To leave my drunk vomiting crying husband to it?

[Whyiseverynameitryinuse]

Husband has been in a grumpy mood (swearing at the sat nav, overreacting to annoyances) all day. This evening he drank a bottle of red wine (minus one half glass I drank) then started on the whisky.

Then he started criticising me. I figured it was mostly the drink and tried not to get drawn, just saying I didn't want to talk about now and leaving the room. Apparently he then drank another half the bottle of whisky.

Next thing I know I hear him crying in the bathroom, so I go up to see if he's ok, and end up patting his back while he throws up. I try to look after him, and then he starts laying into me calling me a 'bitch' etc. I tell him if he doesn't stop attacking me I'll leave. He says that's 'emotional blackmail', then starts insulting me and I leave. The crying starts again, so I go back up. He cries about his (deceased) parents, I hug him,comfort him, he talks about life being too hard and wanting to die. I tell him I love him, and he has lots of friends and family that love him.

Then he starts attacking me again calling me an evil bitch who's ruining his life. I told him to please stop, but he wouldn't, so I said I was leaving but if he needed me to call. He said nobody that loved him could leave him like that and it proved what a horrible person I was.

I'm downstairs but I can hear him being sick and crying. I feel awful, I don't want to leave him suffering, but I don't want to be sworn and shouted at either. I'm terrified he'll hurt himself. Am I being a terrible person staying down here til he becomes less belligerent?

Run away fast, contrive him out of the house and call a lawyer - now I am only sorry I did not divorce him earlier. I could have written your post a few years ago.

It took me a long time to realise that I was in an abusive situation. You will have a lot of pressure from well meaning people who will just tell you he is a drunk, give him time and so on. They do not have to live with being criticised or abused. It is your life.

I second all the people who said do not go to counselling with him. With someone who is an abuser, it is actively dangerous to your mental health.

OMG amazed at how some women are so happy to jump up and act like men are evil !!
My husband is amazing, runs his own business, whilst juggling the children: school runs, after school activities/ homework etc does more than his share of housework etc etc , BUT he's a bloke and finds some stuff to heavy to deal with, on the very odd ( every couple of years) he's too stressed and dealing with too much emotional stuff ( lost & parent & poorly relatives & work stress etc) he's a bloody nightmare when alcohol is added and he says he hates me etc - which actually means he's feeling insecure needs a cuddle but doesn't know how to ask for it. He's drunk a lot and been horrible but it's his way of saying it's too much and I married him for better or for worst and no that doesn't mean I would stay if I was scared of him but sometimes they do need a hug and lots of I loves you and one outburst every few years is not that bad, he copes with my irrational hormones every 30 days. Really wish mumsnet would be less of the we hate men camp

I don't know what to make of this. I think you are the only person in a position to understand and you also don't know what to make of it. I think the best place to start is this. "Dp I am worried about you. You need to see a GP before anything else not least because you have talked about wanting to kill yourself."

You are not weak. You sound very logical and level headed.

Hope you're OK OP, how did it go when he woke up? x

Op's own words say he is abusive.

and I realised that when he starts laying into me my face gets a sort of fixed fake smile while I try to get all 'water off a ducks back' about his insults.

This suggests it it not a one off but that he insults her and lays into her regularly enough for her to have a fixed fake smile because of it.

This sounds like an abusive relationship to me. Lots of excuses being made by OP to allow for partners behaviour...Pinkhalf is spot on. Get out now or waste another god knows how many years before the scales drop from your eyes. Do not attempt counselling with someone who has narcissistic tendencies - it will screw your mind. Read up on emotional abuse - you'll be astounded to find out you may be a victim. I was.

alwaysbusy I agree too. DH has acted on a few occasions like this as well and actually since I've learnt to be more supportive and deal with my nightmare family he hasn't done it. I definitely haven't cowered and changed the way I speak to him because of it. His behaviour isn't always great and neither is mine. If he were abusive and doing it on a regular basis he would have been history years ago.

This is AIBU after all, where most people love to excuse and minimise shitty behaviour by men.'

Considering I'm one of the only few posters who has said I am worrying that he is ill I find this quite offensive. I am not an 'abuse naysayer' and I'm sure those who are also concerned about his mental health aren't either.

I don't love to excuse and minimise shitty behaviour by men. My childhood was fucking hell due to abusive men. I have watched someone I love be in one abusive marriage after another and it breaks my heart every time. I have supported many abused women in real life.

I genuinely believe this might be down to him being mentally ill, but I have said repeatedly that the OP needs to be honest with herself and his past behaviour to see which is more likely. The OP is a grown woman, now she knows that some are wondering if he is mentally ill if this is indeed the first time he has shown any abusive behaviour then she can dismiss that idea if she so wishes.

I am not a shitty abusive man excuser. I broke the abused women cycle in my family after a lot of hard work and no role models to show me the way but I'm not going to tell her to LTB when she herself has said she has concerns for his mental health and she has yet to go into any detail about his past behaviour.

