to think SIL manipulated us?

[Lilylo]

Long post, sorry but I am fuming.

SIL has a history for being manipulative, schemy and selfish and I guess what happened today was the final straw that made me snap.

Three days ago SIL calls DH and I to ask us if we wanted to have dinner with her and a childhood friend of hers (that DH hadn't met in 15 years) on Sat morning (today).

We said ok no probs, we'll come. Yesterday she texts us to check if we are ok with two other couples that are friends of the childhood friend joining the lunch.

We say: actually we do not quite feel like socializing with new people. (DH is going through a stressful period and just prefers to keep it quite during the weekend). Why don't you guys have lunch with these other people and we reschedule our lunch (SIL, childhood friend, DH and I) for another time?

SIL starts pushing and getting aggressive. She ignores the fact that we keep saying we don't quite feel like coming. She says she can't reschedule cause she is busy ANY other time, she says she has been organizing this lunch for months to make DH and this childhood friend meet after a long time, she says this friend is going to leave the country for 3 months and that we must see him today. Her actual words after we repeated several times "let's reschedule" were: let's just stick with tomorrow and deal with it.

We politely told her we'd rather not go 4 times. After that, she says that actually the other two couples cancelled so now it is back to us 4! No reason not to come then!

I asked her: ARE YOU SURE IT IS GOING TO BE JUST THE 4 OF US? She says yes.

We reluctantly agree to come. Today we show up and we find 8 people at the table and SIL looks at me and says: surprise!!!

I could have killed her with my bare hands.

For the whole lunch DH and I try to hide our frustration and be polite for the sake of these other people, but I actually went to the bathroom and cried a little out of frustration.

After we left, SIL calls DH and accuses us of having ruined the lunch cause apparently it was clear we did not want to be there and if we did not want to come we could have just let her know. She says she felt embarassed by our attitude. AAARRRRGGGGHHHH.

And by the way, it turns out that the childhood friend is not leaving the country for 3 months, he is going to Bristol for 5 days -.-'

AIBU to feel manipulated and tricked? AIBU to feel like I don't want to be bulldozed over if I say I don't want to join something?

She sounds a pain. You sound a little dramatic tbh. Rather than make a fuss at the lunch you should've enjoyed catching up with old friend then afterwards absolutely torn her a new arsehole for lying to you. Crying and sulking is obviously not going tow or with this woman. Tell her very directly that you won't be socialising with her for the foreseeable future since she thinks it's ok to lie to you and put you in an uncomfortable situation.

going to work

Tbh I would have smelt a rat when she claimed they weren't coming any more, but other than that I completely sympathize with you. I don't have the energy to deal with new people on weekends either, if they're people I have to work hard to have a polite conversation with rather than someone I would just click with, I don't have the energy and I wouldn't expect anyone else to make that decision for me. Your SIL seems very keen to appear popular and give the impression she has a huge social circle.

Gee! Grow up! Your SIL has form.
You could have just not gone. What would she have done?!
Get a grip.

Just remember this for next time OP and learn to stick to your guns, or she'll keep doing it. Bloody strange people who just can't take no for an answer.

Well if it's her way or no way, make it no way. You knew she was lying and still went. At that point it's on you, even though her behaviour was shitty, because she didn't force you, she didn't plan to come and drag you out of the house by your hair, she'd probably have bitched and whined a bit to which you are not obliged to listen.

Make this a new start and do things on your own terms or not at all. Sometimes we lend weight to ideas for no good reason - in this case that sil has any power over you - so now you've had even more proof that the idea is a bad one, stop doing it, sometimes things really are only as difficult as we make them.

We say: actually we do not quite feel like socializing with new people. (DH is going through a stressful period and just prefers to keep it quite during the weekend).

You have every right to decide your own weekend. You just have to say it immediately before she gets her claws in.

If you don't they will always try to get one over you....

You walked into this one.

She sounds awful. You asked her directly and she outright lied, the brazen cow. I think I might have cried with sheer frustration at something like this too, the fact you gave her the benefit of the doubt.

