glad your situation has had a more positive outcome then either of mine.
And I agree with what you say, that's what I mean by you can't save but you can support.

OP, what else has lead you to be worried about his mental health?

Is it just this one issue or are their other behaviours that have worried you and which are out of character?

Assuming it is, There is nothing you can actually do because he has to want help himself. You could go and get mental health information or speak to a counsellor to give you support. Please be careful not to get into a cycle of abuse, where he blames you long term or it will be you, who needs counselling as well as him.

What an absolute jerk. Sorry to hear about your experience. Hope things are sorted for you soon xxx

'Self destructive impulse' and 'drink to sleep' sounds familiar

'As for 101, the local police authority to me encourages people to use it for non-emergency police related matters.'

This isn't a police matter. What crime do you think he has committed?

This man is saying he wants to die folks. It sounds like depression or more.

Nope, sounds like he got pissed out of his head, and alcohol's a depressant. He's a maudlin drunk.

I haven't read everything, just thought that it sounded like he actually thinks that OP has done something bad, like there's another man or something. We obviously don't know why he thinks that she's a horrible person and has ruined his life. It was just a guess.

hownotto. Just saw your post. Oh I see - I thought it was to us not op. Sorry getting a bit "over involved". .

Congratulations. Let's hope he sticks to the divorce idea. You'll be well rid of this absolute arse of a man.

Oh, apologies I didn't see the OPs update about seeing him drunk like this on only one other occasion when I posted my last comment.
OP, he sounds a lot like my father TBH. He always 'liked a drink' as he put it, always had a few glasses of whiskey at home after work. Trouble was, he'd always have one to many, become nasty and spiteful verbally and then slam off up to bed. I seem to have memories of many many evenings as a child spent tiptoeing around him because Mum said 'don't to anything to annoy your father'.
Anyway, this continued until dad ended up a full-blown alcoholic. I'm totally NOT saying this is what's going to happen to your DH, but it wasn't until my sister and I were trying to get help for him during his first 'binge' that the family gp said that in his opinion Dad had always used alcohol to self-medicate for anxiety.
Looking back, I think he was right. And I think had Dad not been from the generation of 'stiff upper lip' where men are MEN and don't cry or let people down, he would have felt more able too seek proper help instead of using alcohol.
It's certainly possible that your DH is suffering in a similar way.

He has described his drinking as a self destructive impulse before, but he also just says he drinks 'so he'll sleep '.
That is really not good OP :( I've been there, it can end badly. My exP's ex banned him from drinking vodka. I didnt. He had a major crazy heel turn after a period of seeming happy, blaming me for all sorts of things and calling me really nasty stuff. Got physical too, and was all threatening to split up with it.
Before then he'd be stressed and angry, but I'd be able to calm him down. He'd even stopped drinking in the beginning. But it all gradually came back and he'd start taking his anger out on me verbally or physically on inanimate objects, getting angry at me for not calming him down like I used to, until the time mentioned where it just went ridiculously crazy.

That you feel relieved he's out of the house says a lot tbh.

If it's mental health stuff underneath it all, you can't force him to get help. He has to acknowledge the possibility and want to be helped. And in the mood it sounds like he's in at the moment, he likely won't be in the right place to consider that there could be something up MH-wise.

If he comes back full of apologies and remorse and claims to not want a divorce, makes big romantic gestures and insists on you having a baby together... Don't take it at face value, have a break from him for a bit.

I think the very fact your DH has said before that 'he drinks to sleep' is a marker that he is suffering from some underlying problem he wants to escape from.
AS for what you can do about it if it IS a MH issue...I'm not completely sure, but I don't think you can force him to see the gp or do anything much unless he admits he has a problem with alcohol/something else and is willing to go see someone. I'm sure someone with better advice will be along soon.

