Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To leave my drunk vomiting crying husband to it?

558 replies

Whyiseverynameitryinuse · 22/05/2016 01:47

Husband has been in a grumpy mood (swearing at the sat nav, overreacting to annoyances) all day. This evening he drank a bottle of red wine (minus one half glass I drank) then started on the whisky.

Then he started criticising me. I figured it was mostly the drink and tried not to get drawn, just saying I didn't want to talk about now and leaving the room. Apparently he then drank another half the bottle of whisky.

Next thing I know I hear him crying in the bathroom, so I go up to see if he's ok, and end up patting his back while he throws up. I try to look after him, and then he starts laying into me calling me a 'bitch' etc. I tell him if he doesn't stop attacking me I'll leave. He says that's 'emotional blackmail', then starts insulting me and I leave. The crying starts again, so I go back up. He cries about his (deceased) parents, I hug him,comfort him, he talks about life being too hard and wanting to die. I tell him I love him, and he has lots of friends and family that love him.

Then he starts attacking me again calling me an evil bitch who's ruining his life. I told him to please stop, but he wouldn't, so I said I was leaving but if he needed me to call. He said nobody that loved him could leave him like that and it proved what a horrible person I was.

I'm downstairs but I can hear him being sick and crying. I feel awful, I don't want to leave him suffering, but I don't want to be sworn and shouted at either. I'm terrified he'll hurt himself. Am I being a terrible person staying down here til he becomes less belligerent?

OP posts:
DoesMyMarthaCliffLookBigInThis · 22/05/2016 19:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mathanxiety · 22/05/2016 19:43

I agree 100% with SarahLinden that this man hates you.

HermioneJeanGranger · 22/05/2016 19:51

Please don't let him minimise things. He can't just cook you dinner and make it all go away. He was vile to you last night and again this morning. He told you he wanted a divorce. People don't say that unless there's some serious issues going on.

Only you can decide whether he's worth helping, but do NOT let him get away with his horrific behaviour.

Flowers
GloGirl · 22/05/2016 20:09

No way on this earth does a man get to treat me like shit, get me to tip toe around him because I'm supposed to feel sorry for it and then get to brush it under the carpet.

We talk . We talk through treating each other badly, the good times and all the mundane shit in between.

This, right now this road you are walking on could be the very beginning to a violent abusive relationship where you live your life trying to appease some drunk on a power trip.

Don't go there. Whatever you do next don't start off letting him off because he was drunk, or because he's an orphan, or because he works really really hard.

No. He needs to be sorry. He needs to talk through what hurt you. He needs to make you feel loved and respected again. Then you can sit down at a table and eat with this man.

RosieWithTheGoodHair · 22/05/2016 22:25

I'm worried about the OP

VioletSunshine · 22/05/2016 23:06

Same here Rosie Sad

5BlueHydrangea · 22/05/2016 23:07

I'm sure she has better things to do than come here...
People always say that 'where is OP??' - people have real lives away from MN you know!

Whyiseverynameitryinuse · 23/05/2016 01:01

I'm fine.

He basically has been acting like nothing happened. At least it means it's calm and I have some space to think and decide what I want to do next. I've been being civil back, but just getting on with my own stuff. I'm not going to pretend everythings ok, or let this slide.

OP posts:
HeresashatinaboxpAt · 23/05/2016 03:08

You poor thing I bet your head is everywhere. Stay strong

StableButDeluded · 23/05/2016 04:00

Husband just texted me saying he was at the shops and did I want x for dinner... feeling like I'd fallen into the twilight zone, replied yes. He then asked if we had a particular ingredient, I said no, he said he'd buy it, and let me know he'd be home in a bit. Just... what?

This is exactly how my Dad acted every morning, after the whiskys, and the sulk, and the nasty comments to my mum, and the slamming up to bed of the night before.

He basically has been acting like nothing happened.

Ditto.
Ten years later when I was 19 and he had his first full-blown week- long alcoholic binge (mentioned upthread) the first morning after that, he acted exactly the same way. He had just spent a week in his pyjamas in bed, unwashed, unshaved, consuming nothing but alcohol, crying, begging us to go to the shops for him for more drink. On the seventh morning he just got up, showered, dressed, came downstairs and calmly got some breakfast.

It is indeed totally like entering the twighlight zone.

I hope, OP that he will eventually stop being in denial about his behaviour. Whether this is an alcohol problem, or a MH problem or a combination of both..or even if it's a 'He's just a dick' problem, nothing much will change until he accepts that his behaviour is not normal. I really, really do feel for you.

mathanxiety · 23/05/2016 06:00

The only element of all this that you can change is your own thought process about it, your own way of looking at it, your decisions, and your visualisation of the life you want to lead.

Accepting that you are the only one you can change here is scary. Understanding that you have the power to make a plan and change your own life is difficult when you have got used to constantly being aware of someone else's moods, bracing yourself for someone else's choices. It means putting yourself back in the centre of your world and it can feel very strange.

Janecc · 23/05/2016 06:05

Good glad to see you're fine. Yes, complete denial as Stable said. Glad you're not going to let it slide.

