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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave my drunk vomiting crying husband to it?

558 replies

Whyiseverynameitryinuse · 22/05/2016 01:47

Husband has been in a grumpy mood (swearing at the sat nav, overreacting to annoyances) all day. This evening he drank a bottle of red wine (minus one half glass I drank) then started on the whisky.

Then he started criticising me. I figured it was mostly the drink and tried not to get drawn, just saying I didn't want to talk about now and leaving the room. Apparently he then drank another half the bottle of whisky.

Next thing I know I hear him crying in the bathroom, so I go up to see if he's ok, and end up patting his back while he throws up. I try to look after him, and then he starts laying into me calling me a 'bitch' etc. I tell him if he doesn't stop attacking me I'll leave. He says that's 'emotional blackmail', then starts insulting me and I leave. The crying starts again, so I go back up. He cries about his (deceased) parents, I hug him,comfort him, he talks about life being too hard and wanting to die. I tell him I love him, and he has lots of friends and family that love him.

Then he starts attacking me again calling me an evil bitch who's ruining his life. I told him to please stop, but he wouldn't, so I said I was leaving but if he needed me to call. He said nobody that loved him could leave him like that and it proved what a horrible person I was.

I'm downstairs but I can hear him being sick and crying. I feel awful, I don't want to leave him suffering, but I don't want to be sworn and shouted at either. I'm terrified he'll hurt himself. Am I being a terrible person staying down here til he becomes less belligerent?

OP posts:
DrawingLife · 22/05/2016 15:23

OP why should you be the one who has to leave? If he really means it and wants to separate, he should be the one to go.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through, it must be horrible. You yourself know best whether this came out of the blue, how strong your relationship is and if you think this is something you can (or want to) help dh to overcome. Whatever you decide: You're not a door mat if you feel someone you love is worth helping. You're not a heartless bitch if you feel he's gone too far and you can't. But whatever you do, try to protect yourself and don't let him make you feel guilty for his unresolved issues. I wish you well!!

Naicehamshop · 22/05/2016 15:25

Do not let him brush this under the carpet OP - at the very least you need to have a serious conversation and he needs to open up about what is upsetting him and why he is behaving like this. DON'T let him minimize what has happened.
Oh - and keep saving. I've got a feeling you are going to need that money in the very near future.
Good luck. Flowers

Sassypants82 · 22/05/2016 15:26

He's brushing it under the carpet, pretending it didn't happen & taking no responsibility for his behaviour. Fuck that.
He probably expects you to feel relief that he's not talking about divorce still. Please don't let this slide, whatever happens, this is a defining moment, he needs to understand you won't be treated like this & you need to make a serious stand.

Whether you discover if this is a MH issue or he's just a prick, let it be known, in no uncertain terms that you will not be an emotional punchbag. Good luck OP. X

OurBlanche · 22/05/2016 15:27

It sounds as though he has sobered up a little and is trying to put it all firmly behind him. Don't let him, you deserve better than a deliberate 'forgetting'.

It will be hard but, should you feel you want to, you will have to drag it all back out into the open, force the issue. Or you will be tacitly accepting that it is fine for him to behave like that and never be held to account for it.

If you are lucky he will talk, you will find out what the hell really just happened and can then make the best decision for yourself

If you are unlucky he will get angry again or clam up or deny everything. You know (lots here will remind you if you forget) that any of these is a classic abuser's technique to shut you up and keep you firmly in your place.

Good luck, keep coming here to check in and get support/help/advice.

Maidofrohan · 22/05/2016 15:28

What a head f**k! Really hope you're ok. I think in this situ, i would be considering my options. xx

DrawingLife · 22/05/2016 15:29

x post before your latest update. WTAF?? Sounds like he wants to pretend nothing's happened and blame it all on the drink. I don't think letting this pass is a good idea, for you or for him O.o. He needs to get to the bottom of what make him behave like that. And he definitely has some apologising to do.

FarAwayHills · 22/05/2016 15:30

So it's like nothing ever happened thenHmm

Please don't allow him to brush it under the carpet because the issues have not been resolved and it will happen again.

Originalfoogirl · 22/05/2016 15:35

If he was that drunk, I hope he isn't driving. I wonder how a conviction for drink driving would go down for him.

DailyMailAreAFuckingJoke · 22/05/2016 15:37

I'd preempt him. So when he gets home, ask him quite calmly what he wants to do about the divorce and the practicalities of splitting up. If he splutters and tries to minimise it as drunk talk, then you need to clearly explain to him that it is NOT that easy. He doesn't get to throw about the D word and then excuse it as drunken ramblings. How are you supposed to trust a man who spent his evening telling you that you've ruined his life and that you're an evil bitch? Hmm

MrsLouisTomlinson · 22/05/2016 15:40

Could he have taken coke? Only it's the exact kind of think an ex of mine used to do when he's been on a coke binge.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 22/05/2016 15:40

Op, I would wait for him to start talking. Listen to everything he has to say and then tell him you'd like him to go to the GP on Monday and that you want some time apart from him - suggest a month or two - and where does he intend to live for that time? If he says he didn't mean any of it and he's sorry tell him you don't forgive him. Do not have sex with him!

