To leave my drunk vomiting crying husband to it?

[Whyiseverynameitryinuse]

Husband has been in a grumpy mood (swearing at the sat nav, overreacting to annoyances) all day. This evening he drank a bottle of red wine (minus one half glass I drank) then started on the whisky.

Then he started criticising me. I figured it was mostly the drink and tried not to get drawn, just saying I didn't want to talk about now and leaving the room. Apparently he then drank another half the bottle of whisky.

Next thing I know I hear him crying in the bathroom, so I go up to see if he's ok, and end up patting his back while he throws up. I try to look after him, and then he starts laying into me calling me a 'bitch' etc. I tell him if he doesn't stop attacking me I'll leave. He says that's 'emotional blackmail', then starts insulting me and I leave. The crying starts again, so I go back up. He cries about his (deceased) parents, I hug him,comfort him, he talks about life being too hard and wanting to die. I tell him I love him, and he has lots of friends and family that love him.

Then he starts attacking me again calling me an evil bitch who's ruining his life. I told him to please stop, but he wouldn't, so I said I was leaving but if he needed me to call. He said nobody that loved him could leave him like that and it proved what a horrible person I was.

I'm downstairs but I can hear him being sick and crying. I feel awful, I don't want to leave him suffering, but I don't want to be sworn and shouted at either. I'm terrified he'll hurt himself. Am I being a terrible person staying down here til he becomes less belligerent?

Is he mentally unwell do you think OP?

Did you have any concerns about his mental health before last night? I know someone who acted the same when he was having an untreated episode of depression that was bordering on psychosis and paranoia.

He might just be an arse but it's worth considering maybe? I would hate for people to label him as an arsehole when he could be really ill.

It's all too easy for us to say LTB, but if this is out of character for him he could be unwell. There could be another woman for sure, but crying and saying he wants to die could mean he is ill right now and needs help, not a verbal kicking from the MN masses.

If there is another woman then he deserves all the names he has been called but until anyone knows for sure what is going on with him it isn't really helpful to the OP to tell her to LTB right now.

I'm so sorry OP

Well we don't know is he ill...Do not show him this thread. He knows right well what he did. He is still doing it this morning!!
It would be unusual for someone who had some sort of condition to go for three years being a lovely guy - never showing an inkling of this, and then suddenly get drunk and start swearing at someone. And then be the same when they are sober. Completely Unremorseful.
He barricaded her out of the bedroom. So instead of him going to the spare room to get away from her - he wanted to punish her by keeping her out of her own room. He Wants to Punish Her. No one else, her.
It doesn't sound like a paranoid illness to me, otherwise there would have been signs before.
How close is it coming to him becoming physically abusive?
If she leaves the house for any number of days, the locks could be changed when she gets back.
I suspect this episode is not entirely out of the blue. The OP isn't expressing how unlike him this is. If my DH did this, that is the first thing I would have said. I would have expressed my shock and being stunned at this bizarre behaviour.
So maybe there have been other situations where she has put up with his moods and bad temper because she wanted to give the relationship a chance. We don't know.

Call the police so they will make him go to a Travelodge? I'm sorry, but that is actual nonsense. Do you think the police have the power to enter people's homes and remove them for being drunk and rude and force them to spend their own money on a hotel room? Who takes the drunk person to the hotel? Do you think the hotel will accept an unwilling guest covered in vomit?

And even calling 101. What for? "I'd just like to log that my husband has been very rude to me."

I'm sorry, but this ridiculous advice on MN about calling the police means that there are potentially fewer resources available for people who actually are in danger. A call to 101 costs the police money.

I'm sorry for you, OP. He is probably still drunk, so wait to see what he says when he is properly sober.

Wow - I'm stunned. I'm so sorry OP.

You absolutely have to stand your ground here. Do not give him an inch. How fucking dare he?

I see 3 possible scenarios, put here in [my] order of preference!

1. You stand your ground, he maintains he wants a divorce, you divorce, you are happier without him.

1. You stand your ground, he maintains he wants a divorce, you accept, he backtracks fully and never does this again.

1. You stand your ground, he maintains he wants a divorce, you accept, he backtracks fully, but eventually goes back to this behaviour, leading to years of unhappy marriage.

1. You crumble, apologise, and he gets worse and worse as the years go by; years of unhappy marriage.

Basically my point is that no matter what, you must stand your ground, as even if you end up staying together, your relationship will benefit hugely from him understanding the fucking boundaries.

Prick.

And even if he is having a mental crisis, there is no excuse for treating the OP as he has.

Have you ever met anyone who is so ill they are paranoid with it and truly believe that the people they love are treating them poorly?

I have. When they get better they can't believe their behaviour but at the time they had lost touch with reality.

You obviously know very little about mental health.

Ignore my crazy numbering system there! Too cross to be able to count. 4 scenarios. Please choose number 1

It doesn't sound like a paranoid illness to me, otherwise there would have been signs before.

Not everyone recognises the lead up. My husband's parents didn't realise he was on the path to psychosis until he was well in truly in it. Unfortunately the signs aren't always that forthcoming at the start.

My husband can go from being completely 'normal' to severely depressed over night.

And even if he is having a mental crisis, there is no excuse for treating the OP as he has

I don't think you know anything about mental health.

I couldn't agree more U2HasTheEdge

Shocked at people on this thread saying put up with abusive behaviour

I don't think anyone has said that at all.

peridotis yes, thanks. The divorce stats are going round in my head. Still high at 42% but dropped considerably due to cohabitation.
U2 me too. Not my DH btw.

Even if he is mentally unwell, OP doesn't have to live with that if she doesn't want to. Unwell or not, he's behaved in a way that would be a dealbreaker for many people. That's okay. You're under no obligation to stay married to someone because their abusive behaviour was caused by mental illness.

