To leave my drunk vomiting crying husband to it?

[Whyiseverynameitryinuse]

Husband has been in a grumpy mood (swearing at the sat nav, overreacting to annoyances) all day. This evening he drank a bottle of red wine (minus one half glass I drank) then started on the whisky.

Then he started criticising me. I figured it was mostly the drink and tried not to get drawn, just saying I didn't want to talk about now and leaving the room. Apparently he then drank another half the bottle of whisky.

Next thing I know I hear him crying in the bathroom, so I go up to see if he's ok, and end up patting his back while he throws up. I try to look after him, and then he starts laying into me calling me a 'bitch' etc. I tell him if he doesn't stop attacking me I'll leave. He says that's 'emotional blackmail', then starts insulting me and I leave. The crying starts again, so I go back up. He cries about his (deceased) parents, I hug him,comfort him, he talks about life being too hard and wanting to die. I tell him I love him, and he has lots of friends and family that love him.

Then he starts attacking me again calling me an evil bitch who's ruining his life. I told him to please stop, but he wouldn't, so I said I was leaving but if he needed me to call. He said nobody that loved him could leave him like that and it proved what a horrible person I was.

I'm downstairs but I can hear him being sick and crying. I feel awful, I don't want to leave him suffering, but I don't want to be sworn and shouted at either. I'm terrified he'll hurt himself. Am I being a terrible person staying down here til he becomes less belligerent?

You need to have a frank discussion when he gets home. I agree you shouldn't let him brush this under the carpet.
There could be many reasons for this outburst ranging from stress and depression leading him to blow up at you to unhappiness in the relationship he's afraid to express for whatever reason. The point is you won't know without that talk and you can't deal with it unless he admits the problem to both you and himself. Getting pissed to get to sleep and getting blinding drunk to the point of abusiveness and passing out isn't solving anything. Neither is heaping the blame onto you. Get to the bottom of it don't accept the role of the big bad wolf he's putting you in. Only then can you either address the issue together and he can get help or you separate and he can get help (if the issues involve him wanting out and being too much of a coward to address it without the aid of drink). This isn't your problem to fix at the end of the day he has to face whatever is at the bottom of this behaviour.

'Petrol he was abusive. I understand that you can't see it, but if OP reported it to the police they would attend and speak to her and do a risk assessment.
Your complete ignorance is fine if that's how you're happy to live but, stating your misconceived ideas as correct could potentially stop a vulnerable person reporting to the police due to a misguided perception, encouraged by people like you, that they wouldn't be interested.
Since Jan this year Emotional Abuse is covered by legislation. What's OP DH did isn't 'a bit rude', it is abusive, and no one posting here knows the full extent of the situation but the crap you're spouting is dangerous.'

So what do you think the sentence he would get is for this 'crime'?

I'm assuming you would also call the police if your partner got drunk and swore at you? Once. No other circumstances contributing. You would expect your partner to be prosecuted?

Op you've had a rotten time and ultimately only you can decide what's best.

It sounds from your later posts that your partner hasnt acknowledged what happened. If you feel able, then ask him if you both can talk about last night. If this is a one off occurrence he probably feels ashamed and embarrassed.

It truly sounds as if he needs medical help and I would sympathetically encourage him to go to his GP.

If you approach him sympathetically (as you have been doing and which is not to say you don't deserve an apology, because you do) and he fails to respond then you do need to think on - I would suggest you call a helpline because you need some support in this situation. They will be open and happy to listen to anything - no matter how big or small. Try www.adfam.org.uk

He was pretty rude to her. But what did he do that is illegal?
He was verbally abusive (and actually emotional abuse is something the police are interested in now, which is what the gaslighting this morning & the text about dinner would come under, as well as the verbal abuse), crying about wanting to die, and in such a drunken state that the OP was concerned about leaving him alone. That's either a call for paramedics (who would bring the police with them if there's a risk of danger to them) or just the police. He doesn't have to have committed a crime for them to be called. As another poster said, prevention and protection is also what the police do.

Dogs left in hot cars gets people a stern talking to from the police (so not a crime it would appear), yet they're more than happy to respond to calls from the public regarding that.