PetrolBastard · 22/05/2016 15:42

'Nope. The police are also there to deal with situations where you believe someone is at risk of harming themselves or others.'

They're not there to come round because your partner cracks open the whisky after a night of sleeping on the floor, which is what has happened here. Unless you have some knowledge of this man being violent that hasn't been alluded to on this thread?

If every time wasting MNer called the police when she was asked to, the police force would be crippled with crap. This police summoning nonsense peddled around is not useful advice.

hownottofuckup · 22/05/2016 15:56

The police aren't half as anti people ringing them as some seem to think.
'i'm pissed and I want a taxi' - no
'my partner was drunk and abusive last night, he has just woken up and started drinking again' - that's fine. As someone else said they are there to protect people from harm (EA falls under that category too) they won't say call us back when he hits you, they will say call us back if things escalate before we arrive.

Funko · 22/05/2016 15:58

None of us know the ins and outs of your relationship so very easy for armchair critics to jump in and make demands tell you what you should do.

My advice would be perhaps take the watch and wait approach. Let him speak. Do not guide him. Hold your nerve and listen. If there is any blame on you or re-writing of history. Take stock before reacting.
I imagine he's hoping it will blow over. You are allowed to take your time and think about your responses to both what he's done, what he's said and how you move forward (however moving forward is for you). If he is genuinely sorry and genuinely cares he will understand you need to process and think. Hope you are ok Flowers

Kenduskeag · 22/05/2016 15:59

Sounds like a bundle of laughs, whether he's an alcoholic or just a bit down or whatever. I don't think his reason matters - it's no excuse to treat your partner with such utter contempt. She's not his verbal punchbag.

Ignore his texts. Make it very clear he doesn't get to move on without consequences. He can, at the very least, seek counselling to get over his parents.

PetrolBastard · 22/05/2016 16:07

'my partner was drunk and abusive last night'

He was pretty rude to her. But what did he do that is illegal?

bakeoffcake · 22/05/2016 16:16

When he comes in I'd say you want a talk about last night.

Insist you talk about it or you can't understand what happened. Try to remain calm, if he gets abusive again tell him he needs to leave.

Janecc · 22/05/2016 16:18

It's not that surprising.

I agree with what Funko said. If you go in all hammer and tongs he will clam up.

Give him time, listen, this situation doesn't have to be resolved today. However, it needs to be resolved.

Good luck

makingmiracles · 22/05/2016 16:19

Don't let him brush it under the carpet, he needs to explain himself

KitKat1985 · 22/05/2016 16:19

Your last update about his behaviour is odd. It's really tricky from an 'armchair psychologist' perspective to know if it's being a dick and trying to brush everything under the carpet, or if he's actually quite mentally unwell and behaving bizarrely.

BrienneAndTormund · 22/05/2016 16:28

He's trying to get you to move on without doing any of the hard work of apologising or making amends.

magoria · 22/05/2016 16:29

Well if he is mean to her all the time she would leave him, right?

If he is mean sometimes and then turns around and is nice, it is confusing and harder to leave.

He may have had a moment of clarity, OP will find out when he comes home. They can sort it out and hopefully he can repair the damage he has caused.

If he comes home pretends nothing happened and all is hunky-dory, ignoring OPs upset and distress then she would better carrying on with plans to divorce and leave.

That is no life waiting for it to happen again and for her H not to give a shit about her feelings.

hownottofuckup · 22/05/2016 16:29

Petrol he was abusive. I understand that you can't see it, but if OP reported it to the police they would attend and speak to her and do a risk assessment.
Your complete ignorance is fine if that's how you're happy to live but, stating your misconceived ideas as correct could potentially stop a vulnerable person reporting to the police due to a misguided perception, encouraged by people like you, that they wouldn't be interested.
Since Jan this year Emotional Abuse is covered by legislation. What's OP DH did isn't 'a bit rude', it is abusive, and no one posting here knows the full extent of the situation but the crap you're spouting is dangerous.

GarlicShake · 22/05/2016 16:34

I can only recall 3 threads, out of the hundreds/thousands I've read on here, where I thought the H's shitty behaviour might be due to some sort of health crisis. I was wrong about one of them: the man was an off-the-scale liar.

In this thread, there are enough miniature clues in the OP's posts to make me think this had been building up for longer than she realised, and he is a dick. Dicks can get drunk & depressed; then they're still dicks, but miserable & drunk as well.

Why, you really can't let all that abuse and a demand for divorce go unchallenged! I don't envy you the rest of your day, but please do stand up for your self-respect. Best of luck.

StealthPolarBear · 22/05/2016 16:35

Op there are lots of people telling you what to do. You're in the best position to make your own decisions and know what is best. Please don't be put off posting for support - as you can see whatever you do some will disagree.
I do think it would be incredibly unwise to get pregnant with this man any time in the next year or so though.

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