Mentally ill nor not, his behaviour has been horrific. I certainly wouldn't stay married to someone who got so drunk they pissed themselves, called me a bitch, told me I was a horrible person and then continued that behaviour in the morning. He was sober enough to clean the bathroom, do laundry etc. but he still told the OP how horrible she is and demanded a divorce!

Why should she stay with someone who is capable of being so nasty to her? Mental illness is not an excuse for poor behaviour and NOBODY is under any obligation to stay with someone just because they are mentally ill.

He's trying to apportion the blame onto you and make his behaviour your fault and your responsibility. That has nothing to do with mental health issues. He's just abusive. I hope you call his bluff.

Quite right, U2.

Having been the angry, aggressive, unreasonable person I know only too well how little control I had and how much DH had to put up with.

30 years on and we are still together, my issues are long over, we can talk about it but no longer fear it.

Before OP consigns her DH and marriage to the bin she might want to make sure he is OK. Only she knows if the relationship is worth working on and if this is such an aberration that he needs help.

Whatever happens, Whyisevery , keep yourself safe, physically and emotionally. Good luck

I see there have been a lot of posts since I responded to u2. I mean I've known someone with very paranoid and poor mental health. DH and I had to walk away in the end because of his mother's enabling behaviour - she also has severe mh issues. Can't section people in France! Did ask the doctor.

My DH drinks far, far too much but has never been mean or abusive or barricaded me out of our bedroom or not given a shit about the bathroom etc. I do think there is something more going on here than just heavy drinking. But I also don't think a mental illness, depression or otherwise, makes someone act like an asshole. You can be depressed and still be a decent person and treat your OH with respect.

This is just how the downward spiral of my marriage started.....I forgave him too many times and ended up a punch bag for a drunk who left me with mountains of debt and left me for a "friend" Please please get legal advice as soon as possible. Mental health issues are NOT a reason for staying with an abusive man who wants to divorce you. I tried believe me....I ended up with court orders to keep him away from me and the marital home. I wish I had run far away when I first got up with a black eye but I didn't....
You may not think he will ever hit you but Im guessing you never thought he would do this either did you....its only baby steps from that sorted of twisted abuse to physical abuse this is why the law has been changed to include legislation that will target those who subject spouses, partners and family members to psychological and emotional torment but stop short of violence.
The Citizens Advice bureau can give you advice as can
24-hour National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline
0808 2000 247
Please call them and talk to them about support and advice
www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/

Please please get some professional advice xxx

But I also don't think a mental illness, depression or otherwise, makes someone act like an asshole. You can be depressed and still be a decent person and treat your OH with respect

Then you don't know shit. OF course mental illness can make a person act like an asshole. Of course you can be depressed and still be a decent person, you can also lash out at the people you love and act pretty cunty: because you are mentally ill.

God, the fucking ignorance on here is shocking.

None of us knows if he is mentally ill, if he has another woman or if he is just a prick.

The only thing the OP can do right now is keep herself safe and try to talk to him when he is more sober and see if she thinks he is mentally unwell or if there is someone else or if he is just an arse. Im sure if he is unwell that will become obvious over the next few days.

People need to lay off the LTB advice before the OP has even had time to work out what is going on. If he is just a prick then yes, she should, but right now this is completely out of character for him and it might be advisable for one of them to leave the house if this behaviour continues. It's too early to call LTB when he is showing signs of being unwell and has never done this before.

OP if you are worried about his mental health at any point call the Mental Health Crisis Team. They might not be able to come out without a GP referral but they can advise you.

How awful, I take it up until yesterday everything was normal.

I wouldn't get entangled in the blame game, obviously at this point in time you are public enemy number one, he won't listen to reason.

Very well said AndTakeYourPenguinWithYou .

Andtakeyourpenguin

I guess I didn't explain myself very well because I am afraid I do know what I am talking about. I have struggled for years with depression and was finally diagnosed as bipolar almost 10 years ago. Have been sectioned, spent time in a secure psychiatric ward more than once, have had the crisis team out, have a lot of friends who struggle with BPD, schizophrenia, etc. So I have seen a lot, I don't feel like I am "fucking ignorant" and I do feel like I know what I'm talking about, so let me try to explain a bit better.

I'm really sorry he is behaving this way. It sounds awful.

From my perspective, sounds like he is behaving badly to force an end to the relationship but turning it around to make it your fault. Barricading you out of the bedroom seems very significant to me. He's angry. He was angry all day yesterday but couldn't express it, created a scene to bring out the anger and is now lying about what you did to justify his decision this morning.

I think you would have see a different reaction this morning if he was ill or in mental health crisis.

This is going to sound weird, but I don;t think it's necessarily been done consciously. He may be convincing himself he's angry at you, when in fact he struggles to cope with what he perceives as responsibilities. Making you the bad guy is a very convenient way to not process his fear that he cannot deliver on what seems a fairly over-thought set of obligations.

That's my armchair psychology. I hope you have some friends and family you can call.

Of course it is possible that your husband has been struck with sudden mental illness and is not responsible for his actions. It is a horrible thing to happen.

But two of your posts do seen to stand out for me.

The first is where your main concern about him blocking you out of the bathroom was about the fact that he would be uncomfortable in the morning. I love my dh dearly, we have been together for over 30 years and I would be devastated if something happened to him. But in a situation like this, I would still give some thought to my own situation and my own discomfort, and would feel perfectly justified in doing that. It just makes me wonder if you have already been conditioned to put your own needs last.

"I don't know how to face him, if he's angry or blames me it's going to really upset me."

And again, here your first thought is fear of you being in the wrong. Do you often feel you are in the wrong?