Insisting one only calls the police if a crime has been committed, that's absurd! The average person shouldn't be expected to know the full list of what is and isn't a criminal offense.
And in cases like this, your attitude is a danger for people in situations that could very easily escalate to violence or worse. Yeah, a one-off drunken incident I wouldn't jump straight to that unless there was an obvious danger to either OP or her husband at the time. But if you've been paying attention to what the OP has actually said, there is a lot more to H's behaviour than getting drunk one night and saying he wanted to die because mixing his drinks made him feel a bit too squiffy... You're downplaying what has happened to her and what her husband has done, perhaps because you feel some of us are going way too far the other way.

Thing is, if we're wrong about there being a risk to the OP's safety and well being, what is the worst that could happen if Every was to dial 101 the next time H gets into that state?
If you are wrong, and your insistence that the police only be contacted if you know a crime has been committed, how do you think that would end up for someone living with a partner that drinks to control their stress or anger, if they took that "knowledge" to heart when said partner is drunk and abusive? What's the worst that could happen then?

He sounds like a terror when he's had a few drinks OP.
I would have to re-think my relationship if this is something he does more than once!

OP take DailyMail's advice, ask bluntly about divorce. You're going to be in such upheaval and very confused as this seems to come as a bolt from the blue, and he may be going through the motions of humdrum life but do not let him get away with saying what he has and asking for a divorce like he's asking you to put the kettle on.

Have you had and inkling about him not being happy in the marriage prior to last night?

'That's either a call for paramedics'

Oh we're calling an ambulance as well now?

'Insisting one only calls the police if a crime has been committed, that's absurd!'

My head is in my hands, literally.

I once behaved like your dh to my partner.
Once and it will never happen again.
I had NO memory whatsoever of all the nasty things I said to him. I took a long hard look at myself , went to my GP and got help for my depression.
I stopped getting drunk.

Thank God Dp gave me another chance.

Petrol, honestly you're wrong about only calling 101 if a "crime has been committed."
Firstly, it's the non-emergency number. You call 999 if a crime is in progress.
Secondly, it's the police's job to determine whether a crime has been committed, not yours or ours.
Thirdly, we call the police for things other than crimes - I rang them when my mother went awol, for instance.
Fourthly, verbal & emotional abuse are crimes. The specific details of when & how they become criminal may not apply to this thread, but it's potentially damaging to keep asserting such things are not police matters.

OP, I think it is highly unlikely that your DP was having a psychotic episode.

He is much more likely to have a problem with drinking. Some problem drinkers don't drink constantly. They drink normally, but as the pressure builds they eventually binge. Your DH seems to be a nasty drunk. Now he is pretending that it never happened. If you go along with this, you will be setting up a cycle for the rest of your relationship.

I know that you are emotionally exhausted, and the last thing you want to do is have more drama tonight. So the easiest thing to do would be to go along with it and feel grateful that things are back to "normal." However, your new normal will be a cycle of binge drinking/emotional abuse; him being lovely and everyone pretending it never happened; followed by the tension building/you walking on egg shells and waiting for him to blow again.

You are young if you are considering starting a family. My best advice to you is: run! Put yourself first. Have a little bit of healthy selfishness. Mark my words.

I'd bet my house on it. The only way that I would waiver, is if he apologises tonight. And then follows it up with a visit to the GP asap to get a referral for help. (If he does, please come back and tell us. I'd love to eat my words.)

'The specific details of when & how they become criminal may not apply to this thread'

They don't apply to this thread. Calling your wife a name once when you were hammered drunk and then, and this didn't even actually happen, opening a bottle for hair of the dog in the morning is not cause to contact the police, on the emergency number or otherwise.

It's just common sense.

Petrol yes I have called the police when there was a drunk and abusive person in my home. They attended.
I have also dealt with such calls myself and have received training.
To anyone who might ever find themselves in a similar situation, please please don't feel that you can't call the police. You don't need to have endured physical violence before they'll 'take it seriously'.

The update from op where she says her H has completely ignored his abusive behaviour and demands for a divorce make the advice here to "give him space and let him talk" completely null and void

My ex did this to me one night after 2 bottles of red wine. He did apologise but it wasn't pleasant. Looking back we were flogging a dead horse so to speak. Needless to say we've both moved on . I hope your husband is remorseful and you sort things out one way or another.