Sitting down and doing "the talk" could be very challenging for him and therefore for you. I used to get manipulated into believing I was the problem because I'm not very good verbally. I find emails very effective.

mathanxiety · 23/05/2016 06:38

All that shopping list crap is him saying, 'I don't want to hear your opinion of what I did so if you think we're going to sit down and talk about this you can fuck right off.'

YouTheCat · 23/05/2016 07:34

I think if you do sit him down and talk about this he will deny all knowledge and say you're making it up.

jonsnowssocks · 23/05/2016 07:41

I would say, as long as you feel safe being around him, sit him down and have a proper talk to him about why this happened. If he can open up about it, it might be worth giving him another chance. We all make mistakes from time to time. If he does it a second time, or refuses to open up/starts getting vicious again, I'd be a bit more wary. If it's something he refuses to address, it's something that's more likely to happen again. And only be with him if you feel safe - if there are any reg flags, it's just not worth it.

icy121 · 23/05/2016 07:54

whyiseveryname I hope you're okay today. Do you have work?

As you say, use the time to think and decide on your own terms. That might be sitting down for a talk or it might be letting the "civil" period continue whilst you make plans one way or the other.

On a practical level, if you do split, please don't leave the house - change the locks and allow him access on reasonable notice to collect his shit.

Best wishes

IsMyUserNameRubbish · 23/05/2016 08:22

Real men cry, nasty bastards abuse their wives, emotionally or physically it's still abuse. I'd try and get him some help, your doctor then AA would be a start. I'd do it from a distance though telling him you're not coming back till he does get the help he needs. You leaving might push him to get help, if you're just threatening to leave but don't, he knows he can carry on doing what he's doing without any repercussions, leave him, don't go back till he's better, be cruel to be kind. Good luck xx

VioletSunshine · 23/05/2016 09:16

Glad you're fine this morning OP.
It can be very confusing and frustrating when someone behaves as your husband did the other night, then acts like nothing happened, like they didn't do anything wrong, or were even justified in what they did :(
If you're going to be around him for some time after this, maybe start keeping a diary of your interactions and his behaviour. Just so you have something to keep your own memory and experiences in place when he does try to rewrite history etc.
Good luck today, and I hope you're able to have a peaceful and less concerning day after the awful weekend you've just had Flowers

BathshebaDarkstone · 23/05/2016 10:29

I've just RTFT. Wow. I'd seriously think about leaving. Flowers

Longtalljosie · 23/05/2016 10:50

The one thing you absolutely must do is put the TTC on hold. Domestic violence often starts with pregnancy. If there's a side to him he feels able to show you now you're married, it will get worse still once you're pregnant. At present you are able to dismantle the relationship with relatively little hassle (I know it doesn't feel like that). Once you've got children, it would be so much harder. Flowers

Janecc · 23/05/2016 11:04

Agreed Longhall. Pregnancy and having a baby makes you a lot more vulnerable. Bringing a baby into the mix cannot solidify a relationship on shaky ground.

Whyiseverynameitryinuse · 23/05/2016 11:50

Ran into husband in the corridor this morning and he sheepishly asked me if I hated him. I said I didn't. I said we needed to talk about what happened on Sat before anything could move on.

He asked me what I wanted him to say. I said he could start by say sorry. He then carefully apologised for 'his part' of what happened, then looked at me expectantly. I stared at him thinking 'are you on glue?'. He said 'but you're not going to apologise for your part'. I asked him what exactly he imagined my part had been.

He then said he only got upset because I laughed at him when he was feeling sad. I said that hadn't happened and he got upset because he drank all that wine and whisky. He then said he only did that because he felt so unsupported in our relationship, and basically went on a big rant about how I 'never admitted fault' and I caused his drinking and anger. He then said 'you're doing it right now, you're laughing !' and I realised that when he starts laying into me my face gets a sort of fixed fake smile while I try to get all 'water off a ducks back' about his insults.

He then said it's been building for months. He has to deal with everything, I don't talk to him - I said I was willing to talk through our problems and work on them but that we needed to get over Sat night before there was a relationship to work on.

He asked how we got over it. I said he needed to a) take on responsibility for what happened, b) see a counsellor, c) stop drinking.

He then ranted about how I was dictating to him, didn't care about him etc. He said he wished he had killed himself because it would be easier.

He then said he would do couples counseling if I would also, which I agreed to. At this point I had to go to work.

He has texted me, first saying he really wants to die, to which I responded saying I thought he should get help from a counsellor or go irrespective of what happened between us, then sending a link to a couple's counsellor, then several ranting about how I am blackmailing him not supporting him. Then he asked what I thought of that counsellor like the rant texts hadn't occurred.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 23/05/2016 11:54

He is abusive and couple's counselling is a bad idea.

Blaming you for everything is part of the script. He's textbook.

hewl · 23/05/2016 11:57

Oooh. Sad

He feels backed into a corner and is trying to hurt you

He really does sound as though he has some serious problems (and they aren't you).

I have no advice just sympathy. This really is not normal loving behaviour.

hewl · 23/05/2016 11:58

I wouldn't reply to any of the texts. He sounds so childish!