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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave my drunk vomiting crying husband to it?

558 replies

Whyiseverynameitryinuse · 22/05/2016 01:47

Husband has been in a grumpy mood (swearing at the sat nav, overreacting to annoyances) all day. This evening he drank a bottle of red wine (minus one half glass I drank) then started on the whisky.

Then he started criticising me. I figured it was mostly the drink and tried not to get drawn, just saying I didn't want to talk about now and leaving the room. Apparently he then drank another half the bottle of whisky.

Next thing I know I hear him crying in the bathroom, so I go up to see if he's ok, and end up patting his back while he throws up. I try to look after him, and then he starts laying into me calling me a 'bitch' etc. I tell him if he doesn't stop attacking me I'll leave. He says that's 'emotional blackmail', then starts insulting me and I leave. The crying starts again, so I go back up. He cries about his (deceased) parents, I hug him,comfort him, he talks about life being too hard and wanting to die. I tell him I love him, and he has lots of friends and family that love him.

Then he starts attacking me again calling me an evil bitch who's ruining his life. I told him to please stop, but he wouldn't, so I said I was leaving but if he needed me to call. He said nobody that loved him could leave him like that and it proved what a horrible person I was.

I'm downstairs but I can hear him being sick and crying. I feel awful, I don't want to leave him suffering, but I don't want to be sworn and shouted at either. I'm terrified he'll hurt himself. Am I being a terrible person staying down here til he becomes less belligerent?

OP posts:
StrandedStarfish · 23/05/2016 19:41

Get out of there. Do not pass go. Do not collect £200.
Be safe

Louisee82 · 23/05/2016 19:44

Is this a one off? I have to say my OH has never behaved like this with me and should be ever he would be shown the door. You seem to be ok with his beak opus toward you? You do know it's disgraceful abusive behaviour don't you? Seek advice please
I do agree he sounds like something bad has happened but shouldn't take it out on you. He sounds a very insecure unhappy abusive man. Hope things get sorted X

Louisee82 · 23/05/2016 19:45

Beak opus?! Abusive that should sayConfused

Echo1968 · 23/05/2016 19:48

It's his battle, I lived with an alcoholic for 10 years you'll never make it better it'll just destroy you , we had children, he ended up in prison ( for drug related crimes) he came out last week and got blind drunk ... My 12ds said he's just not a good sort of dad is he ! It took me years to give up on him

PetrolBastard · 23/05/2016 19:51

Perhaps the OP doesn't like people shouting at her about what she should do?

Another LTB pile on. Just what the OP needs when she is stressed out.

toodlepip3 · 23/05/2016 19:53

I would ring Al-anon .it is an organisation for the friends & families of people with drink problems,their number is online, love & best wishes

Mysteries · 23/05/2016 20:10

He sounds awful. Sorry for himself and taking it out on you. And dangerous. Don't worry about him. hmm, but if you go to sleep at a relative's or something, he might wake up and do sth dangerous like setting house on fire by accident. Have you got a brother or someone who can come and be with you?

tee99 · 23/05/2016 20:21

Hi
Sound like a awful night. I haven't read all the treads.
But I understand why you are not going to leave and make yourself homeless.
If it happens again, how about recording it, even just audio and when your able to talk together and the denial raises / or you are picking on him/ exaggerating Etc , you can play to him what you were subjected to ? Might help for him to seek help or just plainly grow up and behave like the person you fell in love with, married.
Good luck

aluap13 · 23/05/2016 20:28

This is so awful for you but you can get out. As a lawyer, I saw so many people in this situation. Go talk it over with a solicitor to find out your rights. There are lots of options and he doesn't need to know till you decide what you want to do.

And remember, it's like flight safety advice, fit your own oxygen mask before attempting to help anyone else. Take care.

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 23/05/2016 20:32

Sometime's I'm totally baffled at reply on here. If my dh, who had never before been abusive to me before suddenly behaved like this I'd be worried he was having a breakdown. I wouldn't be suddenly "running for the hills" and thinking he's reading from "the script"!

Op, if you like me love your husband. I'd seek help from the GP and accompany my dh to support him. Yes, he's lashing out and you don't need to put up with it but it doesn't sound like this is normal behaviour for him at all. He needs help not his wife walking out on him.

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 23/05/2016 20:34

and it sounds like he's projecting his self hatred onto you.

Greensmurf1 · 23/05/2016 20:36

Sounds like an alcoholic bipolar ex boyfriend or 2 I had in my 20s. I'm tempted to say run a mile while you still can. A relationship that involves an episode like that is a really damaging experience to your own self worth, emotional wellbeing and ability to make plans to fulfil your own hopes, dreams, ambitions (let alone function in your day to day life). People like this will do anything to sabotage relationships rather than confront issues, problems or disagreements within the relationship or other aspects of their life or work. As exciting, loving and passionate they may seem some of the time, the drunken antics can be the deathknell of any future hope of building a life together.
Protect yourself first and decide whether any amount of substance abuse treatment, psychiatric/ psychological treatment and relationship counselling will rebuild your relationship. If you have kids, think about whether you want them to witness such scenes, experience this behaviour towards them or relive these sorts of actions themselves.

SooBee61 · 23/05/2016 20:36

You could well end up hating him. I did with mine and used to wish he'd fall under a bus or a tube train while drunk. They say God takes care of drunks and little children, he did with my ex! The relief I felt when he went was wonderful but it took his brother coming round with his car to physically remove him as I don't think he'd ever have gone otherwise. And then he rang up a few months later saying he missed me and could we try again? Shudder. I'd met my lovely husband by then.