I agree with Stable about self-medication with alcohol having the potential (although it doesn't always happen, obviously) to develop into full-blown alcoholism. This is exactly what happened to me. I had never even been drunk until the age of 29 and had never liked the taste, but it seemed a way of escaping even briefly from an intolerable situation. Some years later (again, I had no idea that I would develop alcoholism and wasn't a daily drinker or anything) I was sectioned for claiming that I wanted to kill myself and giving details as to when and how - once I had sobered up the psychiatric ward, I was full of remorse and shame and was released after two days.

The OP's DH might have MH issues or might be turning to alcohol because of some underlaying or unresolved issues - either way a visit to his GP would be a starting point.

OP, do you mind my asking a little more about your relationship? You say he gets into moods where he mutters and swears at inanimate objects for a few hours. How does that make you feel? Do you feel confident enough to laugh at him or tell him to shut up because it is annoying you? Or do you tiptoe around feeling tense? Do you moderate your own actions so as to avoid triggering these outbursts?

(personal experience: dh does go into swearing at inanimate objects but he would never clock up as much as an hour because we all tell him to stop, nobody feels intimidated by him)

You say he drinks when stressed and upset (even if not to this level): before this last outburst, did you feel intimidated by his behaviour at these times? Did it get in the way of his contributions to family life? Previous to this outburst, would you have felt safe telling him that his drinking is at unacceptable levels?

You talk a lot about wanting to support him (and you sound a very lovely person), but previous to this latest outburst, was he equally into supporting you?

Ill or not, his treatment of op is appalling

He wants a divorce, he leaves

if he is willing to seek help for mental health issues he can still do that, but without using his wife as an emotional punchbag

do we think that he will seek help though ?

Hope your ok OP, this sounds very awful. Am thinking of you.

He sounds like someone that needs AA

If he does not accept:
a) he was way out of line and apologise genuinely
b) he is unwell and see a Dr
I would say that is it. If you put up with this, it is a signal to him that he is allowed to do this and treat you like this.

Leave before he returns and tell him he can have a divorce. If he wants to go ahead you know where you are. Otherwise, the two conditions above apply before you go back.

Keep yourself safe. He sounds self-indulgent emotionally to me - it is always risky because it so easily tips over into loss of control and blaming other people because 'life is so unfair'.

What indicates to you that this is a MH issue OP?

To me, it sounds like he wants out, doesn't quite know how to go about it so is playing the role of being a cunt so you leave him. The rest is all fabricated to make him look like the victim e.g. She laughed at me when I was pouring my heart out - she didn't beg me to stay with her, so cold-hearted - I was having a MH crisis and she didn't even try. All very ridiculous, but if he is willing to lie to you about it when you were there and sober you can bet he will make you out to be the bad person in this.

Get your affairs in order no matter what you or anyone else thinks about this franky bizarre turn of events.

This isn't a police matter. What crime do you think he has committed?
I'm not talking about calling them for last night. Good grief. And you don't need to call the police for crimes only - it's the police and courts who decide if a crime has been committed . You can call them when concerned for someone's safety for a start (which I have done and had done to me, and would be applicable in OP's case for last night). I'm just not very sympathetic to her husband, or anyone who gets wasted due to anger issues and then takes it out on the people who love them.

Besides, I don't think anyone should wait until their partner is threatening to kill them or squeezing the life out of them in a misplaced drunken rage if there are incidents beforehand that are of concern. Doing so could get them both help and support to prevent an actual crime being committed (crime prevention, another thing the police are big on).

This thread's really odd. Full of Florence Nightingales busy diagnosing him and soothing his troubled brow. Tl;dr - man drinks stupid amount, abuses wife, is vile again in the morning and stomps out.

No wife should put up with this. The wiser course is to ask him to go elsewhere for a few days to reflect. Or, if he won't, go yourself - but his refusing would be a further indication of contempt for your wellbeing.

I agree it's a worry that you keep putting yourself last in this, Why. Whatever's the matter with him, it's not something you can fix for him, and nor should you try.

Perhaps you might use your 'reflection' time to explore how you became so self-effacing that you feel guilty when someone treats you like shit.