Well there's no question about her true colours now so you know what to do next time.

Shit, I don't know why people are being so nasty tonight.
Your sil is a manipulative fucker, OP.
How does your husband feel about the whole carry on? Is he going to speak to his sister about it?

I am surprised that some people think OP is partly to blame for "walking into it". I don't think OP could have predicted this at all. Although her SIL may have form for being manipulative, nobody would expect this kind of behaviour from a friend or relative.

Your SIL was manipulative but I expect she hunks you two are tiresome for finding it stressful to eat lunch with people it sounds very controlling to be honest.

Thinks not hunks!

Marynary because if I had a relative who had form for being manipulative, had ignored my reasons for not wanting to go and was known for wanting things her own way I would find it pretty bloody suspicious that the extra people disappeared into scotch mist when I raised that objection. You wouldn't expect this behaviour? Well if I had lots of history of it then that is exactly what I would expect, anything else would be the triumph of hope over experience and generally regarded as naive.
She's a dishonest liar, I'd expect her to not be honest and to lie to me to get her own way. Because that's what she does. So don't play by her rules, stick to your own.

The problem is that SIL ignored our wishes and forced us to do something we clearly said we did not want to do

This is utter bollocks. When you turned up there, you could have left. In terms of teaching people their behaviour is not acceptable, that's the only way to go.

Both of you should have politely and quietly taken her to one side and said we explained to you we wanted a quiet weekend without having to "present" to strangers. You said it was just us. You lied. Terribly sorry but we are leaving.

No big drama but enough embarrasment for her to not do it again.

Overall though, how pathetic are you that you can't deal with a lunch? and how ridiculous is she? Honestly you deserve each other.

DH talked to SIL and she got mad. She claims she did not know these people were coming until she showed up (that is another lie cause when we got there on time she was sitting at a big table for 10 people and she was the one managing the booking). She feels she is being unfairly accused of forcing us into this and that we don't understand how important this lunch was for her because she really wanted DH and this childhood friend to get together.

Also, as I explained already, the problem was not the lunch. The problem were not the extra people. The problem was that SIL lied to us and manipulated us until she got what she wanted.

I really dislike being rude to people and so far I have always tried to manage my relationship with SIL in a polite manner but clearly what happened today shows that I should stop being so polite with her.

Next time, just don't turn up.

What's she going to do? Send the police round to look for you and demand you attend?

She only has power over you if you let her. You don't have to do anything she says. Just do what you and your dh want.

Yes, you should. My MIL is like this. People like this don't stop until they realise you won't play along at the last minute.

So what, that SIL wanted DH and his childhood friend to meet, surely they're both adults and could have tracked each other down or SIL could have given contact details. Sounds like she used the childhood friend as bait to get you to the lunch.

You didn't have to go though (unless she manhandled you into a car and drove you there!). Next time, say no and don't go. You're all adults and you can do what you want. You know she's manipulative, so you know to be on your guard.

So don't let her do it again. I don't understand why you can't just tell her 'no'

Annoying, but I agree with others that you were making a mountain out of a molehill. If you agree to go to lunch it's rude to drop out just because extra people will be there. If you do go to lunch of course you have to do your best to be nice to those who are there, even if you weren't expecting them to be there. It occurs to me that it's a bit strange that you keep saying how both you and your dh had the same opinion re the extra people, wanting to go, then not wanting to go etc... Do you think your sister might have thought you rather than the dh was the impetus behind not going. Anyway, I'd disengage in future, just let yor dh deal with his sister, there's no need for you to have an independent relationship with her or to broker their relationship.

You didn't want to go and yet you did. Why?

To her it is all a manipulation game, why do you keep letting her win. If you don't fancy something just say no and then don't go, it really is that easy. She sounds like a complete and utter dose.

Just don't ever accept another invitation from her. I sympathise with the whole disliking the lying, but you could have walked away.

Wow. What a drama because of a couple extra people coming for lunch.

Next time just don't go. It doesn't sound as though you like her and she had other company so I'm not sure what the point of going was. Your husband can go alone if he wants to see his sister.