In my youth, there were times when I got drunk and did daft things and didn't properly remember them.

If a person who was sober told me what actually happened, I would believe them. I was drunk after all and thus my memory is not to be trusted. I wouldn't argue that my memory was correct and demand an apology from them. I would be mortified.

I have had a similar experience with my dh but circumstances are slightly different. We had been married 12 or so years & together 16. We have 2dss who are both still at primary school. Dh's mother is an alcoholic who we have nothing to do with (different post, i know...), nor do we see dh's father & neither of us have any siblings. Dh was going through an incredibly difficult period at work, his own business was busy but not making any money & all he could think about was work & he had no pleasure in his life at all. He was ALWAYS in a foul mood & drank too much. He got very drunk one night & passed out in bed with a beer bottle in his hand & it tipped over all over my side of the bed. I was out with friends on a rare night out & came back to a pissed unconscious husband with beer all over my bed. He had been in charge of the kids in that state. Anyway, I'll get to the point of what I did & it worked for us. It has been a very long journey & i'm not sure i could have done it if we didn't have dcs. It would have been much easier to give up on him but he was mentally ill. Anyway, morning after the night before I told him we needed A Talk but when he was sober & not hungover & when I was calm. So, when that time came, a day later, I told him that we needed help, we needed to get help together & independently & if he wasn't prepared to see that we & he needed support to get through this then it was over. Long story a bit shorter, I had 6 sessions of 1-1 counselling on my own which helped me enormously (my df was a functioning alcoholic) & dh had about 5 months of day long weekly therapy as an out-patient in local private mental health unit (I'm v lucky as get BUPA through my work). Turns out it was 'all' about his dreadful relationship with his parents when he was a kids & PTSD re an awful event he was witness to when he was a kid that his parents didn't believe. Anyway, I'm glad I stuck with him & was strong for all of us, but it hasn't been easy. He got utterly wasted on NYE this year & my kids saw him puking his guts up which was horrific. I told him then that is was properly over & I meant it as I had done so much & so had he to get so far. But he was utterly repentant & although it isn't easy we get along better now & he sees what the triggers are & avoids them. He hardly drinks at all now & is a much better person for it. So, staying isn't for everyone but getting to the bottom of why this is happening is key & getting him to see that he NEEDS OUTSIDE HELP. This was the key to saving us. Good luck. He must be hating himself & in that situation it is all too easy to hate those around you who show you love & affection & kindness because they feel they don't deserve it. My dh was just like this & he drank to 'feel numb' - his words. My advise is make sure you have strong friends & family around you - I withdrew into myself & it was a big mistake.

AnotherEmma is right. It's going to be so hard to get your head (and heart) around this but his behaviour is a classic text book emotional/verbal abuse. He wants you to take responsibility, distorts the truth, and this is whilst he is sober - alcohol cannot be blamed. It is so important for you to completely reject his behaviour and accept no responsibility for any of it. If you brush this under the carpet now, you are setting a precedent for your marriage. Being sad/stressed is no excuse. Life happens to all of us and will continue to happen to both of you, do you want to have to deal with abuse every time there's a bit of stress around? Couples counselling will actually make it worse as they work on the basis that both parties work on problems (created by him) and is you taking responsibility via the back door and you, my dear, have no work to do. The problem is all his.

He's behaving badly and you have every right to be angry. However I did a lot of ignoring my husband and being very hurt and very angry for two years while he did a lot of similar behaviour. He killed himself last November. I don't want to frighten you or panic you in anyway, but I would urge him to seek help as soon as possible. If he chooses not to - then there's not much you can do, but at least you will have tried. All love and best to you. xxxx

This is exactly how it started for me- except we had children. DH occasionally drunk and nasty- 3 times in 2 years. Would not accept help from me, GP, his family, my family. Gradual escalation. I'm now a widow with young damaged children.
You should try and get help but if he won't be helped you should walk away.

This is an excellent book for anybody who is trying to understand what is going on with an angry husband/partner. www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1464037441&sr=8-1&keywords=why+does+he+do+that+inside+the+minds+of+angry+and+controlling+men

I would really recommend getting in touch with Rights of Women who can talk you through all aspects of relationship breakdown if you need advice and support: rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/family-law/

There is a type of injunction called an Occupation Order that can force him from the marital home temporarily rather than you being forced to leave due to his behaviour. I would recommend that you seek advice if you are not able to live under the same roof due to the emotional impact of this behaviour.

Whatever support he needs it is clear that you cannot provide it so please make yourself the number one priority. He is an adult and needs to take responsibility for his emotional wellbeing. Remember that he has been free to leave your relationship at any time and has chosen not to do so. You are not to blame.

Leave him to it. In the morning when he is sober would be the time to address his concerns and look at any possible support he may need.

