To leave my drunk vomiting crying husband to it?

[Whyiseverynameitryinuse]

Husband has been in a grumpy mood (swearing at the sat nav, overreacting to annoyances) all day. This evening he drank a bottle of red wine (minus one half glass I drank) then started on the whisky.

Then he started criticising me. I figured it was mostly the drink and tried not to get drawn, just saying I didn't want to talk about now and leaving the room. Apparently he then drank another half the bottle of whisky.

Next thing I know I hear him crying in the bathroom, so I go up to see if he's ok, and end up patting his back while he throws up. I try to look after him, and then he starts laying into me calling me a 'bitch' etc. I tell him if he doesn't stop attacking me I'll leave. He says that's 'emotional blackmail', then starts insulting me and I leave. The crying starts again, so I go back up. He cries about his (deceased) parents, I hug him,comfort him, he talks about life being too hard and wanting to die. I tell him I love him, and he has lots of friends and family that love him.

Then he starts attacking me again calling me an evil bitch who's ruining his life. I told him to please stop, but he wouldn't, so I said I was leaving but if he needed me to call. He said nobody that loved him could leave him like that and it proved what a horrible person I was.

I'm downstairs but I can hear him being sick and crying. I feel awful, I don't want to leave him suffering, but I don't want to be sworn and shouted at either. I'm terrified he'll hurt himself. Am I being a terrible person staying down here til he becomes less belligerent?

So, from the sound of that, he is cycling through a lot of chaotic thoughts... he is responding defensively/angrily; calming and thinking and then responding again, more reasonably.

It doesn't sound as though he is in a very good place at all. I am guessing that all you can do in the short term is keep pointing him towards counselling, keep doing what you are doing.

But have you decided to get some counselling yourself? It sounds far too immediate and complicated to deal with alone. You'll have some long term decisions to make, too. And that will be hard to do, whatever you decide.

Above all,as I said before, keep yourself physically and emotionally safe.

He is manipulating you.

Run a mile.

I think perhaps this should be moved to relationships for more 'honed' advice ?

I don't actually think he has a clue what he is saying half the time. I think he's very confused and at times desperate. He sounds like he has been trying to keep it together for a very long time and now, it's all fallen apart. Like a massive explosion. I really don't think he's manipulating op because there's just not enough rational thought there to be considered manipulation. If he were manipulating op, he wouldn't be so willing to go to counselling. Besides, he would have to be a mastermind of deflection to pull off this act.

Personally, I think he's fallen to pieces. With all of the stuff going on in there, I would imagine he feels like his head is about to explode! He sounds like a hurt child or a wounded animal desperately seeking comfort. All you can do is remain strong and keep steering him toward counselling. Couples counselling is a good start and he may be able to sort some of his issues there or the counsellor may suggest some 1-2-1. I do also think it would be worth talking to a counsellor yourself as well.

You are doing really really well. If you weren't the woman you are, this situation could be a lot worse.

It sounds like he has a lot of issues he needs to work through but you don't have to be resident with him while he does so. I would look to moving out (if it's not your place).

Funko I agree this should be moved. I think his problem is the alcohol.

Do you have family that could help, the in laws especially? You are too close to help and he's more likely to ignore your advise. He may listen to someone who is a more impartial and seek help. I'd recommend he does counselling alone as he's in a crisis of sorts and it's not the time for relationship counselling. A trip to the GP is also a must and if he's not prepared to get help you have no obligation to stay and endure this behaviour. I say this as a depressed person who has addressed associated behaviours through counselling.

Please don't have kids with his man. If he's stressed now a screaming baby will not help.

I caused his drinking and anger
This is proper abuser talk!

YOU did not cause this
YOU cannot cure this
YOU cannot control it

This is all the work HE has to do to fix this.
He's an alcoholic and dark spirits and red wine are THE worst things to drink.

I'd be getting rid of all alcohol in the house when I got home.

In the meantime, he is abusive. We can all see it and joint counselling is absolutely NOT OK.
Do not do it.
He needs counselling. He has massive issues and HE needs to help himself fix them.

Good luck.

He needs an urgent assessment by his GP also. If he keeps saying he wants to die that may be manipulative, it may be not. However, you can surely make him see that those "suicidal thoughts" need addressing before anything else, any couples counselling, any AA meetings, anything at all.

Well, he's not doing a, b, or c of what you said you needed from him, is he?