AnyFucker. I see your point. However, it's not going to work either if op goes at it hammer and tongs. I don't think the advice from anyone was to brush it under the carpet, rather to navigate through. He's still probably hungover so any conversation needs to be productive, not destructive. Imo a difficult conversation needs to be had. Im questioning if it needs to happen in the next hour when emotions are probably still very high however cool ops dh is playing it.

I don't have any advice as such
You've had loads here and a lot of it is conflicting
The only thing I will say is you must for your own sanity ask him to explain wtf that behaviour was all about and then take it from there
Good luck you've had a shitty time

I didn't see any posts where the OP's husband had ignored his behaviour, quite the contrary. The post where she said her husband reiterated his verbal abuse and asked for a divorce was where I stopped being even slightly sympathetic of a drunk, depressed, bereaved man spouting his mouth off. The post about the husband going out and getting things to make a meal, to me, sounds like someone going through the motions. Several posts on here, including mine, have begged the OP not to let what he said last night or this morning go; those words come from somewhere. Rather than screams of "leave the bastard", some posters are trying to understand the background and offer support to someone who has just has a bombshell dropped on them.

Not everyone can LTB at the first sign of trouble within a relationship. Sometimes it takes repeated posting about things the poster asks are unreasonable and repeated advice that yes, it is unreasonable for the OP to see the light. If this a pattern of behaviour and the OP hasn't been put off confiding in a bunch of strangers on t'internet then hopefully they will post again.

Well, I dunno, Boogers, two streams of invective and a demand for divorce would certainly incline me to give him what he asked for.

I haven't "told OP" to LTB, as it goes, but am getting more than a touch pissed off with all the softly-softly advice to a woman who's been very unpleasantly abused - twice - by someone she thought she could trust.

If you wouldn't take this abuse from a stranger, it's even less reason to take it from a partner.

Garlic I was initially advocating 'softly softly' when I first read the thread, but when the husband reiterates the previous tirade and asks for a divorce it turns the thread from that of supporting a marriage to that of supporting the OP. Her head must be spaghetti today if this is the first inkling that the husband wanted to end the marriage, and hopefully right now she is having an honest talk about what happens from here, and only she knows the full story.

For what it's worth, it wasn't you specifically I thought was advocating an immediate LTB, but it does seem to be the overwhelming vibe on threads like these with little consideration for the practicalities of separating.

If H said he wanted a divorce I have a fair idea what I would do. If H hit me I know immediately what I would do. I've had that thought process for a number of reasons not relevant here, but the feeling from the OP is that this is a bombshell that still needs processing.

Her head must be spaghetti today - Yes :(

Hi OP. My exdh did this type of thing first when I was 7 months pregnant with DS1. Drunk, callin me all the names under the sun, vomiting out of the window, the lot. Woke up contrite, it will never happen again.

Took me 18 long years to finally see the light and leave. he is now a functioning alcoholic I guess and the vile behaviour became daily, and my self esteem became nonexistant.

Just think through the consequences of any decision you make.

OP, so he will try and apologise when he gets back....

chalky "t sounds like he's feeling bad and wants your attention but is going about getting it in completely the wrong way. Reacting to this negative behaviour will lead to future episodes of it."

this description made me LOL because I read it thinking it was a key reason I didn't want to have children, because dealing with this kind of behaviour seems a large part of raising children....doesn't seem like it should be part of having a partner.....!

I agree with Hermione and Garlic.

OP how have things been tonight? Have you talked?

I wouldn't blame you for not engaging with this thread again, but are you ok?

I am so sorry.

My husband announced out of the blue he was leaving and I thought he must be having a mental breakdown as it was so 'out of character' (admittedly no drink/vomit/want to die talk). I really thought he must be ill. He wasn't. He wanted to leave me and showed no sign of this at all until he actually did.

What you are going through sounds horrendous. However sadly some men behave like this in order to leave. I'm afraid it sounds to me like he does want to leave and has drunk loads to work up the courage, then behaved horrendously.

The shock will take ages to sink in. But it sounds to me like he is ending the marriage. You need support. Go to those you love in RL and get support. Wishing you the very best.