To leave my drunk vomiting crying husband to it?

[Whyiseverynameitryinuse]

Husband has been in a grumpy mood (swearing at the sat nav, overreacting to annoyances) all day. This evening he drank a bottle of red wine (minus one half glass I drank) then started on the whisky.

Then he started criticising me. I figured it was mostly the drink and tried not to get drawn, just saying I didn't want to talk about now and leaving the room. Apparently he then drank another half the bottle of whisky.

Next thing I know I hear him crying in the bathroom, so I go up to see if he's ok, and end up patting his back while he throws up. I try to look after him, and then he starts laying into me calling me a 'bitch' etc. I tell him if he doesn't stop attacking me I'll leave. He says that's 'emotional blackmail', then starts insulting me and I leave. The crying starts again, so I go back up. He cries about his (deceased) parents, I hug him,comfort him, he talks about life being too hard and wanting to die. I tell him I love him, and he has lots of friends and family that love him.

Then he starts attacking me again calling me an evil bitch who's ruining his life. I told him to please stop, but he wouldn't, so I said I was leaving but if he needed me to call. He said nobody that loved him could leave him like that and it proved what a horrible person I was.

I'm downstairs but I can hear him being sick and crying. I feel awful, I don't want to leave him suffering, but I don't want to be sworn and shouted at either. I'm terrified he'll hurt himself. Am I being a terrible person staying down here til he becomes less belligerent?

In your first post I thought it was something I could have written 12 years ago,only difference being I did manage to throw a blanket over him and the next day he was a bit evasive and acted as though nothing had happened.
Over the next year we were happy but then he began acting oddly,drinking more to help him sleep.O me day he went out for a walk with the dog,was gone for ages.w hen he eventually can home he went to bed,wouldnt talk to me.To cut a long story short he had felt suicidal but had enough on-site to get to the GP.We had a 3year old DC.and I stuck by him.Trigger for depression was father's death.O very the years he continued to self medicate,avoided much counselling(charmed them so they though he was OK).His manners towards me became distant and his behaviour erratic so I never knew if it would be a good or bad day.All affection rebuffed and after 18 yrs of marriage I have found a house and am moving out shortly with dd.I have wasted years of my life on a depressed man who I think is now alcohol dependant(has never been drunk since that first time) and who is now bitter as I am moving on.I think your Oh is also. depressed,you may be luckier than me so good luck whatever you decide but look after yourself too..

reminds me of my dad, seen this situation a few times in my childhood and had a doormat of a mother who put up with it. That's probably why at 48 I never got married.

Sweetheart he has stopped liking you. .Can't say so because he is trapped Mortgage, Family whatever.

Can only sdmit it when he is drunk.

Away to the therapists with you.

Good luck.a

The irony of the LTB brigade talking about him following the script!

You guys say the same shit to every single person that posts about their relationship. Every single time.

Have any of you noticed that the OP is not engaging with your constant, vehement, insistent demands? Have any of you thought that TYPING OUT INSTRUCTIONS IN CAPITAL LETTERS might make someone feel even more pressured, when they are already struggling with a sudden and confusing change in their life?

Petrol agreed.

I agree Petrol it is very tedious. There is a band of women on here who've swallowed too many Lundy Bancrofts and just regurgitate the contents on a loop, whether they are relevant or not.

I don't think he should be getting off the hook lightly for being so spiteful to the OP. Being unhappy in yourself does not give you carte blanche to be abusive to someone else. But the man clearly needs some help and it doesn't sound like he is generally an abusive man.

This is one of those threads where there is definitely two sides to a story, and while I don't disbelieve anything about what the OP has told us, there is no doubt that if her DH were a woman posting about how she was depressed and wanting to die, struggling to conceive, money worries and suffering a sort of PTSD from the early loss of both parents and her DH was a callous arse who mocked her while she sobbed and refused to comfort her in her darkest moments the reactions from the LTB Brigade would also be 'LTB.'

...or perhaps it's because the only response to an abusive arse is to leave him, since you can't change him.

It would be a bit fucked up to tell a person in an abusive marriage to stay put, just so that MN readers can have a bit of variety.

You might want to look up the website - michellelisaanderson.com
Love over addiction.
If the drinking and nastiness starts to happen regularly, Michelle Anderson has some great advise, which is really helping me save and improve my marriage.
Good luck xx

'It would be a bit fucked up to tell a person in an abusive marriage to stay put, just so that MN readers can have a bit of variety.'

