To leave my drunk vomiting crying husband to it?

[Whyiseverynameitryinuse]

Husband has been in a grumpy mood (swearing at the sat nav, overreacting to annoyances) all day. This evening he drank a bottle of red wine (minus one half glass I drank) then started on the whisky.

Then he started criticising me. I figured it was mostly the drink and tried not to get drawn, just saying I didn't want to talk about now and leaving the room. Apparently he then drank another half the bottle of whisky.

Next thing I know I hear him crying in the bathroom, so I go up to see if he's ok, and end up patting his back while he throws up. I try to look after him, and then he starts laying into me calling me a 'bitch' etc. I tell him if he doesn't stop attacking me I'll leave. He says that's 'emotional blackmail', then starts insulting me and I leave. The crying starts again, so I go back up. He cries about his (deceased) parents, I hug him,comfort him, he talks about life being too hard and wanting to die. I tell him I love him, and he has lots of friends and family that love him.

Then he starts attacking me again calling me an evil bitch who's ruining his life. I told him to please stop, but he wouldn't, so I said I was leaving but if he needed me to call. He said nobody that loved him could leave him like that and it proved what a horrible person I was.

I'm downstairs but I can hear him being sick and crying. I feel awful, I don't want to leave him suffering, but I don't want to be sworn and shouted at either. I'm terrified he'll hurt himself. Am I being a terrible person staying down here til he becomes less belligerent?

It sounds like he's feeling bad and wants your attention but is going about getting it in completely the wrong way. Reacting to this negative behaviour will lead to future episodes of it.

Give him space, don't go on at him, don't blame yourself and don't get into another argument. When he's feeling better (not hungover) ask him what's bothering him and listen. Tell him how he made you feel but don't get emotional. Don't try to get back at him for what he did and said last night. Don't allow yourself to feel guilty or responsible for his actions.

He may be depressed, he may just be having a bad time right now. You won't know unless he talks to you. Don't jump to extreme conclusions because others have suggested them.
Be aware that if this is a pattern of behaviour it is unlikely to change unless he, not you, does something about it. Do not allow yourself to be bullied or victimised.

Be strong, good luck

What Garlic said.

Definitely no expert but speaking from experience of what not to do!

I said: Why don't people read what the OP has said instead of making up stuff about him suffering psychosis and being depressed.

The reply: Why don'y you read the rest, where he had been acting out of character all day before he started drinking?

The OP only said: "Husband has been in a grumpy mood (swearing at the sat nav, overreacting to annoyances) all day."

That's hardly "acting out of character." It means he was in a grumpy mood, that's all.

He may have depression, and this is how it's coming out.

Tomorrow get him to a doctor. The way he's talking sounds as if it's not the alcohol. It's something deeper

'I'm not talking about calling them for last night. Good grief. And you don't need to call the police for crimes only.'

I know. You suggested calling them if he started drinking again this morning, which is even more ridiculous.

And yes, you do only involve the police if you believe a crime is committed. Use some common sense. You don't call a judge to come round and diagnose a crimey situation.

chalky3 Sun 22-May-16 14:22:17

"It sounds like he's feeling bad and wants your attention but is going about getting it in completely the wrong way. Reacting to this negative behaviour will lead to future episodes of it.

Give him space, don't go on at him, don't blame yourself and don't get into another argument. When he's feeling better (not hungover) ask him what's bothering him and listen."

So the OP has to tiptoe around her husband for days, maybe weeks without being allowed to give her feelings any outlet or expect to be listened to by him? But when he needs listening to, she has to provide? Nobody presumably is going to care about what bothers her? Or make any allowances for her if her worries lead to her lashing out?

The OP's previous posts have made it quite clear that while drinking himself into vomiting stage is rare, dealing with stress through drinking himself to sleep is actually a more frequent occurrence. Also that the dh frequently ends up spending hours on angry mutterings and swearing- that must make a pleasant atmosphere for the OP to live in. Yet, she has to make it all about being attentive to his feelings.

Yyy, to making allowances for mental illness. But that involves ascertaining that he is actually suffering from mental illness and trying to access treatment. And that can't happen if the dh refuses to ever bring the subject up and the OP has to wait until he feels ready.

"he may just be having a bad time right now" So is the OP, by the sounds of it

I am not saying "get a divorce" or anything like it. But I am saying the OP has a right to know where she stands, whether he is going to try to sort the problem or not, and that she cannot wait forever to find out: she has the right to make demands to be heard in this relationship.

From what you've described of his drinking, I would say he's a problem drinker. This will not get better. Do not have children with a man who is at risk of becoming alcoholic.

He might have a mental health condition. He might be an arsehole. He might be both - they're not mutually exclusive.

From the behaviour she's described, it doesn't sound like he's in the grip of a psychosis where he cannot be held responsible for what he says or does.

Sounds like a prince.

When DH's mother died he became very angry and depressed as part of his grieving process. With DH I threatened to end the relationship if he continued to take it out on me and he sought help, me challenging his behaviour made him see what he had been doing and he was mortified. If your DH isn't willing to take responsibility for his feelings and seek help then you have no alternative than to end the relationship. You are not his punchbag.

