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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave my drunk vomiting crying husband to it?

558 replies

Whyiseverynameitryinuse · 22/05/2016 01:47

Husband has been in a grumpy mood (swearing at the sat nav, overreacting to annoyances) all day. This evening he drank a bottle of red wine (minus one half glass I drank) then started on the whisky.

Then he started criticising me. I figured it was mostly the drink and tried not to get drawn, just saying I didn't want to talk about now and leaving the room. Apparently he then drank another half the bottle of whisky.

Next thing I know I hear him crying in the bathroom, so I go up to see if he's ok, and end up patting his back while he throws up. I try to look after him, and then he starts laying into me calling me a 'bitch' etc. I tell him if he doesn't stop attacking me I'll leave. He says that's 'emotional blackmail', then starts insulting me and I leave. The crying starts again, so I go back up. He cries about his (deceased) parents, I hug him,comfort him, he talks about life being too hard and wanting to die. I tell him I love him, and he has lots of friends and family that love him.

Then he starts attacking me again calling me an evil bitch who's ruining his life. I told him to please stop, but he wouldn't, so I said I was leaving but if he needed me to call. He said nobody that loved him could leave him like that and it proved what a horrible person I was.

I'm downstairs but I can hear him being sick and crying. I feel awful, I don't want to leave him suffering, but I don't want to be sworn and shouted at either. I'm terrified he'll hurt himself. Am I being a terrible person staying down here til he becomes less belligerent?

OP posts:
Fidelia · 23/05/2016 14:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

glassgarden · 23/05/2016 15:22

he might be manipulative but he's not very clever is he
what a load of nonsense and bullshit
accusing the OP of blackmail right after the cliched emotional blackmail technique of 'I wish I'd killed myself'

HairyWorm · 23/05/2016 15:25

Oh OP, it's sounds like everything is very messy right now.

I can't say whether this is EA or whether he is genuinely depressed/has MH issues, but his behaviour is not that of a loving supportive partner.

In your position i would be making an exit plan.

mathanxiety · 23/05/2016 15:31

Wrt facial expressions - I was accused of 'setting my jaw' during conversations.
This narrative has nothing to do with your actual face. It's a story the aggressor tells himself.

There must be a manual somewhere that they all study. It's all so very predictable.

What you experienced this morning was another skirmish in a war he is fighting against you. He is a very aggressive man and what he is getting out of this relationship is the chance to abuse you. That's what he wants you there for. That is why he stays.

Do not do couples counselling. No honest counsellor would take you on as a couple.

Next time he talks about killing himself, call the police and ask them to escort him to a hospital for an urgent mental health evaluation. Tell them he is talking abut suicide. Tell them you can't get him to go to the hospital.

mathanxiety · 23/05/2016 15:32

*'setting my jaw' = trying hard not to burst out crying while being treated to exH's theories of what was wrong with me...

sadie9 · 23/05/2016 15:44

The texting of each other on such an important topic is a bad idea. Tell him you will only communicate on relationship issues face to face. Text for essential messages only. Otherwise he can chip away at you all day with whatever random paranoid thought or piece of abuse that comes into his head.

NameChange30 · 23/05/2016 15:45

At least with text messages (or anything else written down) there is evidence of his emotional and verbal abuse. Face to face and over the phone, not so much.

hewl · 23/05/2016 15:48

I'd have been tempted to roll my eyes and stick my tongue out if there's a next time

then when he says you aren't taking me seriously say no i am not you big wazzock

VioletSunshine · 23/05/2016 15:53

There must be a manual somewhere that they all study. It's all so very predictable.
I reckon they all came off the same production line.

Mine reckoned i bared my teeth at him once Hmm

Anything other than fear, hurt or upset as an expression is almost certainly going to be taken as you being patronising or uncaring. And if they're still being ridiculously in denial about their own behaviour ("I'm not a monster wahhh 😭"), they'll probably get angry with the fear, hurt and upset look too. Mine hated when I behaved in any way that gave away how controlling he was...

Seconding the reporting wrt his suicidal tendencies. You can't deal with that yourself, he needs professional help there OP.

glassgarden · 23/05/2016 16:23

There must be a manual somewhere that they all study. It's all so very predictable I'd say it's that manipulative behaviour has certain necessary elements and is elicited (from those who are predisposed to it) under certain common situations

the cultural environment provides selective pressures which inevitably give rise to similar 'scripts'

coconutpie · 23/05/2016 16:36

DO NOT GO TO COUPLES COUNSELLING WITH HIM.

Wheels1986 · 23/05/2016 16:36

I haven't read all of the PP, but what I've gleaned from the majority of the other messages is this:

Your husband is a bully. He is abusive. He is an alcoholic.

He says spiteful, hateful, hurtful things to you, and blames you for things that he has done; he plays on your good nature/feelings of guilt by asking 'do you hate me?', trying to make YOU feel bad about feelings that HE has caused you to feel (whether you feel them or not); this is also a way of manipulating you and trying to shift blame - if you'd said 'yep, hate your fucking guts', then how would he have responded to that? Probably cried to try to make you feel even more guilty; just because he doesn't 'drink excessively' does not mean that he doesn't have a problem with alcohol. The fact that he needs it to sleep is an issue.

Couples counselling at this juncture is pointless. He said that to try to get you to take some of the blame for his shitty behaviour/stay in control of the situation. He needs to sort his own crap out before you guys even THINK about trying to work on your relationship. Once his head is in the right place, then you guys can try to work on your marriage (if you even want to) so as to try and avoid a repeat performance of this in the future.