I think you're doing ALL the reasonable things, OP. But you are going to have to work out an exit strategy in case things escalate - not just where you (or he) would stay that night, but which friend/brother to call to ensure somebody else is keeping an eye on him. I feel like a lot of responsibility for his well-being is being pushed on you alone. I'd want to see him dry for a week+ before considering this moment passed. And you might want to hold off on TTC for a good while.

I realise that my last comment was completely stupid. My computer froze and I could only see the first page of the comments.

You say 'he must feel awful' but he blamed the OP again when sober. He's shown no remorse at all, instead tried to get OP to apologise for nothing at all and blamed her again. I'm not sure your situations are the same.

I was going to seay but someone beat me to it, like the airplane safety talks say, fit your own oxygen mask before helping others!

NOBODY here knows what the hell is going on with him, not even you op (though you do of course have a better picture than us and I think you sound very together). Whatever IS going on, you need to take steps to look after yourself first and foremost. Your husband is not in a position to support you at all. You NEED to make sure you are in a safe and stable enough position to weather whatever is coming next.

Even when you have done this remember you cannot fix him, and it's not your duty to do so.

OP, I hope you read this and take it how it is meant (nicely)

I admire you, for sticking with it and being concerned about your husband's welfare, knowing his behaviour is completely out of character for him. There are plenty of comments on here that I have been shocked and saddened by, because if the roles were reversed in this situation, then I am sure that it would have been completely different and your husband would have been told to support you no matter what!

Your husband sounds quite poorly, I know because I have been there, the picture you paint of him at the moment is a desperate person, not really knowing how to cope with what is going on in their own head, perhaps a bit scared too.

I used to rant by text at my OH too, when I was poorly, it was like my brain was completely full and I needed to say whatever it was before my mind would explode. Grief affects everyone differently. Fertility problems and wanting everything to be 'perfect' will be playing on his mind too and right now he probably thinks he's failing. People forget that the 'Dad' grieves too when things don't go as planned. I am not saying his feelings are more important than yours, nor am I saying you aren't struggling, but wanting to die is not a good place to be.

It sounds as if you are doing everything you can for your husband and that you love him. Get him to a GP or hospital ASAP, have him assessed and get him the help he clearly needs.

Try to stay strong, because this road will be a bumpy one, but look after yourself too....

I found these links useful...
www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/depression/about-depression/?o=9222#.V0N4nYv2bug

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/helping-someone-else/carers-friends-and-family-a-guide-to-coping/#.V0N414v2bug

I am glad my husband stuck by me when I needed him most, I am glad that with his endless love, support, cups of tea, cuddles on the sofa while I was crying buckets, we got through it together. We are now in a far happier place and stronger for it.

Remember, you are not on your own, there are plenty of people who will listen and help if you ever need it! Good Luck!

You need to get him out, powkin is right. I have been married to my oh less than a year too. We are still in the honeymoon stage and you should be too. If this behaviour of insults and now this drunken abuse has started within the first year just imagine what it's going to be like by the tenth anniversary. With kids :(
Give yourself a chance to find a man who really loves you, this one doesn't.
My ex was abusive and we went to couples counselling. He said in the session that he had hit me because he was depressed and drunk. I had made him unhappy by having an accident and becoming disabled and by giving him disabled children (this was all my doing of course), this had caused him to be depressed and need to drink, therefore it was my fault he hit and abused me. Both myself and the counsellor just looked at him mouth open, I threw him out back to his mums. Don't let him tell you it was your fault.

That is completely unacceptable behaviour. See if he is sorry in the morning and apologies and swears never to drink that combo again. If it ever happens again leave him, it'll only get worse. Sorry, horrible situation for you .

OP my heart sank at your earlier post, it brought back so many horrid memories of my ex. The emotional abuse thread someone posted earlier made me see clearly that this was abuse and that the kind of behaviour he was exhibiting was not acceptable. At the time I had two children, and couldn't just leave. But confronting him would have made things worse. So I withdrew and made practical plans, sorting myself out financially so I knew I could manage. Speaking to someone irl was the hardest bit, but I needed to make sure that someone else was looking out for me whilst I was still living under the same roof. I took over a year before he moved out; looking back I wish I'd just left and worried about the consequences less, but hindsight is a wonderful thing. Please keep yourself safe, emotionally and physically. Practicalities are one thing, as is worrying about his mental health, but your emotional and physical wellbeing outweigh everything else.

Once an arsehole, always an arsehole. I felt I couldn't go as nobody would want a disabled wife. I was wrong, my oh loves me and doesn't care. He does all my care for me and doesn't even think about it. He says that what people who love each other do. He sits with me when I'm in pain, dries my eyes when it gets too much, helps me wash, dress, eat, does all the care for my dds. That's the sort of man you deserve, don't settle for less. I wish I had left many years ago, I deserved better. So do you.