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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To leave my drunk vomiting crying husband to it?

558 replies

Whyiseverynameitryinuse · 22/05/2016 01:47

Husband has been in a grumpy mood (swearing at the sat nav, overreacting to annoyances) all day. This evening he drank a bottle of red wine (minus one half glass I drank) then started on the whisky.

Then he started criticising me. I figured it was mostly the drink and tried not to get drawn, just saying I didn't want to talk about now and leaving the room. Apparently he then drank another half the bottle of whisky.

Next thing I know I hear him crying in the bathroom, so I go up to see if he's ok, and end up patting his back while he throws up. I try to look after him, and then he starts laying into me calling me a 'bitch' etc. I tell him if he doesn't stop attacking me I'll leave. He says that's 'emotional blackmail', then starts insulting me and I leave. The crying starts again, so I go back up. He cries about his (deceased) parents, I hug him,comfort him, he talks about life being too hard and wanting to die. I tell him I love him, and he has lots of friends and family that love him.

Then he starts attacking me again calling me an evil bitch who's ruining his life. I told him to please stop, but he wouldn't, so I said I was leaving but if he needed me to call. He said nobody that loved him could leave him like that and it proved what a horrible person I was.

I'm downstairs but I can hear him being sick and crying. I feel awful, I don't want to leave him suffering, but I don't want to be sworn and shouted at either. I'm terrified he'll hurt himself. Am I being a terrible person staying down here til he becomes less belligerent?

OP posts:
MissMargie · 22/05/2016 11:57

Some people cause rows in their marriage so that they can justify separating so that they can form a relationship with someone else that they have met.
Is there any chance of that?

Beeziekn33ze · 22/05/2016 11:59

Sorry you feel crushed, you've been abused and kept your cool. You deserved none of this.
Glad you slept and hope you can spend time today with a good friend or relative who cares about you. 💐

kaitlinktm · 22/05/2016 12:01

I agree with DMAAFJ

My bet is that he has decided he doesn't want to be in this relationship anymore and that the TTC has brought things to a head. Instead of acting like a grown-up he's being an arsehole and pushing it on to you to make it your fault

And I would be tempted to say as much to him but then I'm a bitch .

redshoeblueshoe · 22/05/2016 12:04

Bloody hell.
Tell him the door is over there ------->
Honestly, you should tell him to get out of the house today.

AdjustableWench · 22/05/2016 12:06

I'm so sorry. It's awful when the person you thought you loved turns out to be someone you don't know at all. Flowers

Becky546 · 22/05/2016 12:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LyndaNotLinda · 22/05/2016 12:10

Oh god you poor thing :(

Can you go and visit a friend/family and stay with them for a couple of days? I think you'd be better off being somewhere else and with someone else. Flowers

What a horrible git he's being

glassgarden · 22/05/2016 12:11

dailymail is spot on IMO!

AugustaFinkNottle · 22/05/2016 12:12

Tell him you don't want to continue living with a person who makes up totally fictional allegations against you as an excuse for abusing him, and tell him to apologise or get out.

girlinacoma · 22/05/2016 12:12

This has probably been mentioned already OP but could there be someone else? A OW?

His behaviour towards you is uncharacteristic although it sounds as if he has been building towards it. Trying to make you out to be a horrible person may just be his way of trying to justify to himself what he is doing?

I hope I'm wrong but either way - I think you should ask him to leave the house and give you a few weeks space.

BeALert · 22/05/2016 12:14

Show him this thread.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 22/05/2016 12:16

Why show him the thread? So he can hurl more abuse at her?

NameChange30 · 22/05/2016 12:17

Oh FFS, yet another person saying "show him this thread", as if that will achieve anything positive Hmm

Always a terrible idea, that

Janecc · 22/05/2016 12:18

Here's another, who thinks he's got some kind of illness. Mental or other. I expect I was one of those, accused of being a stepford wife. I'm certainly not. DH stayed with me through darkest days of depression, we stayed together through his problems (which I do not wish to discuss) and he's stayed with me even though I'm chronically ill and definitely no model wife - I'm a sahm and manage to cook 1/2 times a week through ill health, I sleep with my 7 yr old because he's too busy helping me out doing the tidying/cooking after work to put her to bed and I'm too tired to put her to bed. He's a good husband.

DH and I have been exactly where you are right now op. Him Bitching/swearing/drinking/him shouting divorce etc. That's why I said what I did up thread. I see things have moved on and I don't know if you like the advice to give him space, let him ride it out or not. What happens now really is your call. I can see you're very level headed and not an abused wife - you didn't come across as one on the original post.