I know you say this drinking/crying/vomming episode was a one-off, but what about the other behaviour? You might not recognise it at the time, but if you sit down now and think about it, surely there must have been other instances of manipulation/blaming you/controlling you? This isn't something that comes up out of nowhere, it's subtle and part of someone's personality, not something they just decide to start doing one day on a whim.

Sorry, that's a really long post, but OP you just seem too soft to me. Replying to messages about what to have for tea when he's just told you he wants a divorce? He should have been ignored and then should have been returning to an empty house. Who gives a shit if he's uncomfortable on the bathroom floor? He is not a nice person (at the moment, at least) and deserves no more of your thoughts, because you clearly don't take up many of his.

I'm really, really sorry you're going through this OP, but you don't' need to continue going through it. It's a massive, life-changing decision to leave/fight for your relationship, but you need to make it fast because I fear he's going to just do this more and more if you let him get away with this.

Original poster
Whyiseverynameitryinuse · 23/05/2016 18:03

He should have been ignored and then should have been returning to an empty house.

Look, I've tried to accept the comments criticising my decisions on here with good grace, but what exactly is making myself homeless supposed to achieve?

The fact that I'm not wasting my money on an expensive hotel or sitting out on a street corner does not mean I am 'letting him get away with it'.

I am not going to put myself through unnecessary suffering to try to 'get at' him. I am getting on with my life, which for now at least does mean living in my own house, and encouraging a civil atmosphere. If that makes me 'soft' then so be it.

OP posts:
Janecc · 23/05/2016 18:11

Glad you're still there op. Are you taking the more moderate posts on board? I'm one of those not convinced this is definitely calculated manipulative behaviour.

OurBlanche · 23/05/2016 18:16

Whyis don't worry. You know who he is better than we do. You are angry. You are also worried. That is wholly understandable and normal.

That you are saying, categorically, that your eyes and ears are open and that you will not be forgetting this, is all you need to focus on.

I hope you and he can get to the bottom of this and that you can decide what to do in a way that is best for you.

BonitaFangita · 23/05/2016 18:19

I don't think you're being soft. This man has played a real number on you. Your head must be all over the place!
As other pps have said I think he needs to see his gp and have lone counselling sessions before you consider couples counselling, moving house or ttc with him.
At the moment all the cards are in his hands but try to stay calm and not get wrapped up in his drama while you decide how you wish to progress.
This must be so hard and confusing for you, maybe try moving this to relationships for more emotional support Flowers

Funko · 23/05/2016 18:19

Op, click the report button and ask for this to be move to relationships. May be a little kinder crowd 😄

magoria · 23/05/2016 18:23

The light just switched on didn't it? and I realised that when he starts laying into me my face gets a sort of fixed fake smile while I try to get all 'water off a ducks back' about his insults.

You are in an abusive relationship. This is longer term than what happened the other night.

You go into a fixed fake smile to protect yourself.

He is blaming you.

Get out. Do not go to counselling with him.

Your marriage is abusive.

GarlicShake · 23/05/2016 18:28

Very well spotted, magoria.

You don't develop a 'defence face' to verbal abuse unless you're regularly being verbally abused.

Wishing you strength, OP Flowers

Smurfling43 · 23/05/2016 18:40

You are NOT soft. This is your life and you are trying to find your way through as best as you can. Flowers

DizzyBrummie · 23/05/2016 18:54

Hi. I don't normally post, I just lurk. But this all sounds so familiar. My Ex husband would get drunk and then start by being down on himself which would always then turn to me and how awful I was and how bad I made him feel. It got to the point that I would always make sure I was in bed, 'asleep', before he staggered to bed (if he made it at all). I stayed with him for 8 years and it only got worse and not better. In the end he asked for a divorce. After 2 days of upset, I think more from shock than anything else, I realised that this was the best thing. It was still hard but definitely better!

Your situation isn't exactly like mine but has the potential to turn that way. I think you're being very sensible about this and I wish you every luck.

P.s. I've now been very happily married to a wonderful man for 10 years.

Wheels1986 · 23/05/2016 18:57

I didn't mean to make yourself homeless, I meant to go out and get away from him. Get in the car, on the bus, whatever and GO. Away from him. For the day or just thw afternoon. You say you're not going to put yourself through 'unnecessary suffering' to get back at him, but you are suffering so why put up with it? Nobody is suggesting you be childish and 'get back at him' but his behaviour cannot continue, surely you can see that?

SooBee61 · 23/05/2016 19:33

Seconding what many other posters have said. Untangle yourself from this relationship and situation. I've been in one (luckily not married and it was my flat) - he won't change, it'll get worse when he sees what he can get away with and what you'll put up with. I stuck it for 5 years.

God, these pathetic, inadequate men who think they can abuse women, grrrr!

homeworker · 23/05/2016 19:34

I have dealt with a number of situations like this. Al-Anon has kept me sane, serene and strong for the last few years. www.al-anonuk.org, uk One thing I have learned in that time is not to cause or prevent a crisis. I no longer respond to this kind of provoking behaviour, and there is not much point engaging in an argument. These days I know to put my safety and sanity first, and both me and my husband benefit from it. I dont underestimate how distressing and disappointing events like this can be, though. Best wishes.

SooBee61 · 23/05/2016 19:35

Meant to say, get some legal advice ASAP. He'll then realise you are serious and come crawling round. Don't be swayed.