To leave my drunk vomiting crying husband to it?

[Whyiseverynameitryinuse]

Husband has been in a grumpy mood (swearing at the sat nav, overreacting to annoyances) all day. This evening he drank a bottle of red wine (minus one half glass I drank) then started on the whisky.

Then he started criticising me. I figured it was mostly the drink and tried not to get drawn, just saying I didn't want to talk about now and leaving the room. Apparently he then drank another half the bottle of whisky.

Next thing I know I hear him crying in the bathroom, so I go up to see if he's ok, and end up patting his back while he throws up. I try to look after him, and then he starts laying into me calling me a 'bitch' etc. I tell him if he doesn't stop attacking me I'll leave. He says that's 'emotional blackmail', then starts insulting me and I leave. The crying starts again, so I go back up. He cries about his (deceased) parents, I hug him,comfort him, he talks about life being too hard and wanting to die. I tell him I love him, and he has lots of friends and family that love him.

Then he starts attacking me again calling me an evil bitch who's ruining his life. I told him to please stop, but he wouldn't, so I said I was leaving but if he needed me to call. He said nobody that loved him could leave him like that and it proved what a horrible person I was.

I'm downstairs but I can hear him being sick and crying. I feel awful, I don't want to leave him suffering, but I don't want to be sworn and shouted at either. I'm terrified he'll hurt himself. Am I being a terrible person staying down here til he becomes less belligerent?

GarlicShake hits the nail right on the head:

abuse nearly always is the result of dysfunctional thinking, emotional dysregulation and general stress. Those factors are causes of abuse, not excuses or get-out clauses. They are part and parcel of 'an abuser'.

It's impossible to "love them better". Nice idea, but a partner can't replace the facts of a person's past, or change the configuration of their mind.

I just don't agree with those advocating the "love of a good woman will cure him" fairy tale. I don't think it actually works like that. How it actually works is that your life is destroyed too. You are important, you are precious, your life and happiness are valuable.

TBH, if the OP calls the GP, or ambulance, or 999 and says, "My husband is drunk and mean and saying he hates me and wants to kill himself," I don't think the overstretched authorities will spring to action. I think that this sort of behaviour in a certain subgroup of men is so common, and so accepted by our society that she will be given the brush off. I suppose one way to find out is for her to go ahead and make the call. If no one is really bothered, she has her answer: save yourself.

I'm so sorry you married an alcoholic, it's so hard when they show their true colours.

You say he had drinking problems before when his parents died, do you think he might be able to access that help again? Couples counselling is not a great idea right now I think, given that he is incapable right now of seeing the harm he is causing you, it wouldn't be helpful to either of you. I would suggest that you call Women's Aid and see if you can speak to someone there about your situation.

You say that you have developed a fixed smile for the occasions where he is being insulting and abusive and this really isn't a good sign.

Right now, your focus probably has to be on helping yourself. Especially as he seems unwilling to engage properly either with your or counselling.

It might be that your marriage can be saved, but right now, you need to protect yourself from his present abusive ways in whatever way you can. Legal advice would also be useful.

Take care OP.

So, he hasn't got drunk and vomited and pissed himself, hurled abuse at the OP and locked her out of her bedroom before.

But this: I realised that when he starts laying into me my face gets a sort of fixed fake smile while I try to get all 'water off a ducks back' about his insults. is abusive. That does not describe a one-off.

Incidentally, I'm single and have never been in an abusive relationship. I've never read Lundy Bancroft either. But I don't think anyone - male or female - should put up with abusive behaviour in a relationship. And as other posters have pointed out, abusers are not generally in a good place mentally. That doesn't mean their nearest and dearest need to stick by them and be verbal (or actual) punchbags.

Golly, nannybeach Sorry you went through that - and very glad you got out!

i suffer from depression and whilst i can be very low sometimes i have never blamed my dh for anything or said its his fault

he doesnt understand much but its stil not his fault

the man does need help but until he admits that you should at least have some sort of break for him to sort things out

And as other posters have pointed out, abusers are not generally in a good place mentally. That doesn't mean their nearest and dearest need to stick by them and be verbal (or actual) punchbags.

I absolutely agree with that. No one should have to put up with abusive behaviour, ever. If he is mentally ill and the OP doesn't want to put up with that or give him a chance then I would never, ever try to convince her otherwise. If my husband went though psychosis and turned abusive I would separate at the very least until he got help, if it happened again I wouldn't risk it happening another time. My husband knows that I will support him through his illness and bad times and I have done so for ten years but the second his illness is taken out on me it changes things and I won't be living with him.

Pointing out that this might be a mental illness if it is completely out of character doesn't mean I think she should stick around and take what he throws at her, it doesn't.

Anyway OP, if you are still reading I hope you are ok and safe.

OP I hope you and your husband realise only he can fix himself. You can help by giving him as much support and information as you like, sign him up to all counselling going but it won't work if he continues with his "I wouldn't have to drink if you did x,y & z" tack. That list will be endless and each time you try to address one point, he'll come up with another.

