to think SIL manipulated us?

[Lilylo]

Long post, sorry but I am fuming.

SIL has a history for being manipulative, schemy and selfish and I guess what happened today was the final straw that made me snap.

Three days ago SIL calls DH and I to ask us if we wanted to have dinner with her and a childhood friend of hers (that DH hadn't met in 15 years) on Sat morning (today).

We said ok no probs, we'll come. Yesterday she texts us to check if we are ok with two other couples that are friends of the childhood friend joining the lunch.

We say: actually we do not quite feel like socializing with new people. (DH is going through a stressful period and just prefers to keep it quite during the weekend). Why don't you guys have lunch with these other people and we reschedule our lunch (SIL, childhood friend, DH and I) for another time?

SIL starts pushing and getting aggressive. She ignores the fact that we keep saying we don't quite feel like coming. She says she can't reschedule cause she is busy ANY other time, she says she has been organizing this lunch for months to make DH and this childhood friend meet after a long time, she says this friend is going to leave the country for 3 months and that we must see him today. Her actual words after we repeated several times "let's reschedule" were: let's just stick with tomorrow and deal with it.

We politely told her we'd rather not go 4 times. After that, she says that actually the other two couples cancelled so now it is back to us 4! No reason not to come then!

I asked her: ARE YOU SURE IT IS GOING TO BE JUST THE 4 OF US? She says yes.

We reluctantly agree to come. Today we show up and we find 8 people at the table and SIL looks at me and says: surprise!!!

I could have killed her with my bare hands.

For the whole lunch DH and I try to hide our frustration and be polite for the sake of these other people, but I actually went to the bathroom and cried a little out of frustration.

After we left, SIL calls DH and accuses us of having ruined the lunch cause apparently it was clear we did not want to be there and if we did not want to come we could have just let her know. She says she felt embarassed by our attitude. AAARRRRGGGGHHHH.

And by the way, it turns out that the childhood friend is not leaving the country for 3 months, he is going to Bristol for 5 days -.-'

AIBU to feel manipulated and tricked? AIBU to feel like I don't want to be bulldozed over if I say I don't want to join something?

I think you knew this was going to happen - she would lie and you would go.

Be the bigger person and take control of the situation, and don't let her manipulate your life.

YABU - it was one lunch.

Sil sounds insufferable.

You should have stuck to your guns

Why's it all such a big deal though? It's only a lunch invitation, you're adults, you either go or don't go.

If you say no, you should have just not gone. To go and sulk was poor form really I think. You might have had a nice time had you just joined in.

thats not manipulation- just bare faced lying

SIL sounds awful but is there a backstory as to why eating lunch with other people is so stressful?

YANBU. What a bitch.

Was it at a restaurant? I would have left before the bill arrived.

It was kind of obvious she was lying, you could have stood your ground and said no. Everytime you give in, you allow her to do it all over again, you know she's a selfish Madame, so stop trusting her and get back some control

More fool you for going at all, after all that fuss.

(Also, who goes to dinner on a saturday morning? Surely thats either breakfast or brunch?)

So you email her:

I am very disappointed that you lied to us about the lunch arrangements. We made it clear to you that we didn't feel up to socialising with a group of people we didn't know. It is especially frustrating that the friend who was 'leaving the country for 3 months' is actually only going to Bristol for 5 days. I am not sure why you decided to be deliberately untruthful about the arrangements, knowing that we only attended because you had assured us that it would only be who were there. I am embarrassed that you feel the need to behave this way.

You knew she would lie - so why did you go?

Obviously the problem is the not the lunch, or these people! Who cares about the lunch!

The problem is that SIL ignored our wishes and forced us to do something we clearly said we did not want to do. When she saw she could not convince us to come honestly, she openly lied to us. She would do anything to obtain what she wants, no matter what. That is the problem.

And please note this lunch had no special meaning for her. It was just a lunch. She just decided it had to happen and we had to join, period.

You all sound like hard work.

And why was she inviting you for dinner in the morning?

Sorry it was lunch. Saturday morning lunch. I am so frustrated I can't even write properly.

She sounds horrendous.

A lying steamroller type. I'd ignore the cow.

The problem is that SIL ignored our wishes and forced us to do something we clearly said we did not want to do

She didn't really. You know her, you should have known that there was shit going on. You went anyway, despite saying you didn't want to. She didn't force you to turn up, you went of your own accord.

(lunch isn't in the morning either?)

So just don't go out with her again....end of drama.

She sounds awful but really? You cried over that? You all sound hard work.

Why didn't you just say no and stick to it. No-one can 'make' you do anything

But did DH enjoy seeing the childhood friend after such a long time?

do you or your husband have anxiety problems? Or another reason why more people at lunch was such an unreasonable suggestion? Yes, SIL was unreasonable but I'm struggling to understand your behaviour too OP

Yes she was a prick, but why are you so averse to meeting new people? I'm not having a go at all, of course, but crying in the toilets? It sounds like a bit of an extreme reaction. Are you sure you're ok? It doesn't sound as though you are

Did SIL sit holding court with all the people she had gathered together?

Just ignore the pedants who are nitpicking over lunch/dinner semantics.

It's perfectly normal to say dinner for lunch.