I also had an ex-boyfriend who had a nervous breakdown and drank a lot due to grief related to his mother dying when he was a child. I ended that relationship as he wanted me to fix him rather than seeking help and I wasn't prepared to be responsible for that. He was not an aggressive drunk. He did seek help and when I spoke to him months later was grateful that I had ended it as it spurred him to get the help he needed.

I'd be looking out the number of a decent lawyer. Start packing my things and seeing where I can go tonight. Or better still, packing his things and he can see where he can go tonight.

He may decide after everything is settled, he actually doesn't want a divorce. If I was going to stay, I'd be laying some ground rules, the first of which is that he stops drinking. Then he seeks counselling and only then would I consider giving the marriage a proper go. If he wants to stay, he'll be willing to do that. If he doesn't want to do any of that then he isn't interested in making the marriage work and I'd be glad of a lucky escape. If he is actually suffering from a mental illness, sure I would want to support him, but I'd be doing it from outwith the relationship. I've seen my mother go through this with my father for 15 years, and she is broken. It started with a "one off out of character" episode like this. She is of a generation where you stick firm to your vows "in sickness and in health". He is really not making any effort to get better, despite his claims to the contrary.

I totally understand the fear, and how upsetting it can be to think the relationship might be over. But instead of concentrating on the loss, have a think about what you would actually be losing. If you beg and plead and he stays, the power dynamic shifts, he is in control, and he will continue to do this, and you will continue to fear it. It will become your life and you will be miserable. You are not losing a wonderful relationship with a loving, caring husband. That has already gone.

Wtf do women nurse complete wankers?
Is it because they have no self esteem or confidence to find a nice man who doesn't do things like this?
I really can't imagine why somebody would put up with this behaviour once let alone allowing them to behave like this a second or even more times.

You deserve better than this OP and so does anybody else living with such an excuse for a man.
Ltb, asap for you.

Petrol

And yes, you do only involve the police if you believe a crime is committed.

Nope. The police are also there to deal with situations where you believe someone is at risk of harming themselves or others. They would much rather you call if you think there is a good chance you are going to be attacked, than if you wait until it has actually happened. Prevention and protection is very much part of their job.

I also wonder why men behave like this.

Corythatwas, as I said, I'm no expert but I know what doesn't work in an argument or with someone who has bigger issues. DH is depressed and an alcoholic, if I knew what I know now I'd have handled things differently

Is he having an affair? - sounds just like my ex's behaviour.

I would tell him to go to the doctor then start thinking about how you are going to separate. He doesn't sound like good father material to me. Having a child with him could be the worst mistake you'll ever make. Don't feel sorry for him, it will draw you back in. Find someone more suitable to start a family with. I really wish someone had given me the advice I'm giving you now.

To clarify, I didn't feel guilty because he was verbally abusive, I felt guity for leaving a sobbing, depressed, talking about wanting to die, person alone. At the time I also felt he probably didn't mean the things he was saying about me and was just in a state, and I felt bad for him.

Pretty sure asking him to leave or showing him the thread would only make things worse, so won't be doing that. I have no where to go (except a hotel) and think I should save the money if I'm going to need to move out and rent a flat in the near future.

He drinks a couple of beers and a glass of whisky on weekend nights, but when stressed/upset he drinks more -skips the beers, has several whiskys and puts himself to bed, sort of thing.

He has described his drinking as a self destructive impulse before, but he also just says he drinks 'so he'll sleep '.

He may not be an alcoholic yet, but he is certainly a "problem drinker" who is very likely to become alcoholic if this isn't addressed.

I also think it is extremely likely that he is drinking more than you know about. Drinkers are good at hiding how much they drink (especially once they realise that their consumption is being noticed).

He may well have underlying mental health issues but it's at least as likely that some relatively mild and manageable underlying issues are being exacerbated by drinking. For most people, alcohol is a mild relaxant/ sedative; for some it seems to be a major depressant and for these people there may be no safe level of consumption.

No child deserves an alcoholic father. If you decide you can't leave him, just make sure you don't get pregnant. If in 3 years he's completely sorted himself out, sought help and had no episodes, then maybe.

OP you aren't giving much information. I understand you are in a bad place right now but if you can give more information about his usual behaviour and why you are worried about his mental health we might be able to help you more.

What is your marriage usually like? If you are completely honest with yourself how does he normally treat you and others? Has he ever verbally abused you before? Has he always been a shit and his behaviour been slowly escalating or is this shockingly out of character for him?

Husband just texted me saying he was at the shops and did I want x for dinner... feeling like I'd fallen into the twilight zone, replied yes. He then asked if we had a particular ingredient, I said no, he said he'd buy it, and let me know he'd be home in a bit. Just... what?

How very odd, OP.

Oh Everyname this is horrible, just awful. I can't even begin to imagine how you are feeling.
I think when he comes home toninght, you need to have a long, hard and honest discussion about what is going on in his head.
It sounds to me like he does have a drink problem, I don't know if it is caused by MH issues, but I feel that a visit to his GP is essential to help him move on and get a grip of his feelings.
I think that you need to explain to him that unless he makes a real effort to get help then you cannot go on with your future plans.
My thoughts are with you [flower]

Sorry meant