Classic tale of you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink.

Your husband will only able to be helped when he is ready to accept that help and nothing you or anyone else can do will change that. What you have to decide is are you going to put up with being an emotional punchbag and perhaps one day a real punchbag on the off chance he may one day be ready.
If he won't do it for himself he'll never do it for you, his job, his family.

I've been watching this thread and I've been debating what and if I should write something. Obviously, I don't know the ins and outs of your relationship, OP, but I'm going to share my experience. It might be a bit jumbled up, so bare with me...

About 4 years ago I was in a job that I hated and was making me depressed. I ended up being signed off work for a month and on antidepressants for 4 years (when I got pregnant). What prompted me to go to the doctors was an argument with my OH. I don't know what we had argued about, but I do know that for the months leading up to this we had both been self medicating with alcohol to help us sleep, me more than him. I would blame him for things, he would blame me. He would get violent, not towards me, but towards computer mice. I think he went through 5 mice in a few months.
Anyway, with this argument I remember yelling at him and asking if he even wanted to be with me and if he loved me. I left our flat and came back to it quite a few hours later (one of my friends drove to me and took me back to her place). He had been drinking again and there was a hole in a wall and another in a door.
I'm sure that if at this point I had posted on a forum I would have been told to run for the hills. It's what they all say - violence towards inanimate objects, how easily it could be me.
What I did do, however, was go to the doctors the next day and was signed off work. The argument had made me realise that I wasn't right and was, looking back on it, actually emotionally abusing my OH. It wasn't my intention, but that's what was happening.
Once my mental health problems started improving it helped him see that he also had issues. He was still drinking and being violent, and it was when I told him that I was scared if him and worried that it could easily be me next that the light bulb went on for him. He went to the doctors and ended up on antidepressants as well. In his own way he had been emotionally abusing me as well.
Neither of us intended to abuse the other. And once we had both sorted out our demons we have ended up a stronger couple for getting through it.

I guess what I'm trying to say is only you know your husband OP, to me it sounds like he has some serious issues to deal with. It might be something that you can work through together, it might not. Whatever course you go down I wish you luck.

I had couples counselling with an abusive ex, it was ridiculous. One hour a week talking about our parents, she couldn't talk about our issues until she knew us.

The calls from some of us who have concerns about his mental health are also coming from people who have experienced abuse.

Exactly this

Alcohol and anger is a bad combination, be careful. Any physical aggression - drop him like a stone - he won't change, only get worse.

I think I started doing the 'smile so the person trying to upset you doesn't know which of their words is getting to you' thing around primary school age (I have brothers so it could have been earlier).

My husband has not been verbally abusive before. (We have argued, obviously, nothing like this).

Also, as several people seem concerned I should point out husband and I have barely spent more than a few tense minutes at a time in a room together since this started so there's definitely no 'conceiving' going on.

I don't really know if I should be posting here anymore, my immediate need for virtual hand holding has passed (and I am so grateful that there were strangers willing to talk at silly hours of the morning) but I feel massively unburdened when I do write about it.

Last night when I first came in he was acting really ashamed, offering me cups of tea and mumbling about how he was awful and I shouldn't care about him. The later he seemed angry but just balled himself up silently on the sofa and apparently stayed there all evening. Neither mood seemed conducive to a sensible conversation, so I was civil in passing but pretty much ignored him.

This morning he told me he loved me and missed me. I said I felt the same but it didn't change anything. He said he felt really lost and he didn't know what to do. I asked if he would go to the gp. He said it wouldn't help, then he said he would go separately to counseling sessions as well as joint ones. I asked him if he would stop drinking and he said he would 'try'.

I feel like he is edging in the right direction but none of it is enough.

He may or may not have depression, that doesn't excuse him being abusive to the OP. He has an alcohol problem even if he isn't an alcoholic as he uses it to cope with stress.
He said he wanted a divorce and called the OP an evil bitch who is ruining his life. Depressed people feel they are ruining other people's lives. He is nasty regardless of any mental health issues he may or may not help.
He has to decide whether or not he wants to see a GP/ psychologist/ alcohol addictions specialist.
The OP has to decide whether or not she wants to remain in a relationship with this man. He doesn't sound as though he is enhancing her life.

Some of you don't seem to grasp the concept of mental illness, the effects of alcohol on a mentally ill person and 'in sickness and in health'.

2rebecca
Depression can also make you lash out at those who are closest to you and push them away by any means you can. It's a horrible form of self fulfilling prophecy. 'Here, I'll prove the noone wants to be near me because I'm such a worthless and horrible human being.'

In my eyes, the face that he is suggesting individual counselling is a good thing. What direction the counselling goes, I don't know, but if he is willing to get professional help then it's a good sign. I think anyway.

Some of you don't seem to grasp the concept of mental illness, the effects of alcohol on a mentally ill person and 'in sickness and in health'.

