to think SIL manipulated us?

[Lilylo]

Long post, sorry but I am fuming.

SIL has a history for being manipulative, schemy and selfish and I guess what happened today was the final straw that made me snap.

Three days ago SIL calls DH and I to ask us if we wanted to have dinner with her and a childhood friend of hers (that DH hadn't met in 15 years) on Sat morning (today).

We said ok no probs, we'll come. Yesterday she texts us to check if we are ok with two other couples that are friends of the childhood friend joining the lunch.

We say: actually we do not quite feel like socializing with new people. (DH is going through a stressful period and just prefers to keep it quite during the weekend). Why don't you guys have lunch with these other people and we reschedule our lunch (SIL, childhood friend, DH and I) for another time?

SIL starts pushing and getting aggressive. She ignores the fact that we keep saying we don't quite feel like coming. She says she can't reschedule cause she is busy ANY other time, she says she has been organizing this lunch for months to make DH and this childhood friend meet after a long time, she says this friend is going to leave the country for 3 months and that we must see him today. Her actual words after we repeated several times "let's reschedule" were: let's just stick with tomorrow and deal with it.

We politely told her we'd rather not go 4 times. After that, she says that actually the other two couples cancelled so now it is back to us 4! No reason not to come then!

I asked her: ARE YOU SURE IT IS GOING TO BE JUST THE 4 OF US? She says yes.

We reluctantly agree to come. Today we show up and we find 8 people at the table and SIL looks at me and says: surprise!!!

I could have killed her with my bare hands.

For the whole lunch DH and I try to hide our frustration and be polite for the sake of these other people, but I actually went to the bathroom and cried a little out of frustration.

After we left, SIL calls DH and accuses us of having ruined the lunch cause apparently it was clear we did not want to be there and if we did not want to come we could have just let her know. She says she felt embarassed by our attitude. AAARRRRGGGGHHHH.

And by the way, it turns out that the childhood friend is not leaving the country for 3 months, he is going to Bristol for 5 days -.-'

AIBU to feel manipulated and tricked? AIBU to feel like I don't want to be bulldozed over if I say I don't want to join something?

YWNBU but your SIL was,she sounds like a nightmare to be honest OP.

From now on if it was me I'd just decline any invites she sends your way.

Marynary because if I had a relative who had form for being manipulative, had ignored my reasons for not wanting to go and was known for wanting things her own way I would find it pretty bloody suspicious that the extra people disappeared into scotch mist when I raised that objection.

I would find it suspicious and would certainly ask the relative to confirm that there would only be four people (as OP did) but if they insisted that there would only four people I would believe them as it would be so thick to lie about it. Lying would obviously backfire as it did in this case -OP and her DH are furious that SIL lied will probably never believe her again, the friends probably felt uncomfortable, the SIL is embarrassed..

The sil was well out of order. The OP has done nothing wrong other than to try to keep her relative happy.

I guess it will be a no from now on to anything sil suggests.

Actually when I tried to push back and said I preferred not to go I even tried to suggest that perhaps DH could go alone if he wanted to meet SIL and chilldhood friend (he did not, but when the conversation happened he was not present so I did not know if he was ok with the idea of going alone or not) and I would join next time.

My exact messages were:

"why don't you guys go and I will join another time? I can see you guys are happy to catch up with a childhood friend, but I'd really rather just hang out with you another day 😘"

and then

"SIL perhaps you and I can meet for breakfast or tea on Sunday instead!"

YANBU. SIL sounds like a nasty piece of work tbh. It would also be perfectly reasonable to decline future invites from her if she is going to be so underhanded and selfish.

As for the lunch/dinner argument: dinner is a cooked meal that can be eaten at either lunch or tea time, and brunch is a meal of a significant size between breakfast time and lunch. Tea and cake and the like around that time is elevenses ( or second breakfast)

Yanbu.

Never believe her again!

Yanbu. I think you cried out of frustration and because if you didn't cry you'd have landed her. Insufferable cow.

But

My mantra in this life is "don't make your problem my problem". She wants you do stuff that's her problem. You don't want to, then don't. If she moans it's her problem and she's trying to make it your problem. Never let her again.

She sounds weird. Why would she care so much? Just refuse all invitations from now on.

Next time she had one of her ideas say YES of course we'd love to. Then don't turn up.

I like Zucker's idea.

Op it's not your fault at all and yes you have the right to decide when and who you socialise with. Sil was out of line and I would have been very angry, I hate people making decisions over my head about something I've said I don't want to do.

"I really dislike being rude to people and so far I have always tried to manage my relationship with SIL in a polite manner but clearly what happened today shows that I should stop being so polite with her."
And she is using your dislike of being rude AGAINST YOU.