You only get one life, don't let this person f...k it up..

Sallystyle · 23/05/2016 20:39

He needs to see a GP urgently I think.

If this is truly out of character for him then he sounds ill. If he has shown this kind of behaviour before then he might well be abusive, only you can answer if this is totally out of character for him or not. Only you know if this is more likely to be down to being an abuser or if this is so out of character for him that it is most likely illness related.

If he has never shown any abusive behaviour warning signs so far it's unlikely he will go from showing no signs at all to being like this, it's usually a gradual thing, but like I said, you know him best. The warning signs can be hard to spot, but they will be there.

His behaviour is certainly abusive but if it's down to him 'just' being a plain arsehole then nothing will change that. If it's due to an untreated mental illness then the first thing that needs to happen is a GP appointment to discuss that and if he gets treatment the marriage might be able to be saved.

Either way, please keep yourself safe.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 23/05/2016 20:47

Oh dear, you have special face for when he is laying into you. Well, that tells you everything you need to know doesn't it?

Have you done one of those are you being emotionally abused tests?

Sallystyle · 23/05/2016 20:47

Sometime's I'm totally baffled at reply on here. If my dh, who had never before been abusive to me before suddenly behaved like this I'd be worried he was having a breakdown. I wouldn't be suddenly "running for the hills" and thinking he's reading from "the script"!

Exactly.

This is spot on. I would know my dh was having a breakdown because he has never shown abusive behaviour before. I grew up with abusive men in my life as a child and teen and I know how to spot them well in real life. I still watch certain family members live with abusive men. I know the warning signs well.

I have also seen many people have 'breakdowns' this behaviour is quite common, from people who are usually lovely and caring.

If my husband suddenly acts abusive then my first thought would be that he is very ill and needs help now. Whether or not I stayed with him through the process is a different matter.

VoldysGoneMouldy · 23/05/2016 20:49

OP do get yourself some support. No one has said you're soft - many people here know how complicated and difficult these kinds of dynamics can bring. Stay safe.

summerwinterton · 23/05/2016 20:52

The fact that you have a special smile when he abuses you suggests that this is not out of character or a one off drunken episode. But tbh even if it was just one episode why would or should you put up with this?

I agree with everyone else - his drinking is his fault, never yours. I would advise Women's Aid and solicitor pronto. Protect yourself from this shite. And another never go to joint counselling vote with an abuser vote from me too.

NameChange30 · 23/05/2016 21:03

"Have you done one of those are you being emotionally abused tests?"

Here's a link if you're interested, OP
signs of emotional abuse

If he does things on the list, it may shut the abuse naysayers up, but probably not. This is AIBU after all, where most people love to excuse and minimise shitty behaviour by men.

Jesse4D · 23/05/2016 21:04

OP

I had to comment as I'm a recovering alcoholic and can see he real deal here.
This is abusive and awful
Please please please do not console ect as that just enables the alcoholic to be in denial for longer. Your husband sounds very ill at the moment but he can recover.
You can have support and need it too, this must be exhausting and unfair on you.
Please find your local Al Anon meeting for your own sanity. This is not normal behaviour.
If your husband wants helps AA works wonders as does seeing the GP.

Protect yourself in this, and big, big hugs xxx

millymaid · 23/05/2016 21:07

My heart goes out to you OP. No one knows your relationship and what you want from it like you do. Perhaps it would help you to see someone from Relate, or similar, and talk through your options and help you clarify what you want? You can go on your own, you don't need to bring your partner.

Vitchling · 23/05/2016 21:10

I am so sorry to hear this.

I have no advice to offer but maybe a small insight.

Sometimes, when people get really, really drunk, they mistake what they see or hear. The next day, their version of events bear no resemblance to reality.

He may truly believe that you were laughing at him, even when you weren't. He may be wondering now whether his mind played tricks on him that night. From your account of events, it clearly did. From your account of subsequent events I think he's not sure and struggling.

If so, then it may be something to take into account. He may be making very bad decisions based on something false that he believes to be true.

Maybe that's not it though and in any event he has difficulty in dealing with his problems, whatever they are.

I hope you find a way through this. Whichever way it goes I think you should be proud of your integrity. I wish you all the best.

I'm not for one minute condoning his behavior but he may really believe that you were laughing. It may not be a pretense or a ploy and it may be causing real distress.

PetrolBastard · 23/05/2016 21:11

'If he does things on the list, it may shut the abuse naysayers up, but probably not. This is AIBU after all, where most people love to excuse and minimise shitty behaviour by men.'

Why are you so desperate to make the OP think she's being abused? You don't know any more about this situation than anyone else. Can't she make her own mind up?

a1poshpaws · 23/05/2016 21:14

Divorce him. I'm not being unnecessarily cruel. I spent several years married to a man who was lovely sober and horrible drunk. It will NOT get better. He abused you verbally and totally disrespected you. His refusal to let you in for a pee is the outside of reasonable and proves that HE doesn't in fact love YOU. In my opinion you're on a hiding to nothing, and if you don't already have kids, be grateful. In any case, get out of this dysfunctional relationship ASAP.

Jesse4D · 23/05/2016 21:15

Some links that may help
www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/?PageID=2