Why do you need to tell people what to do?

Rice do you really think one out of character incident of nasty verbal abuse constitutes an abusive marriage? Because I don't. I think I see all the signs here of a man in crisis who feels (rightly or wrongly) unsupported by his wife.

People who are in mental/emotional crisis or under a great deal of stress sometimes do and say awful things and lash out at the people closest to them. She hasn't been beaten black and blue or systematically abused or undermined over a period of years, her H doesn't appear to be a regular heavy drinker or an alcoholic, he has had TWO incidences where he's got stupidly drunk and maudlin, those incidences were two years apart and the first time he was not verbally abusive to her. He is wallowing in self pity because of what are, let's face it, some quite compelling reasons to feel stressed or depressed.

Of course the OP doesn't have to listen to drunken spiteful insults year in year out from a man who is not prepared to seek the professional help he needs, and I hope she won't, but I think at the moment there is no reason to think that he is beyond help and cannot or will not change. He has agreed to seek help, albeit a bit petulantly.

In the real world, most people do not just bail on a marriage at the first sign of conflict, especially when there are compelling reasons to think that one partner may be suffering from depression or PTSD or similar and are reacting to stress in their lives.

If this man was a woman with PND or struggling to conceive, still grieving for her parents etc, her H would be judged very harshly indeed if he ended the marriage because she ONE TIME verbally abused him while drunk, cried, said she wanted to die, called him an unsupportive bastard, told him he expected too much of her and was part of the reason she was miserable, and was still sulking about it in the morning.

Of course she's entitled to be very hurt and angry with him, he behaved badly. But to pronounce from on high that he's a classic abuser who will never change is arrogant in the extreme.

Let's credit the OP with some intelligence and accept that she knows this man and this marriage better than we do, shall we?

A huge number of the women who are telling the op to leave are women who didn't leave at this point. We are the women who tried to stand by someone who needed help and support, regardless of how horrific they were to us, because they needed help. We are the women who have left, emotionally and often physically abused years later in a really really awful way after finally realising that you can't help someone who believes you tells you YOU are the problem, and yet who never leaves. Abusers aren't awful 100% of the time and it's often subtle and builds over time.
The calls for 'leave the bastard' coming from those who have experienced abuse are desperate pleas for the Op not to find herself in the same position. There is nothing the op can do for this man right now - I don't know about the future - but right now he is viciously blaming her for his problems and taking no responsibility. This is not a man who is ready to engage with meaningful therapy. He can reach out to a GP or a charity at any time for that help. Men do find it hard to express themselves but I know many men who have successfully reached out for help. This mans internal struggle does not trump the OPs emotional wellbeing and need to feel safe and happy in her home with someone who loves and respects her. We all deserve that.
Personally have had 3.5 years in NHS counselling in total and have tried to commit suicide. I've not always been a great wife to my DH but I've never, ever, ever blamed my husband. My story is not the ops but my ex sounds similar. Emotional abuse never really leaves you once it is there so many just want to spare her the horrific pain they have experienced. Maybe we cannot help but see our stories in hers but it is not wrong to say 'this behaviour is not OK'. I so desperately wished someone had been there to say that to me. I may not have left straight away but I might just have left a little sooner and spared myself the worst.

It is not one incident MardleBum. Read the OP's posts.

I have. Where the spiteful verbal abuse is concerned IT IS one incident.

Of course she's entitled to be very hurt and angry with him, he behaved badly. But to pronounce from on high that he's a classic abuser who will never change is arrogant in the extreme.

Yep.

So people here have experience with abusive men. They believe they can tell when every man in the world is abusive.

I have lots of experience with abusive men too, but because I am worrying that he is having a mental breakdown it means I'm quick to excuse shitty men, or I'm just not smart enough to recognise the signs. How I wish I didn't have to learn how to spot them.

I also have experience with mental illness and like I said, I have seen this behaviour before and often when they get treatment and stick to it it doesn't happen again (although of course sometimes it does). The OP gets to decide if she wants to stick with him through treatment if he is ill and if indeed he is an abuser or not.

OP has not told us nearly enough information about his past behaviour for anyone to say with 100% certainty that he is an abuser, or that he is mentally ill. I have said time and time again that he might be an abuser and it depends on his past behaviour or if this is out of character for him then he could be really ill, and a lot of the things he said could point in this direction.

If we don't agree that he is 100% an abuser we just aren't enlightened enough. We just aren't able to see the signs and we couldn't possibly have a valid concern.