The fact that he's not taking responsibility for his own behaviour is a real relationship killer. There is no equal partnership possible with a person like that.

Before your last post, I would have still been giving him a little bit of sympathy as he sounded like he was in a bad place.

Now he is just reading from the abusers transcript.

Get out now, whilst you can.

He may well be having an episode of ill mental health, but you can still be a massive twat separately from that. Blaming you, saying things happened when they didn't (thus making you question your sanity), then expecting you to apologise for his abuse is a huge series of red flags.

Don't stand for this, don't allow it to become a cycle, and don't allow him to wear you down.

Much love OP. Have been there, it's shit.

If he thinks you're so terrible why does he even care if you hate him? Why does he even want to continue the relationship?

OK, now that you realise that your resting smile face is infuriating him, you know to change your expression, but I fail to see what more you can do - what exactly does he want from you which won't cause a storm of temper? Does he take no responsibility at all for himself?

I am worried that any counselling might result in a stream of blame from him with you trying to defend yourself - and for what?

You really do need to get some RL support advice (and not just from the counsellor).

I also do not think couples counselling at present is a good idea. From what I've inferred so far he needs to get himself sorted first, I do agree with Voldys points above.

RUN FOR THE HILLS.

Do not have couples counselling. Whatever the reasons for his abusive behaviour, the behaviour is still abusive. And that needs to stop before you can start to move forward. He is taking zero responsibility for his pain.

I honestly think you have to leave. And tell him you're not coming back until he's seen his GP and started to deal with his issues.

You can't save him. Please save yourself now.

Until he accepts responsibility for his own behaviour his issues and problems can't be dealt with. He has to want to help himself and realise he has a problem. Counselling will not, in my opinion, help him or your relationship until he accepts he needs it rather than going through the motions of seeking help.

I'm really sorry you're going through this.

Please, please leave. This won't get better.

Oh, poor you Why. I'm so glad you have work today - it must feel like a break!

... then expecting you to apologise for his abuse is a huge series of red flags.

Yes, this. As PPs have highlighted, the underlying reasons aren't the most important thing here. What matters is what the behaviours are doing and will do to you.

I can understand most abusers incredibly well. This doesn't mean it's my role to lie down and be understanding while they stomp all over me! (Although it took me a while to figure that out - don't make the same mistake.) The only person responsible for abusive behaviours is the person enacting them.

I also think physical distance is the most helpful thing right now. I'm sorry this has happened to you.

While he's making the right noises about counselling, how about pointing him here?

Make it clear that you cannot consider couples counselling with him until he has spoken to a medical professional about the fact that he wants to die.

Never accept any blame for this, or for his alcoholic binge. These things are outside of your control and, even if he believes they are outside of his control, too, you are not the person he needs to look to for help to fix this.

I'm queen of the blank look when someone is saying something to me which defies belief. It makes no difference. He sees your expression as laughing at him. He'd most likely (like my ex - in very similar circumstances) accuse me of not appearing to care. According to me ex, I was cold and uncaring when faced with his drinking binges and suicide threats or refusing to listen to his paranoid ramblings for the millionth time.

Wryly laughing at your post about facial expressions, Stick. When I changed my 'belligerent' expression during his rants to 'concerned', he completely lost it!
This narrative has nothing to do with your actual face. It's a story the aggressor tells himself.

I was all for giving him some space with the proviso that he sought help, and then I read your update, OP.

-----> Hills

Hi OP,
This must be agony, but you cannot save him. You have to try to detach and look after yourself. He is creating his own fantasy, face-saving scenario and he wants you to agree to it. He is blackmailing you. Yes, and blaming you for the way he is feeling. You cannot reason with him. He is determined to manipulate you and confuse you. His outbursts are aimed at yanking your thoughts in all different directions so that you stay permanently confused.

Hold hard to your small list of basics. Don't deviate and don't respond to his attempts to put this on you. How dare he! And deal with the man who presents himself to you. Don't think he is the man you fell in love with and act accordingly.

He is the one with the problem. Don't let him assign problems to you. You've done great so far, don't let him entangle you further into his outrageous fantasy of what happened. He needs to sort himself out. He can perfectly well get himself a GP appointment etc. Let him do that.

And yes, as others have said, it may be better to remove yourself to stay at friends or relatives to get some physical distance. Stay strong. His behaviour is awful.