Can I just suggest that you start making an exception to your dislike, just especially for her? Firstly, be aware that you cannot discuss/argue with an unreasonable person like SIL. She will defy logic. So the tactic I would use is just to say 'no'. And the only justification you should ever offer is 'because I don't want to'. Do not be pushed to offer any other details - no 'I'm tired', no 'we have other plans', she'll just use those details to push and push. You know she will. Think of yourselves as captured British airmen - name, rank and serial number only ! Give yourself a limit, say three. When you've said 'no' three times, your next response is --fuck off- ''The answer is still no, there's no point in continuing this discussion' and HANG UP. Do not deviate.

She's a selfish idiot, you cannot hurt her feelings (she hasn't any, there's no room for them with that massive sense of entitlement) and she deserves no consideration. So stop letting her have headspace. With a bit of luck she'll go in a huff and give you peace for a while.

Both you and your husband need to develop a bit of backbone unless you are willing for this relationship to continue in its present form forever.
Yes, standing up for yourselves might put you out of your appeasement comfort zones, but you aren't happy being lied to and manipulated and she isn't going to change, so you have to.
Or you need to accept the fact that this will happen repeatedly and not be surprised, shocked or weepy about it. Put in some boundaries, or deal with the consequences of not having any.

Thank you all for your responses. It sounds like the general consensus is that I should stop being polite with SIL and put my foot down more. I wholeheartedly agree.

A little update: SIL has been messaging both me and DH trying to pick up fights. She thanked us for making her cry and she says we are mean selfish twats.

We decided not to respond to her messages since arguing with her is no use.

Ignore ignore ignore. She'll get fed up eventually

Lilylo. I'd be furious too. Costa above is right, the best way forward is to ignore these messages. However any future invitations can now be happily declined and if she queries it you can just say 'sorry SIL you lied about people being there last time and I just can't trust you'.

You were perfectly reasonable not to want to go when there were going to be more there. People on here telling you to get a grip obviously have a different personality type and don't get it at all. I'm not massively sociable. Sometimes I feel like it but most of the time not. That's why I get frustrated when people decide to invite 'extras' without letting me know. It's tiring having to make conversation and feign interest in people and what they have to say sometimes.

Surprised by some responses here -

OP this is not your fault and I completely get why you are upset -

yes it's only lunch but that's not the issue -

the issue is that SIL ignored your feelings and lied to get her own way -

you have every right to not want to spend precious weekend time with anyone you don't want to - in this circumstance her actions show her disregarding/ignoring your view/needs and doing what she wants/putting her needs over yours -

you have a right to make decisions for yourself and not to have another adult manipulate you into doing something you don't want

Ps she's acting like a indulged spoilt teenager

I thought you were going to say you ended up having to pay for it all.
One lunch with twelve people isn't the end of the world.
Perhaps they actually wanted to see you?

GoblinLittleOwl OP isn't annoyed that she had to have lunch with 12 people. She is annoyed with her SIL for very blatantly lying to her and her DH to force her and her DH to do something they really didn't want to do. Do you not get that?

Wow, so many people on here really don't get it.

Weekends are precious. We all have the right to spend them as we want to. No, "lunch with a few extra people" is not the end of the world - but it isn't what the OP and her partner wanted! THEY HAVE THE RIGHT TO SPEND THEIR TIME EXACTLY AS THEY CHOOSE TO. They chose to have lunch with the husband's sister. Nothing more.

But the sister lied - knowingly told a bare-faced lie - that completely changed the nature of the event. That is what the OP is upset about. She put the OP in a position where she either had to act outside of social norms (walk out of an arranged event) or sit and accept that her Saturday morning was wasted.

Again, OP - YANBU!!

I don't think you were manipulated at first. You could have said no and left it at that. The fact that you believed these other people suddenly "pulled out" when you objected to their presence is a bit...I don't know, naive, maybe? Knowing your SIL's history it's a bit obvious she was talking bollocks.

You and your DH still chose to go. Nobody dragged you by your ears. You chose to go and therefore you should have been polite and gracious with the other guests. It's not their fault your SIL lied to you.

However, your SIL sounds vile and her texts today just show that. So ignore her. Neither of you have to spend time with her because she's your DH's sister, so let her get upset. It's not your problem.

YANBU. But equally she treats you like this because you and your DH let her. Next time you just say no that doesn't work for us. If she asks again you say no. All further messages you ignore. Do not engage.

Weekends are precious. We all have the right to spend them as we want to

Oh bullshit. For a start, a lot of us work weekends. And even when we don't, we spend them taking children to parties and football matches and attending family events we often don't particularly want to. Don't be so precious.

OP didn't want to have lunch with any of them, including the SIL. But she went anyway. So if her weekend was so precious, more fool her for going to lunch with someone she loathes.