My view is its a terrible shame to throw a marriage away because he's seeming very all or nothing right now. I also wouldn't stay and sleep in the spare room for months on end. If he wants to separate/ a divorce, I would tell him to leave. I left DH once for a few months when I was really fed up - I had to as it was a company house,no kids. We needed the space and it definitely improved our marriage immensely. We both needed thinking time and decided we wanted to be together. We've both matured a lot since then and mellowed I'm happy to say.

It is difficult to see what his issues are but if you can say heart on heart, you've been happy until now, he's probably under immense strain.

HermioneJeanGranger · 22/05/2016 12:19

I think this a blessing in disguise, although it probably doesn't feel like that at the moment.

He sounds thoroughly unpleasant. He drinks to the extent that he can't control his bodily functions and pisses his clothes. He swears at you, calls you a bitch and is abusive to you (drunk or not, it's still abusive). The next day, he doesn't apologise - he continues to tell you you're an awful person!

Please don't invest any more time and energy into this man. If he wants a divorce, he can get a divorce. I don't think you can really come back from this, and you shouldn't want to. He sounds horrendous. Count your blessings - you're young, you don't have children - you can sell the house, take half, divorce and never see him again. You're not tied to him for the rest of your life, at least.

I know that's a very clinical way of looking at it and your head must be all over the place, but try and see it as a good thing - you no longer have to spend your life tiptoeing around an abusive drunk.

Flowers
iloveruby · 22/05/2016 12:20

DON'T SHOW HIM THIS THREAD.....worst advice ever.

glassgarden · 22/05/2016 12:20

Show him the thread!
Wtf??
Would you show your hand in a poker game?
This man is the opponent!

EDisFunny · 22/05/2016 12:21

OP, I am so sorry. He acted horribly and now it sounds like he's going on the attack.

Do you have support close by? You need family or friends right now.

It doesn't sound like there is much you get out from this relationship, please take care of yourself and worry only about you.

Flowers
Peridotisinvalid · 22/05/2016 12:22

I'm glad I'm not the only one Janecc. It's not as though the OP's husband has form for this behaviour and I also think that if the sexes were reversed and a husband was posting about his wife behaving in this way, there would be more people suspecting severe mental distress rather than just being a drunken abusive bastard.

AndTakeYourPenguinWithYou · 22/05/2016 12:25

His behavior was appalling. But some of these response are awful. How is he an alcoholic when the OP has said he's got drunk like this a total of 2 times? All the people calling him an asshole, a prick, a twat....did you not notice the part where he was crying about his dead parents and saying he wanted to die?
I thought there was an emphasis on understanding people with mental health issues on this site?
He sounds quite ill, if anything.

Of course OP doesn't have to put up with this kind of behavior, but all this kicking the man for being depressed (and being a cunt with it, but that can be part of it)...whats that all about?

Wasafatmum42 · 22/05/2016 12:27

I agree with the others who have mentioned that there might be someone else , my past experience I came home from work one day h now exh was drunk crying and wanted to poison himself infront of our daughter once he sobered up the next day he said he wanted to move out, to cut a very long story short two months later I found out as soon as he moved out he moved in with his new woman so op don't rule anything out good luck

LyndaNotLinda · 22/05/2016 12:30

He could have mental health issues or he could just be a maudlin drunk.

And even if he is having a mental crisis, there is no excuse for treating the OP as he has.

What about the OP's mental health?

HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom · 22/05/2016 12:31

Dodged a bullet was the exact phrase that came to my mind too, Mardle

I'm so sorry you're going through this, but it would have been so much worse had you already had children.

Something you said stood out to be. It's possibly quite trivial, but you talk about him being more forward thinking than you, as if he's better at that kind of thing (besides, what you describe is daydreaming - nothing wrong with that, but it's not quite the same). Do you often feel that he's better at things than you are? Does he think he is, too? Because I bet you he's not Flowers

BeALert · 22/05/2016 12:32

The thread shows that the OP was worried and confused. It shows that she was trying to help him. It's all time stamped.

Either it convinces her husband that he behaved like a wanker or he continues abusing her in which case she's right where she was anyway.

Janecc · 22/05/2016 12:34

I'm so glad my DH didn't get advice on me when I was depressed. This man is saying he wants to die folks. It sounds like depression or more. Ok let's just tell op to run away because he's being a turd and he's lashing out emotionally at his wife. I struggle to see how posters can talk so flippantly about mental health while having probably suffered from it, suffering right now or know someone, who struggles with mental health. If he continues to be a shit, no one can save him apart from himself. No,op obviously shouldn't take any responsibility for his behaviour. I think it works something like this:
Narcissism (anger at self mostly deflected and mirrored onto others). Break the narcissistic bubble and you find depression underneath (anger turned inwards). If a person chooses not to deal with depression, they are also very narcissistic.

He's showing both traits right now with a big dollop of woe is me narcissism - so where he will go from here is anyone's guess.