If you have a civil ceremony you don't have to vow in sickness and in health. Nastiness is not part of being mentally ill, it isn't the OP's job to "save" her husband and accept his abuse. If he chooses to keep drinking to excess and not accept responsibility or discuss seeing someone to see if he needs help the OP shouldn't have to accept this as her lot in life.
A lot of men get abusive and emotional and maudlin when really drunk.

Abuse or depression. Sometimes the two can blur into one. A depressed person can certainly become abusive whilst having an episode where they spiral out of control. They can get paranoid. On the other hand an abuser can use 'depression' as an excuse to be abusive.

What will show you which one he is is this: will he get help and try to change? Just seeing a counsellor is not enough. Talking to you about how he is changing and how he will prevent it happening again, then you seeing a change is what will show you which way the land lies.

If you are going to stick it out, then what he is talking about re. counselling is the only way forward: he needs counselling on his own. I wouldn't do joint counselling until you see him going to counselling for his own issues (the early death of his parents being one) and seeing some results.

If it is genuine depression then one thing you can do is treat him like a baby when he is having an episode. So basically he has reverted back to the age he was when something traumatic happened and you have to visualise him as that age and treat him accordingly. This is what he wants you to do without being able to recognise it himself. He is acting like a child because the trauma happened when he was a child. He wants you to cuddle him, stroke his hair, tell him it will be alright.

It is a big ask, especially as he is verbally abusive. You are well within your rights to just walk away when he is in this state if he is abusive. But if he is talking about suicide and feeling unloved, then just think of him as a little boy.

He needs to stay well away from the drink too. Alcohol is a depressant.

That said, if he doesn't have any inlcination to change and carries on/gets worse then he is knowingly abusing you.

It's good that he has managed to calm down, but from what you say, his mood still seems to be fluctuating. Hopefully he isn't just saying what he thinks you want to hear to get past this, and he will actually seek some form of professional help.

Best of luck to you OP, I hope everything works out as you want it to x

I'm so sorry to hear you went through this last night.

I had exactly the same thing with mine one too many times last year including having to call the police the last time it happened. I sat him down on boxing day, after the last one and said you accept help for your mental health and alcoholism or I'm leaving. Needless to say I left.

He is being taken care of by his family and continues to drink and will not accept help. He's recently been charged with Drink Driving and has lost his licence.
I feel dreadfully sorry for him and wish he would make better choices for himself but I can't make him accept help if he doesn't to and I couldn't live my life like that any more.

He is not your responsibility, you are.

Cuddle him and stroke his hair?? Yeah. Righto 🙄

Take this from someone who knows: your Husband is progressing into alcoholism. I know because it has happened to me. You dont have to drink every night to be developing alcoholism.

Until he is ready he is unlikely to want to do anything about it. I suggest you go to Al-Anon which is a family and friends support network for those who have someone in their lives where alcohol is a problem or becoming a problem.

The web addy for Al-Anon www.al-anonuk.org.uk/meetings/

Believe me you need help yourself as you shouldn't be dealing with this alone. Leaving him to deal with it is the right thing to do. Whilst we enable someone by helping them we stop them having a rock bottom and getting help.

I am also a member of Al-Anon (I have dual membership) as the ex is alcoholic (not in recovery) a person does not have to be in recovery, for you to attend. Indeed it can help the person get help for their drinking quicker if the other person has support as they learn with like minded people how to deal with the situation appropriately. You have nothing to lose by clicking the link and finding out more.

Your friend/family member can be alive/or passed, in your life, or not as the affects of drinking effect more than just the person who is drinking.

To look at the A.A side there website is www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/

Alcoholism isn't what people think it is either. It is not about how often you drink, or how much, it is about what happens when you drink. Are others concerned about your drinking? Then it' time to find out more. A.A is not the perceptions people think it is either.

Both websites are there for you to look at and get support. Hope this helps and anyone else reading if your having problems in either areas.

Many are offended if someone suggests alcoholism to them. That is because people don't really understand what alcoholism is. Being offended often means people won't investigate as the attitude is ''how dare they suggest that''

Been there done it, got the t-shirt. I am 13 years sober. I was essentially an evening drinker over about 3 years. I finally accepted I had a problem and went to A.A.

I am not saying this is the only way. These are ways that have worked for me as well as million of others, since it was founded 80 years ago on the realisation that ''one alcoholic talks to another recovery can begin'' as we get each other and you can't kid a kidder. They developed this fellowship which is in over 180 countries in the world and there are over 4500 meetings a week in The U.K alone.

We can help each other because we are all at different stages of recovery. I stick around cos I am with like minded people who help me remember what it was like and what it would be like if I went back to the first drink.

You don't have to pronouce yourself alcoholic to go to a meeting. If your husband will go then he can go and find out for himself about A.A.

Whatever you do though, get some support for you as you are being effected also

Good luck

Or he may just be telling you what he thinks you want to hear and hoping that it is enough

I'm glad to hear posting helps, Why. You're being wise & strong, I think.

I hope he has had a wake-up call and will sort himself out. More than that, I hope you'll find enough of the right kind of support to keep yourself safe & sane, mentally and emotionally intact.