If he is an abuser I would change my position and tell her to LTB but until OP comes back and tells us more about his past behaviour I won't be telling her she is in an abusive marriage and that he won't change.

I doubt the OP will be back with people shouting at her to leave him though.

Exactly U2

He has never done this before. He once (2 years ago?) got really drunk when we were at his brothers (and they had been egging each other on to drink) and was sick, and cried about missing his parents, but he wasn't at all nasty to me

From the OP

What about this says this isn't one incident?

The calls for 'leave the bastard' coming from those who have experienced abuse are desperate pleas for the Op not to find herself in the same position.

The calls from some of us who are concerned about his mental health are also coming from people who have experienced abuse.

I agree it could be indicative of an abusive dh or it could be him having a breakdown.
The op needs to determine which it is before making any long term decisions. Which involves helping him get help for himself.

Either way she shouldn't put up with abuse at all. It is never acceptable, but she needs to give him a chance in the short term, to get help IF she feels it is uncharacteristic for him.

And some of the concerns about what sounds like abusive behaviour on the DH's part are coming from people who have experienced abusive relationships and have mental health issues of their own

What is the point here? It's not a case of either/or. OP's H does sound like he's in mental distress and having issues. It's reasonable to have sympathy and concern for him.
But the way he is dealing with them (drinking "to sleep" and in this instance getting really drunk, and verbally and emotionally abusive) is not a healthy way to deal with those issues, for himself and especially the OP. And it doesn't excuse him for being an arsehole to her.

If he needs help, that's for him to decide and for trained professionals to provide. If OP feels safe (from further mental abuse or any potential physical abuse) and is concerned about her husband, then being supportive of him is fine. However, if she doesn't feel safe (mentally or physically), then putting some distance between them is advisable while she gets help and support for herself.

By all means, feel sorry and concerned for the OP's husband, but the OP's safety and well being comes first. For one, how is she supposed to support her husband if his behaviour starts affecting her own well being and mental health (if it hasn't already)?

When my exP had a mental flip or break of a similar nature to what the OP described, it was the stuff of nightmares, and I'm still messed up mentally from that 2 years on - because I stayed and excused his behaviour because he seemed mentally unwell. And the waiting for him to have another outburst like that because he refused to acknowledge he'd done anything wrong (exactly like OP's husband), refused to acknowledge he had a problem with alcohol and mental health - let alone get any help for it - literally nearly drove me insane. I wouldn't want anyone to go through that.

Mental health problems aren't an excuse for treating other people horrendously or blaming them for your problems. Right now the Op can stay to "prove" she is living and supportive and he can have someone to blame for his unhappiness and to lash out at (potentially making him feel even worse about himself) or she can leave, and he will likely say that that is 'proof' that she doesn't love him. It's a catch 22 where you are damned if you do and damned that you don't.
I'm not saying get divorced tomorrow, I'm saying step right out of the firing line and see if that's enough of a wake up call for him to get help. If she is very concerned about his MH she can call GP or ambulance or police if he starts barricading her out of bathrooms TBH. I'm saying she is the last person in the world that can help if he blames her for his unhappiness. Other people can definitely help and he may need it but he has to be an adult and reach for that help himself.

Yes, what is he like when not drunk? Luckily, what ever problem you have there will be someone else with it, who can offer suggestions. You are not responsible for him, when he is in this self-induced mess. Very difficult when you also need to use the loo. Does he go out to work? Have you tried to talk to him when hes sober? Course, he could be depressed, but that is no excuse for treaing you like this.

Your DH is severely depressed. When someone says they want to die you have to believe them. If you love him then help him to seek treatment. He's lashing out at you because you're a convenient whipping boy. I hope it all gets sorted out for the best whatever you decide to do.

There are many forms of abuse. My first Husband seemed to be kind,caring, sensitive. We married long before folk lived together, first abuse was silence,ignoring me, then, physical, mental, emotional, controlling. Found out years down the line, he had been in a special offenders unit for trying to kill his father. He was a phsycopath, and gay, and married me as a nice respectable front for his middle class family. I stayed 20 years, no-one knew what he was like behind closed door. He didnt drink, was very quiet, didnt shout.Lived in a battered wives refuge which was horrible in the 70s. Tried very hard to make the best of things, he tried to kill me, and the rest as they say is history!

If this abuse has only happened once in your entire relationship and he seems depressed, could you go to the GP with him and investigate what can be done?
Would he attend AA sessions to help him with his alcohol problems?